TMI Tuesday

What is the weirdest place you have ever slept?

I once fell asleep on a pile of plywood in a quiet corner of a shop and pulled a piece of laminated hardboard over myself, partially to shield myself from anyone looking for me and partially like a blanket. That summer is not an experience I'm anxious to repeat.

Who is the weirdest person you have ever slept with, and why do you say this?

I mean, fucking my father or my siblings is pretty weird, but I wouldn't bat an eye. Let's see. The guy who was into My Little Pony was pretty weird. I'm not kink-shaming at all though, and he seemed pretty normal other than that. Oh, I once slept with a guy and a gal who were both super into each other and super into Ayn Rand. They didn't bathe regularly and never wore underwear and were weirdly physical with each other in public. Like, they acted like they were related, even though they weren't, at least to the best of my knowledge, but they acted like being related got them hot and bothered. I'm not sure how to describe it.

Suffice it to say that the sex was pretty weird too. I was totally the third wheel most of the time they were into each other, but they kept breaking away from each other and coming back to me like I was the last other person on Earth and they still had to maintain the ruse that even though they were brother and sister they totally weren't fucking each other, just happened to both be fucking me at the same time. I'm giving the vibe too much credit; it wasn't anything definite like that, or roleplay, anything really except that they were super into each other and then suddenly remembered I was there.

How did I wind up in this situation, you might ask? Well, I was younger and stupider, for one, plus it was early on in college and I was fucking everything that moved and showed an interest. Seriously, college was the first time I was legally able to fuck pretty much everyone I wanted, and my college didn't judge sluts the way my high school had, so I spent the first year or so of college fucking at the drop of a hat because it was almost simpler than masturbating and usually better.

Anyway, it took a few drinks and having been rejected by someone else, but I fucked them, and while I wouldn't do it again now, then, I was fine with it. They didn't smell bad, per se, just kind of musky. I didn't really get much chance to put my face in crotches or underarms where the smell might have been worse. They weren't dirty, just not clean. I don't know. It was pretty weird. That they had pot helped.

What do you think you do better than 90% of people?

Fuck? I mean, maybe not 90%, but I'm pretty good at it. Lots of practice.

Pick your next sexual encounter. Only pick one, then tell us why that is your choice.
a. Blindfolded during oral sex
b. Sex in a hot tub
c. Sex in an elevator
d. Phone sex
e. Bringing in a third party

Phone sex is out. Boring. I've had sex in an elevator and while it is extremely hot if you're into it, I'm feeling strangely self-conscious about public sex right at the moment. Hot tub sex is fine, I guess, but it's just sex in a bath, really. Blindfolding me during oral sex... meh? I mean, it concentrates the mind, but it's not so amazing. So I guess I'm going with a third party, even though that happens on the reg around here.

When could having sex with an ex be a good thing?

If you didn't break up but just stopped being a steady thing, sex is great with an ex. If you did break up because you wanted different things, but you still occasionally get together and fuck it out, also fine. A good thing? I don't know, are we talking healthy? Good for what?

Have you ever had sex in a public toilet?

With my brother, no less, and we got caught. I told this story ages ago, but suffice it to say that we were in a restaurant, couldn't keep it in his pants (not entirely his fault), adjourned to the restroom to bang, and the cook came in, took one look at us, decided he didn't want any part of it, and told us to get lost. I guess we were extremely lucking, in hindsight. We were old enough that he wouldn't immediately have assumed child abuse or something. I don't recall whether the sex we had afterward was more intense, but I can imagine it might have been. 

Other than that, yes I've fucked in public toilets on numerous occasions, some documented on this blog, some sadly lost to the mists of time.

Is car sex hot or not?

Hot but often awkward. Car sex sometimes presupposes that I'm so hot and bothered that I can't wait to get to a more convenient locale, in which case it's usually hot as fuck, but again, convenience and these old bones make it less and less likely to happen these days.

Would you rather have sex with someone who never showers or someone who never brushes their teeth?

Based on my story above, you'd think I'd go with never showers (they didn't never shower, they just didn't think constant bathing was good for the body), but honestly, I can fuck without kissing and I don't need to smell your breath if we're going at it. I'd prefer not to do either,obviously, but I can take a localized stench over a full-body smell.

Would you rather only have sex in the shower for the rest of your life or only have sex on the floor for the rest of your life?

The shower. I like shower sex, at least in my parents' shower. Floor sex is fine, if you bring cushions and such, but my knees prefer comfort.

Would you rather cry every time you had sex or burp every time someone kissed you?

I think I could rationalize the crying. I giggle a lot during sex, which weirds some people out (I'm sure I'd make someone's top of the list of weirdest people they've slept with) so crying, I could make work, I think. Burping is something I never do. And I don't mean that in the way some girls would say it; I fart with the best of them, sorry if that ruins your image of me. But I've never been able to force a burp, and while once in a blue moon I might involuntarily gurgle up some gas, I don't think I could handle burping every time someone kissed me. Plus it's kind of nasty. Crying during sex, especially if it was happy crying, is not gross. It's just a little odd.

Where would you rate yourself as a kisser on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the best kisser ever)?

I'm going to give myself a solid 8. I'm not the best ever, and I'm probably not the best of everyone I've ever kissed, but I do it fairly well. My tongue game is solid and my lips actually move when I kiss.I'm not a dead fish, and I'm not boring or prudish. I think I kiss about as well as I give head. Solid 8. But I think you should ask the people I've kissed how I rate. I'd be interested to know, actually.

After reflection, Sveta gave me an 8 too. She thinks my dad kisses better than I do, and she's pretty sure neither of us would make the best ever list, since there have been a lot of people alive to enter that competition.