Disturbed

No one reads this blog, I know, so I don't feel really guilty about not writing in it. I just get busy and don't. Maybe I'm bored with it. I don't know.

But it's confession time, because I can't talk about it to anyone else. My family aren't whom I need to talk to, and if I told anyone else, they would probably never speak to me again, plus I'd probably have to tell them a lot of background that I'm not comfortable telling most people... etc. etc.

Lately, I have found myself more and more turned on by the thought of underage sex. It's really sick, frankly, because it just is. I'm not really attracted to kids physically, there's more something which is arousing about the thought of corrupting their innocence, which is possibly even sicker.

I don't know if I completely believe that people shouldn't have sex before they're 18, but that's the law. But it's not even the age; if I could find someone who had no knowledge of sex, like maybe a really strict religious type, and seduce them, that would be arousing too. But it also has to do with age, because it wouldn't be the same if they weren't younger.

I don't know why I'm saying this, except I'm worried about myself. Since I started having sex at a very young age, I wonder if it messed up my brain somehow. Who am I kidding? I'm sure people think it did. After all, having sex with your family members is pretty messed up by society's standards, yet I do that all the time.

I like to remember my times when I was younger, with my dad, my brother and sisters, with other people. And I fantasize about watching two younger kids fuck, not because I find either of them attractive physically, but the forbidden aspect of it and the whole lost innocence thing. Maybe I wish I still was innocent.

Enough psychology. I'm just a little worried about it, given that it's really illegal and I think it's probably wrong too. Wrong for me to watch, I mean; if kids want to fuck on their own, more power to them. I don't think adults should make them unless they want to, but I also like to believe that I wanted to, when I did it the first time. Maybe if we weren't so traumatic about sex, it wouldn't be a big deal. Maybe it would. I don't know. And I'll probably never find out.