Have you ever been in love with someone, but they didn't know and you couldn't tell them? That's bad. Unpleasant. It's like stewing. If the reason you can't tell them is a good one, it's still bad, but being a coward makes it worse.
Have you ever been in love with someone, and they knew but weren't in love with you? That might be worse than silent longing. It might not be so bad if you can get over it, but unrequited and ongoing love is tough.
Have you ever been in love with someone, and they loved you back, but neither of you could do anything about it? Distance, circumstance, time... whatever it is. That just sucks.
He got married today. I don't know whether he loves me still or not; I haven't spoken to him in years. I only know about the wedding because of a mutual friend. He might have been the one, but probably not; we were never that great together, when it came right down to it. Hell, maybe he never really loved me at all, not like I love him. We didn't deserve each other. And I hope he's happy being married, and that he doesn't think about me at all. I try not to think about him too much.
I miss Sveta horribly right now. Not as a substitute, but because I feel like my life is collapsing around me and I don't know why, and I love her. Love doesn't need a reason. Love holds you and tells you you're going to be okay. Am I going to be okay? Probably.
I talked with Mike. He never liked the man in question, never thought he was good enough. Mike's a good brother; no one's good enough for me. But even though I really had to tell him, had to tell someone and I couldn't tell so many people, it didn't help. I'm not even sure how much I can tell Sveta, not now, not without crying. But I could tell her a little, and she could hold me and tell me it was okay. I was going to be okay.
I'm sorry that this is all so cryptic and melodramatic. I just can't talk about it.
If you love someone, maybe it's better not to tell them. Maybe you should just be alone forever, drifting from place to place, never really being with people, not really. Maybe you should say "I love you" and not mean it, keep that part of yourself locked up. Maybe.
5 comments:
Hi there; long time-reader, first-time poster. Your post is very touching. It's nice(although I wish it were uinder better circumstances) to see this side of yourself. I can't imjagine how you must be feeling inside, but I've been familiar with all three scenarios, none of them pleasant. The only thing I could say, if it helps, is that it gets easier to deal with in time. I know its a cliche, but you're a good, caring woman, no matter what people might say. I'm sure better days are ahead, even if it feels like the opposite.
No. Yes. Yes.
"Alone forever" makes for a sad and lonely time on earth. Safe for the heart, but lonely. Nobody wants that.
Call Sveta, keep your chin up and smile. :)
@Virgil: Thanks. In this case, it just feels a bit like picking at an old scab until the blood flows again. It'll scab back over eventually. Maybe not heal, but it won't hit me in the gut every time I think about it.
@France: At this point, safe and stable sounds increasingly good. That's me talking with no sense of perspective by distance of course.
"cryptic and melodramatic" is fien, and as Virgil said, it's good to see this side of you, it makes you out as a real person and knowing the real you makes you more lovable.
The imbalance of love is the root of much unhappiness. We love more, or less than they do, or we love them at the wrong time, or in the wrong way. We hear, "I love you like a brother" or "I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you."
all of them speak to this search for the right time, the right place. Your thoughts for him may never fade, but the pain will. I still have her picture in my desk at work. Just a wallet size that I refuse to throw away.
Do I love her still? I love the memory of her, and on certain days, I miss her deeply as the embodiment of an ideal. But if she were to show up at my door I would no longer walk away with her as I once thought.
Maybe. But I think you know that it's not the best way to g through life. If you feel it, tell them, regardless of how they react.
If it would help to call Sveta, call her!
All the best to you. :-)
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