Cliffs, Hanging From

I'm back. I won't skip ahead, but the drop-off has been made successfully.

So I had just said, "I have something I should probably tell you then," to Sveta as we were cuddling and talking about secrets and how good it is not to have any between us. I mean, can you blame me? It's been killing me to keep secrets from her, and we're talking about it, and... yeah, I could have killed me too, at that moment.

I was honestly going to try to fob her off with a more minor secret, maybe tell her about Kate or something. But I couldn't bring myself to do that either. So we both woke up completely, and I tried to be coy, and she wanted to know, and back and forth like that. "I can't tell you, I never should have said anything." "Yes you can, please tell me." "I can't, really, I'm sorry, forget it." "I know you want to tell me." And so on.

Sveta doesn't have a nasty bone in her body, I've decided, so when she started to get bothered by the fact that I was keeping a secret from her, getting a little emotional about that, either she is the greatest actress in the history of mankind, or she was not being passive-aggressive. I know she wasn't being passive-aggressive, in fact. I was fucking her over, and after I'd said I wouldn't. I couldn't tell her, and at the same time I couldn't not tell her. And it was unpleasant.

I was prepared for her to leave, camp out on the couch or something, and I offered to save her the trouble to leave the room, drive her back the next day, since I was hurting her and I didn't want to do that. I was miserable. Not a good sequence of events.

And then she looked me in the eye, gave me a kiss, got all mature on my ass, and said, "Don't you know that I love you enough that it doesn't matter?"

Let's break away for a moment to recap my life. I am very lucky, have a loving family, have been given many breaks in life. The only thing I think I can say hasn't been lucky is my love life. My sex life is terrific, lucky, all that, but other than my family, I've never had someone who loved me like I guess Sveta does. I've loved someone more than I love her, even, I'm afraid, but the feeling was not mutual. So suffice to say, if I have a button to press, it's that one.

I started to cry, she was crying a little too, I kissed her, and then I took a deep breath and said, "I know how you feel about my Dad, because I feel the same way." Maybe not the greatest opener to the conversation, but it got the point across. Her eyes widened a little, and she made an "oh" face without saying anything.

At first she thought I was simply saying that I was attracted to my father, which would have been taboo enough, I suppose. And maybe I could have left it there. But it was like lancing a boil; I wanted to tell her all of it, or at least enough of it that I wasn't keeping secrets from her any more. So I gave her the abbreviated version because I didn't feel like going into clinical detail. I won't quote myself, because I'm afraid I wasn't totally coherent. But suffice to say, Sveta found out about my family. She didn't hear every detail, but she knows about my family.

It felt really good to tell her, but when I finished, I looked at her and knew that she was horrified, that she didn't want to be with a pervert like me. You can "know" all kinds of things, as it turns out, that aren't true, but at that point, I said that I understood if she never wanted to see me again, and all I asked was that she please not judge me too harshly and maybe not tell anyone else. My head was in my hands, I was crying again out of despair. Believe me, if I were writing the romance movie of my life, this scene would have been played way differently.

I sat there for a while, my head in my hands, weeping softly, until I felt her hand on my shoulder, just a touch. I couldn't tell whether it was pity or love or what, but when I looked up, she gave me a look which said she wasn't sure how to act now. I asked her if she wanted me to sleep on the couch, and she shook her head no, but nothing else. "I know it's a lot," I said. "But it doesn't change me. I'm still who I am."

"I know," she said. And it sounded like she meant it. I put my hand up to touch hers, and she didn't pull away, so I held it between my hands and stared into her eyes, and we kind of communed like that for a while. We both, I'm sure, looked like Hell, teary-eyed, tired, unsure. But finally we both were smiling, and she said, "It's a lot. Let's sleep on it."

Well, I wasn't the only one who had trouble getting to sleep that night. Still, we lay there in bed, cuddling, occasionally shifting, being together, and it seemed like maybe, just maybe, she was going to surprise me. I mean, Sveta's got a lot of resilience in her; she has been okay with a lot of things. I don't know too many other people who would have been the way she has. So maybe I shouldn't be surprised that she reacted the way she did. Maybe if I'd just come out and told her, without all the drama, maybe it would have been better. Maybe I should have waited, planned a weekend which was for nothing but me telling her, instead of potentially ruining her birthday party. We'll never know now.

She finally fell asleep, and I stayed there for a long time, trying to fall asleep too, trying to shut my brain up, because even though now I can look back on it and see the positive, at the time, I was not optimistic. Finally, really late, I had to get up to use the bathroom, and I spent a fair portion of the night pacing around after that. But eventually I went back to my room and got back into bed, and she woke up a little, turned to me with a groggy smile, and kissed me before falling back asleep.

We slept in a bit, because Sveta hadn't gone to bed early by any means, and I had barely been asleep long enough to count. In the early afternoon, we both woke up, and for a few moments the previous evening didn't weigh too heavily on us. But then I remembered, and asked her if she wanted me to take her back to school, maybe just give it some space so she could decide. In trying to be as non-hurtful as possible, I might have seemed like I wanted her to reject me, but really, I just didn't want to hurt her. I think she knew that. She said no, she wanted to stay.

And then I was going to let her have the shower first, but she said she wanted company, and for the first time, optimism started winning out. It was different, the first time after she found out, but after that, it was like she didn't care. We went back to the bedroom totally naked, not even bothering with towels, and made love again on the bed, and the connection was back and maybe stronger than ever. Spent a long time basking in the afterglow, and then she asked me whether I was feeling better. And you know what? I felt terrific.

We talked about some things, somewhat awkwardly. She asked me some questions about family activities, whether or not it was okay for my parents to know she knew, whether I was expecting anything from her, that kind of thing. I said it would be best if I told them, but that I was going to right away, just so it wouldn't be awkward, and that it didn't need to change anything, that they would still be perfectly happy to be supportive parents, that sort of thing.

She said she'd never really had parents, at least not like mine, not a healthy family life, so maybe it was easier for her to accept it. And she said she liked my parents a lot, so obviously they weren't mean people who were abusing me. This is very true; if you met my parents, you wouldn't believe for a moment they could abuse anyone, let alone their kids. Then she asked if my Dad was interested in her. It wasn't a leading question; I think it was only logical.

I was tempted to tell her she should ask him, not me, but I told her that my Dad thought she was a pretty young woman, but he wasn't a rapist and he knew she was my girlfriend, so unless she was interested in him, that's all that needed to be said. My Dad hasn't shared many partners with me. He's never had Gwen, for instance, and she knows all about my family and has met my parents. Sveta blushed at the answer, but said she was still processing and it would take some time to figure out things. I said, sure, no problem, take all the time you want. It's a tough nut to crack, my family. Not easy to get your brain around.

But the worst was over. Sveta got her homework (poor dear, having to work at a time like that) and I went to talk to my parents. My mother was in the kitchen icing the cake, so I told her first, also because I wanted her input. She said, "You're serious about her, aren't you?"

That gave me pause. But she's right. I never would have thought, a year ago, that things would wind up like this. When I first met Sveta, I was sort of dating her boyfriend, and she was just a girl I was helping him bag. Then... well, if you've read, you know what happened (don't want to make this post longer than it already is). And now here I am, having told her about my family, basically going steady with a girl who is pretty much a generation younger than me, and yet I don't care. And I don't think she does either.

I feel like I'm announcing my engagement, and I don't really want to make it be like that. I'm just in love with her, maybe not in the marrying way, but certainly like she was family. And I want her to be part of my family even more now that I know how horrible her family is. She deserves better.

So yeah, my Mom was supportive, said she thought something like that was brewing. I said, "I wish you'd warned me!" Then Dad came in to find out what the conversation was about, and I told him too. He was a little more personally interested in the situation, particularly when I told him Sveta had a crush on him. He kindly refrained from making Daffy Duck noises too. Mom just laughed and said she was glad she wasn't a woman in a traditional marriage because she would have to spend all her time keeping Dad at home. It's true; my Dad would never cheat on Mom, but if things were different, he's quite the lady-killer.

Dad said I was exactly right, that he was not interested in Sveta in any other way than wanting the best for her, that it was incredible that she had taken it so well but that nothing should be done without her doing it. My Dad is a gentleman. It might not seem like it if you think he's abusing me, but he's nothing but a good man who only wants what's best for people. People take advantage of him because of it, if you can believe it.

Well, the party was still on, so I had to cook. I went back up to my room briefly to check on Sveta, and she gave me a smile and asked how my parents were taking it. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and said they were thrilled, couldn't wait to see her at dinner, but it was up to her whether anything was said about it ever again. She said that was okay. Then she got a bit of a sly look on her face and asked me, "Now that I know, does this mean I have to worry about you sneaking off late at night to get satisfied in ways I can't?"

I could tell she was joking, but only a little. I joked back, "My Dad wouldn't let me wake him up late at night." Then I kissed her, on the lips this time, and said, "Besides, you're all I need." A tiny little white lie, because I do love me some cock, but when Sveta's there, she is all I need. I don't sneak off and fuck my Dad when she's there, and I'm not going to start now. I think she appreciated the reassurance.

Okay, this post is getting long again, and I think it's time to break, since the cliff has been successfully scaled and what's left is just gravy. Tasty gravy, believe me, but it doesn't change the central situation. So I'm going to break off and then come back and talk about the birthday party a little later. Believe me, you'll get through the whole weekend, I just have to pace myself a little. I'm not going to skip over anything.

Bursting at the Seams

I have so much stuff to talk about, it's going to take a supreme effort of will to get through it all. Not that I don't want to talk about it, but rather that I don't want to skip right to the end. Since it's a sequence of events, even though I know the end and I want to skip there, I'll start from the beginning so I can make sense of it all. Also, I'm a tease and I'm building tension. Chances are good I may not get through all of it in one post, plus there'll be more stuff tomorrow, so be prepared for a cliff-hanger.

Right, so first I've got to go back in time to when Sveta and I arrived home. I said there was a meet and greet with the parents, but I didn't specify because at that point it didn't seem important. But during the meet and greet, Dad gave Sveta a big kiss, not on the lips, but more than a peck on the cheek between friends. I don't know what possessed him to do that, honestly. I said something, and he said, "What, I can't enjoy kissing a pretty girl?" Sveta blushed, I thought with embarrassment, I mock-glared, and Mom swatted him playfully on the shoulder. I thought it was just my Dad doing what he does, being a flirt. He's done similar things with my friends in the past, and he's just that kind of Dad. I know he kind of means it, but the objects of his attentions don't. They think, "Oh, Lexi's Dad is that kind of Dad." It's not sexual, it's just... Dad flirting. He is something of a notorious flirt.

Anyway, we'll come back to that. Finally got to sleep way too late, woke up the next day, felt like crap. But getting to take a shower with Sveta washed away a lot of my crappiness, and we wound up using up far too much hot water, then retreating to my room to eat each other out for what seemed like the better part of an hour.

Then we went out, walked around, held hands coyly in town, ready to break apart at the first sign of trouble. I confess, I'm still getting used to the idea of Sveta being my acknowledged main squeeze, and she's nervous about being found out, so we don't do the PDA thing. Went to the town bakery, bought some delicious rosemary rolls, and ate them under a tree.

It was getting a bit nippy, so we went back home, but it was nice because we got to go out and do something. Then we sat around in robes for a while and talked. Boy did we talk.

I now know what's going on with Sveta's family. Turns out that her parents are divorced, her mother lost custody because she has substance abuse issues, and her dad remarried when she was very young. She has two adult step-brothers, and they get all the attention. Her step-mother doesn't like her very much, her father sides with her step-mother, and basically Sveta is the child no one wants. Has been for almost all her life. Her step-brothers were in college when her Dad remarried, so she hasn't ever really had them as family; they're like family friends. I take it her step-mother is considerably older than her father.

Anyway, that's why she gets no support from them. It got pretty emotional when she was telling me this, and we were both crying and cuddling and just kind of holding onto each other. She basically has never told anyone but me everything she told me. I think she felt good getting it off her chest, and at the same time she was worried that maybe I'd stop loving her or something (ridiculous, as we all know, but perfectly understandable given her situation). She's been being fucked over by people from the get-go, so I think she expected to get fucked over again this time.

Well, when I told her that I loved her even more because of that, I made her day. Hell, I probably made her year. We had a long talk, the particulars of which I won't go into, but basically it boiled down to me saying that I was in love with her and wasn't going to fuck her over. It seemed like a good time to make love, so we did, slowly, tenderly, me doing pretty much all the work at first, my fingers slipping up into her wet space and stroking her, my lips carressing every inch of her skin. She came almost immediately when I got between her legs and started kissing her pussy, didn't even have to work at it. It was beautiful.

Then we went out for dinner just because there was no dinner available at home and I wasn't up to cooking and we didn't want to wait. We sat in the booth at the diner side by side, and honestly, I'm pretty sure it was screaminly obvious that we were romantically involved. But who cared? Certainly not me. The waitress was this older lady who seemed touched by us, so she got a big tip for being nice and accepting. The worst thing about going out with Sveta is that... well, she's short, I'm tall, people think I'm her mother sometimes. I'm really not that old, am I? I'm not to the "hot Mom" stage yet. But I don't really care.

We went home, and on the car ride home started talking about my parents, my family in general. Sveta said something about my Dad being nice, and I agreed. Then she remembered him kissing her the night before, and it turns out she wasn't embarrassed, she was happy to be complimented. She's got a crush on my Dad. I tried not to make "whoohoo" Daffy-Duck-style noises.

She's okay talking with me about sexual things, even things which might seem beyond the pale in most conversations, so even though we both knew that my Dad was married (for the purposes of the conversation, I knew that, even though I also knew it didn't matter) we talked about him like he were some hot new hunk. She knows I'm perfectly comfortable talking about Dad that way; we've had hypothetical conversations about sex in the past that have strayed into territory of that sort. I was never ballsy enough to complete the push and break on through to the other side, so to speak, but we were discussing my Dad in somewhat embarrassing detail.

When we got home, we went upstairs and had some fun with toys, working off the sexual tension that had arisen talking about Dad. Sveta even said, "Lexi, your Dad's hunky, and if he wasn't your Dad, you'd think so too." We giggled, me a little falsely I'm afraid, because I'm a wuss. I could have said something, but it wasn't the time.

It was getting late, Sveta had been up way before I was, and after she came all over my fingers as I was toying with a plug in her ass, we settled down, curled up, and I got ready to wait for her to fall asleep, then get up and do the insomnia thing. Hell, if I can't sleep with her, at least I can hold her while she falls asleep.

She was being kind of chatty though, pillow talk mostly, but eventually we came back to the subject of her family, and she said, "I'm so glad I'm not keeping that secret from you any more."

Well friends, apparently there's nothing on Earth more likely to produce an impulsive reaction in me than hearing words of love from my girl. Because before I could stop myself, I said, "I have something I should probably tell you then."

And then the world crashed to a halt, and I pondered just how I was going to get out of this one. It was like bullet time. My brain was sounding red alerts, trying to figure out who had authorized my mouth to form those words, my voicebox to provide the sound for them. I think I might have transformed, momentarily, into a turtle and pulled everything into my shell in an instant. Maybe if I distract her, she'll forget I said anything. Maybe she's asleep and I can just tell her, "Go to sleep, we'll talk tomorrow," and then she'll forget. Maybe I can run, right now, and spend my life as a nun in some distant nunnery. We've all been there. Self-preservation, in this case, clammed my mouth up completely. I just don't know how it dropped the ball on the first sentence.

Now don't worry, because there is a happy ending to this tale, but this post is getting long and I can't go on with it at the moment. So you get the cliff-hanger as promised, and I'll write some more as soon as I can.

Update

Much to talk about, but can't right now. Thanks for the kind wishes of everyone. The post that was just posted was in the pipe, and I didn't break off my busy life to post about porn. It was scheduled. Sorry for being incommunicado.

Let's just say I've got some catching up to do, not bad things. Took a very small break to write this, but can't stay any longer.

Later, later.

What's a Turkist?

You know me, I love me some anal sex, and porn with anal is always good. Except it isn't always good. Sometimes, porn with anal is really awful, not erotic at all. This is not one of those. I think you can trust me not to post awful porn.

http://video.xnxx.com/video218162/turkist_cute_teen_anal

I don't know what a turkist is; I am assuming it's supposed to be Turkish. People on the Internet aren't so smart. It's in German, to the best of my ability to tell, and it does start somewhat slow. But it picks up. The girl is very sexy, wearing a sexy outfit, and for those of you in the audience with a shaving fetish (I'm not one of them, but it doesn't turn me off or anything) there's a whole sequence of that. I don't think it's real, since there doesn't seem to be much shaving going on, but still, it's there.

She doesn't remind me of anything, just that it's an older guy and a younger girl, and I sometimes like that in porn. And there's the whole anal thing, which is icing on the cake, so to speak.

Enjoy. I know I did.

Fucking Insomnia

Sveta is asleep in my bed. I am not. After a certain point, I got up because all my tossing and turning was going to wake her up. In fact, it sort of already had, to the point where she was sort of whimpering at me. Poor cookie. But it's ridiculously cute though.

I spent the entire drive, to and from, in a haze. It's a miracle that I didn't kill myself or others, frankly. Except that it was the type of zombie haze I can get into when I haven't slept enough, not the type of haze where I'm actually asleep while I'm walking around. So yes, I managed to get there and back with Sveta, although I couldn't tell you how, nor could I accurately describe any landmarks or sights of interest. It was twilight for part of it anyway.

She was kind of tired too, but she was really trying to be peppy in spite of it, which made me feel horribly guilty for being so out of it. But she kept me going on the ride home. We had a late dinner of leftovers from my parents' dinner (classy) and then she was falling asleep on her feet, poor dear. Got to say hi to my parents, but no big conversations, just meet and greet. They were heading to bed when we got in. And like a peach, she wanted to spend some time with me, so we didn't head right to bed either, sat on the couch, put on a movie, and then she was basically out on my shoulder. And I was drowsing too, but the kind which disappeared the moment I saw my bed. That is the most annoying thing in the world to me: I can be asleep on my feet, unable to look at books, TV, or anything else without going cross-eyed, and the second I lie down, I'm unable to sleep. I'm no good to anyone, but I still can't sleep. And if I can't fall asleep after a certain length of time in bed, my joints start to hurt and I toss and turn, and then, well, here I am.

The worst part is that I'm unbelievable horny. I mean, I was naked in bed with my girlfriend (yes, I'll call her that, I really should start), we were bundled together under the covers, and my God I wanted to start something. But she would have fallen asleep halfway through. Poor tuckered out little gal.

So instead, here I am, trying to figure out the best way to knock myself out. If I wind up sleeping on the couch or the guest bed or something, I'm going to be pissed. But I can't wake her up either. Maybe I need to cum. Well, that's obvious, but it's not necessarily the root of my insomnia.

The root of my insomnia is probably complicated, but it is contributed to in part by the fact that I'm anxious about this weekend, how it will go. It's ridiculous, but I'm getting serious about this, and you know, I want things to go well. It's a big deal for me. So nerves aren't helping.

I was hoping that tomorrow we could do something more than just sit around. I don't know how likely that is now that I can't get to sleep, but maybe I'll be able to pull myself together. And I've got to go shopping for the party (well, I call it a party, and it is, damn it, but it's not like I'm giving a dinner or anything; I just have to shop for Sveta's birthday meal). I have to wrap her present (you'll find out when she does). I have to try to satisfy her physically, mentally, and emotionally. Yeah, I'm not expecting much of myself. Not much at all.

This isn't a surprise party, by the way. I don't believe in surprise parties. I wouldn't want one thrown for me. Surprise gifts I love, but surprise parties... I like to know when to expect a party. I'm not very big into birthdays because some unpleasant things have happened on my birthdays, but I like to acknowledge them festively, just not with huge surprise parties with hundreds of people. Despite the impression that might come across, I'm not a party person. When I wind up doing crazy shit at parties, it's partially me trying to be something I'm not, and partially a reaction to my supreme disinterest in parties, which leads me to drink too much or feel awkward or whatever.

Anyway, big plans, and thinking about them isn't helping at all, and why am I doing it? Plus I'm thinking about some other plans unrelated to this weekend's plans, and yeah, mind going a mile a minute, only in neutral because it's incapable of actually doing anything.

I think I'm going to find something pornographic, I'm going to open the bottle of vodka I have in the freezer, and I'm going to have a glass and get off as many times as I can until I can fall asleep. Not a good plan, but the only one I have right now. Then brush my teeth so I don't smell like a lush and return to my bower and snuggle with my sweetie. And if I don't fall asleep then, I'm fucked.

Early

I didn't get much sleep last night, not for any reason other than the usual insomnia. Had to wake up to do some things, and now my brain is trying to convince me that it would be a delightful idea, not a bad idea at all, to just lie down for a minute, close my eyes, not sleep, just maybe give my brain a little rest, just a little, no big deal. I hope I'm accurately conveying my internal monologue.

Thing is, even if it were a good idea normally (which it wouldn't be because then I'd fall asleep and wake up and not be able to get back to sleep tonight, totally fucking my schedule into a cocked hat) it is impossible not because Sveta just called and said that she got out of her Friday class and she wants me to pick her up today instead of showing up tomorrow. Apparently she can't get here today unless I pick her up. I don't understand public transportation, but there it is.

So of course I'm going to pick her up. I mean, why would I say no, other than that I feel like I'm going to drive off the road and kill innocent people? That's no obstacle to love. But as tired as I am, I doubt I'm going to be very nice company. I warned her of this, and, sweet thing, she said she didn't mind, that she was probably going to be beat too. So we'll both be beat together.

But still, extra time tomorrow, which is great. And we're still partying on Saturday. And really, all I'm complaining about is that my brain hates me right now. Seriously, my brain wants me to die. It cannot stand my continued consciousness. All it wants is to curl up into a little ball and be warm and cozy, and instead I'm dragging it out into the cruel world. But I imagine it will forgive me once the endorphins hit.

And now I'm sitting here, killing time, trying to stay awake for a little while longer so I can get in my car soon and drive. Got music. Had lunch. Wondering whether I should chance some coffee this late in the day. If I start falling asleep at the wheel, I will. Not that this is the most tired I've ever been by a long stretch. I remember driving to work with my eyes closed a number of times. Seriously, I'm pretty sure I navigated by muscle memory alone, and it's a serious wonder to me that I didn't crash and kill myself. So this will not be like that. I'm just a little groggy right now. I'll perk up.

Shut up, brain.

Post-Script

What's that, porn?

You say you're not to blame?

You say you just want me to be happy?

Oh.

Well, I guess so. I mean, I didn't mean you were bad, just that maybe...

No, don't cry, please, please porn. You know I hate to see you cry.

I was mean. I know I was. I didn't intend for you to overhear... but that's no excuse. I promise, in future, I'll consult you before I make rash pronouncements.

Do you forgive me?

Let's never fight again.