Spring in March

It's Sveta's spring break, and while I wanted her to spend it on the beach or something, let's face it, she's not that kind of gal. Neither am I, truth be told; I never went to party beaches for Spring Break or anything like that. I partied a little sometimes, but I couldn't afford to go beach-hopping.

It seems a little cold for beaches anyway, but I was hoping Sveta would do something. As it is, she's spending some time with me. She's been over all weekend, since Friday when she left school and came by the house. I wasn't expecting her to be here this long, but since this weekend I had nothing to do, really, I'm fine with it.

She's actually sacked out right next to me as we speak; I'm using a borrowed laptop to write this, unfortunately for my computer situation but fortunately because I can sit here next to her and write and feel her close to me. We've had a full weekend, no wonder the kid's tuckered out. She'll probably wake up in an hour or so, but until then, I'm blogging, gazing, and feeling warm.

It's been tougher and tougher to keep from telling her, but at the same time, it's been impossible to get up enough courage to even introduce the subject. I know at times in this blog I might seem like I'm the least inhibited person there is, but really, that's not true. Some things, it's true, but not others. I have a difficult time telling people I love them, for instance, and I think I do love Sveta... which is hard to even say in text on a blog.

I don't know how much I love her, whether this is "spend our lives together" love or "she's like a sister to me" love or something else. I'm not naive about it; I'm not going to spend my life with her. I think the best I could hope for is some kind of family love connection, which I guess for some people would be weird, but since I fuck my family, it's not for me.

Anyway, that's made my enjoyment of the weekend a little dampened, but still, we've gone at it like rabbits, lesbo rabbits. We spent all of Saturday naked in my room; I made a foray down to the kitchen and got us supplies, and we just stayed there. I had intended on working on some things, but that didn't happen. We should have showered; we both were pretty rank this morning, from all the sweat and juice and all. I'll have to change my sheets, definitely. And we spent most of the time making love, I guess partially because while I'm making love with her, I don't have to worry about telling her. Not that I don't enjoy it, or that we both didn't want it bad.

It got to the point where we were curled up together at the end, with no energy to speak of, and I couldn't say anything to her. I could talk. I wanted to talk, because I love her for other things than sex; she's cute as hell, funny, and once you get her out of her shell, she's fun to be with. I can't talk about a bunch of things with her, because we don't share all the same interests or anything, and she's still in high school for fuck's sake, so the age gap is hard too. But still, I like being with her, when I'm not agonizing.

She's lying there right now, curled on her side, her pretty hair flowing down from her head. It's not a color you would normally think was attractive, I guess; just brownish, really. But it's pretty on her. And her body, with the creamy skin just begging to be kissed, her breathing making her breasts rise and fall a little with each breath, the pert nipples beckoning me, and then down her waist to those cute little hips and legs and the toes... I'm not into toes normally, but her toes are cute. We shaved each other in the shower this afternoon, so she's all smooth and inviting. Damn.

And yet, she's so much younger than I am, and she's not going to be a lesbian for life, and neither am I, frankly. I love cock too much, and I think if she could get some cock, she might go right back. It's hard being alternatively-sexual in this country, and I'm making it hard for her. I feel guilty, no matter how much I want to hold her close. It's tough.

I'm just going to close up before I get too weepy and wrap my arms around her and keep her warm until she wakes up. I hope she wakes up soon, because the selfish part of me would really like to make love again. It'll keep me up if I don't get some relief, so maybe I'll just sneak over to a porn site and diddle.