Asking For It

Advizor had a good question in the comments to the last post, and since I almost never get questions to answer, I thought I'd make a post of this one.

"But, I'll ask you a question that's been in my head all week. how do you ask for an orgasm when you don't really want "sex"? You don't want to make her feel "like a sex toy" but sometimes a little 'gasm is just what the doctor ordered? But how do you ask for it without sounding selfish?"

The simple answer is that I don't.  Not from Sveta.  While maybe at some point in the future we might get to the point, relationship-wise, where I don't feel like quid pro quo is necessary, I almost hope that we don't, because I can get myself off if all I want is an orgasm, and I don't feel loving asking her to do it for me.

That's not to say that we're always on equal footing when it comes to making each other cum.  There have been a few times when I've made her cum and not vice versa.  Usually I cum more times in a session than she does even if we're both getting off.  That's only natural; it's not a contest and we don't keep score, so there's no reason to count and make sure we're all even.  Plus the fact that it's much harder to get her off than it is to get me off, but correspondingly, her orgasms seem to make up for the lack of quantity by some increase in quality.

It's an issue with lesbian sex, at least for me.  Both partners have to do some work in order to get the other partner off, so if one partner isn't feeling it, that tends to make it a choice between the other partner doing all the work, or sex not happening.  There are undoubtedly lesbians and bi women out there who would disagree, but that's tended to be my experience.  I always feel a bit bad asking another woman to just get me off, when I can, as I said, do that myself, probably with less effort.

With men, on the other hand, it's totally different, for me anyway.  Some guys, it takes effort, but with a lot of them, I can let them do the driving and that's perfectly fine; they get off because I'm a warm wet opening that looks decent and will accept penetration.  Maybe it's a sign of creeping misandry in my make-up, but I feel like I can be satisfying to most guys without the same level of commitment.  Hell, guys have fucked me while I was basically asleep and enjoyed themselves, and I got nothing out of that other than a warm feeling, which is essentially all I put into it in the first place.

When I was younger, I used to have no problem asking Mike to get me off.  If he was available and I just wanted a nice orgasm to cure what ailed me, I'd find him in the house, snuggle up to him, and say, "Mikey, do you mind getting me off a little?"  Maybe not those exact words, but it was pretty much that simple.  Then I'd go lie back and he'd come over and fuck me, and I might possibly diddle myself to move things along.  Then once I came, he'd take over completely and do all the work until he came.  And part of the reason why that worked was because he knew that, if he really wanted to cum, he could ask me the same thing and I'd help him out and enjoy myself even if all he was doing was fucking me to get off (actually, sometimes he wouldn't ask, just ambush me and squirt, but that was him being a goof and I enjoyed it most times).  And I think another part of it was that I enjoy creampies too, so getting one works the same way as having a mental-health O.  Sometimes getting creamed makes me horny though, so then I wind up feeling better and wanting to keep fucking, which isn't a bad thing.

I've had similar arrangements with a few other guys, where it was understood that if one partner or the other was having a bad day and just needed an orgasm, the other partner wouldn't look to their own enjoyment so much (although again, in my experience it's easier for a guy to get off with a girl who's not into it than the other way 'round, so guys tend to make out slightly better on the deal with me).  But those arrangements were the exception, not the rule, and didn't tend to last all that long.  I suppose I could have the same arrangement with a woman, and I sort of did with Gwen, but that was more like with Sveta, where we don't necessarily count and try to even up the orgasm score.  And I've certainly taken advantage of people for a quick O, which I'm not proud of and I try hard not to do any more.  I wouldn't do that to someone I cared for.

I guess what it boils down to is that it's not just an orgasm, it's a connection.  An orgasm I can give myself, but Sveta wasn't interested in sex, she was interested in that connection.  If I had been up for the connection but hadn't given her an orgasm, that would have been okay for me, but since I wasn't up for the connection, who got orgasms is almost a secondary concern.

In summation, both partners not cumming or not necessarily bringing the same level of focus isn't the issue.  The issue is that both partners should commit to the connection, at least in cases where both partners are supposed to.  That's love, rather than sex.  And I let down the love side a bit.  I could have forced myself to give her an O, but that wouldn't have been what she wanted. 

Hope that scratches the surface of the question, even if it rambled a bit.  I love questions as interesting as this one, so keep them coming if you've got them.