TMI Tuesday

From the archives because no one ever asks me questions which you totally can do.  I'm very nice.  Email me.  Comment.  Tweet.  If it's a question worth answering on the blog I will, and if not, or you just want to say, "Hi," I'm fine with that too.  Read this.  You'll notice how pretty much unsexy it is.  You can fix that by asking good sexy questions for me to answer.

1. What would you do to leave a great impression with a person on your first date?

Fuck?  I mean, that usually works for me if that's the kind of impression I'm trying to leave.  But if we're talking on a more interpersonal level as opposed to merely guaranteeing that they remember me, it depends.  I make pretty decent conversation about a lot of things.  I might dress up if that seems like the kind of thing which is called for.  I don't know, really; I haven't been on so many dates that I have a set playlist or anything.  Unless it's the sort of date where we fuck, in which case my answer is, "Fuck their brains out."

2. Do you usually follow your heart or your head?

My heart is pretty stupid.  My head is too.  My head also overthinks things, so it usually gets the last word in.  If I can make it seem like the smart thing to do to follow my heart, then I'll do that, but I'd say it's probably my head most times.  That's not a ringing endorsement of my choices, by the way.

3. If your significant other told you to jump off a tall cliff and told you that you’ll land safely because there’s a net you can’t see yet, would you blindly trust your s.o. and jump?

Hell no, not because I don't trust her, but because I would need more than just, "Oh, it'll be fine," to get me to jump off a cliff. I would only do it if it were for some purpose, like saving someone's life or something.  And then I wouldn't require assurances that I would be okay.  If I were going to do it, I'd care more about why than whether I would survive, in terms of the mental calculus.  I don't view cliff-jumping as a fun-time activity

4. How do you support your significant other?

Emotionally, sexually, as financially as I can.  I'm there for Sveta when she needs me.  I try my best.  It kills me when I have to say no to her.  It really does.  And I don't do it lightly.  But sometimes we can't afford it, or I can't do it, or whatever.  And she understands, but it still kills me.

I would say the emotional support is where I'm best.  Sveta needs sexual support too, because she, unlike me, doesn't have as much extracurricular fun.  Partially because she's still quite shy about sex in a lot of ways, partially because she isn't comfortable with it like I am.  So I fulfill her needs as best I can, or seek out help if I can't.  But she'd be okay if the sexual stuff wasn't as supportive.  Emotionally, I think I help the most.

5. What types of things or gestures/acts make you feel loved?

I'm a simple gal.  I don't care about flowers or gifts, really.  I'd rather get a handmade card which says, "I love you," than something expensive which doesn't.  Not that I don't like gifts, but I don't need them to feel loved.  When I come to bed and Sveta curls around me in her sleep, that's wonderful.  That makes me feel loved.  When she says, "I love you," randomly.  When she smiles at me.

I'm bad about saying, "I love you," not because I don't feel it or think that it's a big deal.  Just that I don't think of it.  I've been in too many relationships where it either wasn't true or it was unstated for whatever reason.  So I try hard to tell Sveta I love her.

But it's more than saying it.  Love isn't a feeling or a thing you say, it's a thing you do.  Love is action.  You show love.  And simply saying, "I love you," isn't her showing love.  But she doesn't, "simply" say it.  She says it and I know she means it because of all the stuff which doesn't register as a gesture, but which is.  That's what's important: saying it because you mean it because you've done it.  I think you can love someone without ever saying it, but you should say it too.  Just don't think that simply saying it is enough.  It isn't.  That's not love, that's something you say.  "Good afternoon" used to mean we were wishing that someone would have a good afternoon, but it's just something you say now.  Love can't be something you just say, but you should say it.

6. What types of things or gestures/acts make you feel respected?

Listening to me.  Including me in a discussion which affects me or something I care about.  Not lying.  Treating me like a human.  I don't even need "equal" because sometimes it's a boss or someone who is not your equal.  But treating me like we're both humans goes a long way.

I bristle at hierarchies.  And I hate working for people who don't respect me.  But I will be loyal as fuck if you give me cause for it.  If you treat me properly.

That's all about working.  As far as personal relationships go, listening and remembering the important stuff.  I don't care if you forget we talked about something unimportant, but if it's important to me and you disregard that, then I don't feel respected.  I get that people don't have great memories (mine is awful) so I also accept apologies when people forget.  But you have to get that it's a reason to apologize.  I shouldn't have to tell you that it is.

7. Can you have emotional intimacy without physical intimacy? Explain.

Good lord yes.  I know that sounds strange coming from me, but I believe you can have physical intimacy without emotional, so why wouldn't it work the other way?  Sex is just a thing we do, people.  If it helps you be more connected, that's great, but it's not a prerequisite any more than jumping off a cliff together or going through a war or something.  It builds emotional intimacy when that's what you're doing, but fucking someone doesn't forge an emotional connection with them.  We need to stop thinking that because it's screwing with our collective heads.

I am extremely emotionally intimate with my mother, and we've never had sex.  I have dear, dear friends with whom I've never had sex.  Of all genders and persuasions.  Some of them I would have sex with if it ever came up, but some I wouldn't.  Some wouldn't have sex with me.  And that's fine.  I don't need to fuck everyone I love because why would I?

Bonus: In 2016, what was your most conflicted emotional moment?

Lord, I don't know.  I don't even know that I know what "conflicted" means.  It's a word people use when they don't want to get specific, or when they just want to use some buzzword.  It's like "fraught" which now seems to mean "unpleasant" when it used to mean "filled with."  You couldn't be "fraught" you had to be "fraught with peril" or "fraught with..." well, peril is the one everyone used to use, so I guess since "peril" now means "mild unpleasantness" they just shortened it so we wouldn't notice that they also devalued "peril."

Conflicted?  Between what and what?  If it's a conflict, it has to have sides.  But that's not true any more.

Anyway, enough linguistics.  Deciding what to do about Kate and Liam was a pretty big decision, although I kind of glossed that over in talking about it.  In the end, it didn't have giant emotional stakes for me though.

I had to make several job-related decisions which were tough, but again, not really emotionally risky.  I've hooked up with some people where maybe I had to think about it for a bit, but it wasn't like I was fighting my emotions.

We had to make a big decision financially about the health of one of our cats which was pretty difficult.  On the one hand, a lot of money, even if we'd had enough money.  Which we didn't.  So putting a pricetag on love is tough.  In the end, we found a way to get the money, even though there was a decent chance that it would be a waste.  It wasn't; he survived and is still with us, and it was worth it even if we'd only gotten a few more months with him.  I know some people don't understand spending money on animals, and I respectfully disagree.  Maybe less than respectfully.  Basically, if you feel that way, you're entitled to your opinion and please keep quite about it around me.

But I also wasn't super happy about what we had to do to get the money, which was a bit emotional for us as well.  No, we didn't sell ourselves on the street.  But borrowing money makes me incredibly squirmy.  So there were emotions there too.

I'm sorry, you probably were hoping there would be a sexy story here.  There isn't.  That's basically what I could think of, "conflicted" wise.