The Rules

Nothing much has been going on with me the past week. I've just been kind of busy. But I have a few moments, so I had a very nice reader ask me a question and I promised I'd answer it for everyone. I can't promise it will be a good answer, but I'll answer it.

"So what 'rules' would you have in your own family, your kids?" - David

It's something I've thought about a fair amount, because I want to be a mother some day, and I want to be as good a parent to my kids as my parents were to me and my siblings. The funny thing is that we didn't have too many "rules" growing up about sex. Some things were just understood. We weren't supposed to have sex of any kind before Mom and Dad felt we were ready. We weren't supposed to talk about sex in inappropriate circumstances. We were supposed to be discreet about sex in general. We were supposed to be safe about sex, make sure to be on the pill or wearing a condom, with people outside the family. We got regular checkups to make sure we didn't get any diseases.

I say "supposed to" because we broke all those rules, at one time or another. Sheri had sex before she was ready. We all let things slip, and we all were riskier than we probably should have been. Sheri stopped taking the pill when she was 15 I think, and she never made any guy wear a condom. Again, it's surprising that she never got pregnant or died of an STD. The rest of the family were pretty good about safety, but pretty good probably isn't good enough.

So I guess the rules in my family will be inspired by the rules of my parents. I'm certainly going to make rules about safety, and I think I'm going to be tougher about them. Any daughter of mine will be on the pill and carry a purse full of condoms, and by god she will use them. I believe in being open about things, so if she's got an impregnation fetish like Sheri did, well then we'll talk about that, and we'll figure out what to do.

As far as being ready for sex, while I do love the idea of my family tradition, where either I or my husband will be the first one to fuck the kids, I have to admit, I think it's a little unfair to the kids. If I have a daughter and she's raring to go when she's 7 years old, well then we'll talk about that. I want to have some say, but I think that sexual exploration when you're young is incredibly important, more important that a stupid tradition. The first time with Dad is always going to be a first time. Likewise with my son; his first time with me will be special, no matter how many times he's done it previously. And if I have both a son and a daughter, their first time together will be magical.

I'll want to make sure that people who have sex with my children are good people, at least at first. I'll probably want to watch to make sure they don't get hurt. So a rule might be, if you want to have sex, you have to come back to my house. Until they're old enough, any sex should take place in the house, not someplace unsafe.

We will definitely have a rule about no meaning no. I can't stress that enough. I'm not talking about never, I'm talking about being able to say, "Not tonight." If you're living in a sexual relationship with people you love very much, it's important to be able to decline an offer without it being an insult, just as it's important for the declining to be respected. There have been a few times with Mike when I wished I could have told him I wasn't in the mood, but he would have been hurt. Now, of course, we're old enough that he knows better, but when you're young, knowing that not fucking tonight isn't hurtful is important. My daughters, if I have them, will be strong. They will not get pushed around. It's worked out pretty well for me.

We'll definitely have to have a rule about talking about sex with people. I don't know how effective that rule will be; kids will be kids. But we'll need a rule about that, because, well, if they can execute someone for raping their step-daughter, then I think the climate for incest in this country is definitely turning cold, so we'll have to keep it under our hats. Not that I'm saying we'll be raping anyone, but that's the way the world sees it. Of course, there's a difference between kids talking about sex abstractly and kids talking about having sex with their parents. In the first case, the worst that can happen is that someone wonders how this young kid got so well informed. In the second case... I shudder to think.

Obviously, if a child of mine decides that he or she doesn't want to have sex with me, or with my husband, or indeed with anyone, I'm going to respect that. Which is why I'm not sure about the tradition aspect of things. I wanted it, but it's possible that it being a tradition may have influenced my thinking on the subject. If we just introduce the kids to sex without any particular agenda, and let them discover it on their own, possibly with us, possibly with others in a safe way, then I think there's less likelihood of any pressure being put on the child, even if we don't mean to apply that pressure. I know Dad wanted his daughters, and I think he was trying subconsciously to make sure we would be his. Without that expectation, I think things will happen the same way, but the kids will be less pressured.

I can't believe that introducing kids to sex is a bad thing. It's natural, and if they can learn about it and experience it safely, regardless of social mores, they'll be happier, more whole adults as a result. I'm beating a dead horse, but I do genuinely believe that people should have sex, and that the only thing that makes sex unhealthy is the fact that people are repressed about it. It's like using the bathroom; there's a time and a place for everything, but that doesn't make it terrible and wrong. If we potty trained children like we teach them about sex, we'd be a nation of diaper-wearers.

Let's see... no smoking, no drinking, swearing when you stub your toe or if it's funny, no drugs, try to keep the one-night stands to a minimum (after all, if you're just looking for some sex, the family should be able to provide that much more safely and, may I say, entertainingly), and talk. Lots of talk. Communication is more important than rules. Like I said, if my daughter when she's 13 really wants to have a baby, she should come to me and we should talk about it. I won't simply lock her in her room and forbid her to see anyone ever again. I probably won't let her get pregnant, but we can talk about it. It's not sick. Some people's bodies are just that way.

Of course, no plan survives contact with the enemy, so doubtless I will just draw on my own experiences and get advice from people I trust. And in spite of the best parenting, sometimes things just go wrong. I hope it won't be too bad. My fear that it will is probably the main reason why I'm not planning on getting married and having three kids tomorrow.

Wow, that was pretty boring. Not very sexy at all. Sorry, I'll try to make up for it next time.