TMI Tuesday

From the archives:

1. Have you ever tested someone’s love for you? What did you do? Did things turn out as you expected or hoped?

I don't think so.  I mean, I've probably tested someone's love in a "you're testing my patience" kind of way, but never intentionally, as in "I'm going to try to figure out whether this person really loves me."  That seems a little unhealthy to me.  And while I am unhealthy in plenty of ways, that's not one of them.

It may also be because I haven't had a tremendous amount of love to test.  I mean, I've loved some people, but for the most part the people who I would test, I never really expected them to pass.  That's terrible to say, but I get that there are limits on love most of the time.

I've tested someone's intentions before.  Like if I was pretty sure that a guy was only going out with me because he thought he could get into my skirt, I might react badly to that.  I mean, I'm totally okay with only being in it for sex, but I don't like pretense.  If you're straightforward and you make it clear that this is just about sex, I will put out like a rabbit sailor on shoreleave.  But I've twisted the knife a little, made guys do things I knew they didn't want to do, just to see if they'd either come out with it and admit that they were only looking to fuck, or to see if they were worth fucking.  But that wasn't love.  That was affection or attraction, maybe.

I did test one guy's respect for me by flirting with another guy while he was around.  He didn't pass. And it wasn't like he didn't know what was up; I told him that we were not exclusive and he said he was okay with that.  But then he got very jealous over nothing.  We discussed it, he claimed he had overreacted and he was still fine with the arrangement, but I was pretty sure he wasn't, so I laid it on a little thick and he flew off the handle, so I told him that was it.  But again, that wasn't love.  That was boundaries, respect, communication, whatever.  I was doing him a favor; he would have gone crazy if I'd actually done what I said I was going to do and been non-exclusive in a sexual way.

I don't blame him, really; most people can't handle it, no matter how much they say they can.  But I think he saw it as free license for him to "cheat" on me (and I didn't give a shit) but that I had to be at his beck and call.  And frankly, even if I weren't who I am, that wasn't going to happen.  I'm not a beck-and-call kind of girl.

2. Select the answer that best fits your experience. I have dated:
a. all the wrong people
b. romantic companions that were mostly a good fit for me.
c. people that were perfect fits–loves at first sight
d. not all that much, I mainly have had a lot of long term relationships

Lord, I haven't dated that many people.  I know it seems like it, but I don't call it a "date" when it's basically nothing but sex and there's no real plan for anything else.  Of the people I've actually dated, Probably (b) with a smattering of (a) for spice.  Lord knows one of my longest relationships was all wrong.  Sveta definitely is a good fit for me.  I've had other decent fits as well.  And a few others who were wrong for me but weren't bad people, per se.  But I can't say (d) because I've dated enough people that it wouldn't be true.  It doesn't seem like these answers are mutually exclusive.

And what about (c)?  Seems like a pretty dim lookout if you've dated a bunch of people, more than enough that (d) doesn't apply, who were all perfect and love and first sight.  Seems like either you've got a very low bar for that, or you're fooling yourself.

These options aren't very good.  I would say that I've dated less than you'd think, I've had a few long-term relationships, some with the right people, and my dating tends to be short-term and sexually-oriented, if you can even call that dating.

3. Online dating: What is your success rate? What do you consider success?

Never done it.  Never cared to.  It's not that I have anything against it, but I've never been looking for love in that way.  I suppose if I were looking for other things, I could seek them online as well, but until I get desperate enough for that, I'll probably do it the old-fashioned way.

4. What sexual thing do you do most often that you could commit to doing everyday?

Masturbation?  Eating a pussy?  I could do either of those every day, and do them most days.

5. What are your thoughts on love and lust?

 I think you can have both.  But I don't know that I believe that love requires lust.  Love is more of a holistic thing, but lust is genitals.  I lust after all kinds of people, some of whom I get express my lust with.  Love is harder.  It's not a feeling as much as it is a way of being.  If you love someone, it's not necessarily going to make you cream your shorts.

I also think lust is overrated.  I fuck all kinds of people for whom I don't feel that much lust.  I don't need sheer animal attraction to enjoy a romp with someone.  And lust makes you stupid.  Better to be attracted to someone and want to fuck them, but not be blind with animal lust.  Lust I usually reserve these days for things I will never have, and it's probably better that way.

Bonus: Are you searching for love or are you searching for attention?

I don't know that I'm searching for either.  I'm not going to lie: attention of the right sort is very nice.  And I've got love and feel no deficit there, so I guess attention?  But only of certain kinds.  Random catcalls and hooting aren't my thing, nor do I want to be the center of attention in a group.  I don't know.