TMI Tuesday, a Sveta-Heavy Episode

From the archives:

1. For you, can sex be separated from love?

I've talked about this plenty of times, but yes, absolutely.  I think the world would be a better place if everyone felt this way, not just because there'd be more sex in the world.  I think sex is on a pedestal that it doesn't deserve, and at the same time not on a pedestal that it does.  It's great.  It's a great way to spend time.  It's good for you.  And it absolutely can be a component of love and that love doesn't have to be romantic love.  But it shouldn't have to be.

Do I think you should have sex with people you don't like?  Probably not.  But if you do, and you just want to fuck because they're hot or good in bed or you're horny, who gives a fuck?  People do things with people they don't really like all the time.  You don't have to love someone to have fun with them.

That all said, making sex and love separate frees people who aren't sexual (for whatever reason) from having to feel like they're missing out on love.  I think people should be able to deeply, deeply love each other without sex ever entering into the equation, and that love can be romantic and wonderful and every bit as worthwhile as love where sex is involved.  There are couples who don't have kids and couples who do.  There are couples who don't cook and couples who do.  Why should we judge people who don't have sex and say that they don't love each other as much?

2. Can sex be separated from caring?

This is a more interesting question, but I think my answer is still yes, it can.  I'm not saying it should.  It would be nice if you only had sex with people you at least cared about.  But again, while I think sex is better between people who care for each other, really the only caring that's a prerequisite for sex is caring about consent and caring enough to want your partner to enjoy themselves.  And while the former is a line in the sand, the latter isn't, because most people have fucked where it was just about them getting off.  If the other person (or people) in the room had fun, fine, but that wasn't what it was about.  And that's selfish and not good, but it doesn't necessarily stray into territory where it's any more wrong than being selfish in any other way.  I've had incredibly hot sex where I didn't give a damn about my partner.

Sex is just something we do.  It's no different than anything else.  I wish the world was ready for that attitude because I've preached this sermon before.

3. Men: Does sex seem to be something that you can never get enough of and are constantly seeking or thinking about?

I'm not a man, but I'll answer this anyway.  I used to very rarely be completely sated.  It would happen, but it was like eating so much I was sick.  Sure, I was sated, but I didn't feel good about it.  Or I felt good, but I was going to regret it in the morning.  And being overstimulated wasn't what I needed; I could be perfectly happy getting great sex but still having the hunger.  Nothing wrong with wanting more.

These days, I'm rarely sated but usually not interested in pursuing further satiation.  It's mostly my medical factors.  I used to cum hard and frequently, and these days I'm lucky to get one a day (and that's often masturbation, not because I'm not having sex but because the sex isn't making me cum).

If my brain is idle, I think about sex all the fucking time.  Or sexual things.  Not necessarily thinking about dick in vag, just naked women or hard cocks or dripping pussies or anal or... yeah, see, I think about it all the damn time.  Something will come on TV which is slightly arousing and I'm off to the races.  But if I'm thinking about other things, sex doesn't come up.  It doesn't distract me unless I'm incredibly hard up.  I've always been able to compartmentalize with more or less success.

4. Women: Is sex secondary to intimacy, physical closeness, and commitment?

I don't know if "secondary" is the right word.  It's different, as I said above.  I don't want intimacy or commitment from everyone, and I don't even want sex from everyone.  I'd say that in a relationship, the intimacy makes the sex better and is probably something I value more, but that's not always true.

Commitment is an odd one.  I know women have a reputation for pushing guys into commitment and guys are always afraid of commitment, but that's a rom-com trope and it's not true.  And you'd think that since I fuck around, I would have a low value for commitment, but that's also not true.  I value commitment, just not in the traditional sense.  Fidelity doesn't have to mean monogamy.  If my partner was doing things behind my back which he/she had promised not to do, I would view that as a violation, regardless of whether those things were sexual or things which, had we talked about them, I would have been totally fine with.

I'm not even monogamous with love.  I think you can love more than one person.  So it's not even a question of, "Well, we have an open relationship but we only love each other."  It's complicated and requires communication and I'm no expert at it and have fucked up in the past and will likely do so again.  But I do value commitment, whatever it means.

5. Who is more discriminating in choosing sexual partners–you or your significant other?

Definitely Sveta.  It's not even that she's picky about body type or personality.  She just has more discrimination.  She's less willing to throw herself under a bus.  She's also more careful and shier about propositioning people.  She picks up guys sometimes, but she's never picked up a girl without me along.

Bonus: Who is more likely to take on additional sexual partners, you or your significant other?

Definitely me, for the reasons stated above, but also because I'm less monogamous than Sveta is.  I think Sveta would be perfectly happy to have a relationship with me where we were monogamous but with party exceptions.  That's not to say that she doesn't get her own on the side: she has several steady-ish partners and she gets her quota.  But I think that if we had a relationship where we would occasionally invite other people to share our bed and otherwise were monogamous, she'd be okay.  I would probably feel confined, so it's lucky that she doesn't want that.

And no, she doesn't; we've talked about it and she's perfectly happy to get her own on the side as well, and happy to have me have my own side bits.  She's not angling for anything different.  But I think she could be content with occasional three/foursomes, rather than the more open relationship we have now.  Hell, if we could find a guy and live in a poly threesome where she'd be able to get cock and pussy, I think she'd be okay with that.

And if that's coming off as judgmental, I assure you it isn't.  I don't judge people who want monogamy of the most traditional kind (well, not for wanting monogamy; I'll judge them if they start judging me for my choices).  Or no sex at all.  We're all different people and we want different things.  Sveta is less adventurous than I am in terms of partners, but she's very adventurous in the sack and I love that about her.  Her sexuality was previously very repressed, but that she's come out of her shell doesn't mean she's become just like me.  Our upbringings were very different (obviously) and our personalities are quite different in some ways, and while we're very compatible, we don't have to be the same.

Sveta is less bisexual than I am; she is attracted to women but has no interest in pursuing them.  She likes naked ladies but doesn't need to be one-on-one, I guess.  And I know this about her, so I know that she needs to get regular infusions of vitamin D that I can't provide.  But at the same time she isn't a one-night-stand type, so if she needs a beef injection, she wants to get it from a provider she knows and has a prior understanding with.  And that's totally fine.  If anything, it's safer and more sensible than my modus operandi.

We're not in love and happy together because we're perfect sexual partners for each other.  We're great sexual partners for each other, but we both know that we're not capable of being all things to all people, or even to one person, so we sort it out our own ways.  I like variety.  Sveta likes cock.  I mean, I like cock too, but I don't mind if it's not the same cock every time.  It's like ordering at a restaurant: Sveta goes for what she knows she'll like, even if she's ordered it every time before, whereas I'm more likely to order everything on the menu at least once.

Which isn't to say that Sveta doesn't like to order different things in the bedroom.  She likes trying new things.  So maybe it's more like picking a restaurant to eat at: Sveta will go for someplace she's enjoyed before, even if maybe she might miss out on a place which might have the greatest food ever.  Meanwhile, I want to try a new restaurant all the time.

And on the subject of Sveta trying new things, she might be more adventurous as far as sex acts than I am.  I don't mean in terms of limits, but she's had a much shorter career than I have and she's already done pretty much everything I've done, with more willingness to do it than one might expect, given her background.  I remember when I first met her, wondering if she'd ever even be into lesbian sex.  Now, she's down with all kinds of things, and doesn't hesitate to try something new which seems like it might be fun.  She has boundaries just like I do, but she's willing to range right up to the fence on them, and she's blossomed into a sexual being which was not at all what I expected at the beginning.  It sounds a bit odd, but I'm super proud of her.