From the archives. Also, I took out all the multiple choice options because most of them were the kind of multiple choice options you get when you ask fairly complicated questions and have to sum up all the answers in a series of multiple choice options, so I was going to ignore them anyway.
1. You want to make love, but your partner says they’re too tired:
I respect that. I might be a bit disappointed, but unless it's something which goes on for weeks, I get being tired. Sometimes I throw people a bone (so to speak) even though I'm tired, but that's mostly because sex for me right now is less about me than my partner's happiness. I'm not saying I never say no at all, but I will lie back and take one for the team on occasion. I did that even when sex was more about me.
If Sveta started saying she was too tired to fuck for days on end, we'd have to talk about it. I wouldn't assume she was cheating on me, but unless I know she's going to be tired all week because she's busy, going for too long rejecting me is probably a symptom of something other than being tired. I'm not saying "me" in this case because I think I'm irresistible, just in general, if your partner is turning you away for a long period, even when you've expressed interest over that period, there might be something else going on.
That said, Sveta, when she gets stressed, frequently wants more sex, not less, so if she were turning me away claiming to be stressed or tired for a long period, it would be even more noticeable. This has yet to happen. If it does, we'll talk about it.
2. Who is having better sex? You or your best friends?
Some of my friends, I have no idea. I don't talk bedroom stuff with every single person I know. I have some relatively conservative friends who would be shocked to learn I am in an open relationship, let alone any of the other stuff (they're not so conservative that they disapprove of me being bisexual, but not both sexes simultaneously). Others, I know I'm having better sex. I have friends who aren't getting any rather consistently, and I feel bad for them. And others... I think Kate might be having more sex than I do, but I'm not sure if it's better. Sveta and I are pretty great at sex. I have a friend or two who might not have as much sex as I do, but they have really great sex, so if it's quality over quantity, they might beat me.
3. How do you feel right after sex?
It depends on the sex. Sometimes, it's energizing. Sometimes it's tiring. Sometimes it's calming. Generally, if the sex was good, I'm a little worn out unless I wish there had been more of it. I'd say it's mostly calming, although it doesn't put me to sleep. It scratches an itch. It feels like right after I scratch an itch, I guess.
4. Which is better? Being a man or woman?
While I would swap bodies with a man if that were possible just to see what it was like, I'm perfectly happy being a woman. I'm a slightly masculine woman, I think, but I've never felt like I was meant to be anything else. No judgments on people who do, or who feel like they're neither. But I don't think there's a "better" here. They're different. And only having been a woman, I can't say anything qualitative about any other gender identity. I'm not hedging my bets, just saying that there are plenty of ways to be and I don't think any of them are better than any other, if that's the way you feel best.
In terms of the strict gender binary when applied to sex acts, I still have a hard time answering the question. I think being a lazy man is probably easier because you can get off pretty easily and you don't have to worry too much about it. But better? Lazy orgasms aren't better. If you're fully committed and trying to be a good lover, being a man has its upsides and downsides: yes, it's probably easier to be a man pleasure-wise, but in terms of giving your partner pleasure, women are hard to please. I can say this from experience. Ladies have an easier time of getting their male partners off, but a harder time getting themselves off, maybe? I don't know. Plus, that's assuming male-female fucking.
This is a dumb question. And I didn't even mention peeing standing up. I'm proud of myself.
5. You and your partner had sex that wasn’t that good. What do you do?
How "not good" are we talking? If it was just not as good as usual, that's still okay, and I don't think that there's much reason to get hung up on it. If I were worried about it, I might discuss it, not accusingly, just checking in, seeing what wasn't working, that sort of thing. If it were stellarly awful, a dark star of sex, then definitely we'd talk about it.
You've got to take into account the length of the relationship and the expected standard. If Sveta and I have an off day, that's no big thing. We're not likely to have done something wrong. It was just a sub-par performance, and that happens. Or we tried something we thought we'd like, but we didn't. No biggie. If the relationship is fairly new and we haven't had much sex, then an sub-par performance might be because we haven't really clicked yet, sex-wise. Maybe it was the first time we did anal and he was too gentle or too rough. Still got to talk about it, but again, it's not a long-running thing which had a hiccup, it's the start of what might be a trend, so nipping that trend in the bud is important.
Of, of course, the sex is the first time and it's terrible and either we like each other enough to acknowledge that and try better or we just don't see each other again. "Partner" is a tough word: it doesn't have to mean long-term.
Where it gets awkward (and this has happened to me more with relationships with guys, I'm afraid) is when it's terrible for me but good for them. It does happen with the ladies too. Usually it's because they're not experienced. I don't hate people who don't know what they're doing as long as they're looking to improve. So with first-time or recent lesbians, it can be bad because they've never had to work a girl's parts before. As long as they're trying and they're worth seeing again, I give pointers.
But sometimes (and again, sadly, the gentlemen feature here more than the ladies) it's bad for me because it was all about them, they got off and they weren't interested in getting me off at all. And that's not really "wasn't that good." That's selfish fucking. If they tried and failed, that's one thing, but if they didn't try, then unless I've got some good reason to keep them around, I don't need that in my life. I'm quite giving, particularly of late, so there's really no excuse for selfish sex. I will make sure my partner gets off.
If, on the other hand, I'm doing a bad job, I want to know about it. That does happen too. I've been with a few women who were looking for something totally different from me than I gave them, and they were usually kind enough to tell me that so I didn't keep doing things they didn't care for. With guys, there are plenty of times when I honestly don't know whether I was bad for them. They didn't tell me, either because they were nervous or jerks or whatever, and so I skated through the session thinking I was making them happy when I might not have been. I haven't gotten too many complaints from guys, and usually when I do it's just that it's a particularly thing I'm doing that they don't like, which I'm happy to change.
5. What advice do you wish you had when you started having sex?
All the options on this one were silly: I either had the advice or it's shit advice. I guess maybe I should have known that orgasms weren't so important. I was never taught that they were, understand, but I put a lot of stock in them growing up, both my own and others. As I've "matured" I think I've come to realize that good sex doesn't have to be orgasm after orgasm. Yes, for me, sometimes I don't cum at all but I can still enjoy it, and that's true for other ladies as well. But also for gentlemen. I still think it's a bad time if I can't get a guy off at least once (unless he, like me, has something preventing orgasms completely) but I care less about guys being able to cum time after time. I love it when I get it, but if I get one, with a good solid session of enjoyment on both our parts, that's okay too. With women, that's very true: I used to pride myself in getting women off, but now I don't just chase the O. Sometimes that's what you do, but sometimes it's better to fuck without worrying about it, just enjoying each other, and if no one gets off, it's still fine and it's still sex and it's still fun.
Bonus: What will your sex life be like when you’re 70 years old?
If I can still get people to fuck me when I'm 70, I will be fucking like crazy. I'm told that the senior population has way more sex that we youngsters would like to imagine, and I'm going to be driving those numbers up if anyone will have me. I confess that it will probably be loaded more on the male side of the scale because I just don't find older women as attractive as older men, but if younger women want me, they can have me. And honestly I'll probably be fine with older women too. I'm going to be a scandal when I'm old.
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