Aunt Jenny died Monday. She just couldn't fight any more. If you're the prayerful type, she'd probably appreciate that, and if you're not, she would understand. Dad is a wreck. The funeral is going to be difficult. I'm really not seeking sympathy or really anything at all, just telling everyone why I haven't been in touch this week. Unlike last week, when it was some other fucking thing. Or the week before when it was something else. Or before that.
I feel terrible because I didn't really get any chance to say goodbye. And I'm a bit frightened of death. Which is a terrible thing to be, really. I should have been able to visit her, to tell her I loved her. Instead, I was scared and I didn't, and now I can't. I'm not sure what our obsession with saying goodbye is; it's not like it would make me feel any better, or make her any less dead. Yes, I'm saying she died. She didn't "pass on" or "go to her reward" or any of that shit. She died. She is no longer alive. That may be brutal, but it's the truth.
I've been spending far too much time with Sveta, and neglecting other things, and I'm pretty sure I've been making her neglect things too. But at this point, I almost don't care. I just want to be happy for a little while.
Anyway, that's what it is.
4 comments:
Sorry to hear about your loss.
Sending hugs through cyberspace.
When people die, they die, if we see them again in some form or another, all the better, but I'm not counting on it right now.
I am sorry to hear of the sadness in your life. As you help you dad cope, focus on life, and that means time with family, and with Sveta, and ignoring things that should be ignored. Because in the end, most of it's just crap anyway.
You are in my thoughts.
my condolences. i send good thoughts for peace of heart and mind for you and your family during this time.
Post a Comment