Weird Stuff I've Used For Lube

 I was thinking the other day about lube and how I don't always have it even though I try to keep it everywhere. This put me in mind of a few lube-related stories.

The first time I got fucked in the ass without lube other than pussy juice and spit, I was ready for it to be difficult, but pussy juice actually makes a pretty decent lube. At least mine does. I should probably say, "the first time I got fucked in the ass on purpose without lube," because the first time I ever got fucked in the ass was with Mike and it was a total accident when it happened.

This was with an older guy, not old enough to be my father or anything but a few years older, and we were pretty hot and heavy the entire evening. He got his cock sucked to warm up, then he fucked me in my clothes in his parked car, then he still wasn't done and he asked me if I liked anal. Hell yeah I liked anal. But no lube.

Fucking in his car was kind of uncomfortable, plus it was nighttime now and we were parked on a deserted stretch of road, so we moved out of the car to the hood. He already had my panties off, but he got my skirt off too, then he lubed up his finger with spit and pressed that into my ass, then bent me even farther over and slid his entire length into my cunt. I came, hard. He felt that, and pulled out and pressed into my ass, which was nice and tight. I almost dropped out of the O, it was so intense.

The other thing I remember about that evening was that, as he was fucking my ass, pressing my face down on the hood of his car, another car drove by. The headlights illuminated us for a few seconds, but they didn't stop, so maybe they didn't see us. Or maybe they did and disapproved but not strongly enough to call the cops. I've always wondered what would have happened had they stopped and asked to join. I was wild back then and I probably would have left them, even if it was a busload of football players or something.

Had I been a bit older I probably would have had some lube in my purse. I usually do. But sometimes you get stuck someplace where your purse isn't. I was fucking a guy in the closet at one of my first jobs, and the room this closet was a part of got occupied, and we were stuck half naked in the closet until they left. He started feeling me up again, like the threat of discovery was turning him on.

Frankly it turned me on too. This was at an after-hours function. And when the activity outside the closet got sexy too, both he and I were raring to go. I came on his fingers twice before he even entered me, I was that wound up.

But this is a story about lube, or the lack thereof. In this case, I wasn't feeling confident in my ability to take him in the ass because he was really thick, but I really wanted him in the ass because, well, I'm a sucker for a challenge. The closet we were trapped in was more of a utility room, and yeah, there were some containers of various things, and one of them was hand soap for the bathrooms.

I do not recommend this course of action. Just take him the traditional vaginal way. But I'd already told him I wanted him in my ass bad, and he suggested the hand soap. Let's just say it worked but my ass didn't feel quite right for a day or so after. And cleanup was a pain. I didn't really bother, but he had to wash his cock off in the sink before he could put his pants back on.

I've used olive oil as an anal lube many times. You shouldn't use it with condoms, but if you're raw-dogging it like I do far too often, it's totally fine. As is baby oil, but olive oil lends a nice perfume to things.

Let me see... I used bacon grease (not hot) once because Mike wanted to see if it made me taste like bacon. It did. He tasted like bacon too. I used hands lotion a few times, but again, not a course of action I'd recommend.

Oil has a lot going for it though. It's not water based so you can use it underwater, or rather you can apply it and it won't wash away. I used to use baby oil before any beach escapades. I'd lube my pussy up nice and slick, slip on my bikini, and be ready to pull it to one side underwater and get fucked.

Have you ever used anything odd as lube? Let me know in the comments, or via email, or on Twitter, or whatever.

You Miss 100% of the Shots You Don't Take

Sorry I've been incommunicado for a month. I stupidly agreed to help out with a play, then my sickness got worse again, and so on and so forth. All boring stuff, which led to very little nookie and even less time to talk about it.

But this play I was helping with turned out to be a bit of a silver lining to giant storm clouds. I met, or rather had already met but had never spent time with really and so got to spend time with, this very attractive young woman, a few years younger than me but well within my age range. She's married, but the way she flaunts her body... Anyway. She needs a name, even if I only rarely use it. Cynthia. That works.

I was content to ogle occasionally. I'm always content to ogle occasionally. You'd be surprised what I can get away with. People don't think of women as ogling, which is silly but hey, I'll take it.

Then she broke the news that she and hubby were moving far away as soon as the show closed. Oh no, and we were getting along so well, etc. I figured, oh well, at least I'll have ogled her some.

Then during strike she was once again wearing something skin-tight and revealing. She's a dancer, and yeah, has the body for it too. Very tight, toned, delightful breasts, perky little nipples which could clearly be seen through her top, the whole deal. Gorgeous black hair. Soulful eyes. Kissable lips. Yummy.

And, well, the motto that I titled this post came to mind. So I decided to shoot my shot, as it were. So I said to her, "I know you're spoken for, but you are devastatingly attractive and if you were single I would love to invite you out for cocktails after." After all, what was the worst that was going to happen? She was moving away. She could say, "Flattered but spoken for," and we'd leave it at that.

Immediately after I said it, and as I looked at her face, I became convinced that she was frowning. Nope. I had thought with my stupid cunt and now she was going to laugh in my face, run and tell all her friends, the whole deal. Disaster. And all because Lexi got a little wet and popped questions she should have kept to herself.

I am not neurotypical. This should be clear to anyone who spends more than five minutes with me. Honestly, I have no idea what I was thinking. It would be one thing if I'd made it sexual, but no, I basically asked a married lady out on a date.

She didn't frown, despite my brain's fight-or-flight reflexes telling me otherwise. She considered it for a moment and said, "I'm not much of a drinker, but I'd be open to that."

Ok then. Maybe she and her husband are open. Or maybe she's just being friendly. The libido part of me was rushing on ahead while the rational part considered this development.

"I'm honestly not much of a drinker either." This is true. Used to be, but these days I might have a glass of wine every blue moon or so. "I only offered that so I wouldn't say something more embarrassing." Understand that we'd been talking for a while now, gotten to know each other a little. That's all I can say to justify my responses.

"Oh? Like what?" 

Fuck. Libido, you're in so much trouble. Nope, not listening to rational Lexi, charging on ahead. "I probably would have offered to give you a guided tour of the ceiling of my bedroom," I said, laughing to show that I was totally not serious. Not my best line. Not a good line at all. But she laughed. Very nice laugh, very dry and practical but still gracious.

"Well, as it happens, I'd happily take you up on that if I weren't spoken for already, as you said," she said.

Oh well. Things had gone well enough but obviously I was asking too much. No harm done, I guess.

But then she continued. "As I am spoken for, I was wondering if I could invite you back to my place? Because I'm not going to lie, you're pretty attractive yourself, and my husband and I have been looking for a third..."

Oh holy shit yes. I was nodding wildly. "I'm your gal," I said, or words to that effect. She looked relieved.

"Really? Because..." And then we were interrupted by someone asking where to put something. She said, "Ok, tonight?" 

"Hell yes."

"Hell yes. I'll let him know to expect us." And we left it at that.

We finished strike. I tried hard not to be super obvious that I was eyebanging her every chance I got. Like, seriously lady, you're wearing something that leaves very little to the imagination. I could see the globes of her ass every time she bent over, and she didn't seem to care about showing herself off at all.

Then everyone was saying their goodbyes. This company doesn't do cast parties after strike. So much the better. It was still plenty early, and I was dripping wet. She came up to me, gave me a hug, then whispered in my ear, "Vince is dying to meet you." Vince being her husband.

"What's your address?" 

She made sure no one was paying attention, then gave it to me. Close by. Good.

Hugging her, smelling the scent of her, was enough to get me tingling. She broke away and I enjoyed the few seconds of her walking away before I was accosted by another well-wisher. All I wanted to do was run to my car, but instead I was thanked for helping out for the umpteenth time, gathered my tools and so forth, and finally made it outside as everyone else was already leaving.

The blast of icy air on my privates woke me up a little. I considered. Texted Sveta to tell her I would be home late if at all. Gave her a quick, "Momma gets to have a threesome with a married couple!" explanation. Then hopped in my car, told Satan to go fuck himself, and drove to Cynthia's place. Two cars in the driveway. Lights on on the porch. Thank God for GPS. In the bad old days I would have had to get directions, gotten lost, and given up, or shown up at the wrong house.

She answered the door wearing something less revealing than she'd been wearing. "Oh thank God," she said. "I thought maybe I came on too strong, scared you off."

"Funny, I thought the same thing," I said.

"Honey, Lexi's here," she called into the house. "Come in, come in, you must be freezing."

Vince, whom I'd never met, was not a Vince. I'm not saying that's his name, but his name didn't suit him. Smaller, nerdy, not bad looking but not Vince. But I guess names don't always suit people. Sandy blonde hair, average build, wearing slacks and a polo. They offered me beverages and I just had water, plenty of water because I was feeling a little dehydrated after all my exertions during strike.

We sat on the couch and made awkward chitchat. I began to get the feeling that maybe Vince wasn't in on the whole matter. I was just about to suggest a topic of conversation which might lead its way around to sexy times when Vince said, "So Lexi, your wife is okay with this?"

"Oh heck yes, she doesn't mind at all." Which was mostly true. Sveta has been missing me at home, but she wasn't jealous of any sexy times I might be getting up to.

"We've never... I mean, we've both wanted to, but finding a woman who's up for it is so hard," he said.

"Finding couples who are up for it isn't easy either," I said with a laugh. "I think most people are afraid to admit it."

"So you've done this before?" Cynthia asked.

Oh boy. "Yeah, a few times," I lied through my teeth. No reason to be honest. Sorry.

"Should we go to the bedroom and see what happens?" Vince asked Cynthia. 

"Are you ready?" she asked me.

"Babe, I've been ready since before I asked you out at strike," I said honestly. She laughed. Vince looked enthusiastic.

"We've both had affairs, and told each other about them, but we've never had a girl together," he said.

"I was always curious," Cynthia added. "He's been wanting to watch me with another girl for a long time."

"So I'm not your first?" 

"No. Does that upset you?" 

"Of course not. Just means you know what you're doing." I paused. No sense not asking. "So are you looking to just watch the two of us? Or...?" 

"Oh hell no," said Vince, looking even more enthusiastic. "I wasn't sure what you were up for. We want to share you completely."

"Is that okay?" she asked, looking a little worried.

"If that means we all get to fuck, I'm so okay with that," I said truthfully.

"Why are we only now meeting you," laughed Vince. Well, he laughed a little and then...

It's my philosophy in threesomes to get the awkwardness out of the way early.  So I went over to him and kissed him. He was a cold fish for about two seconds, then the shock wore off and he pulled me down to him with eagerness. "Oh wow," Cynthia said.

Then she didn't say much of anything because I gently moved away from him and kissed her. She didn't hesitate an instant. Her tongue with in my mouth and her hand was on my ass and yeah, I'm thinking Cynthia has maybe had women a time or two. I enjoyed making out with her, enjoyed the awed noises her husband was making, enjoyed him reaching over and putting his hand on my ass too. 

Then she broke away. "I don't want this to be tawdry and rushed," she said to him. "Let's go to the bedroom so she can be comfortable."

I have to say, fucking a couple often leads to them talking about me like I'm not there, or like I'm some sex toy. I don't mind, really, as long as they're being polite about it.

"Lexi, do you want to freshen up? We can wait. After all, you just..."

"If you'll have me like this, I'm happy to go wherever you want," I said. "Although I must confess that if I'd known tonight was going to be like this, I'd have brought something more exciting than my work clothes."

"Honestly, I think it's hot," said Vince. "You've got this whole working vibe going on."

"Then let's go to the bedroom and you can take them off me," I said with a smile.

Their bedroom was much nicer than ours, but the bed was just as big, so that was good. We didn't do a lot of talking after that. I do remember telling her to get his cock out. Both girls were still fully clothed but I had established that she was wearing no bra under her blouse and he had rubbed the seam in the crotch of my jeans hard enough that I almost came.

His pants came down and she showed off his cock. Decent length, nothing too massive but nice and hard. He enjoyed us playing with it, enjoyed it even more when we both kissed and sucked it, then each other. Her blouse came off and I was delighted to see that her tan nipples were just as perky as they'd appeared through her tight top earlier. I suckled them while she sucked him.

"Oh god baby, I'm gonna blow," he said. He looked a little sheepish.

"Let me eat your cum off your wife's gorgeous tits," I purred. I was feeling great.

"Oh god yeah," he grunted, and pulled back and shot ropes of cream onto her chest.

She was urging him on, "Go on baby, give me all of it!" She stopped being quite so coherent when I started eating the cum off her very nice breasts, and she stopped altogether when I kissed her and fed her some cream off my tongue.

"That is so goddamn hot," said her husband. Yes, yes it was. "I'll be ready again in a minute, you gals just play with each other." Don't have to tell me twice.

I pulled her up onto the bed and kissed and licked my way down her body, over her tits, the flat belly with a cute outie belly button, the hip bones, soft but still present. She was wearing jogging pants which slipped down to reveal sensible gray panties, lace but much less revealing than I expected. She shuddered as I pulled those down too, revealing her pubis, glistening with excitement. Her pussy lips were pink rather than tan like her nipples, which one doesn't see that often. She smelled fresh, like she'd showered before I got there, which I assume she had.

When I spread her legs and dove in, she twined her fingers through my hair and held on for dear life. Her legs wrapped around my head and held me there too, and I lapped away for all I was worth. Her clit was anyway peeking and she didn't mind when I suckled it a little. She didn't mind fingers either, when I brought two of them to bear to her upper wall.

"Holy shit, I'm cumming!" she gasped and then tensed up and arched her back so hard I was a little worried she'd hurt herself. She moaned five or six times, then relaxed and let my head free from her legs and hands, and I took that as my cue to let up on the pressure. "Fuck," she sighed. "I haven't cum like that with a woman in a long time."

"Better than Jasmine?" her husband asked from behind me.

"Different, that's all." I didn't pry. Maybe Jasmine is her  regular thing.

"Ok Lexi, now it's your turn," Vince said magnanimously. I appreciate his generosity, honestly I do. I've been in situations like this where I didn't get any attention after all.

She pulled me up to kiss me and in the same motion worked my t-shirt up over my head. Vince behind me was pulling down my pants and panties in one fell swoop, leaving me in nothing but my bra. Cynthia was kissing me again and I felt Vince spread my cheeks and plant his face between them, his lips on my mons, and his tongue wasn't bad at all. I forgot to be self-conscious about how I look. I forgot to do much of anything but raise my ass a little and then, with glee, finally have the orgasm I'd been building up to all evening.

"Don't stop," I begged as the first rush left me. "God, yes, lick my clit hard!" And I came again almost immediately, my lips locked to hers while he did as he was told. 

After that, I was ready to do whatever they wanted, pulled my bra off and tumbled back into bed with both of them. Naked, we kissed and explored, their hands on every part of me. They kissed and I slipped down lower and took his hardness into my mouth while I fingered her wet snatch. He started thrusting into my mouth so I adjusted and slipped him into her. Then she rolled us all over into she was riding him and I could suck his balls while she did so. I'm not usually one for ball sucking but it gave me a great position to watch as his hard cock thrust up into her.

Then we were moving again, and she was pulling me up to her embrace, and he was sliding behind me and then pressing his hard cock into my pussy. Good God, that felt amazing. She and I made out for a while as he gently fucked me, then he pulled out and fucked her while I rubbed her clit. At some point he pulled out and came between our bodies, and she came on my fingers, moaning my name into my mouth. 

Then we cuddled and talked for a while. I heard a few fun stories about both of their affairs. I told a few stories of my own which wouldn't get me into any trouble. Nothing worth repeating.

They asked me if I minded not using condoms, and I told them I was totally okay with it. Don't do as I do, kids. Practice safe sex. You never know where that cock has been.

Then came the story of Vince fucking a girl in the ass, which apparently Cynthia thought was incredibly hot to hear about. I asked her if she wanted to watch him fuck me in the ass, and I swear her pupils dilated as she heard me say it. He was obviously thrilled by the idea.

They didn't have any lube, silly amateurs, and the only lube I had was in my car and I didn't want to get dressed to get it. Cynthia offered olive oil, which was fine with me. The girls both had fun lubing up his cock, then he and she took turns lubing up my ass. She was fascinated by it. I asked, "Why have you two never done this?"

"I'm scared," she admitted.

"I don't want to hurt her," he said.

I left it at that. I think they should try it, given how turned on they both were about it, but I'm not forcing the issue.

"I'm used to anal," I said, "So you can go a little harder than you should with a newbie."

"Ok, here goes," he said. He was behind me, doggy style, with her hand guiding his cock and her other hand on my ass. He pressed forward and into my sphincter.

"Oh yeah," I sighed. "Cynthia, be a dear and rub my clit while your husband fucks me."

She did better than that. She got down there and started eating me out with abandon, and if Vince was good at it, Cynthia was great. Obvious experience. I came, just a little O to warm things up, while he pressed deeper and then pulled back and pressed in again.

Eventually she was licking my joy buzzer with abandon while he fucked my ass nicely, a little more gently than he needed to, but nicely nonetheless. I could feel delightful pressure on the wall between my pussy and my ass, and I came again, harder this time. In the middle he grunted, "Oh damn, I'm gonna..."

"Don't stop, please don't stop!" I begged.

He listened, thank goodness, and I felt him thrust again, then the tension of him cumming into my ass, then the softened cock slipping out of me. Cynthia didn't stop either, until I had to stop and rolled off her face.

After that they wanted me to spend the night, but I said with honesty that Sveta was anxiously waiting my return. It wasn't even that late at that point. Goodbye kisses turned to making out with Cynthia again, and Sveta, anxious or not, was forgotten in the heat of the moment. Vince was, I'm afraid, pretty much forgotten too. He'd given his all.

We were too different in height to try 69ing, so she sat on my face and played with my pussy with her fingers. I came, she didn't, but she assured me that it wasn't for lack of trying and that she'd enjoyed herself.

I left them both naked and spent on their bed, pulled on my clothes, and got home early enough that Sveta and Zoe both were surprised.

And chances are good I'll never see Cynthia or Vince ever again. They're moving this week. We didn't exchange info or anything. I didn't even think of it at the time. Maybe it's for the best.

Anyway, let this be a lesson: sometimes you just have to go for it, and maybe it'll work out.