Drama Bullshit

If you don't care about drama and are here to get off to sexy stories, I totally understand, and I love that I can get you off, but you'll probably want to skip this post because I'm venting and it probably won't be terribly sexy. Don't feel obligated to read it; no one else should care about this shit.

So I'm very moody the past few days. Well, actually, I've been kind of moody recently. It may be because I switched to a different pill with lower hormones. It may just be random shit. I don't really know, nor do I care.

I've been wanting to cuddle a lot, and with Dad back working full time and Mom now doing some work of her own and me not having as much work, that means I'm stuck alone a lot. I'm still horny as hell, but I also want to cuddle too, which means that basically all I want to do is fuck and then stay there cuddling until it's time to fuck again. That's no way to build a railroad.

I can't just pick up random people to do that, and I can't get that from Kate and Roger, and I've really got no one else to turn to except Sveta. I can't keep her in my house 24/7, but I do have her over. I love feeling her wrapped in my arms. I've even gotten to where I enjoy sleeping snuggled up with her, although I can't stay that way for very long, so I usually wake up after a few hours with joint pain, for whatever fucking reason. Then I have to get up, which sometimes wakes her up, and then I feel bad.

But being that I'm basically going steady with her, I have problems. One is that she'll be leaving for college before I know it, and it's not even that I don't trust her, or that I'm worried any more about anything but my own selfish desires, it's just that I won't have her around, and I'm going to miss the hell out of her.

The bigger problem, though, is that I feel like she needs me to make some kind of commitment to her. She's certainly committed to me; I don't know too many times when she's told me she couldn't see me, even if it meant putting something else off. And while I don't turn her down often either, we're both pretty serious about the relationship now, to the point where it's really hurting me to have to keep secrets from her.

I can't promise to be monogamous, any more than I want her to promise that. I'm almost positive she is, but I'm certainly not, and that was understood from the beginning. I don't think it's necessary to make that promise; my parents are one of the best couples I know, and they fuck other people. But if I can't commit like that, I feel like I should at least tell her about the other people in my life. She knows about James, obviously, and I've told her about Kate and Roger, as far as telling her that they exist and I've been with them. I make sure to get tested and tell her that too. But I haven't told her about a lot of other stuff, and I feel like it's a half-assed commitment if I'm only mentioning a small part of it.

If this were some bullshit high school movie, I'd give her my class ring to wear, but as it is, I'm not planning to propose to her, and other than that, what more can I commit without letting it all hang out, so to speak? It's distancing me from her, even if she doesn't mind, even if she doesn't want commitment.

Maybe I'm scared of committing, or maybe I've just got a healthy fear of being open about something which, let's face it, is a pretty big deal. People are accepting of me being sexually adventurous, but opening the incest can of worms...

I haven't told many people the whole deal. Some people knew certain things, but I feel like if I want to be open with Sveta, I'm going to have to reveal everything. And there's a part of me which says that that's bullshit, and that she might not want me to be that open. I just don't know.

Anyway, when I'm holding her, that's all I'm thinking about, and it's fucking up my chi. At least when Dad holds me, I don't have to worry about commitment. I don't want to ruin my relationship with Sveta by being too open, but I also don't want to ruin it by doing nothing. She's beautiful. I love her, I've said I love her. That's not as big a deal as it used to be, which is, I guess, why I feel like I have to prove it somehow, and if I can't do it the "traditional" way, I don't know how to do it.

I'm really not asking advice, I'm just, as I said above, venting. Dad's on a business trip, Mom went to bed early to get up tomorrow, and I'm all alone in the house, and despite there being serious issues, I just want to call Sveta up and ask her to come over so I can wrap my arms around her, feel her against my skin. I'm such a wuss.