TMI Tuesday

From the vault:

1. Do you think sex is less important after age 50? Why or why not?

Why, because menopause?  Come on, sex is important no matter how old you are.  For me, anyway.  No judgments on people who don't care about it much one way or the other.  But if you're over 50 and want sex but think it should somehow be less important to you, don't let them tell you that.  Ladies and gentlemen, all sides of the equation deserve good sex for as long as they want it, regardless of age.

2. Were you ever squeamish about sex? At what age (or age range)?

I've never been squeamish about it.  I think when I first got "the talk" I had already figured out that my pussy was a fun thing, and it sounded like a lot of fun to explore.  But I'm weird.

3. When did you quit being squeamish and start to relax and enjoy sex?

I was, as I said above, never squeamish, but I did have trouble relaxing about it for a while for other reasons.  It was anticipation and nervousness.  I wasn't squeamish and I wasn't terribly nervous that it would hurt or anything, but I was nervous both that I would be lousy at it (I still am, shockingly) and that it wouldn't be as good as it was cracked up to be.  I got that way before my first time, but my first time helped with a lot of that.  And then I continued to be nervous about it with other partners for a while, but eventually I just realized that it didn't matter that much.  My rather off-hand attitude about sex may have started early but it took a while for it to sink in fully.  Hell, there's still baggage.  I'm not perfect.  But I've realized that sex is just another thing we do, and if it's lousy, that doesn't mean sex is lousy, just that it was a lousy time.

I still do get nervous around people I care about because I want to please them, or because I'm afraid that I'll get attached to them.  I don't think I have a fear of commitment, but I do have various other baggage which makes commitment harder.  Thankfully, I'm pretty committed at this point, so all I have to worry about is other people getting attached to me and me having to tell them gently that, no, I'm not fucking you because I love you.  That's hard for some people to hear, but I don't mean it as an insult.  I have sex with people where it means nothing, but I also have sex where it means something but not romantically.  I'll fuck friends.  Sometimes it doesn't work out, but I've been lucky enough to keep a lot of my friends where it has, or at least not to lose them because we had sex.

Also, what kind of question is this?  "When did you stop beating your wife, senator?"

4. What is sex worth to you?

Everything and nothing.  I love it and I really can't live without it, but it means less to me than for a lot of people.  It's odd.

I feel the same way about food.  I love food and I wouldn't survive without it, but I can cheerfully eat food which is cheap and easy, and not just because I have to eat something.  It's not such a big fucking deal.  I guess that's all I'm saying.  I love it, but it's not a big deal.

5. What do you seek in exchange for sex?

From me?  Well, I tried prostitution once and didn't enjoy it, so maybe just mutual pleasure?  I don't know.  I don't fuck for gain.  I fuck because I enjoy it.  I'd like to have sex with people who are interested in making me feel good, but I expect the same from myself, so I'm not sure what to answer.

6. Is your sex life better or worse now vs. five years ago? Why?

Worse because of the medical stuff.  Boring answer.  If it weren't for that, the same or better, I imagine.  I've lost some ready opportunities in five years, but I've also gained some exciting possibilities.  Plus being with Sveta means the hottest fucking this side of the Pecos, so that's a big item in the plus column there.

7. Would you answer your mobile phone (a call or text) if it rang/dinged while you were having sex?

Depends.  How big a deal is it?  If I'm on a date or we're hot and heavy and sex is what we're doing, then no, what kind of monster does that?  If we're fucking to pass the time, sure.  Or if for some reason I was expecting a call and it was part of the sex.  Like if Mike said he was going to call me while Sveta and I were fucking, we'd put him on speaker.  Something like that.

I guess it depends on context, like a lot of manners.  For some people, there's one kind of sex and it's like being in a board meeting with your partner.  Hold my calls.  And that's valid.  I have sex like that.  But there's something incredibly sexy about having a normal phone conversation while someone is trying to destroy your composure, and I recommend that too, although try to do it in a low-risk way if you're an amateur, or you'll wind up fired or something.

Bonus: What is the one thing you wish your love interest understood about you?

That I don't blame her for my issues.  I'm not going to air my dirty laundry here any more than I already do, but I do wish that Sveta understood that the fact that she can't help me with some things doesn't mean I don't want her help, or that she's a failure.  I've told her this, so this isn't news, but I know she still feels bad about it sometimes.  But that's okay.  I know she knows and she knows I know, and I do the same thing sometimes.

When you tie your emotional life to someone, they're going to feel bad when you feel bad.  That's both natural and to be admired.  That's part of love, right there.  I feel bad when I can't help Sveta with a problem too.  But you have to be careful not to let it spiral out of control.  It's a negative feedback loop.  If she feels bad that I feel bad, then I feel bad that she feels bad, and pretty soon we're both feeling terrible.

I'm not a couples' councilor or an advice columnist, but it seems to me that you can either try to help any way you can and tie your happiness to trying to improve the situation in some way, even if it doesn't seem like it helps with the central problem; or you can just call a halt to the feedback loop and say, "Okay, I'm sorry you feel bad, but I'm not going to let it make me feel any worse than that."  That seems callous, but it's not healthy to be so co-dependent that you can't be happy if your partner isn't.  That can motivate you to improve situations where you have some control, certainly, so I'm not at all saying that you shouldn't care about your partner's well-being or happiness.  But sometimes, there's nothing you can do but try to make their lives better by being positive yourself, and you can't do that if you're sad that they're sad.  Acknowledge the problem and that they feel bad about it, but don't crash yourself.  They need your strength, even if they don't ask for it.

I say all of that, but don't do as I do, kids, because I don't do that.  I go into plenty of spirals.  I'm mentally ill.  I'm weak.  But I keep trying.

That got heavy.  If you've got any questions so I don't have to keep answering these impersonal ones, please let me know in the usual ways.