Medical Malpractice

We're going to start Tuesday a little early because Jim was nice enough to ask a question that I think deserves an answer, even if it makes me wince a little and the answer won't be terribly sexy.

"Have you ever gotten excited at the doctor's office? Or during a physical (or gyno exam)? When Sveta got on the pill, did she need to go through an exam? Were you with her the entire time?" - Jim

I'll get the easy bit out of the way first: of course she had to get an exam, and of course I wasn't with her the entire time. She'd had them before. She's not a child, and I don't need to hold her hand, not to mention the fact that it would be a bit weird. Plus, as we'll see below, I am no more interested in undergoing someone else's medical experiences than I am my own, and I figure, why borrow trouble? So I waited in the waiting room with my mom.

First thing's first: I'm not a fan of doctors. Not as people, but as a thing I have to deal with. Medicine and I have a rocky history, and not because of any one thing in particular, just because I always get into medical situations where the cure is worse than the disease, plus I'm terrible at describing symptoms, and just a bunch of stuff, little by little, that makes me really dislike going to the doctor. I don't go, often enough, even when I probably should. But I've become expert at ignoring things. I know, not good. I don't like medical attention.

I've never had a nurse fetish (or a doctor fetish), although I'm okay with watching silly porn featuring either or both. It's not real, and I'm not in the doctor's office. I don't like medical dramas or reality shows. And I hate needles, and for a while it seemed like every damn time I went into a doctor's office, they'd be sticking me with needles.

Anyway, I do have fairly regular checkups, because I may be stubborn but I'm not stupid. Pretty much since I became sexually active, I've had the usual song and dance, which might have been a little odd, given my age, but seemed wisest. For the longest time, I was petrified of going to the doctor, so I was too nervous and scared to think about sexuality at that time. And most women, I think, will agree with me when I say that there's really very little that's sexy about gynecology. Sure, maybe there are fetishists who get off on it, but I don't.

However, there was this one time, when I was away from home for an extended period, and for one reason or another I had to go to a doctor who wasn't my regular doctor to get an exam. I don't remember why, exactly, because the whole experience was so ridiculous that minor details like that have been suppressed. Maybe it was time for a checkup. I honestly don't remember.

I almost put it off, I remember that (largely because later on, my brain had a lot of fun telling me how much better it would have been if I'd just listened to my procrastinatory side and put it off, like the stupid bitch that my brain sometimes is). But in the end, I went. The doctor was this middle-aged woman, not unattractive if you're into that sort of thing, but who sort of reminded me of some women who had been in positions of authority over me at various times, women who were obviously completely in control. What can I say, I was in a bad mental state anyway, and it just made it worse.

Usually, the speculum is ice-cold, but for whatever reason, this one wasn't, and I think that's when the problem started. She did it differently than my regular doctor (my brain also likes to point out that she was doing it maliciously to turn me on, but I don't listen to my psycho brain if I can help it). And lo and behold, I suddenly got incredibly turned on in spite of myself. It's only happened to me a handful of times; I'll be in a situation which is either totally wrong or would ordinarily turn me off completely, and for whatever reason I'll get sopping wet and want to grind on anything that'll stand still for five seconds.

I tried very hard not to do anything like that, but I think she could tell that something was up. When she pulled it out after, I came. I have enough orgasmic experience that I can cum quietly, but I wasn't fooling anybody. I was beet red, the most I think I've ever blushed (or if not, then tied for first) and my eyes were a little glassy.

And then she turned to me and said, "Don't worry about it; it happens to me every time."

Bam. On with the routine. And if anything, that made it worse. If she'd given me a stinkeye, I could have put up my defensive barriers and ridden out the storm. Maybe being pissed off at her would have helped me keep it down. But no. She had to be understanding. Plus, it happens to her every time? Christ.

Needless to say, I could never go back there. I averted my eyes for the remainder of the visit, didn't say anything much, collected my paperwork and got the fuck out of Dodge. And ever since, that memory has made it even more fun to go to the doctor. So no, I wasn't in any great hurry to watch Sveta. Not that I don't love every inch of her warm pink form, but even if I'd been allowed for whatever reason, I wouldn't have, because it might have turned me off of her so bad it could have ruined the weekend.

So I count my blessings that I have never again had a female doctor with a warm speculum. It's still a very weird memory, not entirely pleasant, which is probably why I didn't bring it up before. Actually, on perusal, I did briefly bring it up before in another context, but this is the first time I've actually told the story. I hope. 400 posts makes a gal forgetful. This is the longest-running thing on the Internet I've ever done.

Keep them questions coming. No question too small or too large. Okay, that's a lie, but you never know until you ask. There aren't many things I won't talk about, even if they're somewhat unpleasant memories.