Blowing Off Steam

I'm in hell right now. Bad enough that I don't have a computer to speak of, but I'm doing three different things at once, none of which are exactly low-stress. So I've been hitting my Dad up as often as I can, and calling Sveta over for booty calls even though she's trying hard to do well in school so she can get into a good college, and I've been over to Kate's place once or twice too. I'm stressed, and when I get stressed, I need something to take my mind off it, so I get horny too. I know, many people get stressed and then can't perform, but for me, it's like watching a TV show to unwind.

Dad isn't complaining, lord no, but he's only available at certain times, and a lot of times, I'm not available then. We try to fit in once a day, if we can. I wish my brother were here. But with the world crumbling, he's got lots of interesting things to do with stocks and economies and businesses, not to mention college. I hope he gets rich, rather than the other way around. I can't deal with the economy, which would simply add another layer of worry to me, so I'm trying hard not to think about it.

I really wish I had someone to fuck my ass. It's been months, or at least it feels like it's been months. Probably not. Possibly month, singular. But Dad's not interested, and Sveta doesn't have the requisite equipment, and other outlets aren't open for that. I think the last time I had a good cock in my ass was when my brother stopped by on the way back to college. He'll be graduating soon enough; maybe I'll move in with him. We could pretend.

If I ever swing it, and my computer problems are resolved, I'll get my Dad to write something for you all. That would be fun. He's not computer-illiterate, but he's not a child of the WWW, certainly. He doesn't use the Internet for anything but business, which consists mostly of emails and the occasional looking up of some spec. So he doesn't blog, and I'm not sure he understands why someone would waste her time doing it. But he might write something. I don't know how dirty it would be. It might be a love letter to me. Who knows?

But I have gotten him okay with fucking me while I have something in my ass. It's not like he wouldn't do it before, but he was never into it. Now, he'll do it every day if I want, which I usually do. I haven't convinced him that it's even more fun if he uses the toy to fuck my ass, not just to take up space. I'm not sure how far I can press it. The issue, I mean, not the toy. So I've used some vibes, but they're not as good in the ass as I'd like. I need bigger ones, I guess. His pounding tends to distract me from any small sensations elsewhere.

Sveta and I have upgraded to various toys, and she's trying to work up the nerve to move into boys again as well. I told her it didn't have to be "as well," and that if she wanted to graduate from the school of Lexi maxima cum laude (puns intended) and move back into strictly hetero pursuits, I would give her a send-off with flying colors, and by happy for her. But she's interested in continuing our current arrangement, as well as adding a male presence to her life, and possibly her cunt or ass or both. We've even pillow-talked about sharing a man again. But she's still very hurt and shy and all that jazz, so it may be a while. She'll probably go off to college and forget all about me.

But for now, she's been sleeping over more than she should. She's still not totally aware of my life, but she seems to sense that my parents aren't hard-asses about who shares my bed. She really is desperate for affection and love, as well as sex, so it feels good to curl up in bed with her, for both of us. And there are signs of certain suspicions she might have, but I can't go into them right now because I'm running out of time as it is. My father certainly doesn't object to the presence of a cute young thing in his house besides me (and Mom, love ya Mom). He loves to get me to talk about her while he's fucking me. He'd do her in a heartbeat, I think.

And Kate... well, that's a longer story. Suffice to say that I've been over there, and I don't want to spoil the story by telling it quickly, but on the other hand, I don't want to leave it hanging. It's not a regular thing, but she and I and Roger are... getting acquainted. So there's promise for things.

And I'm still getting into pretty dark territory, fantasy-wise. For instance, I looked at some scat porn, and while I still don't find shit appealing, watching those women take a shit was... arousing, surprisingly so. I didn't find the shit arousing, it was their asses while they were shitting. Eating it or smearing in on themselves: disgusting. But just like watching someone pee, it has a fascination. I don't want anyone to shit on me, or to shit on anyone, but I would let someone watch me take a shit, if they wanted to. I never thought I would feel this way about it.

And there's other things, and memories I have and wishes I have, and it's all kind of muddled up. Not having to do with incest, but other things. I don't know what to say. I'm getting interested in lost innocence, for one thing. But I don't think it's because of some deep psychological scarring due to my upbringing; it's just kink that I'd never really explored. I don't know how comfortable I am with it; some of it is things that are certainly illegal, if not immoral. But it's fantasy. I don't want to do any of it in real life. I don't think.

Anyway, thanks for all the kind thoughts people have sent, and rest assured, the moment my situation changes, I'll let everyone know.

Ah, the Economy

Still doing this not-my-computer thing. I have access, but I can't spend all sorts of time posting, because my access isn't my computer. Woo-hoo.

Due to the current economic climate, my money isn't being spent on a new computer yet. When it does, you'll be the first to know. I lost some stuff during the crash, too, so there'll need to be some rescanning of pictures, etc.

But not having to be on a public computer any more means I can tell you all that my fast ended rather quickly. I went for maybe 6 days without so much as an orgasm, and by the end of it, I was jonesing hardcore. The night my computer broke, I was so stressed out that I pulled out a home video and made myself cum, because I just couldn't take the pressure.

Then I was pretty good for a week or so, only masturbating once a day, trying to get it done quickly, like I needed a fix. Which, I suppose, is more worrisome than not being able to go without at all. But I was trying.

Then I decided that cumming wasn't as enjoyable if I tried to do it quickly to get it over with. Which is pretty much obvious. But I did come to the conclusion that my leisure activities have to be more regimented, so if I have an hour to kill, I need to kill it either by watching something or cumming, but not to view sex and leisure as two separate draws on my time. I need to watch less television, or rather DVDs, so it seemed like a good plan.

Then I just lost it. I am under a certain amount of stress right now, which I won't waste time going into. But I just needed the stress relief. Some people eat. I fuck. When I get the chance, I'll tell you exactly what I mean, but suffice to say that I'm now probably having sex more often than I was, with more people. Dad was my first after I fell off the wagon, and he and I have been fucking like rabbits.

I've also found myself being drawn to stranger and stranger things. Things which I never found arousing before, now I find arousing. Some things which worry me a little. I'm trying to be legal and moral, but there's a dark side of my brain, which somehow is being let out more and more frequently.

I've seen my brother, and I hope to see Mari soon. And of course, there's Sveta. And Kate. And I'm just busting to tell all these stories, but I can't, because I have to go now.

Keep the faith. I shall return. Or maybe I should say, "I shall cum again." Have, actually. Many times. I'm weak.

If you've sent emails or comments or questions, I will try to get to them as soon as I can. I haven't forgotten you. I've just been waylaid.