TMI Tuesday

What is the weirdest place you have ever slept?

I once fell asleep on a pile of plywood in a quiet corner of a shop and pulled a piece of laminated hardboard over myself, partially to shield myself from anyone looking for me and partially like a blanket. That summer is not an experience I'm anxious to repeat.

Who is the weirdest person you have ever slept with, and why do you say this?

I mean, fucking my father or my siblings is pretty weird, but I wouldn't bat an eye. Let's see. The guy who was into My Little Pony was pretty weird. I'm not kink-shaming at all though, and he seemed pretty normal other than that. Oh, I once slept with a guy and a gal who were both super into each other and super into Ayn Rand. They didn't bathe regularly and never wore underwear and were weirdly physical with each other in public. Like, they acted like they were related, even though they weren't, at least to the best of my knowledge, but they acted like being related got them hot and bothered. I'm not sure how to describe it.

Suffice it to say that the sex was pretty weird too. I was totally the third wheel most of the time they were into each other, but they kept breaking away from each other and coming back to me like I was the last other person on Earth and they still had to maintain the ruse that even though they were brother and sister they totally weren't fucking each other, just happened to both be fucking me at the same time. I'm giving the vibe too much credit; it wasn't anything definite like that, or roleplay, anything really except that they were super into each other and then suddenly remembered I was there.

How did I wind up in this situation, you might ask? Well, I was younger and stupider, for one, plus it was early on in college and I was fucking everything that moved and showed an interest. Seriously, college was the first time I was legally able to fuck pretty much everyone I wanted, and my college didn't judge sluts the way my high school had, so I spent the first year or so of college fucking at the drop of a hat because it was almost simpler than masturbating and usually better.

Anyway, it took a few drinks and having been rejected by someone else, but I fucked them, and while I wouldn't do it again now, then, I was fine with it. They didn't smell bad, per se, just kind of musky. I didn't really get much chance to put my face in crotches or underarms where the smell might have been worse. They weren't dirty, just not clean. I don't know. It was pretty weird. That they had pot helped.

What do you think you do better than 90% of people?

Fuck? I mean, maybe not 90%, but I'm pretty good at it. Lots of practice.

Pick your next sexual encounter. Only pick one, then tell us why that is your choice.
a. Blindfolded during oral sex
b. Sex in a hot tub
c. Sex in an elevator
d. Phone sex
e. Bringing in a third party

Phone sex is out. Boring. I've had sex in an elevator and while it is extremely hot if you're into it, I'm feeling strangely self-conscious about public sex right at the moment. Hot tub sex is fine, I guess, but it's just sex in a bath, really. Blindfolding me during oral sex... meh? I mean, it concentrates the mind, but it's not so amazing. So I guess I'm going with a third party, even though that happens on the reg around here.

When could having sex with an ex be a good thing?

If you didn't break up but just stopped being a steady thing, sex is great with an ex. If you did break up because you wanted different things, but you still occasionally get together and fuck it out, also fine. A good thing? I don't know, are we talking healthy? Good for what?

Have you ever had sex in a public toilet?

With my brother, no less, and we got caught. I told this story ages ago, but suffice it to say that we were in a restaurant, couldn't keep it in his pants (not entirely his fault), adjourned to the restroom to bang, and the cook came in, took one look at us, decided he didn't want any part of it, and told us to get lost. I guess we were extremely lucking, in hindsight. We were old enough that he wouldn't immediately have assumed child abuse or something. I don't recall whether the sex we had afterward was more intense, but I can imagine it might have been. 

Other than that, yes I've fucked in public toilets on numerous occasions, some documented on this blog, some sadly lost to the mists of time.

Is car sex hot or not?

Hot but often awkward. Car sex sometimes presupposes that I'm so hot and bothered that I can't wait to get to a more convenient locale, in which case it's usually hot as fuck, but again, convenience and these old bones make it less and less likely to happen these days.

Would you rather have sex with someone who never showers or someone who never brushes their teeth?

Based on my story above, you'd think I'd go with never showers (they didn't never shower, they just didn't think constant bathing was good for the body), but honestly, I can fuck without kissing and I don't need to smell your breath if we're going at it. I'd prefer not to do either,obviously, but I can take a localized stench over a full-body smell.

Would you rather only have sex in the shower for the rest of your life or only have sex on the floor for the rest of your life?

The shower. I like shower sex, at least in my parents' shower. Floor sex is fine, if you bring cushions and such, but my knees prefer comfort.

Would you rather cry every time you had sex or burp every time someone kissed you?

I think I could rationalize the crying. I giggle a lot during sex, which weirds some people out (I'm sure I'd make someone's top of the list of weirdest people they've slept with) so crying, I could make work, I think. Burping is something I never do. And I don't mean that in the way some girls would say it; I fart with the best of them, sorry if that ruins your image of me. But I've never been able to force a burp, and while once in a blue moon I might involuntarily gurgle up some gas, I don't think I could handle burping every time someone kissed me. Plus it's kind of nasty. Crying during sex, especially if it was happy crying, is not gross. It's just a little odd.

Where would you rate yourself as a kisser on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the best kisser ever)?

I'm going to give myself a solid 8. I'm not the best ever, and I'm probably not the best of everyone I've ever kissed, but I do it fairly well. My tongue game is solid and my lips actually move when I kiss.I'm not a dead fish, and I'm not boring or prudish. I think I kiss about as well as I give head. Solid 8. But I think you should ask the people I've kissed how I rate. I'd be interested to know, actually.

After reflection, Sveta gave me an 8 too. She thinks my dad kisses better than I do, and she's pretty sure neither of us would make the best ever list, since there have been a lot of people alive to enter that competition.

TMI Tuesday

Are women natural seducers or are men?

I'm not sure anyone is a natural seducer, but I think women have the edge in certain situations. Men think with their cocks a lot, and if they're doing that, a woman can definitely seduce them more easily than if a woman is horny and there's a guy around. But I'm not sure that's a fair comparison. I don't think either do as well as we'd like to think.

Which of the following statements most closely matches your sexual attitude?
a. Sex is best when you focus on your own pleasure.
b. Sex is best when I can totally meld with my partner and feel as one.
c. Sex is best when the purpose is that of conceiving a child.
d. Sex is just a behavior; don’t put too much importance on the act, just do it the way you like and need.

B and D. Sex is best when there's a meeting of minds, but it's just a behavior too.

Do you need to feel emotionally connected to enjoy sex with another person?

Absolutely not. Does it help make sex better? Sure. But I can fuck a total stranger with whom I've said nothing more than, "You wanna fuck?" and get off just fine thank you.

Are you allowed to be sexual? Explain.

So I chose this one because I feel like, as I get older (and brother am I getting older by the second) I'm less allowed to be sexual by society. I'm not letting that stop me, of course, but it sometimes seems like women in general, and older women in particular, are punished for being sexual. I've never stopped because of that, but I wish we lived in a society where that wasn't the case.

Agree or Disagree. Sex without love is meaningless.

Strongly disagree. Sex without love is a lot of fun. Fun isn't meaningless. Love without sex is fine too. I think we need to stop conflating sex and love; they're two different things.

Conventional wisdom (but not research) says that women value monogamy more than men. Is this true for you?

Hahahahahaha*choke gasp*hahahahahaha.

Agree or Disagree. If people want to have more than one spouse they should be allowed to do that.

Strongly agree. I think we need to move past the idea that marriage is between one person and one other person. Hell, I think you should be able to enter into a marriage contract with anything capable of giving consent to such a thing. It's a legal binding, nothing more. That said, I also think that marriage as a more spiritual thing should be allowed to be between any number of people of any number of genders.

Do you believe in ethical non-monogamy?

I live it. As long as your partner is okay with it and you follow whatever rules there happen to be in your relationship, I don't see why anyone has to get hurt. People, unfortunately, do get hurt, so it's important to stress that that's not a product of ethical non-monogamy being unable to apply in the real world, but a product of the real world being difficult.

Is polyamory something you want?

I live it. Right now I don't want to live in the lesbian commune that fate seems bound and determined to force me into (yes, I know, complaining about paradise) but I love more than one person, even if I don't live with them.

Do you wish that your ethical non-monogamy was a societal/cultural norm?

Holy shit yes. If for no other reason than that it would make things easier for me. But it would also make things easier for everyone else. I think, though, that for that to happen, more than just ethical non-monogamy would have to be in place. Sex would have to be totally different, baggage-wise and culturally, in order for my particular brand of ethical non-monogamy to take hold.

If you are in or have been in an open sexual relationship, what are the best bits?

Sharing my wife with others. Honestly, I couldn't give up being able to fuck who I want, but the best part is being with the woman I love and with someone else that we both want.

Describe what your ideal intimate and/or sexual relationship would look like today.

I'm pretty sure I've got it, so just read the blog about how my relationship with Sveta works. I'm a lucky gal in many ways.

TMI Tuesday

Were you ever afraid to masturbate?

I'm not sure if "afraid" is the right word, but back when I first started dating someone who shall remain nameless, I thought that he thought that I was pure, virginal as the driven snow, and okay maybe not that but I was nervous about masturbating when I was at his place. I needn't have worried, as it turns out, but it was a bit like starting out living with someone and being afraid to use the bathroom when they're around: yes, we all do it, but we don't have to admit it.

If you had to choose between licking chocolate from your partner’s genitals or taking tequila shots from their navel, which would you choose and why?

The chocolate. I can't really drink anymore for various reasons, but I think my answer would always have been chocolate.

What is a current sexual food fantasy of yours?

It's not a fantasy, but a fun thing about candy cane season is being able to eat Sveta out with mint on my tongue. She gets so flinchy and giggly, it's adorable. I enjoy it when she does it to me, but I can't judge my own adorableness.

What is the craziest food you’ve eaten while fucking?

Craziest? I've eaten plenty of things while fucking. Some people would probably call eating one's morning breakfast cereal while being railed from behind by one's father because he woke up horny and he's got to get off before you're both late for work and school, respectively, pretty crazy, but I maintain that it would be crazy no matter what I was eating.

One time I ate ribs in just panties because I was wearing a very nice dress and I didn't want to get it messy and then I wound up fucking this guy at the picnic with sauce still on my hands, so he wound up with sauce all over his back. Fortunately we were near a creek, so washing up wasn't an issue. And even more fortunately his sister was curious, so I got to have her too. They weren't fucking, but he watched me take his sister downtown repeatedly while eating another rib. At a certain point he got up and pressed into me from behind while I kept my face pressed into his sister's cunt so she wouldn't get weirded out and want to stop.

I guess that was kind of crazy, but also what we were eating was kind of crazy. I was a little pissed that she wouldn't get a chance to taste me because his cum was dripping out of my pussy and it seemed like that might be a bridge too far. I don't think they ever hooked up, but I lost touch with them years and years ago, so who knows, maybe they finally did. They were both out of my league, really, but you'd be surprised what being willing to eat ribs in the alltogether will net you, as far as sexual partners go.

Favorite form of adult pajamas: Kimono, soft pant, romper or Winnie-the-pooh style?

Kimonos are the most fun to see others in. Me, I'm a soft lounge pants/sports bra kind of gal. That's my go-to if I'm going to be slumbering around others with whom I'm not intending to be naked. I might sub a shirt of some kind for the bra if I'm really trying to cover up.

What was your most memorable sexual experience in a car?

Again, superlatives are what you get when you don't ask me real questions. I'll just think of a memorable experience and if I've answered this question or told another story before, you can judge which was better.

I think the first time I gave road head while the guy was driving was pretty memorable, but that was because he came but didn't get soft. I've had a few experiences like that; the guy might not be ready to go again for a bit, but he stays hard after cumming. I think the excitement of the whole thing just throttled him up immensely. I got a nice healthy shot of cum on my tongue, then he drove the rest of the way to his apartment with his cock raging hard and sticking out of his pants, then we adjourned indoors (he did put his monster away before exiting the vehicle, even though it was dark) and he fucked me like he wanted to make sure I couldn't walk the next day. Great sex, absolutely stellar. But not in the car, so I'm not sure if it counts.

The first time I got road head while driving was pretty memorable too. It started out as road fingering, because we were looking for a secluded spot to lose some clothing but had already struck out in two spots, so my panties were somewhere in the back seat and I was so ready to go, and she was extremely persuasive, telling me, "Oh, you'll be able to concentrate on driving, I'm just going to stroke you a little, nothing much." Yeah, when she pulled her fingers out and licked them off, I just wanted to drive off the road right there, but we were on the interstate at that point and I couldn't do much of anything when she grinned and flipped my skirt up so she could get her head between my legs. It wasn't much, really, and I could have stopped her at any time by closing my knees a little, but I was getting so wet and I was younger and stupider. She couldn't get me off that way, just didn't have the angle right, but my God she could keep me close to the brink.

We finally found a parking lot by an abandoned filling station where there were cars going by on the road nearby but we were secluded enough and at that point I needed to cum so bad I was practically grinding my pussy against the car seat. The back seat was cluttered with clothing and body parts, and it was awkward and probably less fun than it would have been had we just found a bed somewhere, but at the same time every time a car went by she would pop up topless and wave and make me pull her back down to me, which increased the exhibition level to the red line.

Needless to say, this was a story about Sheri and me. We shouldn't be allowed to travel together, I guess.

Have you ever had sex when you suspected security cameras might be present but the passion was too hot to stop or care about being caught on video?

Well, I told a story featuring security cameras recently here but I managed to keep the passion to a minimum until we found a place where the cameras couldn't see. I've fucked in places which were probably under surveillance before, but nothing really stands out. I'm sure there's security footage of me doing the nasty because I didn't care. Maybe you've seen it online. If you have, let me know. I'd like to see it so I can try to work out when it happened, the context, etc.

Have you ever had sex knowing full well you were being filmed or pics were being taken?

After I found out that Kate's ex-husband was filming the two of us every time we hooked up, I kept doing it. That counts, I guess. I've also had sex while being filmed or photographed, which is where I've gotten some of the pictures I've shared on this blog.

When it comes to sex, to which do you most relate–being an exhibitionist or a voyeur?

Weirdly for someone who is as okay with having sex in front of people as I am, I'm also a huge voyeur, and I think I might enjoy that more, at least as far as porn is concerned. Watching in person just makes me want to join in. So I don't know. Both? Both is good.

Have you ever sneakily or overtly filmed or taken pics of others having sex? What did you do with the evidence?

I've done it overtly because that's what we were doing. I've never done it covertly that I can recall. That's a little sketchy, even for me. I'll watch others, sure (all the damn time) but recording it seems like crossing a line of consent.

The evidence is currently being housed in a crate next to the Ark of the Covenant.

Hot or not–having sex in front of people?

Extremely hot. Not as hot recently because I'm not feeling good about my body so I'm self-conscious, but it has been extremely hot.

Which part of your body do you think is the most sexy?

Right now, probably my ass. I'm not an ass man, but my ass is probably the nicest thing to have gained a little curve during the Quarantimes.

Which part of your partner’s body do you find the most sexy. What was the time you first saw it like?

This is cliché but Sveta has the most beautiful pussy, it gets swollen with arousal but remains cute and pink and tasty. The first time I saw it I wanted to be the guy who was going to fuck her that day. Lucky for me, I lasted and he didn't, and now I get to see it whenever I want.

Are you a fan of lingerie on yourself? Or on someone else?

I'm a fan of both, although I stretch the definition of lingerie. Lingerie on men I can take or leave, but on women, including yours truly, yes please.

Would you rather listen to a sexy voice telling you what is happening or watch a sex scene on mute?

I like sound. A good sexy voice can get me off, which is odd because I don't care for phone sex, really. But a well-narrated sex scene is probably sexier, on the whole, than a silent but visually pleasing one. I don't know though. I like pictures with my sound.

Tell us about a time you experimented with a fantasy and it did not go according to plan.

One of the first times I tried to drink piss (I don't know if it was the first first) I choked and almost vomited and that turned me off of it for a bit. It wasn't anything about the situation, it just went down the wrong pipe by accident. Definitely not according to plan.

What Sveta and I Did for Two Years

TT asked me what Sveta and I did for the past two years, and while I probably glossed over that in some past post, I figured why not, I'll do an inventory.

We mostly stayed at home until much more recently. Now I'm back at work so it's been an adjustment not being together as much. Still, being able to see friends has helped.

But I know you're not asking about whether we took up breadmaking. Honestly, I didn't do any breadmaking at all, though I did polish some culinary skills.

My operation to fix my lady-parts issues by removing some of those parts was only about a month before everything went to shit and we were locked down, so I was still recovering from that when the Quarantimes hit. Which you might think meant that I was laid up and unable to get laid, but while I was very nervous about exploring my own boundaries, being "stuck" at home with Sveta with nothing to do meant that I explored hers plenty. She got so many orgasms that first month, when we weren't sure how long it would last and were making up for all kinds of lost time.

I finally got over the mental stuff that had been keeping me from letting her really work me out over the summer of 2020, and though our pace had somewhat slowed down because it was clear by then that we were in it for the long haul, we still had plenty of fun. We really got into tribbing, or scissoring, or whatever you want to call it, and that's been a real added spice to our lovemaking routine. Up to that point I'd never really gotten the appeal, but when I was still a little worried about penetration (because of stitches and also because I was convinced that it would hurt and prove that I wasn't better after all) Sveta suggested we try it.

We started using a vibe between us, with the business end in her and the vibrations against my clit, which worked okay but wasn't what I'd really call tribbing. Then one day we were just fooling around, making out lazily, and my thigh got between her legs and her thigh got between mine and we started, for lack of a better word, humping each other (I know, it sounds so sexy) and both of us really liked that. It's the body contact that you get from it, I think, that does it for us. We can get really close to one another, feel our breasts pressed together, kiss, stroke, the whole thing.

Anyway, once we were doing that, we tried some other things until we wound up being able to press our pussies together in a position which looks really awkward I'm sure but lets us hug and trib and finger, and that's what we've been doing ever since, although now that penetration is back on the menu we do plenty of double dil and strapon stuff too, to say nothing of oral. In fact, oral is probably what happens most often, but we still enjoy other positions, and since we're at awkward heights to 69, tribbing is the best way for that full-body contact to happen.

What else? We did order a double dil online. I support brick and mortar whenever possible but our old one was getting a little floppy and at that point we were reasonably flush (again, not knowing how long we'd both be out of work) so we went ahead and got one. He's bigger than our old one, with nice knobby bits that feel good inside.

I got more into eating ass. I'm still not super into it, but Sveta loves the feeling, and I wanted her to try out her ass more, so I swallowed my hangups and went for it. It helps that her ass smells okay. Yes, I know, she's perfect, farts rainbows, doesn't sweat, all that. I love her. What can I say? I still haven't tossed a boy's salad, but I've done a few girls other than Sveta and I can say with certainty that I prefer doing it to her. I don't get much from it so she doesn't do it to me unless toys or fingers are also involved, but she has no problem with it. I think it's the youth of today. Apparently not eating ass is a cardinal sin for the Zoomer.

We tried a little watersports, which I think I'm more into than Sveta is. She doesn't love the taste, but she's totally fine with pressing our pussies together and peeing on each other, which is fine by me since I've kind of lost the taste for it myself. We haven't done that in a while. Just haven't been in the mood.

Since things opened up more, Sveta and I shared Zoe regularly. Once we were all vaccinated she was our first visitor. This was when she still supposedly had a girlfriend. I guess, actually, it's not right to say that Sveta and I shared Zoe. Sveta and Zoe shared me. That's a whole other can of worms.

We've seen Kate and Liam a few times. I haven't written about all of them. I can start if someone wants me to.

We've also seen my family and hers a few times since vaccinations. Mostly non-sexy stuff. 100% not sexy with her family, and with mine it's been getting takeout, mostly. Sex may have happened but it was incidental to the occasion, which is, as I've said, how my family rolls.

Other than that, it was a lot of cooking shows, a fair amount of me driving Sveta out into the countryside so she didn't have to be cooped up in the house all day, some weight gain, and then false hopes dashed repeatedly. You didn't come here to read about the mundane details.

Anyway, thanks TT for asking a question; I hope that was a sufficient response. You can ask questions too. Just comment or email me at lexinaughtygirly[AT]gmail.com.

TMI Tuesday

Should we be worried about sex robots?

That depends on why we're worried. If you, like me, worry about consent, we should worry about where the line is drawn. At what point does a robot become aware enough that it must give consent? Is that point before the point where it becomes capable of giving consent? But if we're talking about the robots of today, I'm not any more worried about them than I am about sex dolls, which is to say, I'm not worried about them.

A humanoid (a life-like robot) that looks like your biggest crush, and acts exactly the way you hoped your crush would act has been created. This humanoid initiates sex, with you. Would you have sex with the humanoid?

If we're living in a world where robots are allowed to consent to sex, I wonder whether this would ever be an issue. If somehow this robot is programmed to imitate my biggest crush (I don't know who that would be, not because I don't crush on anyone but because there are a few and I don't know if I can rank them, so let's just say it's a Jason Momoa bot) but has also been programmed to be into me in a way which my biggest crush wouldn't be (I'm pretty sure Jason and I could get along, but he's married and seems nice, so I wouldn't push it) can that robot really be said to have given consent?

But assuming all other things are equal, that somehow Jason Momoa bot is sentient and capable of consenting, and that there's no other hitch, sure, I'd fuck a robot if it wanted to.

What’s your typical sleep attire?

Nudity. Sometimes I wear underwear to bed, but usually I'm naked. Not mostly because of a romantic agenda, though that does feature in the calculus, but because I sleep hot.

What is the most cringe-worthy thing you have experienced in the bedroom?

Superlatives are hard, and I'm pretty sure I've talked about some cringe stuff before, so I'll dredge up another memory and while it may not be the most cringe, it'll be a contender, I guess. This is what you get when I have to answer generic questions.

Ooh, I remember this time I was hot and heavy with a guy, we were making out on his bed, I went to touch the goods, and he pulled away and asked me, in total seriousness, why I wasn't saving myself for marriage. Like, full-on youth pastor mode. Shockingly, this was not a guy from my Catholic high school, he was just some guy I met in college who turned out to be some degree of Protestant where purity pledges were a thing.

What made it particularly good was that he had been fingering me through my panties previously. I don't know what flipped the switch. Was he afraid that if I got my hands on his massive tool (word choice intentional) I wouldn't be able to resist Satan? Seriously folks, teach your sons better behavior.

However, when I got rather cold feet about the whole experience, he softened (not literally; I could see it in his pants that he was still raring to go, oddly enough) his stance and admitted that maybe it would be okay if I gave him a blowjob. I told him that no way I was going to let him get his jollies without me getting mine, and when I made it clear that I was serious, he got snippy and kicked me out because I was a heathen or some such.

I don't know that that was the most cringe, but it really made me reconsider my options for the evening, which was a shame because up until that point he was totally going to get rocked seventeen ways to Sunday.

Are you satisfied with the amount of after-sex affection (e.g., spooning, cuddling, intimate conversation) you receive? yes or no . If no, how could it be better?

Between Sveta and me, absolutely. We like basking in the afterglow a lot. Hell, the endorphins I get from just feeling her body against mine as our breathing slowly goes back to normal are enough, let alone any cuddling we might do post-coitally.

On average with any random partner, right now, yes, I'm fine, because like I have said before, I've been wanting it hard, fast, and rough. I don't necessarily want to snuggle afterward. In the balance over my entire career, this is a total speculation and also very stereotypical, but I think I've been more satisfied with the after-sex attention of the ladies than the gentlemen in my life. Girls like to cuddle more, I guess. But I've had plenty of cuddly guys. I don't know. I'm pretty satisfied all around.

Which is worse–smelly feet or smelly breath?

Breath by a country mile. I'm not into feet, so if they stink I can keep clear of them.

Beard or Moustache? Why?

I like the look of a full beard better than a mustache in most men (Tom Selleck being the exception) and mustaches often make guys look like '80s porn stars or some such. In sexual partners though, I might have to give the edge to the mustache, provided the shave on the chin wasn't stubbly. Mustaches tickle the right areas. Beards have the same tickle but they then have the problem of irritating the inner thighs. But I'm not going to turn down a guy with a beard at all. This is like comparing chocolate to another kind of chocolate: both fine, one might be slightly better than the other.

How often do you use pornography?

All the damn time. You should know this about me by now. I pressure the pink petals to porn almost exclusively.

Do you feel your religion restricts sexual behavior?

Hell no. I'm not terrible religious, but my spirituality or faith or whatever you want to call it loves sex, thinks sex is holy, etc. I wouldn't belong to a religion which didn't think sex was great.

Is your participation in sex, of any kind, tempered because of your own religious beliefs?

Again, not at all. If anything, my faith makes me want to give pleasure to others sexually in whatever ways I can.

Can you be kinky and practice religion?

Well, the guy in my cringe story obviously could, but maybe that was cognitive dissonance. I think you can. Kinks are just kinks. Maybe your religion forbids some of them, but you can't outlaw all kinks and have people having sex. People can have kinks for P-in-V missionary with their spouses.

I guess it depends on what one means by "practice religion." And what one means by "kink." I'm sure that the fundies don't think you can be kinky and religious, but that's because they're so uptight about sex. And if you don't think that there are kinky fundamentalist men who get off on controlling their wives, on repeatedly impregnating them, on basically having a D/s relationship with women, think again.

Religion can talk about sex. I'll even accept religion legislating the morality of certain sexual acts. It's not for me, but I don't think it's wrong with a capital R to believe that you shouldn't have sex outside of marriage. I think it's sad, and maybe misguided, but I don't think it has to be harmful. It usually is, but it doesn't have to be. But just as keeping Kosher isn't for me and I don't think it's harmful, so religion can forbid certain sexual activities and I don't necessarily think that's harmful either. Where it becomes harmful is when you start applying those prohibitions to people not of your religion, or believing that those prohibitions are the only way to be. I'm very live and let live about sex. If you only have sex with your spouse, and your spouse is okay with that, good for you both, have fun, whatever. Start telling me what I can and can't do, and then we have problems.

When You've Got It

I am not a smooth operator. I promise, I may sometimes seem like I am, but I'm not. I edit out a lot of awkwardness in my stories mostly because it's just fluff that gets in the way of good smut, but also because, well, I'm vain and I like to seem like I'm more of a smooth operator than I am.

So when I tell this story, understand that.

The other day I was at work. It was a jazz band with a vocalist who happened to be a reasonably attractive young woman. I wasn't really doing anything with that information because she wasn't wearing anything particularly provocative and anyway I've been tired. They were rehearsing for the concert, and I was sitting in the booth and reading a book. And suddenly I was struck with this intense need to pee. Like, I know women have the reputation for being incontinent, but I'm usually able to hold my water, and this was like a 17-alarm fire.

I excused myself (my boss was in the booth too because hey, God wants me to have supervision) and waddled down to the dressing room because I wasn't sure I was going to make it anywhere else. They were all on stage, or so I thought, so it didn't seem like I was going to bust in on anyone.

Long story short, I managed to bust in on the singer changing into her concert dress. And by that, I mean that she was wearing next to nothing when I crashed through the door. Imagine my chagrin. Imagine, further, that I was about ten seconds away from pissing myself in front of this half-naked, more attractive than she had been clothed, girl. I apologized hurriedly and ran through into the bathroom.

Cue that scene from Austin Powers. You know the one. He's just been awakened from cryo-sleep and he pees for a good solid minute and a half. Yeah, that was me. I have no idea where it all came from. So yeah, that was nice. Didn't at all contribute to my utter awkwardness one bit.

I finished up, washed my hands, trying to take as long as possible, then finally had to ask, through the closed bathroom door, "Is it safe to come out now?"

She said it was. I was, in the back of my mind where I'm an utter perv, slightly disappointed. She had looked very nice, much nicer in underwear than in anything else. But when I emerged, beet-red still, she was wearing a very nice gown that showed off her figure without showing it off the way my perv-lizard-brain would have liked.

"I'm so, so sorry," I said, not able to meet her eye.

"It's really okay," she said, with admirable poise and magnanimity. "Just, next time, you know, buy a lady dinner first."

Now I said at the top I'm not a smooth operator. This was a setup laid down by the gods though. "I'd be happy to do that retroactively," I blurted out. I have no idea where it came from. Maybe I really am a smooth operator and I'm just too in my head about it. Honestly, that's probably true. In some instances I have been known to be very smooth. I just wish I could predict it.

She gave me a look. "Okay, after the concert you can take me to get something. I'm starving but I'm not eating before I wear this dress on stage."

Well hello. I'd like to say that I reacted to this reversal of fortune with the same poise and magnanimity, but I think I stammered something about it being a date and then hightailed it out of there like I had just farted in a crowded elevator and we'd reached my floor. Smooth, that's me.

I think I might have paid more attention to her microphone levels during the concert than I otherwise do, but that's not to say that I don't always give the same level of service to every person who takes the stage at my workplace, no matter okay who am I kidding I paid more attention and I usually don't give two shits as long as it's audible. Also, I resisted the urge to ask my boss to pinch me. He didn't even comment on my remaining blush when I came back. It was the dim lighting, I guess.

Afterward she didn't say anything to me for quite some time. I figured, okay, she's thought better of it. She was seeing friends in the audience and I was having to tear down the setup, so my mood soured a little and I wrote it off as wishful thinking on my part. And then when everyone else had gone except my boss and me, I saw her standing in the wings watching me work. She looked... approving? I don't know, she just seemed like she didn't mind waiting.

My boss was itching to go home and I was itching to go elsewhere, even if elsewhere wound up being dinner and awkward conversation and then driving home and bashing my head against the wall repeatedly for thinking anything could happen. I mean, it's not a spoiler alert to say that something happened, because I wouldn't bother telling the story, but at the time I didn't know that.

"I'll meet you outside," she said when she caught my attention. My boss is no fool, but he's totally fine with me getting some (because God may want me to be supervised but She also loves a lover, I guess), so he just gave me a grin, said, "I'll see you tomorrow," and let me clock out without comment.

The singer needs a name, so let's call her Gia. Gia was waiting outside as promised. "Shall we take two cars? Where do you want to go? Um..." Something like that, but somehow less put-together, escaped my lips.

"You can drive me back here, right?" Gia said. See, poised, magnanimous.

"I'll drive you home if you like." That's me, telling basically a stranger that I'll happily make them leave their car in the parking lot of my workplace so I can find out where they live.

"Okay."

"Oh, but you probably need to get your car..."

"It's no problem. I can get it tomorrow."

At this point you might be thinking that she was coming on to me, and if she was, she was doing it in the most subtle way I've ever seen. Nothing she said sounded like she was trying to communicate lust. It just seemed like she was being nice. Poised. Magnanimous. I chose those words almost randomly as I was writing this story, and yet they really do work.

Anyway, you don't need to hear too much about dinner. I found out she was between boyfriends, that she was bi, and that I could manage not to say anything too awkward about how nice she looked almost naked. Yes, I do have some restraint. I managed to compliment her choice in underwear as things wore on, and she even blushed a little, which would have terrified me but things were going fairly well at that point. I paid the check because I'd said I would, even though she tried really hard not to let me, saying it was just a joke, that she could pay for hers, etc. What can I say? I'm not an old-fashioned man.

Then I drove her home, and it seemed perfectly natural for her to give me a goodnight kiss, which I'm afraid I returned rather enthusiastically, which made her enthusiasm ramp up, and pretty soon she basically had to invite me in, breathlessly I fear. Once we got into her tiny little apartment, she responded with a cute little nod when I asked her if I could kiss her again, and we did that for a while, just kissing. Her hands stayed well above the equator, so I tempered my expectations, but I also tried to move slowly.

When Gia admitted that her bisexuality was mostly theoretical, I can't say I was surprised, but while stumbling into dressing rooms on the verge of pissing my pants is not my element, intimate situations like this are definitely my element, so I slowed to a crawl and told her that I was in no hurry and if she just wanted to leave things as they were I was totally cool with that.

When I say that her response being, "No, I kinda want to show you my underwear again," was the sexiest thing, maybe you'll understand just how sexy enthusiastic consent is. No, there's no way to capture in words the way she nibbled her bottom lip a little and her eyes lit up, but trust me when I say that she wanted more, and that's a huge aphrodisiac.

"If I'd known I'd be showing mine off, I would have worn something more interesting," I said by way of diffusing the tension. She laughed. Honestly, it was the first time she'd really laughed, and it was worth waiting for. She had a gorgeous voice (which I told her during dinner) and her laugh was low and musical.

"God, I was so nervous that you were joking," she said.

"Are you kidding? I thought you were probably joking and I'd made a huge mistake," I said.

"I wasn't, and you didn't," she said.

Things proceeded pretty smoothly after that until it was time for the bras to come off. Well, mine was off because I wasn't nervous at all, but Gia was, though she liked being stroked through the fabric. She had pale tan skin, dark soulful eyes, a very nice package even just considering the parts you ordinarily see, and her hips have a nice curve, complimented by small but perky breasts. She finally giggled and pulled off her bra, and her nipples were just begging to be kissed, so I did that for a while. Longer than a while, actually.

"God, you're getting me so hot," she said, and I guess she threw her inhibitions out the window because she was out of her panties and lying back, legs spread, begging me to eat her out. Her pussy was bigger than I expected, full and plump, with delicate little tan lips that peaked out from her pubis. Very tasty, and though she had explained at a certain point that she was dying for it, she was pleasantly easy to get off the first time, and she didn't push me away until I'd raised some hairs on the back of her neck.

Then I moved up and kissed her. I find that's often best, when it comes to neophyte lesbians. If they don't mind tasting their own pussy on my lips, they won't have a problem with tasting my pussy. She seemed to be interested in sucking my nipples, and then she got her hand between my legs and started rubbing at my still-covered slit until I had soaked my panties with desire.

"Forgive me if I'm no good at it," she said, but it wasn't like she was nervous, just wanting to make sure I understood.

"You're doing fine." Encouragement is key.

She pulled my panties off and we had a bit of awkwardness trying to readjust our positions on her tiny little bed, but we managed it. I'll leave out all her compliments of me. Suffice to say that she was enthralled by my pussy. With a little guiding influence she settled into basic but serviceable cunt-licking, even getting a finger involved. I came and begged her not to stop and came again, bigger this time.

Then we spent a fair amount of time just snuggled up and making out, body to body. Finally Gia looked at the clock and sighed. "I've got work really early tomorrow. I don't want to kick you out if you want to sleep here..."

"Let me get you off one more time before I go," I said. Always leave them in the afterglow if you can.

She wasn't hard to convince. "You eat pussy better than any guy I've ever dated," she said, which I include not to toot my own horn but to decry the sad state of male cunnilingus in this day and age. I was already back between her legs, giving her a little workout with two fingers arching up into the roof of her vagina, stroking and licking her clit with my tongue. A nice sized clit, pretty sensitive but ready to play. I enjoyed her. She enjoyed me.

Afterward, I was super tempted to spend the rest of the night there, but it didn't seem fair. We exchanged numbers even though we had both been fairly clear at the outset that she wasn't looking for a long-term commitment. Maybe fuck-buddies? I can deal with that. She's not that far from where I work. Maybe she just wants some companionship until she finds her next boyfriend.

Then I left, drove home, and told a drowsy Sveta all about it. She was a little jealous that I got all the girls. I have no idea how. This story should have ended up totally differently. I would absolutely love to coach Gia through some more advanced sapphic wanderings though, if she's up for it, and Sveta could certainly be involved at some point. Who knows?

I promise I'm not establishing a lesbian commune. Things just happen to me sometimes, and then I share them with you all. When you've got it, share it.

1000

Holy shit, one thousand posts. About 500 ones worth reading, probably. About 250 that are really sexy and not just mildly. About 100 that people have seen enough times to make me feel like I might have done something good with this blog after all these years.

I don't really know what to do for a thousand posts. All my other milestones have been pictorial, but that doesn't seem like it's good enough for the big 1K. So I'm going to share a little picture, but also I'm going to say that we'll be celebrating 1000 posts for a bit, and if you've got any suggestions, please let me know in the comments or by email.

Without further ado, here's to 1000 in the can and in the snatch!

Taboos

 An anonymous reader has kindly asked me a question, which doesn't bring up any memories but is a good question nonetheless. I hope you'll all allow me to ruminate on it in blog form.

"Is it more interesting -- or sexier? -- to live in a world without taboos, where everything is permissible (and there's no shame in desiring what we desire, so long as everyone is consenting)? OR, does the presence of taboos add to the sexiness of breaking them?"

It's actually a number of questions rolled into one, which is nice and indicative of a question worth considering.

First, is a world without any taboos possible? I'm not talking likely, I'm talking possible. I'd posit that no, it isn't. Why? Well, I think taboos are in our very nature as humans. There are always going to be things we regard as beyond the pale, both individually and as a society. I'd argue that if taboos didn't exist, we'd have to create them because, "Everything is permissible," just won't work.

The questioner even presupposes a perfectly reasonable limit which is "consent." Now personally I agree 100% with this limit, and that's about where my limits are, but I worry that if the only limits were "consent" then people who get off on violating the rules would have to break that one. I don't know. Still, I think that there will always be limits to what is acceptable, sexually and otherwise.

But let's say, instead of, "Everything is permissible," we go with, "No sexual activity which involves the consent of all parties involved is taboo." Even leaving aside the idea that public sex would still be taboo unless you had the consent of everyone who was going to come into contact with it, there may be no societal taboos, but each individual would certainly be their own judge as to what they would consent to, thus making the most prudish person in the room the adjudicator of what is and isn't taboo while they're around. Obviously that's currently true, and if there were no societal norms prohibiting sexual activities, then many people would become less prudish, but still, the taboos would be there.

I'm trying not to write a philosophical treatise on this question, so lets get to the fucking: would I find it more sexy if there were no taboos? On the surface, for someone like me who does in fact get off a little on things being taboo, I wonder if that would be less exciting. But on the other hand, I'm a giant fan of sex as a perfectly ordinary activity that doesn't raise any more eyebrows than eating or sleeping. I think fucking while doing other things is sexy as hell, honestly. So there's that part of me in the mix too.

What it boils down to is "interesting," actually. I think a world with no taboos is more interesting than one with taboos because we could expand the boundaries of sexual activity. And there's nothing which says that one can't artificially impose limits on a limitless situation in order to benefit from the conditions limits bring.

I think part of the difficulty in answering this question is a lack of imagination on my part. I have a difficult time imagining a world where there are no taboos so I can't see the benefits to that situation. As far as it being more or less sexy than the current taboo situation, I think it might be an apples/oranges comparison. It's sexy in a different way. As far as it being more interesting, something beyond my scope of imagination would have to be pretty interesting, or else I'd be able to imagine it. That's my thinking, anyway.

At the end of the day, I wish we had fewer taboos not because it would be more or less sexy or interesting but because it would be better for the world. A world in which we don't have the taboos against talking about sex means a world where children are safer (despite my own upbringing, I'm not necessarily recommending that every child be raised my way, but I do think that sex ed is vital to the safety of children as well as their future happiness) and where adults are happier because they can talk about an activity which is literally vital to the continuance of the species. Couples would be happier, for one. And there are other taboos which if we did away with them, we'd see a similar increase in happiness and safety for everyone.

Who am I to let my kink for violating the rules get in the way of increased human happiness and safety?

I hope that was at least a mildly interesting answer to the question. If you didn't care for it, ask me your own question which will hopefully inspire a response you're more into. Comments or emails are the best way to ask such questions.

TMI Tuesday

Would you rather have one nipple or two belly buttons?

I think two belly buttons could be cute, but then I think belly buttons are cute. On my I'm not sure they would be, but I have a mild erogenous zone in my belly button so increasing the count would probably just increase my enjoyment of it. Only one nipple would reduce rather than increase the possibilities. This is nothing against folks who, for whatever reason, don't have nipples.

Would you rather have sex in a cave frequented by tourists or sex in a tree house in your parents’ backyard?

Tourist cave sex sounds naughty and exciting. Treehouse sex sounds okay. But despite what you'd think, I could still get off on it being in my parents' backyard because maybe I could fantasize about doing something they wouldn't approve of. Still, tourist cave sex wins.

In the bedroom, what makes you insecure?

My flubber. I'm not as slim as I was before COVID hit, I'm afraid. Also I'm old. I feel mildly insecure about how I look.

In the bedroom, what makes you a champion?

My mouth. I can do the most things with it.

At the sexolympics, in which sport will you compete?

Probably mixed triples oral. I'd have to get both a penis and a vagina off using only my mouth. I could do that with flair I think.

What kind of fidelity (being faithful) is more important to you?

Emotional. The physical stuff has never really mattered to me.

What is your go to euphemism for sexual intercourse?

I like the Horizontal Mambo. That's probably not my go-to; my go-to is probably "the nasty" or something similar, but that's only if I can't just call it fucking.

Are you better at starting or destroying relationships? Why do you think this?

Starting. Don't get me wrong, I've destroyed some too, but I'm much better at starting than continuing relationships.

What is the best thing that a woman can do to you in bed?

How often do you think about sex?

Constantly sometimes, and then sometimes I'll be busy and not at all, and sometimes I'll be busy and it'll distract me, and sometimes I'll be totally bored and not thinking about sex one iota. I'm a woman of many layers.

If someone called you ‘sexy,’ what would you do?

Thank them?

Are you comfortable with your body?

Not really. As mentioned above, I'm insecure about it. 

Please, for the love of all things holy, send me some actual questions. I feel like I'm answering the same two questions over and over again. You can email me, or comment, or whatever.