TMI Tuesday

When would you seek help from a sex therapist?

I thought about it when I was having my lady-parts problems because I had basically been gaslit by the medical profession into thinking it was something wrong with my mind rather than wrong with my body. Then I thought about it after I had my surgery because I was still kind of in a weird headspace about sex. The main reason I didn't, either of those times, was because I had no idea where to go to seek out a professional sex therapist. They're thin on the ground in my area. There's also the matter of money, not having.

Tell us about your sluttiest act ever.

I'm sure many people can answer this question because they've done one slutty thing in their vanilla lives and it stands out like a sore thumb. And to them, I say, "Bravo! If you're happy with how your life is, sexually, I am not going to judge the fact that you've only ever really done one thing which you regard as slutty. In fact, I mostly hope that you don't regret doing it, because the appellation 'slutty' often has negative connotations. I hope you enjoyed it, whatever it was." Seriously.

However, for me, that was a Tuesday.

I think the sluttiest thing, with regard to how it was viewed at the time, that I can think of that I've done was probably having a threesome in the boys' locker room with two guys while their girlfriends and assorted hangers-on watched, in order to basically win a bet. I felt pretty slutty at the time, and I know the audience thought I was a whore for doing it. That I stole one of the two guys from his girlfriend afterward, just because I could, not because I actually wanted him, adds somewhat to the level of slut.

But I mean, I had a 10 guy gangbang one time. Which my sisters organized. That's pretty slutty too. That's probably beyond slutty.

Have you ever played air-guitar naked?

I used to play air guitar in the privacy of my room, and I was often naked, so yeah, I've done this.

To what song do you most like to play air-guitar either clothed or naked?

I don't play air guitar anymore. I think actually knowing the rudiments of how to play guitar has ruined it for me; that and being self-conscious about it looking silly. I usually play air drums. But if I had to pick a song Bulls On Parade by Rage Against the Machine is a bitchin' air guitar song. You can use the air pedals, you can headbang, it's great.

Are you good in bed? Why?

I like to think so. Certainly I've had few complaints. Why I am is perhaps a matter of opinion and you should probably ask my partners why they enjoy me, but I think it boils down to a few things: lack of inhibitions, communication, and practice. 

It's not that I have no inhibitions at all, but I have far fewer than the average bear, so I'm willing to take a flier on something that might not work, and being able to experiment leads to finding things that do work. I should also mention that I have had the privilege of being in safe situations where experimentation was rewarded, which helps too, but it boils down to a willingness to experiment.

Communication is key to being good in bed, and while I'm not the best at it overall, I'm not scared of it in the bedroom. Seriously, even without the other aspects of me which make me good in bed, communication would go a long way. If you can both communicate what makes you feel good and find out from others what makes them feel good, you can be good in bed too. And there's nothing selfish about being able to communicate your own needs. It's profoundly unsexy to be doing things to another person, hoping they'll work, and get no feedback except them not working.

Lastly, practice may not make perfect. In fact, it probably doesn't unless informed by outside factors. If you have never been taught to do something, practicing it will only make you get better at being bad at it, if that makes sense. So practice, in and of itself, is not the solution. With sex, practice with only one partner, even with the best communication, makes you really good at making that person feel good, so you'd probably be good in bed with them, but not necessarily in general. So the fact that I've had plenty of practice with varied partners means I have a wider set of experiences to draw on.

All told though, I'm maybe not the best in bed ever. I'm not as reactive as some people like, and I do have some inhibitions, despite having fewer of them. I think Sheri is better in bed than I am, simply because she'll do almost anything with anyone, but then if you're looking for someone virginal and innocent she wouldn't float your boat at all. Sveta and I are great together but if you're a guy looking for a certain type of threesome we might be too into each other. It's all relative. I think I'm decent in bed, and I think I can please the lion's share of people in bed, even if I'm not their platonic ideal.

What tactile sensation FEELS Sexy to you?

Flesh. Warm flesh with a little give to it. The feel of someone on my tongue. Flesh with goosebumps can be particularly sexy if I've caused the goosebumps. Cotton-covered flesh of a certain variety. Lace-covered flesh too. Warmth, sometimes moistness (I know some people hate that word but I like it), yielding, cotton, lace.

What are three words you don’t want to hear during sex?

"The condom broke." Not because I'm worried about pregnancy; I'm certainly not now, and I've never been particularly. I don't like condoms much and if I'm in a situation where my partner is wearing one, it's because I don't want to catch anything. Sex where the condom is there to break is a rare enough occurrence for me. I should be more careful, but I'm not, and when I'm careful it's usually for a good reason, so I don't want to be exposed to risk I wasn't willing to take.

Beyond that, "I hate this," probably doesn't bode well for sex,  but I don't think I've ever heard it; not that I'm tooting my own horn, just that it hasn't come up even when my partner clearly wasn't having a good time. "Can we stop?" is something I hear with enough frequency that I know that it's not a good thing to hear, but it's not necessarily a bad thing, and one should always be able to say it. Consent can be withdrawn mid-act, kids. But a lot of times people don't feel comfortable saying it, so if they do, it can mean that they're comfortable enough that it's not the end of the world, even if it is the end of sex for the time being. Sometimes it leads to better sex in the future, sometimes even in the very near future if the thing being stopped is simply an act that isn't working and they want to try a different position or something.

There are things which can't be expressed in three words that I don't want to hear during sex, but those two are the ones that I can think of that are three-word sentences. If, instead, the question is about three single words, any of which I don't want to hear during sex, I would say that "scat" or some variation thereof is probably one of mine, but beyond that, I don't have a pat answer.