We were hoping to go over to Kate's for New Years Eve, but they had plans. So we arranged a meetup during the week, since my work is closed as is Kate's. Sveta still had to work, but she got off early so we could head over there.
Kate told us that she didn't want anything for herself and we should plow whatever we were going to spend on her into things for the boys. Still, we got her a bottle of wine because we felt bad. On our budget, we had to get economy gifts I'm afraid, but it's okay. We got both boys their own set of plugs, graduating from beginner to expert. They probably won't last that long, but it's a good introduction. There are three, and the third isn't huge, but it's probably big enough to work on.
Kate got Kevin a Fleshlight. The insert is an asshole (which I think is supposed to be a girl's asshole, but it's not like they're that different). It's not as good as the real thing, but he likes it. When we arrived, Liam was raring to go, and I let him jump Sveta while I went to give Kevin his present. He was in his room watching porn, rocking the Fleshlight up and down his cock, enjoying himself. But he was excited about the plugs, and he wanted me to help him try them out.
He got on hands and knees and let me lube up his ass and the smallest plug, then he took that plug like a champ. Didn't squirm or anything, just relaxed and let it pop in. He liked the feeling a lot, didn't hurt him at all. I told him that he still should work on this size for a bit before he tried the middle one, and he said okay.
"You want me to suck you off with a plug in your ass?" I asked, simply to be friendly.
"No, the Fleshlight is nice," he said. Then he looked awkward. "I mean, your mouth is nice too..."
"Honey, I'm a girl, you're not into girls, and that Fleshligh's ass is nice and tight," I said, grinning. "Want to come show everyone your present?"
So we went out and found Liam still deep in Sveta, her eyes practically rolled back into her head she was enjoying herself so much. Kate said she would help Kevin with his toys if he ever wanted, and he said he probably would. And then he went back to his room to finish off with the plug in his ass. Came back a few minutes later and gave me a big hug and said it felt amazing to cum with something in his butt. I heartily agreed.
Liam finally came, which was as good a time as any to give him his own set of plugs. Kate definitely wanted to help with that, so Sveta and I got to watch as mother and son enjoyed a bit of exploration. Liam took the little plug just as easily as his brother had, and said, "Wow, that makes me hard."
"Get over there and thank Lexi," said Kate, slapping him on the butt playfully. The toy did indeed make him hard. He had just cum, and already he was raring to go again. I pity Kate's poor pussy with Liam having discovered a cheat code.
I leaned over the couch, lifting my ass in the air, and Liam was inside me and thrusting away. And then I said, "Why don't you two ladies really give him a workout?"
Sveta knew exactly what I was talking about, and pretty soon she was fucking Liam's ass with the plug while he fucked my pussy. He didn't last as long as he expected, what with the new sensations and all, but once he'd cum in my pussy (a small load, but that's to be expected) he moved down and ate me out until I came, while still being fucked with the toy, although his mom took over from Sveta shortly after Liam came.
And then Liam said, "Hey Kevin, want to try?"
Kevin looked a little startled, then said, "What, playing with your butt with the toy?"
"Yeah, if you want. Or..."
"Or what?"
"You like guys, right? So I'd let you, you know, put your cock in my butt if you wanted."
I felt it necessary to butt in at that point (pun unintended but how else am I going to say it). "Guys, we're all sexed up, we're not thinking clearly, maybe this is a decision for another time?"
"It's not fair, that's all," said Liam. "I get all kinds of sex and Kevin has to jerk off in his room. And I think I'd like to feel something in there. I liked what you were doing with the toy."
"Kevin, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do," put in his mom, sensibly I think.
"You really want me to have sex with you?" asked Kevin.
"Yeah. I mean, before all this, it would have been weird, right, but now, I mean, Mom and I do it, so why not?"
"I just... I really wanted to find a boy of my own, you know, like you've got Mom."
"I can be your boy," laughed Liam. "I don't mind."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah bro. You wouldn't believe how good it feels when they push it in and out."
"That toy's a lot smaller than his cock is," I warned. But really, I was pretty sure Liam could take his brother easily. Kevin's cock isn't tiny, but it's not huge either. A nice starter cock for anal, I'd say. And I wasn't going to let anyone get hurt.
"The toy's tiny," Liam said. "I can take more."
"Liam, Kevin, you're sure you want to do this?" asked Kate, concerned. I'm not sure why exactly she was concerned. Not that I wasn't concerned too, but I don't know what concerned Kate in particular. Who knows, maybe she's worried that the boys are going to leave her out of it. I doubt that very much; Liam likes pussy too much.
"Yeah, I want to, if Kevin does," said Liam.
"Okay. I mean, I've never done it before."
"Go slow and we'll help," said Sveta. She looked like she really wanted to egg them on; she said later that she'd wanted to get them to fuck ever since the first time she'd learned about the situation. Fortunately, while she may have a dirty mind, she's tactful.
In the end, Sveta and I were more bystanders than anything else; Kate was the one who was doing all the helping. Kevin came over, and he may have been nervous but it didn't keep him from getting hard with anticipation. Liam lubed his brother's cock up. No oral just yet; I think they were both interested in the main event more than foreplay. And then Kate lubed up Liam's asshole, and helped Kevin aim a little, and then we got to see brother on brother action.
It was slow at first, with plenty of checking to make sure everything was okay. When Kevin's cockhead popped into Liam's ass, Liam grunted and Kevin pulled out again, but Liam said he was fine, so the penetration went on, until Kevin had his whole cock in his brother's ass. "This is way better than a Fleshlight," he said, clearly enjoying himself.
Liam was rock hard too, and he took Kevin's thrusts, grunting a little but staying still. Kate grinned at us. "I never, ever thought any of this would happen last year," she said, almost to herself. Then she grinned. "Liam baby, want Mommy to suck your cock while your brother fucks you?"
He nodded, and she got down there and took his hard-on in her mouth, and a few seconds later, he groaned and came. Kevin was speeding up a little, in and out, almost the full way out before he pressed in again. "Oh wow," he said. "When Liam cums, his ass gets so tight. Wow, this feels amazing."
"Better than a Fleshlight?" Liam asked.
"Way better. Thanks Liam! Um... I'm gonna cum, is that okay?"
"Yeah!"
And Kevin pressed in again and then gasped.
"I can feel it in my butt," said Liam, sounding amazed. "Is this how it feels when I cum in your butt?" I wasn't sure who he was asking.
Sveta whispered to me, "Do you think I could eat the cum out of his ass?"
"Not sure that's a great idea," I said. "It's probably a little dirty."
I wasn't wrong; Kevin's cock was dirty, and he and Liam went off to the bathroom to clean up a little. It's not surprising; I don't think the boys did any hygiene beforehand because I don't know that they were expecting this. Anal can get messy, even if you do clean up beforehand. Thinking back on it, I should have suggested a condom. But then Liam wouldn't have gotten internal, so whatever. He had to use the bathroom after; classic newbie anal response, actually.
There was discussion of whether Kevin would like Liam to fuck his ass, but it was decided that Liam's cock was maybe a bit much to take without some practice. But Liam was totally on board with using the toy on Kevin, so the brothers spent some time on that. Sveta and Kate were fucking by this point. I think Sveta likes being with someone who cums easily. Made me feel slightly guilty. But hey, I got to watch Liam sucking his brother's cock while my girl ate out their mother like a champ, so I wasn't feeling too bad.
Liam got a load in his mouth, which he enjoyed just as much as I suspected he would, and then Kevin, without fanfare, started sucking Liam's cock. I went over and gave him a few pointers, then we worked over Liam together, Kevin on the cock, me all over Liam's body. Eventually, Liam was eating me out while I played with his nipples, and Kevin sucked a load of cream up without asking what to do. Sveta was moaning as Kate drove her over the edge, and it was just a happily orgasmic moment for everyone. I even managed a small O shortly after.
It devolved shortly after that into Kevin fucking Liam's ass again, more forcefully this time, and if there's anything sexier than a teen grunting while his brother slides his cock in and out of his ass, it's probably only something similarly naughty. Kate, Sveta, and I were a little worn out at this point, so we chatted while the floor show was going on.
"Are you worried they'll be too into each other to make time for you?" I asked Kate.
"Frankly, I'm just relieved," she said, looking blissed out. "I wasn't sure what to do about Kevin. And Liam's insatiable, you know that. So if he's spending some time with his brother, my pussy will get a chance to recover." I think she's lying a little to herself, but I don't have kids, so I don't know. It seems like Liam's the favorite though. I hope there's no jealousy.
"Hey Mom, my cock is really needing to cum," said Liam. Cheeky devil.
"Sveta, why don't you finish him off?" Kate suggested. "I want to see a sandwich."
"Me too," I said, because I'm also cheeky. Sveta grinned.
Liam tried to maneuver so that he would mount Sveta without his brother's cock slipping out of his ass, but there was a lot of giggling and finally they settled for Liam getting inside Sveta, then Kevin coming up behind him and getting back inside him. I couldn't see real action from where I was sitting, but I was too lazy to get up and actually get to see cocks and pussies and asses, so I just enjoyed watching the melee. Liam came first, then he just lay on Sveta's body while Kevin finished up. Then everyone cleaned up without much ado; if it were porn, someone would have licked up the cream, but life isn't porn and everyone was pretty tired. It had been a pretty intense afternoon.
We had dinner, but there really wasn't much sexy energy left in the group.
We'll see how this plays out. I hope well. If nothing else, there's going to be a lot of sex happening at Kate's house for the foreseeable future. Not that there wasn't a lot before, but with two horny teens instead of one...
Friday, December 30, 2016
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
TMI Tuesday
From ye olde vaultes:
1. Close your eyes and think about having sex with your lover. Now, what was the first image that came to your mind? Was it foreplay? What kind of sex? What position? Where?
I'm going for Sveta because if I have to do this exercise for all my lovers we'll be here forever and it'll get boring because for a lot of them I'm thinking of cocks. Nothing but cocks.
I think my first thought when thinking about sex with Sveta is making her cum. It really is an experience I love repeating, over and over, as often as I can. She makes cute noises and faces, although I don't see her face as often when she cums because I'm between her legs. But the gushing. Oh the gushing. She doesn't squirt like you see in porn. She wells up with juices. Sometimes it squirts, sure, but it's really a process, not a momentary explosion. She just gets wetter and wetter until it gushes out of her pussy. I never get tired of it.
That's not to say that that's the only thing I think about, just the first thing. She's cute and sexy as hell and I would just watch her naked if that was all I got to do. Her body makes my knees weak and she knows it. Little minx.
2. What is that most memorable thing that you or your partner said immediately after sex?
Maybe, "I love you, Daddy," after my first time? Or are we still talking about Sveta? Because if so, we don't usually talk all that much immediately after sex. Just bask in the afterglow.
3. Whether reward or punishment, a part of your body must be shown on a huge billboard in the heart of your city/town. Which body part will you select to be 14 feet tall by 48 feet wide (4.27 meters x 14.63 meters)?
The specifics of size here are interesting. As if I'd answer differently if the billboard were only 13 feet by 47 feet or something.
Am I being identified? Or is it just going to be a random shot of my left foot or something? And why? I'm confused. If it's going to be identified as me, I can't think of too many ways it would be a reward, so I'd probably pick some innocuous part of my body and make people wonder why my elbow is writ large across the sky of my town, or something like that. I don't know.
If I'm not going to be identified, it might be a reward to put a giant picture of my cunt up across from a Southern Baptist church or something, but other than that I can't see the point either. If you want to punish me, take a picture of some flabby part of me and put it up in lights, I guess.
I'm picking left foot. My feet aren't unattractive, but they're not identifiable either, and I honestly don't care if people see them. I guess as a piece of absurdist art I'd be down with it. Hell, as a piece of absurdist art I'd be down with any part of my body, particularly if it weren't identified as my body. I'm shy, sure, but hey, the giant cunt billboard might be a tourist draw, and my town could use it. As long as no one shows up at my house asking for a closer look. I'm not that easy.
4. You are about to lose your power of speech, what’s the one thing you would want to tell someone before that happens?
I would probably waste it telling Sveta or my parents or my siblings that I love them one last time. And then I'd realize I'd wasted it because I can still write and type and they already know I love them. But it would probably be worth saying anyway because I do. Love isn't a waste, even if you tell someone you love them every day, every minute.
But again, I can still write and type in this scenario, so I'm not sure it's that big a deal. I'm being flip about it, but hypothetically I don't see how it would affect me that much. I'd just learn sign language or something and go about my day. I'm not saying it wouldn't be a pain in the ass not to be able to speak, but what good is one last thing going to do?
Unless it's the disarm codes for the missiles, in which case I'd probably tell someone those.
5. You are stricken with a disorder that causes you to blurt out a single phrase every time you orgasm? What is that phrase?
Oh, this is a fun one. "I'm cumming!" Yeah, I've never met anyone with that disorder. No matter how old it eventually gets to say it every time in exactly the same way. People, be original in your orgasmic announcements, please.
Okay, I need to torture myself and pick something horrible. "Seacrest out!" Yeah, that's a timely reference. How about, "My nipples explode with delight!" Or, to go further down that rabbit hole, "My hovercraft is full of eels!"
Bonus: If you had to make out with a friend (same sex or opposite sex) to save the world from mass destruction, whom would you pick?
This artificial division between "friends" and "those with whom one is romantic" is ridiculous. I'm not saying you have to fuck all your friends, or that you have to make friends with all your lovers, but if you have a lover who's more than a fling, you should probably be friends with them. That's the problem with "the friend zone." It's not a thing. What she means, guys, when she puts you in "the friend zone," is that she doesn't want to have sex with you. It's not because you're friends. It's because she doesn't want to have sex with you. Sure, because of our social baggage about it, part of the reason she doesn't want to have sex with you may be because she doesn't want to ruin the friendship, but it's just as likely that she doesn't see you that way. Or maybe you never made it clear that you were looking for something more than Platonic friendship.
When we believe that we can't be friends with people we fuck, we devalue both friendship and fucking. Friendship becomes a thing you can't mix with romance, and thus you only fuck people you aren't going to be friends with later. Let's just guess how well that usually turns out. If you're looking for a long-term romantic partner, you should also be looking for a friend. The two categories don't have to overlap, but they're also not mutually exclusive.
But I guess we're asking about my friends who aren't lovers. I do have plenty of them. I know it doesn't seem like it, but this blog isn't about my friends, it's mostly about my love life. So of my platonic friends, with whom would I make out to save the world? Whoever happened to be closest at the time. Come on, we're talking fate-of-the-world stuff. I'd make out with a complete stranger to save the world. I'd make out with my worst enemy to save the world. Knowing my friends, many of them would do the same. So if the aliens come and demand that I make out with one of my friends or they'll blow up Earth, I'm going to be making out with anyone within kissing distance.
This is making out, people. If it's fate-of-the-world time, it doesn't mean anything to make out with anyone. Why do we get so bent out of shape about this? I would make out with a random stranger who smelled bad to save one child's life, let alone the whole planet. I would let them take pictures and post them all over the Internet. I'm not proud. This is like making the classic Trolley Problem, "You're on a trolley with every human being on the planet and you're about to go over a cliff, but you can pick your nose to save everyone." Come on. It's not rocket science.
1. Close your eyes and think about having sex with your lover. Now, what was the first image that came to your mind? Was it foreplay? What kind of sex? What position? Where?
I'm going for Sveta because if I have to do this exercise for all my lovers we'll be here forever and it'll get boring because for a lot of them I'm thinking of cocks. Nothing but cocks.
I think my first thought when thinking about sex with Sveta is making her cum. It really is an experience I love repeating, over and over, as often as I can. She makes cute noises and faces, although I don't see her face as often when she cums because I'm between her legs. But the gushing. Oh the gushing. She doesn't squirt like you see in porn. She wells up with juices. Sometimes it squirts, sure, but it's really a process, not a momentary explosion. She just gets wetter and wetter until it gushes out of her pussy. I never get tired of it.
That's not to say that that's the only thing I think about, just the first thing. She's cute and sexy as hell and I would just watch her naked if that was all I got to do. Her body makes my knees weak and she knows it. Little minx.
2. What is that most memorable thing that you or your partner said immediately after sex?
Maybe, "I love you, Daddy," after my first time? Or are we still talking about Sveta? Because if so, we don't usually talk all that much immediately after sex. Just bask in the afterglow.
3. Whether reward or punishment, a part of your body must be shown on a huge billboard in the heart of your city/town. Which body part will you select to be 14 feet tall by 48 feet wide (4.27 meters x 14.63 meters)?
The specifics of size here are interesting. As if I'd answer differently if the billboard were only 13 feet by 47 feet or something.
Am I being identified? Or is it just going to be a random shot of my left foot or something? And why? I'm confused. If it's going to be identified as me, I can't think of too many ways it would be a reward, so I'd probably pick some innocuous part of my body and make people wonder why my elbow is writ large across the sky of my town, or something like that. I don't know.
If I'm not going to be identified, it might be a reward to put a giant picture of my cunt up across from a Southern Baptist church or something, but other than that I can't see the point either. If you want to punish me, take a picture of some flabby part of me and put it up in lights, I guess.
I'm picking left foot. My feet aren't unattractive, but they're not identifiable either, and I honestly don't care if people see them. I guess as a piece of absurdist art I'd be down with it. Hell, as a piece of absurdist art I'd be down with any part of my body, particularly if it weren't identified as my body. I'm shy, sure, but hey, the giant cunt billboard might be a tourist draw, and my town could use it. As long as no one shows up at my house asking for a closer look. I'm not that easy.
4. You are about to lose your power of speech, what’s the one thing you would want to tell someone before that happens?
I would probably waste it telling Sveta or my parents or my siblings that I love them one last time. And then I'd realize I'd wasted it because I can still write and type and they already know I love them. But it would probably be worth saying anyway because I do. Love isn't a waste, even if you tell someone you love them every day, every minute.
But again, I can still write and type in this scenario, so I'm not sure it's that big a deal. I'm being flip about it, but hypothetically I don't see how it would affect me that much. I'd just learn sign language or something and go about my day. I'm not saying it wouldn't be a pain in the ass not to be able to speak, but what good is one last thing going to do?
Unless it's the disarm codes for the missiles, in which case I'd probably tell someone those.
5. You are stricken with a disorder that causes you to blurt out a single phrase every time you orgasm? What is that phrase?
Oh, this is a fun one. "I'm cumming!" Yeah, I've never met anyone with that disorder. No matter how old it eventually gets to say it every time in exactly the same way. People, be original in your orgasmic announcements, please.
Okay, I need to torture myself and pick something horrible. "Seacrest out!" Yeah, that's a timely reference. How about, "My nipples explode with delight!" Or, to go further down that rabbit hole, "My hovercraft is full of eels!"
Bonus: If you had to make out with a friend (same sex or opposite sex) to save the world from mass destruction, whom would you pick?
This artificial division between "friends" and "those with whom one is romantic" is ridiculous. I'm not saying you have to fuck all your friends, or that you have to make friends with all your lovers, but if you have a lover who's more than a fling, you should probably be friends with them. That's the problem with "the friend zone." It's not a thing. What she means, guys, when she puts you in "the friend zone," is that she doesn't want to have sex with you. It's not because you're friends. It's because she doesn't want to have sex with you. Sure, because of our social baggage about it, part of the reason she doesn't want to have sex with you may be because she doesn't want to ruin the friendship, but it's just as likely that she doesn't see you that way. Or maybe you never made it clear that you were looking for something more than Platonic friendship.
When we believe that we can't be friends with people we fuck, we devalue both friendship and fucking. Friendship becomes a thing you can't mix with romance, and thus you only fuck people you aren't going to be friends with later. Let's just guess how well that usually turns out. If you're looking for a long-term romantic partner, you should also be looking for a friend. The two categories don't have to overlap, but they're also not mutually exclusive.
But I guess we're asking about my friends who aren't lovers. I do have plenty of them. I know it doesn't seem like it, but this blog isn't about my friends, it's mostly about my love life. So of my platonic friends, with whom would I make out to save the world? Whoever happened to be closest at the time. Come on, we're talking fate-of-the-world stuff. I'd make out with a complete stranger to save the world. I'd make out with my worst enemy to save the world. Knowing my friends, many of them would do the same. So if the aliens come and demand that I make out with one of my friends or they'll blow up Earth, I'm going to be making out with anyone within kissing distance.
This is making out, people. If it's fate-of-the-world time, it doesn't mean anything to make out with anyone. Why do we get so bent out of shape about this? I would make out with a random stranger who smelled bad to save one child's life, let alone the whole planet. I would let them take pictures and post them all over the Internet. I'm not proud. This is like making the classic Trolley Problem, "You're on a trolley with every human being on the planet and you're about to go over a cliff, but you can pick your nose to save everyone." Come on. It's not rocket science.
Saturday, December 24, 2016
TMI Christmas Eve
From the vaults, specially pulled out for this festive occasion. I'm scheduling this in advance, so who knows, it might be a Christmas bonus.
1. Which religion or faith do you belong to, if any?
I'm a bit Christian, I guess. My family is a mish-mosh of various Christian stuff, from my dad being pretty traditionally Christian in upbringing to my mom's upbringing being almost Fundie (but they were terrible people, so I hesitate to tar Christianity with their membership). We went to church a few times. I went to Catholic school even though we weren't Catholic (it was the best school in the area I could go to, since the public schools were pretty much universally awful).
I guess I'm sort of a Christian who doesn't believe in the Resurrection. I think Jesus said some terrific things about love and faith which no one really listened to, and then he died. Pretty sad. I don't think he was God. I'm not sure if there is a God.
That said, I'm also a Discordian because Thud has entirely too many legionaries already. Hail Eris, who is totally fine with Christmas as long as I don't eat any hotdog buns.
2. What is your opinion of Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays?
I like holidays. I'm happy to be wished anything, from the generic to the specific, including holidays for religions I don't practice. If you want to wish me a joyous Eid, happy Hanukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Holi, or any other holiday (I can't think of the others, but that's no slight to them) , I will take that and be glad you thought I was worthy of being wished joy. I love Christmas, but Christmas isn't the only holiday. So I guess I think Happy Holidays is the best way to go if you don't know what holidays people celebrate. Getting butthurt about other people's holidays is ridiculous, and I think if you want to keep the Christ in Christmas you should remember that he was Jewish and had plenty to say on the subject of loving your neighbor as yourself.
3. How do you feel about holiday music on the radio?
I like Christmas music. Some of it. A lot of it is crappy, but I even like some of that. But I think it should wait for Advent, because starting to celebrate Christmas in August is a bit much. Give December to Christmas. Let Halloween and Thanksgiving breath a little.
4. When do you start decorating? Do you?
If I had my way, decorations would go up in December and then the Christmas tree goes up the night before Christmas and stays up until Valentines Day at the least. The latter is because I'm lazy. But when I was a kid, we always did the Christmas tree the night before, and the kids weren't allowed to see it until Christmas morning. I like that. It's festive. That said, if you are like Sveta and believe that Christmas decorations need to come down on Epiphany, then in order to get the maximum joy out of Christmas the decorations need to go up earlier, so I'm okay with that.
5. White lights or multi-colored?
White lights, in some circumstances, can be beautiful, but I definitely prefer multi-colored. And none of this "mostly blue" bullshit either. They should be warm and inviting. Lots of reds and yellows and oranges. Purples and greens and blues too, but not overpoweringly so. Which is why we still use standard lights even though I love LEDs for everything else. The LEDs are still all too blue in Christmas lights, although that's changing.
6. Gift cards, cash, or actually shopped for presents?
If the gift is something which I don't expect to receive, then I love gifts; if someone hands some extravagant gift I'd never in a million years think I deserved, that's awesome. If I'm just making a shopping list and getting what's on the list, then that's fine, but the joy really isn't there. Gift cards are basically dumb, but they do ensure that the money isn't spent on practical stuff. That said, I need money more than I need much of anything else, so cash is king.
I'm a big believer in little things as gifts complimenting cash though. Edibles (not that kind, although if someone wants to give me those I'll take them), little what-the-fuck gifts, that sort of thing. I just hate basically demanding gifts. If I make a list, then there's no surprises.
I also like everything I get to be wrapped in giant boxes, preferably with smaller wrapped boxes inside them, like a Russian nesting doll of joy. I've tried to get my parents to get on board with this, with varying degrees of success. I can't get them to put bricks in my packages to fool me into thinking they're heavier than they actually are though. Me, I want cheap stuff in fancy wrappings. You can put a $5 bill in a giant box and I'll happily open it.
The thought really does count. If it's something I didn't ask for (and I ask for so little these days) but it's something fun, I'll take it even if it was lying by the side of the road before you wrapped it up. It doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant. It can just be a little, "saw this and thought of you" gift. But I wish some of my relatives who shall remain nameless would stop buying me things I don't want or need. It's one thing to give me something I don't want or need which is cheap, but expensive things which I don't want or need are wasteful. I appreciate the thought, but I wish they'd think it more frugally and give the rest of the money to charity, even.
I will totally take gifts in my name to charities. I'm not saying this to you, my readers, but if you were wondering, that's what you should do. I'm not a cam-whore and I don't want you to get me things off an Amazon wishlist so I'll keep writing. Do your own thing. Make someone happy.
7. Christmas cards and/or family update letters?
No. I'm too lazy for Christmas cards, and family update letters are the Devil. "Look at our perfect family. This is Facebook in letter form. Aren't you jealous of us?" Stupid. It's the reason I hate Facebook too. At least with cards you sent it to me, and if you say anything in the card it's to me, not a general broadcast of how wonderful your life is. I like communication, not broadcasts.
That said, I will accept Christmas cards and enjoy them. Just don't expect to get one back. I'm terrible, but I've come to terms with this and moved on.
8. Fill in the blank: Snow is ______ .
Beautiful and lovely as long as I don't have to drive through it or shovel it. Given that I usually have to do both, I love snow but wish it would fall, look pretty, and then immediately melt away before I have to handle it.
9. Have you been a good little boy or girl this year?
Meh. I haven't been horrible. I could have been worse.
10. Favorite: old/traditional holiday movie? Contemporary (after 1975) holiday movie?
I can't categorize holiday movies that way. I love A Christmas Story and I don't care what you think about that. I love Christmas Vacation. My family watches Stalag 17 at the holidays. If you don't know what that is, look it up; it's totally a Christmas movie, right? How about Die Hard? That's another good Christmas movie. Other than that, I'll watch what's on. I don't love or hate most Christmas movies (although if I never see Miracle on 34th Street or any version of A Christmas Carol again, I could live with that quite easily)...
Except It's a Wonderful Life. Which is not a Christmas movie. And is terrible. The only reason you have fond memories of it is because someone let the copyright lapse and so TV stations could show it for free. It's a crap movie. I don't care that it's Capra, I don't care about Jimmy Stewart; it's a terrible movie with a terrible moral and it's not about Christmas, it's about New Years. Fuck It's a Wonderful Life. Fuck it and its "take up the white man's burden, George Bailey" bullshit.
If you hate me for this opinion, I'm not sorry.
Bonuses – Christmas sex:
Here we go, the fun part.
What have you done under the mistletoe?
I owned a pair of panties when I was younger which had mistletoe on them. It wasn't real, but it wasn't just a picture; it was a sprig of fake mistletoe. And I wore them to a Christmas party once and had a dozen people eat me out. Mostly guys, but several girls. Most of them just kissed my pussy and laughed, but one gal pulled aside the panties and went to town while several onlookers cheered her on. And a guy kissed and I thought he was going to be finished, but he came up and said, "Wouldn't you rather do something other than kissing under the mistletoe?" and I nodded, so we went and found a quiet spot and he fucked me, came, then ate me out until he was ready to go again and fucked me a second time. I must have cum ten times that night. It was amazing.
Other than that, I've kissed under the mistletoe (the kind hanging above heads, not on panties) which has lead to all kinds of fun things. I've laughed at a guy who was holding mistletoe over his crotch and then said, "Okay, fine, I guess tradition must be served," and sucked his cock. That was a much smaller gathering though.
Have you caught mommy/daddy kissing Santa Claus? What happened next?
I've seen Mom fucking Dad while he wore a Santa hat on so many occasions I can't even remember them all. Ditto Sheri. Ditto me. Dad likes to fuck on Christmas wearing a Santa hat. What can I say?
Have you had sex in Santa suit?
I've never worn one. I was a slutty elf for a Christmas party once, but I borrowed that costume, and actually wound up not getting lucky at all while wearing it.
Have you had sex with Santa?
Not counting Dad, no.
Just how merry have you made Santa’s helpers?
I was backstage for a Christmas concert and wound up having sex with both elves, though not during the performance (I previously said something here which read like I was saying I didn't have them both at the same time, which isn't true, obviously, if you read on; I meant that I didn't have sex with them at the same time as the show. But then I also put in an "afterward" which made that plain, so I'm not sure what I was thinking. I have corrected my poor writing). I got to know one of them, Dale; he and I flirted before the show but not seriously. But he came offstage and whispered to me, "I've got a candy cane if you'd like to suck it," which I think was more flirting than anything else.
I said, "I'll do more than suck it," and grabbed his crotch. He looked at me for a moment, saw I was serious, and said, "Actually, Manny and I were going to go for drinks afterward, if you'd like to join us..." Manny was the other elf. Neither of them were little people, by the way, if that's your fetish. I didn't say anything like, "Actually, I'm not legally able to drink," because hey, why dampen the mood? Manny wasn't bad to look at, and neither was Dale, and I figured we'd go for drinks and then Dale and I would peel off or something.
But we wound up going back to Dale's place, when I said, "Sure, we can have drinks at your place because that will be easier." And then Dale asked, "So how are you with sharing guys?"
Oh boy! Christmas presents! They took turns with me, while plying me with more alcohol than I was ready for, and it became a drunken fuckfest. I honestly don't remember a lot of the evening. I called home, drunk, and told my mom I was spending the night with friends. She totally didn't buy it, but Mom is easier with that sort of thing than my dad, who would have been worried. She just said, "Have a good time," and that was that.
No DP, although there was a little anal toward the end of the evening. I spent a lot of time sitting in a lap with a cock down my throat. Dale actually wore out more quickly, but Manny was in it for the long haul, and long it was. I remember condoms at the beginning of the evening, but once Dale excused himself and went to bed, Manny and I were so drunk that condoms stopped being a thing we were thinking about, and that's when the anal started happening, and if he didn't cum at least three times that evening I'd be very surprised. Dale managed two, and he didn't last as long as Manny, who could fuck for what seemed like hours, slow and steady. I got Dale on my tongue and on my tits, and Manny on my tongue once and then inside me in both ass and pussy at least once.
I woke up naked on the couch next to Manny, who was out cold, and was gathering myself together and wondering how I was going to get home since I hadn't taken my car. Dale came out and invited me into the bedroom, if I wanted to sleep a little more, but he didn't want to sleep, and we slowly fucked spooning until he pulled out and came down my back, then he left me mostly asleep. I woke up again later, Manny was gone, and Dale drove me back to get my car, gave me a kiss, and asked for my number. I gave it to him, but really I wished I could have had more of Manny, because he was dynamite. And then we never spoke again. I saw Dale once or twice, but it was just in passing, and he never called. Maybe he found out how old I was.
1. Which religion or faith do you belong to, if any?
I'm a bit Christian, I guess. My family is a mish-mosh of various Christian stuff, from my dad being pretty traditionally Christian in upbringing to my mom's upbringing being almost Fundie (but they were terrible people, so I hesitate to tar Christianity with their membership). We went to church a few times. I went to Catholic school even though we weren't Catholic (it was the best school in the area I could go to, since the public schools were pretty much universally awful).
I guess I'm sort of a Christian who doesn't believe in the Resurrection. I think Jesus said some terrific things about love and faith which no one really listened to, and then he died. Pretty sad. I don't think he was God. I'm not sure if there is a God.
That said, I'm also a Discordian because Thud has entirely too many legionaries already. Hail Eris, who is totally fine with Christmas as long as I don't eat any hotdog buns.
2. What is your opinion of Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays?
I like holidays. I'm happy to be wished anything, from the generic to the specific, including holidays for religions I don't practice. If you want to wish me a joyous Eid, happy Hanukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Holi, or any other holiday (I can't think of the others, but that's no slight to them) , I will take that and be glad you thought I was worthy of being wished joy. I love Christmas, but Christmas isn't the only holiday. So I guess I think Happy Holidays is the best way to go if you don't know what holidays people celebrate. Getting butthurt about other people's holidays is ridiculous, and I think if you want to keep the Christ in Christmas you should remember that he was Jewish and had plenty to say on the subject of loving your neighbor as yourself.
3. How do you feel about holiday music on the radio?
I like Christmas music. Some of it. A lot of it is crappy, but I even like some of that. But I think it should wait for Advent, because starting to celebrate Christmas in August is a bit much. Give December to Christmas. Let Halloween and Thanksgiving breath a little.
4. When do you start decorating? Do you?
If I had my way, decorations would go up in December and then the Christmas tree goes up the night before Christmas and stays up until Valentines Day at the least. The latter is because I'm lazy. But when I was a kid, we always did the Christmas tree the night before, and the kids weren't allowed to see it until Christmas morning. I like that. It's festive. That said, if you are like Sveta and believe that Christmas decorations need to come down on Epiphany, then in order to get the maximum joy out of Christmas the decorations need to go up earlier, so I'm okay with that.
5. White lights or multi-colored?
White lights, in some circumstances, can be beautiful, but I definitely prefer multi-colored. And none of this "mostly blue" bullshit either. They should be warm and inviting. Lots of reds and yellows and oranges. Purples and greens and blues too, but not overpoweringly so. Which is why we still use standard lights even though I love LEDs for everything else. The LEDs are still all too blue in Christmas lights, although that's changing.
6. Gift cards, cash, or actually shopped for presents?
If the gift is something which I don't expect to receive, then I love gifts; if someone hands some extravagant gift I'd never in a million years think I deserved, that's awesome. If I'm just making a shopping list and getting what's on the list, then that's fine, but the joy really isn't there. Gift cards are basically dumb, but they do ensure that the money isn't spent on practical stuff. That said, I need money more than I need much of anything else, so cash is king.
I'm a big believer in little things as gifts complimenting cash though. Edibles (not that kind, although if someone wants to give me those I'll take them), little what-the-fuck gifts, that sort of thing. I just hate basically demanding gifts. If I make a list, then there's no surprises.
I also like everything I get to be wrapped in giant boxes, preferably with smaller wrapped boxes inside them, like a Russian nesting doll of joy. I've tried to get my parents to get on board with this, with varying degrees of success. I can't get them to put bricks in my packages to fool me into thinking they're heavier than they actually are though. Me, I want cheap stuff in fancy wrappings. You can put a $5 bill in a giant box and I'll happily open it.
The thought really does count. If it's something I didn't ask for (and I ask for so little these days) but it's something fun, I'll take it even if it was lying by the side of the road before you wrapped it up. It doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant. It can just be a little, "saw this and thought of you" gift. But I wish some of my relatives who shall remain nameless would stop buying me things I don't want or need. It's one thing to give me something I don't want or need which is cheap, but expensive things which I don't want or need are wasteful. I appreciate the thought, but I wish they'd think it more frugally and give the rest of the money to charity, even.
I will totally take gifts in my name to charities. I'm not saying this to you, my readers, but if you were wondering, that's what you should do. I'm not a cam-whore and I don't want you to get me things off an Amazon wishlist so I'll keep writing. Do your own thing. Make someone happy.
7. Christmas cards and/or family update letters?
No. I'm too lazy for Christmas cards, and family update letters are the Devil. "Look at our perfect family. This is Facebook in letter form. Aren't you jealous of us?" Stupid. It's the reason I hate Facebook too. At least with cards you sent it to me, and if you say anything in the card it's to me, not a general broadcast of how wonderful your life is. I like communication, not broadcasts.
That said, I will accept Christmas cards and enjoy them. Just don't expect to get one back. I'm terrible, but I've come to terms with this and moved on.
8. Fill in the blank: Snow is ______ .
Beautiful and lovely as long as I don't have to drive through it or shovel it. Given that I usually have to do both, I love snow but wish it would fall, look pretty, and then immediately melt away before I have to handle it.
9. Have you been a good little boy or girl this year?
Meh. I haven't been horrible. I could have been worse.
10. Favorite: old/traditional holiday movie? Contemporary (after 1975) holiday movie?
I can't categorize holiday movies that way. I love A Christmas Story and I don't care what you think about that. I love Christmas Vacation. My family watches Stalag 17 at the holidays. If you don't know what that is, look it up; it's totally a Christmas movie, right? How about Die Hard? That's another good Christmas movie. Other than that, I'll watch what's on. I don't love or hate most Christmas movies (although if I never see Miracle on 34th Street or any version of A Christmas Carol again, I could live with that quite easily)...
Except It's a Wonderful Life. Which is not a Christmas movie. And is terrible. The only reason you have fond memories of it is because someone let the copyright lapse and so TV stations could show it for free. It's a crap movie. I don't care that it's Capra, I don't care about Jimmy Stewart; it's a terrible movie with a terrible moral and it's not about Christmas, it's about New Years. Fuck It's a Wonderful Life. Fuck it and its "take up the white man's burden, George Bailey" bullshit.
If you hate me for this opinion, I'm not sorry.
Bonuses – Christmas sex:
Here we go, the fun part.
What have you done under the mistletoe?
I owned a pair of panties when I was younger which had mistletoe on them. It wasn't real, but it wasn't just a picture; it was a sprig of fake mistletoe. And I wore them to a Christmas party once and had a dozen people eat me out. Mostly guys, but several girls. Most of them just kissed my pussy and laughed, but one gal pulled aside the panties and went to town while several onlookers cheered her on. And a guy kissed and I thought he was going to be finished, but he came up and said, "Wouldn't you rather do something other than kissing under the mistletoe?" and I nodded, so we went and found a quiet spot and he fucked me, came, then ate me out until he was ready to go again and fucked me a second time. I must have cum ten times that night. It was amazing.
Other than that, I've kissed under the mistletoe (the kind hanging above heads, not on panties) which has lead to all kinds of fun things. I've laughed at a guy who was holding mistletoe over his crotch and then said, "Okay, fine, I guess tradition must be served," and sucked his cock. That was a much smaller gathering though.
Have you caught mommy/daddy kissing Santa Claus? What happened next?
I've seen Mom fucking Dad while he wore a Santa hat on so many occasions I can't even remember them all. Ditto Sheri. Ditto me. Dad likes to fuck on Christmas wearing a Santa hat. What can I say?
Have you had sex in Santa suit?
I've never worn one. I was a slutty elf for a Christmas party once, but I borrowed that costume, and actually wound up not getting lucky at all while wearing it.
Have you had sex with Santa?
Not counting Dad, no.
Just how merry have you made Santa’s helpers?
I was backstage for a Christmas concert and wound up having sex with both elves, though not during the performance (I previously said something here which read like I was saying I didn't have them both at the same time, which isn't true, obviously, if you read on; I meant that I didn't have sex with them at the same time as the show. But then I also put in an "afterward" which made that plain, so I'm not sure what I was thinking. I have corrected my poor writing). I got to know one of them, Dale; he and I flirted before the show but not seriously. But he came offstage and whispered to me, "I've got a candy cane if you'd like to suck it," which I think was more flirting than anything else.
I said, "I'll do more than suck it," and grabbed his crotch. He looked at me for a moment, saw I was serious, and said, "Actually, Manny and I were going to go for drinks afterward, if you'd like to join us..." Manny was the other elf. Neither of them were little people, by the way, if that's your fetish. I didn't say anything like, "Actually, I'm not legally able to drink," because hey, why dampen the mood? Manny wasn't bad to look at, and neither was Dale, and I figured we'd go for drinks and then Dale and I would peel off or something.
But we wound up going back to Dale's place, when I said, "Sure, we can have drinks at your place because that will be easier." And then Dale asked, "So how are you with sharing guys?"
Oh boy! Christmas presents! They took turns with me, while plying me with more alcohol than I was ready for, and it became a drunken fuckfest. I honestly don't remember a lot of the evening. I called home, drunk, and told my mom I was spending the night with friends. She totally didn't buy it, but Mom is easier with that sort of thing than my dad, who would have been worried. She just said, "Have a good time," and that was that.
No DP, although there was a little anal toward the end of the evening. I spent a lot of time sitting in a lap with a cock down my throat. Dale actually wore out more quickly, but Manny was in it for the long haul, and long it was. I remember condoms at the beginning of the evening, but once Dale excused himself and went to bed, Manny and I were so drunk that condoms stopped being a thing we were thinking about, and that's when the anal started happening, and if he didn't cum at least three times that evening I'd be very surprised. Dale managed two, and he didn't last as long as Manny, who could fuck for what seemed like hours, slow and steady. I got Dale on my tongue and on my tits, and Manny on my tongue once and then inside me in both ass and pussy at least once.
I woke up naked on the couch next to Manny, who was out cold, and was gathering myself together and wondering how I was going to get home since I hadn't taken my car. Dale came out and invited me into the bedroom, if I wanted to sleep a little more, but he didn't want to sleep, and we slowly fucked spooning until he pulled out and came down my back, then he left me mostly asleep. I woke up again later, Manny was gone, and Dale drove me back to get my car, gave me a kiss, and asked for my number. I gave it to him, but really I wished I could have had more of Manny, because he was dynamite. And then we never spoke again. I saw Dale once or twice, but it was just in passing, and he never called. Maybe he found out how old I was.
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
TMI Tuesday Vehicular Edition
From the vaults:
1. What CD is in your Cd player?
I've been listening to podcasts while I drive of late, but the CDs in my car are probably either Public Enemy or Mike Doughty/Soul Coughing. I think I have Imogen Heap in there too. I have eclectic tastes.
2. Turn on your car radio, what station is it tuned to?
One of the local rock stations, probably. I listen to the radio rarely these days. Also, I know this one is from 2014, but people had iPods back then too. Do the kids even have CDs or radios any more?
3. What is in your glove box?
Papers. Probably a tire gauge. I honestly don't know everything that's in there. I never use it.
4. Are there any stickers on your bumper? What? (You can post photos too).
Nope. I don't care enough about cars to decorate them.
5. What stickers or car magnets are on your car? (You can post photos too).
See above.
6. When you drive do you have a favorite beverage? What?
I try not to drink anything but water these days, but if I'm treating myself, I'll go for good, very sweet, fresh-brewed iced tea, or lemonade. But I don't really have a favorite. I just buy non-carbonated and cheap.
7. What is the most unique thing about your car?
Unique isn't a thing which has a spectrum. It's either unique or it isn't. And I don't think there's much of anything about my car other than wear patterns and dents which is unique, when considering the vast universe of cars out there.
8. Have you modified or decorated or enhanced your steering wheel?
No. I don't like steering wheel covers. I like a very thin steering wheel so any bulk makes it feel bad to me. Other than that, what would I do? I'm honestly asking. I have no idea what people do to their steering wheels. It's a car, not a master bedroom.
9. If your normal mode of transportation is a bicycle or a motorcycle, what have you done to personalize it?
10. If your regular mode of transportation is public transport–bus or subway–what do you do to pass the time on your rides?
Bonus: What is the sexiest thing in your car?
It usually has condoms, lube, and a sex toy or two in it.
This one was boring. I don't know why I picked it. Sorry.
1. What CD is in your Cd player?
I've been listening to podcasts while I drive of late, but the CDs in my car are probably either Public Enemy or Mike Doughty/Soul Coughing. I think I have Imogen Heap in there too. I have eclectic tastes.
2. Turn on your car radio, what station is it tuned to?
One of the local rock stations, probably. I listen to the radio rarely these days. Also, I know this one is from 2014, but people had iPods back then too. Do the kids even have CDs or radios any more?
3. What is in your glove box?
Papers. Probably a tire gauge. I honestly don't know everything that's in there. I never use it.
4. Are there any stickers on your bumper? What? (You can post photos too).
Nope. I don't care enough about cars to decorate them.
5. What stickers or car magnets are on your car? (You can post photos too).
See above.
6. When you drive do you have a favorite beverage? What?
I try not to drink anything but water these days, but if I'm treating myself, I'll go for good, very sweet, fresh-brewed iced tea, or lemonade. But I don't really have a favorite. I just buy non-carbonated and cheap.
7. What is the most unique thing about your car?
Unique isn't a thing which has a spectrum. It's either unique or it isn't. And I don't think there's much of anything about my car other than wear patterns and dents which is unique, when considering the vast universe of cars out there.
8. Have you modified or decorated or enhanced your steering wheel?
No. I don't like steering wheel covers. I like a very thin steering wheel so any bulk makes it feel bad to me. Other than that, what would I do? I'm honestly asking. I have no idea what people do to their steering wheels. It's a car, not a master bedroom.
9. If your normal mode of transportation is a bicycle or a motorcycle, what have you done to personalize it?
10. If your regular mode of transportation is public transport–bus or subway–what do you do to pass the time on your rides?
Bonus: What is the sexiest thing in your car?
It usually has condoms, lube, and a sex toy or two in it.
This one was boring. I don't know why I picked it. Sorry.
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Music In My Soul
One of the perks of my job is that I don't just do theatre; I also get to watch over concerts. I think I mentioned this in the past. But it's nice because I get to hear music and not have to do a whole lot.
Sometimes, though, I wish I read music better than I do. For instance, last week (yes, I'm just getting to this because I'm busy busy busy) we had an orchestra come in to do a concert, and they wanted various cues to go with the music, and in lieu of a cue sheet they handed me a score with markings. I had to say, rather shame-facedly, "Sorry, I don't read music well enough to make this work." I can pick out notes, but hand me a full orchestral score and ask me to read it live and you might as well be asking me to read Sanskrit bomb-disposal instructions while a timer ticks down.
They were understanding and said they'd station someone with me to give me the cues. I figured, okay, no problem. For the rehearsal they sent up the stage manager, who I've met several times and is very nice, but who really has better things to be doing than babysitting me through the cues. I could tell she needed to be elsewhere, but we worked out most of the cues and figured out what needed to be called when. Still, to be safe, for the performance she said she would send an underling up.
So day of the performance dawns and up comes this cute little thing, probably just out of college. Definitely not the type I'd normally go for though. I like 'em slim, and she was on the heavy side. But she had a cute face and she was curvy. We got to chatting and it turned out she was a theatre geek from her highschool days, albeit that she was more a musician than an actor. It was a pleasant conversation, and she was pleasant to talk to largely because she was perky without being grating. Just cheerful. I guess I needed cheer.
We hit it off so well that we decided, over dinner break (because of course there were two shows, but I'm not complaining because hours are hours), to continue our conversation over food. I was in no way trying to seduce this girl, I wish it to be known. Like I said, not really my type and I wasn't really looking for anything anyway. Just a nice person to talk to. Reminded me a little bit of some people I haven't seen in a while.
We got our food, vacated the booth because we both agreed that we were on break and thus shouldn't be at work where we could be found and made to do things, and found an out-of-the-way spot (there are so many in the building) and ate and chatted. The conversation turned a little blue, nothing major, just some joking about sex and girlfriend-type talk. I confessed to being a switch-hitter and she admitted that she had dabbled in the Sapphic arts, and I'm not talking poetry.
Then she said, "So, plenty of time before we have to be back. Want to fuck?"
Just like that. Perky as ever, totally cheerful, completely innocent. Normally I'm the one being brash and forward.
"Really?" I couldn't quite believe it. It wasn't like it had come totally out of the blue, but it also wasn't like we'd been going down that road.
"You're hot, I'm horny, we've got a bit of time. You seem like you could use a little sex."
It was actually both refreshingly honest and at the same time amazing because she was saying it in the same tone of voice and with the same demeanor that she had been saying everything else. Like it was the most normal thing in the world. And while I get that from some people, it doesn't happen often.
I think she took my hesitation for something other than it was. "Oh, don't worry, I'm not clingy," she said. "And if you're not into it, that's okay."
I reassured her that that wasn't what I was thinking at all. "Do you do this often?" I asked.
"You mean fuck girls?"
"No, just fuck random people."
"You're not random. We've gotten to know each other." She laughed. "I guess I came on a little strong."
"I just wasn't expecting it."
"Sorry, I have problems with that sometimes. When you look like I do and you want sex as bad as I do, you learn some bad habits I guess."
I think she was thinking that sex was off. "No, I appreciate forwardness," I said. "And what do you mean, 'When you look like I do?' You're gorgeous." I was flattering her a little, but while she wasn't my type, I'm really not as picky as I sometimes seem. She was very attractive, just in a way I don't normally go for. But if it's being thrown in my lap like this, I certainly wasn't going to refuse.
She appreciated the flattery, even though I don't think she really believed me. Which is fair, because I wasn't being entirely up-front. Still, now that things were on the table, I totally wanted to fuck.
It wasn't tender. We kept a lot of clothes on, in case someone happened to stumble upon us. The building was pretty deserted, most people having gone for dinner, but it seemed wisest to be cautious. I wound up keeping pretty much everything in place because I was in my work clothes. She was in a skirt and button-up blouse, and all she had to do was unbutton and pull down her panties.
She was, as I said, a little on the heavy side, but it wasn't flab; she was just built bigger. Curves, so many curves. A little tummy, but her hips were soft and firm, her skin smooth to the touch. Her breasts were very nice, enormous, probably into the double letters, and once I got the bra down over them they didn't sag at all. Full breasts, warm and pliable to the touch, pink nipples of a proportionate size to her breasts, already hard before I even started sucking on them.
I didn't see her cunt at first, just kept suckling her nipples, which she was definitely enjoying, then moved my hand up the skirt. Her pussy was smooth as silk, no stubble, no bush, just puffy lips and a wet opening. I started on her clit a little too fast (bad habits of my own from my most recent lovers all being fairly clit heavy) and she gasped, "Oh, gentle." So I slipped my fingers into her, feeling the wetness ooze all around, and played it nice and gentle until she was breathing very heavy and I felt like I would like a better look at the goods.
She lay back, legs spread, and I pushed her skirt up around her waist, seeing the creamy thighs in passing as I dove into her snatch. She tasted lightly of cinnamon. No idea where that came from, but it wasn't unpleasant. Once I was licking, she let me pay a bit more attention to her clit and I eventually drove her over the edge, although I was still being incredibly gentle. She doesn't like it rough, that's for certain, and I had to restrain myself a bit. Not that I minded. She wasn't the easiest woman to get off I've ever been with by a long shot, but it also wasn't terribly difficult; I just had to figure out what buttons to push and then push them gently.
Her orgasm was worth it though; she tensed up on my fingers like a vice, let out two sharp gasps, and then melted. Very nice, very feminine, very explosive in a way I like an orgasm sometimes.
After I let her bask in the afterglow for a minute or two, she wanted to do the same for me, but by that point it seemed like we were getting closer to time and there was no way I was going to cum under pressure. "Hold that thought," I said when she went to take off my T-shirt.
"But you didn't get any."
"Are you free after the concert?"
She laughed. "I think I might be," she said.
So we cleaned up as best we could, although I think we still smelled a little of sex. No one mentioned it however, and we did the concert as normal. And then we lost track of each other in the hustle and bustle of breaking down the chairs and stands and so forth, and I honestly thought she'd gone home until she came up behind me and said, "So, here or somewhere else?"
Fortunately there was no one close enough to remark on this. Damn but she's forward. Still, she knew as well as I did that no one was listening. "Your choice. My place is a bit far." I didn't say anything about Sveta, although maybe I should have. But it was a bit far, and Sveta was probably already asleep at that point.
"So's my place, unfortunately."
"Well, I've got the keys, so I guess here it is. Meet me at our dinner spot in 10."
Load-out completed, we met up in our hidey hole. "Now, you take your clothes off and let me see that cute butt," she said. And I slipped into a bit of a submissive role. She's short, spunky, and authoritative. I'm down. Plus, she didn't keep her clothes on either, so it wasn't like I had to strip for her: we just both got naked.
Worth it. I'd seen parts but not the whole. I might revise my types a little, because she was gorgeous naked. I wanted to go down on her again, honestly, but she pushed me back firmly and started kissing every square inch of my body. When she got to my pussy, she was adequate. She's a dabbler, and it shows, but she knows how, just lacks practice.
I faked an orgasm. I'm terrible, but with my present circumstances, I sometimes have to, particularly when I don't want to go into my medical history and I don't want people to feel bad. It wasn't that she wasn't turning me on at all; she would have easily made me cum were I my old self. But she'd been at it for long enough and it just wasn't happening in the orgasm department, so I cut to the chase, so to speak, and let her feel like her hard work was appreciated.
All I really wanted to do was eat her out again because it had been plenty of fun the first time. But I forced myself to go slowly, to pay plenty of attention to her breasts, which are very sensitive but seem to accept a degree of roughness which her pussy doesn't. I went down on her, enjoying her pussy, and then thought to myself, "Why the hell not?" and started running a finger lower until I was toying with her asshole.
"Oh, you are a mind-reader," she said enthusiastically, and I wished I'd brought a toy. But instead I got a finger up her ass, gently working her clit with my tongue while gently stroking inside with two fingers. She wasn't tight, but I still had to be gentle. And feeling her cum with my finger in her pussy and ass was definitely fun; it was the same sensation, but multiplied by two. And this time I didn't let up, and she didn't stop me, so I was able to get her off again in short order.
And then we kissed, which was actually the first time we'd kissed. Like I said, it wasn't particularly tender.
She wanted to know if I wanted more, and I told her that I was pretty much done for the evening but that if she wanted more... and she laughed and said, "No, I think I'm going to have trouble walking as it is."
We kissed again before we left, like she'd decided that it was okay to kiss me for some strange reason, and then she said, "Well, until next time." And we left it at that.
Thing is, this particular orchestra is in the theater fairly regularly. I'm not going to push it, but if she comes looking for more, I'm definitely okay with that.
I'm still a little surprised, honestly. It didn't seem like it was going to happen like that at all. She seemed very innocent. Let me tell you, she is not. But the innocent appearance makes her even more attractive because I'm a sicko pervert. I might invite her to my house next time. I bet Sveta would wake up for that.
Sometimes, though, I wish I read music better than I do. For instance, last week (yes, I'm just getting to this because I'm busy busy busy) we had an orchestra come in to do a concert, and they wanted various cues to go with the music, and in lieu of a cue sheet they handed me a score with markings. I had to say, rather shame-facedly, "Sorry, I don't read music well enough to make this work." I can pick out notes, but hand me a full orchestral score and ask me to read it live and you might as well be asking me to read Sanskrit bomb-disposal instructions while a timer ticks down.
They were understanding and said they'd station someone with me to give me the cues. I figured, okay, no problem. For the rehearsal they sent up the stage manager, who I've met several times and is very nice, but who really has better things to be doing than babysitting me through the cues. I could tell she needed to be elsewhere, but we worked out most of the cues and figured out what needed to be called when. Still, to be safe, for the performance she said she would send an underling up.
So day of the performance dawns and up comes this cute little thing, probably just out of college. Definitely not the type I'd normally go for though. I like 'em slim, and she was on the heavy side. But she had a cute face and she was curvy. We got to chatting and it turned out she was a theatre geek from her highschool days, albeit that she was more a musician than an actor. It was a pleasant conversation, and she was pleasant to talk to largely because she was perky without being grating. Just cheerful. I guess I needed cheer.
We hit it off so well that we decided, over dinner break (because of course there were two shows, but I'm not complaining because hours are hours), to continue our conversation over food. I was in no way trying to seduce this girl, I wish it to be known. Like I said, not really my type and I wasn't really looking for anything anyway. Just a nice person to talk to. Reminded me a little bit of some people I haven't seen in a while.
We got our food, vacated the booth because we both agreed that we were on break and thus shouldn't be at work where we could be found and made to do things, and found an out-of-the-way spot (there are so many in the building) and ate and chatted. The conversation turned a little blue, nothing major, just some joking about sex and girlfriend-type talk. I confessed to being a switch-hitter and she admitted that she had dabbled in the Sapphic arts, and I'm not talking poetry.
Then she said, "So, plenty of time before we have to be back. Want to fuck?"
Just like that. Perky as ever, totally cheerful, completely innocent. Normally I'm the one being brash and forward.
"Really?" I couldn't quite believe it. It wasn't like it had come totally out of the blue, but it also wasn't like we'd been going down that road.
"You're hot, I'm horny, we've got a bit of time. You seem like you could use a little sex."
It was actually both refreshingly honest and at the same time amazing because she was saying it in the same tone of voice and with the same demeanor that she had been saying everything else. Like it was the most normal thing in the world. And while I get that from some people, it doesn't happen often.
I think she took my hesitation for something other than it was. "Oh, don't worry, I'm not clingy," she said. "And if you're not into it, that's okay."
I reassured her that that wasn't what I was thinking at all. "Do you do this often?" I asked.
"You mean fuck girls?"
"No, just fuck random people."
"You're not random. We've gotten to know each other." She laughed. "I guess I came on a little strong."
"I just wasn't expecting it."
"Sorry, I have problems with that sometimes. When you look like I do and you want sex as bad as I do, you learn some bad habits I guess."
I think she was thinking that sex was off. "No, I appreciate forwardness," I said. "And what do you mean, 'When you look like I do?' You're gorgeous." I was flattering her a little, but while she wasn't my type, I'm really not as picky as I sometimes seem. She was very attractive, just in a way I don't normally go for. But if it's being thrown in my lap like this, I certainly wasn't going to refuse.
She appreciated the flattery, even though I don't think she really believed me. Which is fair, because I wasn't being entirely up-front. Still, now that things were on the table, I totally wanted to fuck.
It wasn't tender. We kept a lot of clothes on, in case someone happened to stumble upon us. The building was pretty deserted, most people having gone for dinner, but it seemed wisest to be cautious. I wound up keeping pretty much everything in place because I was in my work clothes. She was in a skirt and button-up blouse, and all she had to do was unbutton and pull down her panties.
She was, as I said, a little on the heavy side, but it wasn't flab; she was just built bigger. Curves, so many curves. A little tummy, but her hips were soft and firm, her skin smooth to the touch. Her breasts were very nice, enormous, probably into the double letters, and once I got the bra down over them they didn't sag at all. Full breasts, warm and pliable to the touch, pink nipples of a proportionate size to her breasts, already hard before I even started sucking on them.
I didn't see her cunt at first, just kept suckling her nipples, which she was definitely enjoying, then moved my hand up the skirt. Her pussy was smooth as silk, no stubble, no bush, just puffy lips and a wet opening. I started on her clit a little too fast (bad habits of my own from my most recent lovers all being fairly clit heavy) and she gasped, "Oh, gentle." So I slipped my fingers into her, feeling the wetness ooze all around, and played it nice and gentle until she was breathing very heavy and I felt like I would like a better look at the goods.
She lay back, legs spread, and I pushed her skirt up around her waist, seeing the creamy thighs in passing as I dove into her snatch. She tasted lightly of cinnamon. No idea where that came from, but it wasn't unpleasant. Once I was licking, she let me pay a bit more attention to her clit and I eventually drove her over the edge, although I was still being incredibly gentle. She doesn't like it rough, that's for certain, and I had to restrain myself a bit. Not that I minded. She wasn't the easiest woman to get off I've ever been with by a long shot, but it also wasn't terribly difficult; I just had to figure out what buttons to push and then push them gently.
Her orgasm was worth it though; she tensed up on my fingers like a vice, let out two sharp gasps, and then melted. Very nice, very feminine, very explosive in a way I like an orgasm sometimes.
After I let her bask in the afterglow for a minute or two, she wanted to do the same for me, but by that point it seemed like we were getting closer to time and there was no way I was going to cum under pressure. "Hold that thought," I said when she went to take off my T-shirt.
"But you didn't get any."
"Are you free after the concert?"
She laughed. "I think I might be," she said.
So we cleaned up as best we could, although I think we still smelled a little of sex. No one mentioned it however, and we did the concert as normal. And then we lost track of each other in the hustle and bustle of breaking down the chairs and stands and so forth, and I honestly thought she'd gone home until she came up behind me and said, "So, here or somewhere else?"
Fortunately there was no one close enough to remark on this. Damn but she's forward. Still, she knew as well as I did that no one was listening. "Your choice. My place is a bit far." I didn't say anything about Sveta, although maybe I should have. But it was a bit far, and Sveta was probably already asleep at that point.
"So's my place, unfortunately."
"Well, I've got the keys, so I guess here it is. Meet me at our dinner spot in 10."
Load-out completed, we met up in our hidey hole. "Now, you take your clothes off and let me see that cute butt," she said. And I slipped into a bit of a submissive role. She's short, spunky, and authoritative. I'm down. Plus, she didn't keep her clothes on either, so it wasn't like I had to strip for her: we just both got naked.
Worth it. I'd seen parts but not the whole. I might revise my types a little, because she was gorgeous naked. I wanted to go down on her again, honestly, but she pushed me back firmly and started kissing every square inch of my body. When she got to my pussy, she was adequate. She's a dabbler, and it shows, but she knows how, just lacks practice.
I faked an orgasm. I'm terrible, but with my present circumstances, I sometimes have to, particularly when I don't want to go into my medical history and I don't want people to feel bad. It wasn't that she wasn't turning me on at all; she would have easily made me cum were I my old self. But she'd been at it for long enough and it just wasn't happening in the orgasm department, so I cut to the chase, so to speak, and let her feel like her hard work was appreciated.
All I really wanted to do was eat her out again because it had been plenty of fun the first time. But I forced myself to go slowly, to pay plenty of attention to her breasts, which are very sensitive but seem to accept a degree of roughness which her pussy doesn't. I went down on her, enjoying her pussy, and then thought to myself, "Why the hell not?" and started running a finger lower until I was toying with her asshole.
"Oh, you are a mind-reader," she said enthusiastically, and I wished I'd brought a toy. But instead I got a finger up her ass, gently working her clit with my tongue while gently stroking inside with two fingers. She wasn't tight, but I still had to be gentle. And feeling her cum with my finger in her pussy and ass was definitely fun; it was the same sensation, but multiplied by two. And this time I didn't let up, and she didn't stop me, so I was able to get her off again in short order.
And then we kissed, which was actually the first time we'd kissed. Like I said, it wasn't particularly tender.
She wanted to know if I wanted more, and I told her that I was pretty much done for the evening but that if she wanted more... and she laughed and said, "No, I think I'm going to have trouble walking as it is."
We kissed again before we left, like she'd decided that it was okay to kiss me for some strange reason, and then she said, "Well, until next time." And we left it at that.
Thing is, this particular orchestra is in the theater fairly regularly. I'm not going to push it, but if she comes looking for more, I'm definitely okay with that.
I'm still a little surprised, honestly. It didn't seem like it was going to happen like that at all. She seemed very innocent. Let me tell you, she is not. But the innocent appearance makes her even more attractive because I'm a sicko pervert. I might invite her to my house next time. I bet Sveta would wake up for that.
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
TMI Tuesday on Marriage
From the vaults:
1. Do you believe in marriage?
Absolutely. I think it's a wonderful thing, though not the only wonderful thing, nor is it necessary. It's a thing you can do, that you should be able to do.
2. Have you ever proposed marriage or been proposed to marry? What happened?
I've been proposed to several times. In almost all those cases (and let me be honest, we're taking two out of three) it resulted from a guy have no idea what the situation actually was. Those, I politely refused.
The other one I accepted. I don't talk about it much. It didn't work out. I've never been married, and the proposal as close as it got there.
3. What would be your dream way of proposing marriage?
If I were proposing, low-key but meaningful. I guess that goes for if I were the object of the proposal too.
4. What would be your nightmarish way of proposing marriage?
Putting me on the spot in public. It seems really romantic, but I don't think I'd enjoy it, even if I was going to accept or be accepted.
5. Mainstream society has engagement rings; in your opinion, what token should be given to signify engagement?
I think the ring is just fine. Go for a collar or nipple clamps if you want. Doesn't really matter to me. I am perfectly happy with rings. Although I do believe both partners should get engagement rings, regardless of gender.
6. Would you like to participate in an “open” marriage vs. a traditional monogamous marriage? Have you ever given it serious thought? Why or Why not?
That's the only way I'd do it now. There was a time when I thought I could learn to deal with monogamy if I loved the person enough, but that was a pipe dream.
Bonus: Tell us about someone you would have proposed to but never had the chance/opportunity.
I've never proposed to anyone, and up until now I've never wanted to. That's not to rule it out in future, but I've never been left holding that particular bag.
1. Do you believe in marriage?
Absolutely. I think it's a wonderful thing, though not the only wonderful thing, nor is it necessary. It's a thing you can do, that you should be able to do.
2. Have you ever proposed marriage or been proposed to marry? What happened?
I've been proposed to several times. In almost all those cases (and let me be honest, we're taking two out of three) it resulted from a guy have no idea what the situation actually was. Those, I politely refused.
The other one I accepted. I don't talk about it much. It didn't work out. I've never been married, and the proposal as close as it got there.
3. What would be your dream way of proposing marriage?
If I were proposing, low-key but meaningful. I guess that goes for if I were the object of the proposal too.
4. What would be your nightmarish way of proposing marriage?
Putting me on the spot in public. It seems really romantic, but I don't think I'd enjoy it, even if I was going to accept or be accepted.
5. Mainstream society has engagement rings; in your opinion, what token should be given to signify engagement?
I think the ring is just fine. Go for a collar or nipple clamps if you want. Doesn't really matter to me. I am perfectly happy with rings. Although I do believe both partners should get engagement rings, regardless of gender.
6. Would you like to participate in an “open” marriage vs. a traditional monogamous marriage? Have you ever given it serious thought? Why or Why not?
That's the only way I'd do it now. There was a time when I thought I could learn to deal with monogamy if I loved the person enough, but that was a pipe dream.
Bonus: Tell us about someone you would have proposed to but never had the chance/opportunity.
I've never proposed to anyone, and up until now I've never wanted to. That's not to rule it out in future, but I've never been left holding that particular bag.
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
TMI Tuesday
From the vaults comes another not terribly sexy one. You can end this by sending me questions.
1. What do you collect?
Books. I've cut back on them because even when I can afford them, we don't have space for them. So I've started collecting digital books. I basically collect data of all stripes. I catalog and hoard it, but it doesn't do anything but fill up my hard drive.
2. What do you do for fun?
Sex. Read. Watch things. I wish I did more creative things for fun. I guess I write this stuff for fun.
3. Name a place that’s fun for you to visit but you wouldn’t want to live there.
Most places I've visited have made me feel that way. I'm not much of a tourist, and most places where one goes to tourist are great to visit but not to live. And some places I've visited and lived and can't recommend either.
4. Do you believe in revenge?
No. I believe in justice.
If I were a Hollywood heroine, that line would be badass.
5. Do you believe in forgiveness and do you forgive and forget?
I think people make too much of forgive and forget. I think forgiveness is absolutely vital, but you shouldn't forget. If someone wrongs you, even if you should forgive them, that doesn't mean you pardon them. Forgiveness is for you. Their actions can still carry consequences.
For instance, a lot of people break up after one partner cheats because the other partner can't forgive them. But to me, you can totally forgive someone and still recognize that they cheated on you and you don't want to be with them. They should break up, but the hurt partner shouldn't hate the cheater. Forgiveness isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card. It's letting go of hate.
6. Are you religious? spiritual? Atheist?
I'm smart enough to know that I'll never know whether there's a God, but I like to hope there might be. At the same time, most days I'm pretty sure there isn't. I'm not atheist or agnostic. I'm not religious. Maybe spiritual?
But in the subject, did you know that God exists and Her name is Eris?
Little joke for the Legions of Thud.
Bonus: What’s your routine every night just before you go to sleep?
Lie down, try unsuccessfully to sleep for an hour, give up, get up, kill time, realize it's dawn, try to sleep again, possibly make it at some point when normal people are just getting up to go to work. Rinse, repeat.
1. What do you collect?
Books. I've cut back on them because even when I can afford them, we don't have space for them. So I've started collecting digital books. I basically collect data of all stripes. I catalog and hoard it, but it doesn't do anything but fill up my hard drive.
2. What do you do for fun?
Sex. Read. Watch things. I wish I did more creative things for fun. I guess I write this stuff for fun.
3. Name a place that’s fun for you to visit but you wouldn’t want to live there.
Most places I've visited have made me feel that way. I'm not much of a tourist, and most places where one goes to tourist are great to visit but not to live. And some places I've visited and lived and can't recommend either.
4. Do you believe in revenge?
No. I believe in justice.
If I were a Hollywood heroine, that line would be badass.
5. Do you believe in forgiveness and do you forgive and forget?
I think people make too much of forgive and forget. I think forgiveness is absolutely vital, but you shouldn't forget. If someone wrongs you, even if you should forgive them, that doesn't mean you pardon them. Forgiveness is for you. Their actions can still carry consequences.
For instance, a lot of people break up after one partner cheats because the other partner can't forgive them. But to me, you can totally forgive someone and still recognize that they cheated on you and you don't want to be with them. They should break up, but the hurt partner shouldn't hate the cheater. Forgiveness isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card. It's letting go of hate.
6. Are you religious? spiritual? Atheist?
I'm smart enough to know that I'll never know whether there's a God, but I like to hope there might be. At the same time, most days I'm pretty sure there isn't. I'm not atheist or agnostic. I'm not religious. Maybe spiritual?
But in the subject, did you know that God exists and Her name is Eris?
Little joke for the Legions of Thud.
Bonus: What’s your routine every night just before you go to sleep?
Lie down, try unsuccessfully to sleep for an hour, give up, get up, kill time, realize it's dawn, try to sleep again, possibly make it at some point when normal people are just getting up to go to work. Rinse, repeat.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
You Might Not Be Looking At Amateur Porn If...
I was going to make a flow chart, but it would have been huge and unwieldy. Instead, in the style of Jeff Foxworthy, I'm going to make a list. Just because one of these things is true doesn't make it professional porn, but the more of them that are true, the less likely you're looking at a unicorn and the more likely it was professionally produced. I've got absolutely nothing against professional porn either; I just find it amusing when they play amateur.
...they're having sex on the beach at night.
...everyone looks like they could be on some CW show.
...the pubes are shaved. All of them. Not a hairy ballsack in sight.
...the lighting is Golden-Hour quality.
...there's not a single pimple on anyone's ass.
...they go right to anal with no lube.
...it's a picture series, starting with an artful strip-tease in front of a neutral backdrop.
...you can see genitals more often than not.
...it's a handheld camera but the angles are all beautiful.
...the depth of field puts objects in the foreground into a soft blur, but the pussy is always in focus.
...her asshole looks perfect. So does his.
...there's a timestamp on the photo but it's for a date which doesn't actually exist.
...there's a timestamp on the photo but it doesn't stay in the same place from photo to photo.
...no one is ever making a stupid face when the camera is pointed at them.
...they're in a house nicer than you've ever been in.
...they're in a hotel bedroom.
...they're in a dorm room and there are more than two of them.
...the furniture is straight from Better Homes and Gardens. Literally. No one has ever used this furniture before.
...they're fucking on a pool table.
...the woman looks 18 but her boobs are giant and fake.
...the high heels stay on throughout.
...there's nothing with a brand name on it except for adult brands.
...no one laughs, ever.
...everyone is constantly laughing/cheering.
...there are spectators who don't get naked, join in, or do anything but look slightly uncomfortable.
...they make a big point of saying over and over that she's his step-daughter.
...they actually fuck in the pool, rather than by the side of the pool.
...lighting or camera equipment is ever visible.
...you never, ever see the camera in mirrors.
...people are wearing balaclavas and Halloween masks.
...there is no queefing, even after vigorous, lengthy pounding.
...her makeup never smears, runs, or rubs off on furniture or bedding.
...they're doing watersports outside the bathroom.
...they're doing watersports on that Better Homes and Gardens furniture.
...she shows the camera the cum on her tongue before she swallows.
...the costumes look like they were borrowed from a movie set.
...they're doing watersports while still wearing those costumes.
...the man/men is/are old enough to be the woman's father.
...anyone loudly announces that they're cumming, but it takes them more than a second after the announcement to do so.
...no one sweats.
...there are cuts between camera angles but the action seems continuous.
...they're having sex in a public area and people are walking by.
...it's a cuckolding scene but someone other than the husband and the two partners is filming it.
...there are tribal tattoos on all the guys and they all look like they live in the gym.
...it's an interracial gangbang and all the black guys are hung like horses.
...it's in a basement but somehow they're getting dolly shots.
...they're posing/fucking in front of some spectacular vista.
...it's from Russia or Eastern Europe.
...it's supposed to be in a school. Seriously, it's never really a school.
...the bondage gear costs more than your car.
You might not be looking at amateur porn if...
...they're having sex on the beach in broad daylight....they're having sex on the beach at night.
...everyone looks like they could be on some CW show.
...the pubes are shaved. All of them. Not a hairy ballsack in sight.
...the lighting is Golden-Hour quality.
...there's not a single pimple on anyone's ass.
...they go right to anal with no lube.
...it's a picture series, starting with an artful strip-tease in front of a neutral backdrop.
...you can see genitals more often than not.
...it's a handheld camera but the angles are all beautiful.
...the depth of field puts objects in the foreground into a soft blur, but the pussy is always in focus.
...her asshole looks perfect. So does his.
...there's a timestamp on the photo but it's for a date which doesn't actually exist.
...there's a timestamp on the photo but it doesn't stay in the same place from photo to photo.
...no one is ever making a stupid face when the camera is pointed at them.
...they're in a house nicer than you've ever been in.
...they're in a hotel bedroom.
...they're in a dorm room and there are more than two of them.
...the furniture is straight from Better Homes and Gardens. Literally. No one has ever used this furniture before.
...they're fucking on a pool table.
...the woman looks 18 but her boobs are giant and fake.
...the high heels stay on throughout.
...there's nothing with a brand name on it except for adult brands.
...no one laughs, ever.
...everyone is constantly laughing/cheering.
...there are spectators who don't get naked, join in, or do anything but look slightly uncomfortable.
...they make a big point of saying over and over that she's his step-daughter.
...they actually fuck in the pool, rather than by the side of the pool.
...lighting or camera equipment is ever visible.
...you never, ever see the camera in mirrors.
...people are wearing balaclavas and Halloween masks.
...there is no queefing, even after vigorous, lengthy pounding.
...her makeup never smears, runs, or rubs off on furniture or bedding.
...they're doing watersports outside the bathroom.
...they're doing watersports on that Better Homes and Gardens furniture.
...she shows the camera the cum on her tongue before she swallows.
...the costumes look like they were borrowed from a movie set.
...they're doing watersports while still wearing those costumes.
...the man/men is/are old enough to be the woman's father.
...anyone loudly announces that they're cumming, but it takes them more than a second after the announcement to do so.
...no one sweats.
...there are cuts between camera angles but the action seems continuous.
...they're having sex in a public area and people are walking by.
...it's a cuckolding scene but someone other than the husband and the two partners is filming it.
...there are tribal tattoos on all the guys and they all look like they live in the gym.
...it's an interracial gangbang and all the black guys are hung like horses.
...it's in a basement but somehow they're getting dolly shots.
...they're posing/fucking in front of some spectacular vista.
...it's from Russia or Eastern Europe.
...it's supposed to be in a school. Seriously, it's never really a school.
...the bondage gear costs more than your car.
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