Angry

Yesterday was bad. Actually, things haven't been going all that well for a number of days now, but yesterday was a climax of bad. I came home from work (yeah, working weekends sucks donkey scrotum for fun) feeling like I was about to explode and do something I would really, really regret, or possibly just curl into a little ball and never come out again. I was tired, pissy, hurting from numerous bruises and cuts, and just generally wanted to scream.

Dad tried to cheer me up; when he asked if I wanted a bit of cock before dinner, I said, "Yes please," with this extremely hungry glint to my eye because I hadn't had any all weekend. The football game (a football game, I should say, since I can't remember who was playing and I didn't care) was on and I lay back on the couch and tried to let him soothe the itch. But nothing doing. I couldn't just lie there. I wanted to punch him. My own father, whom I love more than anything, and basically I wanted to bite him, claw him, ride him like crazy. And I know he doesn't want that, and what's more, I don't want to do that to him. I normally don't want to do that to anyone.

But it was different. After a minute or so, I basically stopped him, which I almost never do, and said, "I'm sorry Daddy, I'm too pissed off to be a good lay today." With another guy, I might have gritted my teeth and let him finish, but with Dad, I knew that wouldn't work. Also, I knew he wouldn't mind as much. I still felt really bad about it. If Sveta or someone else had been there to take up slack, I would have known that he would get his no matter what, but as it was, he was the one who initiated the action, so he must have wanted it badly enough to do that. Fortunately, at that point Mom came in and heard the conversation, and she said she fancied some herself, so they started making love on the couch while I scowled off, because I couldn't stand to watch them either.

I was no good to anyone. It wasn't good. Not good at all.

I am not a ragefucker. Never have been. Sometimes I like it a bit rough (a bit, not rough enough to qualify for a lot of people), but sex and anger seldom combine to make it a good time for me. And when I like it rough, it's usually one-sided; I like to be done, rather than to do. But last night, I could have given as good as I got.

I wanted (perhaps I still want somewhat) to rip clothes, really rip them, intentionally, pulling and tugging, maybe leaving little red marks on the skin. I wanted to shout obscenities as a cock was shoved into my ass, hard. I wanted to ride him, to force myself down onto him. I might have even indulged in a little slapping, scratching, biting. I wouldn't have been myself.

Some people might read this as a side of me trying to get out, something I should indulge. Please don't think I hold it against people who do enjoy this sort of thing when I say that it isn't. I do not enjoy hurting people, mentally or physically. If I were to have gone out last night and found someone I didn't care about, someone whom I could have done various somewhat unpleasant things to, it would have been a very, very bad thing, and I would have felt really guilty about it. Sometimes my anger controls me and I do bad things, usually non-sexually which is how I know that it's not just a fetish that wants petting.

As it was, I was really in no condition to do anything other than glumly eat dinner and then fall asleep. And I thank whatever lucky star made that so, because I don't want to hurt anyone, sexually or otherwise, and when I do, it would just make me feel worse than I already feel about it. This was not a good kind of hurt. This was ugly and stupid and horrible, and I'm really only talking about it here because I have nothing else to say.

Now I've got to make it up to Dad; I'm feeling more like I need a cuddle now than like I need to throw tableware. I'm really glad Sveta wasn't there for this, although I know she would want to be there, to comfort me in my dark times, all that. But sometimes, you just need to be alone, not because you want to be, but because it's safer for everyone concerned.