TMI Fridge

From the archives:

What’s in your refrigerator (and freezer)?

1. Anything alcoholic? beer, wine, bottle of champagne?

Right now, some very old wine that friends left us and some beer.  We're not big drinkers.  I don't like wine, and Sveta rarely drinks it.  The beer was a gift, and we'll occasionally have some in the fridge for when we feel like a bottle, but that's rare.  I do most of my drinking when other people provide the booze, or hard liquor, which isn't in the fridge (and I don't drink much of that either; I have bottles from years ago in the cabinet).

2. Any guilty pleasures? Anything chocolate? Any ice cream?

Guilty pleasures in the fridge?  Does really old, really bad margarita mix count?  We have some chocolate hummus (it's actually pretty good, but it's more for Sveta than for me), but no ice cream.  We're trying to stay away from ice cream because we can finish off a carton in an evening, and that's not good.

3. Any really old bottles of condiments?

I can't list all of them.  So many.  So, so many.  Some are still okay, some we just haven't gotten around to throwing out.  A few from before we moved, I think.  Oy.  Lots of old salad dressing.

4. Frozen pizza? Other frozen quick dinners?

Shockingly, no.  Frozen pizza is more expensive than getting it from Little Caesars (and I won't hear anyone say anything against Little Caesars, the best pizza $5 can buy) and quick dinners are no match for my ability to whip up a quick meal from parts.  Plus I usually need to eat two or three of the damn things to feel like I've eaten anything at all.  Tiny portions.  No, I'm not a glutton; I usually only eat one meal a day and I like to to feel like I've actually consumed something.  I don't make deep-fried lard.  My meals are fairly healthy and well-balanced.  And better.  And probably cheaper too, when you factor things in.

5. Anything actually rotten or moldy?

There's usually a bag of things which we can't throw in the trash yet because they'll rot in the freezer (vegetable peels and meat packages and so forth), and I believe we have one very small thing of leftovers which has gone off completely and we're both avoiding cleaning.

6. What do you have in your fridge that the rest of us probably don’t?

I have no idea.  Lime pickle?  If I haven't eaten all of it already.  Chutney?  I probably have some esoteric condiment or other than most people don't, but we're fairly pedestrian.  We can't afford to eat many fun things and they usually get bought and made in the same day or so.

Bonus: In the novel Portnoy’s Complaint by Philip Roth, the main character, Alexander Portnoy, masturbates using a liver steak as well as a cored-out apple. Have you ever masturbated with food? What?

Ew.  Liver?  No, kids, that's a good way to get food poisoning.  Can your dick get food poisoning?  Anyway, there are plenty of things which won't give you germs to jerk it with.  As far as me, I've stuck various things in my vagina at various times, carrots and zucchini and the like, but I haven't done that in ages.  Frankly, it's not my fetish and there are better toys.

Bonus, bonus: We’re curious, how many phallic shaped foods are in your refrigerator?

I think we've got carrots in the fridge.  We don't refrigerate bananas.  We do eat sausage, and the last time we bought some it was one of those coils rather than individual links, so there are a few horse-cock-sized sausages in there.  And in the freezer some regular-sized ones.  Please do not masturbate with raw meat.  Or cooked meat for that matter.  Eat the sausage and find something less unpleasant with which to do your business.