TMI Masturbation

When masturbation's lost its fun you're fucking breaking. Or so said Green Day. TMI, as always, provides grist for the proverbial mill, but you really should see the post on this one because the cartoon that went with it is really funny.

1. When you masturbate, how long, typically, is your session and what do you think about (other than having an orgasm)?

Length of session really depends on how long I have. If I have 15 minutes, well, then I take 20 minutes stroking it. Typically, I spend half an hour between things, but that might be repeated several times throughout the day if I get the chance. I don't count preparation; I might spend a while not actually with my finger in the honey, looking for porn, typing a blog post that gets me particularly aroused, reading something, whatever. The point is, when I'm getting myself off, a lot of the time it's fairly abbreviated. This might be explained by the fact that I have other people around to get me off a lot, but I sort of view masturbation like some people might view a smoke break. If I'm working at home, I take a union break every so often, rub the magic lamp, then get back to work feel a little better for the endorphins. Occasionally, I do an extended masturbatory session, but not often. Who has the time for that?

And of course when I tease the tender tamale I think about social legislation and the rise of the merchant classes in Holland in the 16th century. Who doesn't?

2. Have you ever been "caught" masturbating?

Since my family doesn't give two shits, I've never been caught by family. I've been watched, sure, and even joined, but not caught. Similarly, I've never been caught by a roommate because my roomie was into it too. I did get caught by James, long ago, but we've heard that story already. And there might have been a few other times where I was nearly or actually caught, but they don't stick out. I'm really not terribly ashamed of masturbation. If employers were more open-minded, they'd allow employees to go off and work off some steam at regular intervals during the day. It would keep down sexual harassment, for one thing. Of course, if employers were really open-minded, they'd allow employees to work off steam with each other. But that's another story.

3. Have you ever masturbated in front of your computer? If 'yes' was it for your own purposes or for someone's viewing pleasure?

I'm doing it right now. Does that help? My computer is too crappy to be doing it for anyone's viewing pleasure.

4. Have you ever attended a group masturbation party? Same-sex or mixed?

Nope, why would I go to the trouble? I want to attend the whole baseball game, not just the first inning. In case that metaphor failed, I meant that I wanted to go to an orgy. There, happy?

5. When masturbating, as you reach orgasm, do you continue to stimulate yourself without interruption, or do you stop and apply pressure until your spasms subside? Or?

Or? Or? I can't stand the suspense.

I keep up the music, mostly because I don't cum hard enough while masturbating to make it difficult to keep things going. I may not finger any delicate areas, but I definitely keep things going, because sometimes you get lucky and get two for one.

6. Have you ever video'ed yourself while masturbating (solo)? Where are they now?

Where are they now? Blah blah, insert your own TV retrospective joke here. I don't know enough about celebrity lives to pull it off. But just imagine that I made a joke about Bob Denver, or possible Bob Saget.

I've never "video'ed[sic]" myself doing anything. I've had video taken of me masturbating by myself, and they (assuming the question was actually about the tapes) are quite safe, my dear, quite safe indeed.

Bonus (as in optional): How often do you use the word "fuck" (or its derivatives) in casual conversation - frequently, occasionally, rarely, never.

Fuck, I fucking never use the word "fuck" in conversation. You'd have to be some kind of fucking moron to believe that I could be so fucking crude. Fuck sake, you're a fucking piece of work, you fucking know that, asking me all these stupid fucking questions about my fucking vocabulary. Besides, what the fuck's wrong with "fuck?" Fuck you, you fucking fucker.

When I was in Catholic school, I had to be more circumspect, of course. That's why I can swear in so many different languages. None of them match the pure ferocity of the Germanic "fuck" though. Rage, sex, taboo, and explosiveness, all in one little four-letter word.

Now, of course, I try to be more creative. Fuckstick, or cuntsock, or asshat, or "I don't give a flat, rate-adjusted fuck." May the testicles of a camel brush against your mother's upper lip. A thousand plagues of locusts infest your left ear. May you take a long journey on a short road. Or, when all else fails, "Hey, fuck you and yours, bitch!"