TMI Tuesday

Do you consider your sex to be “conventional”? Why or why not?

I mean, no? I have too much of it, for one thing, with too many people, and they're many of them of  incorrect genders, and I incorporate acts which aren't typical. But what is convention? Is it what we all have agreed to think it is, or is it what actually goes on in the bedrooms of the world? I think the average person is a bit more freaky in the bedroom than they're willing to admit, and their fantasy lives are considerably more so. But I still don't think I'd fall into the realm of the average. I'm just too big of a slut for that.

How do you describe your gender identity?

I am reasonably cisgendered, so I'd say I'm a cis woman, though I don't conform to every standard of womanhood set by the ruling council of women. I don't feel like my gender presentation is out of step with my feelings, and I don't suffer dysphoria about it, so I'm cis, a woman, mildly gender-non-conforming.

How do you describe your sexual orientation?

I grew up during a time when "bisexual" covered the bases, and I've always felt vaguely bisexual, back before I had any real conception of genders beyond the binary. That said, it wasn't until fairly recently that I kind of admitted to myself that yes, I was in fact bisexual and not just "straight but fools around with girls because girls are fun to fool around with." It might have been getting married to a girl that did it. I don't know.

I would probably still say I'm bisexual, even with the baggage that implies, but my sexuality doesn't really have much to do with the gender binary, so I suppose in many people's minds I'm pansexual. I would happily have sex with a man with a vagina or a woman with a penis, or a non-binary person with any set of equipment, or none, if the case may be. But I still think of myself as bi. It's just how I was raised. Thinking of myself as queer is relatively new to me, as I said. I never felt like I belonged at Pride, for instance, but now I'm coming to realize, with the help of some friends, that I have a place in the rainbow, which is nice.

Is understanding the causes and effects, and the formation of gender stereotypes important?

Good lord yes. I mean, we'd all be happier if there were no restrictions on gender expression, so knowing what restrictions there are is useful if for no other reason than to understand how to subvert those restrictions if you so desire. That's where I'd put it; no restrictions means that you're free to express your gender in any way you like, including stereotypically. Too many people believe that feminism, for instance, means that all feminists want to be a certain way which isn't "girly," and that's just not true. Most of my gender expression that isn't typical is not a reaction to the patriarchy or whatever, it's just how I am. Similarly, being a sex kitten, when I am, is fiercely feminist for me because it's my choice.

So understanding where this all comes from helps one make informed choices. And those choices can be to be a sex kitten sometimes, be extremely submissive to men in the bedroom sometimes, be butch as hell with my wife sometimes, and all things in between. People are terrified that if you have a choice you won't choose to be a certain way, and that says less about you and more about the options those people are giving you.

What are your thoughts on this statement: “I’m in a committed relationship, and it feels like asking for consent every time we have sex is overkill—is that wrong?”

So obviously I believe that consent is key, even in a long-term committed relationship. That means that consent can be withdrawn at any time, for any reason. No amount of committed partnership excuses rape.

That said, I think in plenty of relationships, consent gets to the point where it's mostly implied. Removal of consent can still happen but because of the familiarity of the people in the relationship, consent doesn't need to be negotiated in the same way as it would otherwise. That's just natural. The same thing is true about a lot of things in a relationship.

That said, I don't think people really understand asking for consent. They make it seem like it's some sort of contract that everyone involved has to sign, when in fact it's more like, "You wanna fuck?" "Ok." "Kick ass! Let's go fuck!" That's consent right there. And I can't stress enough how sexy enthusiastic consent is. "You wanna go upstairs?" "Fuck do I! I want you to take me every which way to Sunday!" That's enthusiastic consent, and it's sexy as hell.

Consent is also a two-way street. You shouldn't have to ask every time because it should be more of a process whereby you and your partner(s) all consent to each other. Again, it's not like a fucking legal contract, and the people who want to make it like that are just looking for excuses to rape people and get away with it. Just be consenting, with a partner or partners, and it's fine. Guys, you love it when she's moaning, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" That's consent right there. That's consent to continue and it's sexy as hell. I'm singling guys out, but that goes for anyone. "Fuck me! Fuck me!" is both a very sexy thing to hear moaned and consent.

So I guess my thoughts are that people both make too big a deal about asking for consent and don't take it seriously enough. Such is the way of many things in life.