TMI Tuesday

From the archives (please send questions, pretty please):

1. If you had to be trapped inside a movie for 5 days, which movie would you pick?

A rom-com?  Seems safest, although 5 days isn't a long time in a rom-com, so I'd probably be stuck in the part where everything goes to shit before the big happy ending.

It really depends on what character I'd be stuck as.  It would be awesome and cool to be stuck in a superhero movie if you were a superhero, but I'm not and never will be, so I'd probably get squashed by a falling building or something.  I'd wind up as a henchman in an adventure movie and get killed by whatever James-Bond-esque hero came along, although if I were lucky I'd get to fuck him first.  Unless of course we're going pure realism in our fantasy, in which case I wouldn't go near James Bond or similar because they're all probably terrible in bed and have 50 venereal diseases.

I could be the amusing friend in a rom-com, the one to whom the action doesn't happen.  That would probably be safe.  Yes, I want safe.

2. Who is starring in the movie of your life?

I feel bad for whoever it is, because my life would make a terrible movie, particularly since to appear in theaters it would have to cut all the fun scenes down to nothing.  I'd love to say Helen Mirren because I've always wanted to be elegant and British, but I'm not old enough for that yet, plus I don't think she'd wear my hair right.  She seems like a short-hair kind of gal, and I like my hair longer.

Jennifer Garner?  The ages are still a little off, but she could inject some much-needed kick-ass into my life.  Seems nice enough.

3. What is your favorite curse word?

Fuck.  So useful.  Overused, certainly, and without the punch of some of the more esoteric curses, but a good multi-tool of a word.

4. What word or phrase do you say most often during sex?

Fuck?  Or imprecations to the Lord.  By which I mean variations of, "Oh God yes."

5. What word or phrase are you tired of hearing during sex?

Bitch.  Name-calling aside, it's not a very imaginative name to call.  "Take it, bitch," is a good indicator that your gentleman caller is either not a decent sort or has no idea what he's doing with dirty talk.  I actually enjoy tender dirty talk while being railed as hard as possible; it's original.

6. What word or phrase do you like to hear during sex?

Encouragement or suggestions.  Anything from, "Right there!" to, "A little lower," and anything in between.  Communication is the key to excellence.

Bonus: Which sex profession would you attempt? You must pick one. Tell us why you made that choice.

I'll go through them all, why not?

a. porn movie actor

I could probably do this.  I've acted and I'm okay in bed, although those two things aren't necessarily the prerequisites for a good porn actor.  And I'm not a man, so I don't have to worry about performance issues; I can fake it, thank goodness.  That said, I don't know that I'd enjoy it; porn isn't real sex.  But never having tried it, I can't say for certain.

b. phone sex operator

I don't like being on the phone with people.  I've never been that into phone sex in the privacy of my own life, so I'm not sure this one would be for me.  I've been told I'm decent at talking guys off, so it's more a personal preference than anything else.

c. escort/call-girl/giggolo

I'm not sure what the difference between this and "prostitute" is except possibly higher-class clientele.  Well, that and the fact that it seems like escorts are required to do more social things before the sex.  And that seems less pleasant than just meeting up to fuck someone.  Still, the money and the social standing are better.  I'm just not sure I'm elegant enough to pull this one off.

Oh, also, a regular stable rather than one-night stands, I suppose.  I'm not sure whether that's better or worse.  If a regular is lousy in bed but otherwise a good client, I'd feel like my service to the bottom line (rimshot) would come before my own enjoyment, which would be tedious.  On the other hand, regulars mean you don't have to deal with unknowns.

d. prostitute

I've talked about this one before.  I don't like to mix work with pleasure, really, and sex is pleasure for me, so I'm not at all sure I could keep enjoying sex if it were my job.  Nothing to do with prostitution being dehumanizing or anything, just my own set of hang-ups.  But of all the jobs on offer, this one I'd probably take before any of the others because it seems like, if you're in a good position, it pays fairly well and it's nothing I don't already do for free.

e. stripper

Sadly, I'm quite shy, so I don't think I could take my clothes off in front of strangers.  Yes, this is very strange.  And I have often joked, about auditions (for non-sexual things) that I would rather take my clothes off and dance naked in front of 100 strangers than do an audition piece in front of three people I know.  But that's because I hate auditions.

I expect that if I could get over the initial hurdle, it would become easier for me.  I have performed in various states of undress in the past, but that was a different vibe.  Again, this is nothing against strippers who are wonderful people and have more balls than I've got.