From the archives. I'm going to preface my remarks by saying once again that many of these answers are related to my condition, so I'll probably talk about befores and afters quite a bit.
1. From erotica to sex blogs everyone seems to be having intense orgasms. Do you feel like you are experiencing the same intense orgasmic waves everyone talks about?
Now, no. My body won't let it last long enough to go into waves, and anything intense enough to do so hurts like a motherfucker.
Previously, not every time. Those intense, bone-shattering Os that everyone talks about are mostly fantasy, and if you believe that it's your right to have one every time, you are probably going to be disappointed. Some people are lucky, but most of us will have a whole range of orgasms (guys and gals).
Waves don't necessarily mean multiples either. Sometimes you get lucky and it's both, but a lot of the time for me a multiple O is a sharp O followed by several smaller ones, like aftershocks. I'm not bashing this at all; a multiple is great and I love them. But I can also have intense single orgasms that go on for ages which really do the whole "wave" thing, but there's no drop between wakes so I wouldn't call them multiples. I light up, I stay lit up though the lights may flicker a little.
On very rare occasions I've had waves followed by more waves when he or she hit just the right button and started the process over again. But there was a definite intermission where I wasn't orgasming before the next one hit.
2. At the beginning of our sexual lives, we are often let down because it feels like nothing in comparison to what we see in films and magazines. Sexual pleasure is something you learn more about as you get older. How have you learned to cultivate the pleasure that you feel?
I have, now more than ever. Before the latest unpleasantness, practice definitely makes perfect, and I practice a lot. Still do. But I think if you're judging an orgasm based on words or images you're getting it all wrong. Orgasms are personal and they're hard to put into words or images.
That said, I know what I like, although I try new things to expand my repertoire. I prefer penetration to straight clit stim, although these days I find that clit stim gives me the kind of orgasm I can enjoy without hurting myself. But penetration alone often won't cut it either. And while I absolutely love the feeling of anal, I generally can't cum from anal alone.
I like width in a cock more than I like depth, but I don't like a cock to be too wide. I like to feel full, not spread, which is why I've never cared for fisting. And, sad to say, meaningless sex doesn't get me off as well as meaningful, so there's definitely a mental component to it as well.
3. In the last 3 years, has your sexual pleasure:
a. waned
b. stayed the same
c. increased, enhanced, improved
My orgasms have gone down like a lead balloon, but the question of sexual pleasure is further down, so I'll just say that it has in some ways waned and in some ways increased.
4. If you are feeling much more sexual pleasure than your lover do you feel the need to make up the deficit or just live in the moment and enjoy what has been given to you?
Depends on the lover. If we're talking random one-night-stand-type, then I'm pretty selfish, particularly if they haven't given me good reason to be other than that. Still, I do try to give as good as I get, so if someone goes out of their way to give me pleasure without any of their own, especially if they don't demand quid pro quo, I will probably, if not voluntarily, at least guiltily give back as good as I get. Sometimes it's a pride thing: they've shown they've got skills, but I'm going to rock their tiny world. Sometimes it is because I'm feeling generous because they've put effort in. Sometimes I'm not really all that interested in anything but myself but they've put effort in and I feel guilty.
With a partner about whom I care, it's different: I'm usually out to please them from the get-go, and if it seems like I'm getting more out of it than they are, I want to remedy that post-haste. Probably some pride there; I don't like thinking that I haven't given someone the best. I know I haven't been at least some people's best fuck ever, which annoys me a little because I like to win. Also, if they're not getting as much out of it as they should be, I want to know why so I can fix the problem.
Again, we'll discuss orgasm vs. sexual pleasure below, but now that I have difficulties with the former, I tend to be a more generous lover with everyone because I like giving other people pleasure. I really do, and it's kind of selfish because I like giving pleasure and making people cum for my own twisted desires, not really because I like other people to be pleased. But there's that too.
5. How important is it to you for you and your lover to have simultaneous orgasms?
a. not important – never thought about it
b. somewhat important – I think it would be nice to explode at the same time
c. important – that is what I ‘work’ for, cumming at the same time makes everything more intense–my orgasm, my feelings, the entire experience.
It happens, and I love it when it does. Simultaneous orgasm isn't the cure-all, nor does it fix problems with the sex in general, nor is it some white elephant which should be chased to the expense of any other form of pleasure. That's just silly. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it doesn't make any damn difference to me because there's no real chemistry in the fuck. Frequently, when it happens, it's because my partner is driven over the edge by my orgasm or vice versa. That happens more with guys; a cumming pussy is very hard to fight off, in terms of holding it in.
With someone special, simultaneous orgasms can be electricity. Doesn't necessarily make the orgasm better, but it can make the experience better. But I don't dwell on it. I'd rather have an good orgasm and then keep fucking than a mediocre duo in search of an epic one.
Bonus: Do you think that having an orgasm is the same as sexual pleasure? Why or why not?
My answer to this would probably have been different before my difficulties. Or rather, my point of view has become more refined. Previously, I would probably have said that while, no, an orgasm isn't all of sexual pleasure, it's a good part of it.
Now, an orgasm is just an end of the story. It can be a great ending, or a mediocre one (it's rarely lousy) but if the rest of the story was good, that matters almost as much if not more than the ending. I enjoy the buildup more than I used to. I enjoy feeling sex in a way which you can't if you're just chasing an orgasm. I know this is different for guys: if I were a guy I suppose I'd probably say more that I enjoyed feeling sex more than you can if you're fighting to postpone an orgasm.
Which is why I wish I could develop something which would allow guys to last longer. Not just because it would be great for their partners, but also because I almost wish, when I cum, that I wasn't ending the story. I enjoy being in the moment more, and when it gets too intense and I can't stop myself, I want to keep going sometimes, keep feeling the pleasure that isn't cumming. And when I cum, I don't have to stop and wait for a refractory period before I get to fuck again. I feel bad for guys who can't last as long as they want. Not as long as they think they need to last, but just as long as they want to last, because sex is amazing and who would want to stop because of annoying biology?
Any fool can orgasm. This isn't intended as a slight against anyone who can't, by the way; I know that pain all too well. But supposing you can, any fool can orgasm. If orgasms were all there was, I'd never bother having sex. I can make myself cum quite satisfactorily all by myself in a few minutes (well, that time has changed, but it's the same idea). But for one, sex isn't all about orgasms. For another, orgasms with another person are more fun. An orgasm from masturbation is just scratching an itch for me. Sex is a much better experience.
Sure, sometimes I don't feel like sex. I want the O and then I want to do something else. Sex can be a lot of effort, and pressure, and so forth. So I'm not judging people who don't want to bother. There are plenty of toys and porn and so forth out there, and you can take your time with masturbation and really enjoy yourself. But think about it; enjoying yourself is taking time. It's seeking that orgasm but getting something along the way. Doesn't have to be with another person.
If there were a brain implant I could have installed which would, when I pressed a button, give me the most intense orgasm I'd ever had in my life, I might be tempted. Some days, that sounds awesome. But the prep for the orgasm wouldn't be there, and thus it wouldn't be the most pleasure I'd ever had. Of course, I could just have the sex, seek the O, and then at the right moment spam that button like it was going out of style, but that would be giving me an amazing ending, not an amazing story, which would be up to the rest of it.
And the best part is that orgasms don't have to be the end of the story. They can be the end of a chapter of the story. If you've cum and you can't cum any more, you can still have fun until that changes. Guys, if you've got stamina issues, rather than worrying about them, try some activities which don't cause you to immediately go off. Lick a pussy. Suck a cock. Tongue an asshole. Massage, finger, stroke, kiss. I don't think orgasms are the only sexual pleasure because if that were the case, foreplay wouldn't work. I guarantee, if you've got orgasm difficulties, whether too much or too little, you can enjoy yourself and you can make yourself into a lover who will make your partner forget all about any orgasm difficulties that might exist and come begging for more.
Let's not forget that orgasms are an end, not the end. I've had perfectly enjoyable evenings which ended in no orgasms for me at all (this definitely has changed recently; I was pretty easy to get off before). And that's okay too. I love the smell and taste of a fresh pussy, the feel of it on my fingers and tongue, the sounds a woman makes when I hit just the right spot. I love the taste of a cock, the feeling of it sliding into me, of it cumming inside me. And so much more.
So while I would happily go back to being crazy-orgasm Lexi, I'm not hurting for sexual pleasure. Or rather, I try not to. Sometimes the pain is worth it.
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