All Hail Me

Sammy wants to know what I would do if I were in charge, and I'm feeling pretty goofy, so even though I bet it wasn't a legitimate question, I'm going to answer it anyway. Presented, in no particular order:

1. GLBTQ rights are very high on my list.
2. Incest legalized.
3. Chocolate declared best food ever.
4. A harem. Applications are on my desk. Any and all sexual persuasions may apply.
5. Meaningful health care reform, by which I mean free contraceptives and prophylactics for all.
6. All holidays to be celebrated Bacchanalia-style.

Those are all pretty obvious, really.

7. You might think I might say nudity would be the rule of the day. In fact, I like clothing as a concept, and there are many places where clothing should be worn and many people who probably should wear it. But a relaxing of restrictions on clothing is definitely in the cards. If the only reason you're wearing clothes is because it's proper to do so, you can take them off if you want. Note that, by "in charge" I mean, "with absolute power," so I can make it so that people aren't offended by nudity. I have that kind of power. Stay on my good side or I'll turn you into a sex toy. Wait, that should have been an "and."
8. Chipotle peppers go back to being the novelty and interesting food item they were before someone decided that everything should have fucking chipotles in them. Ditto for lime. I love them both, but not everything needs them.
9. My official court garments will be saffron robes. I would kill for a beautiful saffron robe in silk.
10. No more war. Differences to be settled by Olympic Games.
11. The Olympics will be retooled and include nothing but sexual events. A detailed list will have to wait on me coming up with one.
12. Cell phones are to be banned within a floating 100 yard radius of me. If you want me, send a telegram.
13. Everyone will observe at least one hour of disconnected time per day, wherein they can't make phone calls, text, chat, email, or otherwise be involved with long-distance connections. Gradually, I hope people will learn to actually communicate with one another again.
14. Sex is a terrific way to make communication fun. That's not a change, just a public-service announcement.
15. No more sequels, remakes, or conversions from one medium to another will be allowed out of Hollywood. That might prevent a few good movies, but that's a small sacrifice to make. Come up with your own damned ideas, Hollywood.
16. Ridiculous nostalgia is out. If you genuinely liked something the first time around and you still have that thing, you may continue to like it. If you never experienced it the first time, and you experience it and like it, you may continue to like it. If, however, you didn't like it the first time, or you didn't experience it the first time, and the only reason you like it now is because it makes you feel "young," and you fulfill this by having a new version of it instead of the original, or buying, at a ridiculous price, an original that wasn't original to you, I will bop you on the head with my scepter until you see the light.
17. My scepter will make a squeaky sound when I bop people on the head with it.
18. I have controversial ideas on the subject of wealth and the redistribution of it, which I will keep to myself for now. I am most certainly not currently steepling my fingers and laughing maniacally.
19. No more karaoke.

There are probably more. But I'm not making an ongoing series of this, because it would get boring and rapidly veer away from the central thesis of this blog, which is basically sexual. It might seem like all I ever think about is sex, but really, I have a hell of a time sometimes censoring myself so I don't start talking about other things. I have opinions and ideas outside of sex, believe me. But I keep them separate. No need to muddy the waters any more than this list already has.