You Might Not Be Looking At Amateur Porn If...

I was going to make a flow chart, but it would have been huge and unwieldy.  Instead, in the style of Jeff Foxworthy, I'm going to make a list.  Just because one of these things is true doesn't make it professional porn, but the more of them that are true, the less likely you're looking at a unicorn and the more likely it was professionally produced.  I've got absolutely nothing against professional porn either; I just find it amusing when they play amateur.

You might not be looking at amateur porn if...

...they're having sex on the beach in broad daylight.
...they're having sex on the beach at night.
...everyone looks like they could be on some CW show.
...the pubes are shaved.  All of them.  Not a hairy ballsack in sight.
...the lighting is Golden-Hour quality.
...there's not a single pimple on anyone's ass.
...they go right to anal with no lube.
...it's a picture series, starting with an artful strip-tease in front of a neutral backdrop.
...you can see genitals more often than not.
...it's a handheld camera but the angles are all beautiful.
...the depth of field puts objects in the foreground into a soft blur, but the pussy is always in focus.
...her asshole looks perfect.  So does his.
...there's a timestamp on the photo but it's for a date which doesn't actually exist.
...there's a timestamp on the photo but it doesn't stay in the same place from photo to photo.
...no one is ever making a stupid face when the camera is pointed at them.
...they're in a house nicer than you've ever been in.
...they're in a hotel bedroom.
...they're in a dorm room and there are more than two of them.
...the furniture is straight from Better Homes and Gardens.  Literally.  No one has ever used this furniture before.
...they're fucking on a pool table.
...the woman looks 18 but her boobs are giant and fake.
...the high heels stay on throughout.
...there's nothing with a brand name on it except for adult brands.
...no one laughs, ever.
...everyone is constantly laughing/cheering.
...there are spectators who don't get naked, join in, or do anything but look slightly uncomfortable.
...they make a big point of saying over and over that she's his step-daughter.
...they actually fuck in the pool, rather than by the side of the pool.
...lighting or camera equipment is ever visible.
...you never, ever see the camera in mirrors.
...people are wearing balaclavas and Halloween masks.
...there is no queefing, even after vigorous, lengthy pounding.
...her makeup never smears, runs, or rubs off on furniture or bedding.
...they're doing watersports outside the bathroom.
...they're doing watersports on that Better Homes and Gardens furniture.
...she shows the camera the cum on her tongue before she swallows.
...the costumes look like they were borrowed from a movie set.
...they're doing watersports while still wearing those costumes.
...the man/men is/are old enough to be the woman's father.
...anyone loudly announces that they're cumming, but it takes them more than a second after the announcement to do so.
...no one sweats.
...there are cuts between camera angles but the action seems continuous.
...they're having sex in a public area and people are walking by.
...it's a cuckolding scene but someone other than the husband and the two partners is filming it.
...there are tribal tattoos on all the guys and they all look like they live in the gym.
...it's an interracial gangbang and all the black guys are hung like horses.
...it's in a basement but somehow they're getting dolly shots.
...they're posing/fucking in front of some spectacular vista.
...it's from Russia or Eastern Europe.
...it's supposed to be in a school.  Seriously, it's never really a school.
...the bondage gear costs more than your car.