From the archives:
How do you like . . .
1. Your eggs cooked?
Totally depends on my mood. I love a good fried egg, although I sometimes have a hard time cooking them so the whites are cooked but the yolk is still runny. Great with toast. But if I'm having hash or scrapple of some kind, I want good scrambled eggs so I can mash them all together and spread them on toast because I'm disgusting and I don't care.
When I was young, I used to hate poached eggs because my mother always made them with vinegar in the water to keep them from spreading and I don't like the smell or taste of vinegar with eggs. But I've since had them without the vinegar, or somehow the vinegar hasn't put me off, and enjoy them as well. I don't like Hollandaise sauce so I don't go for eggs Benedict, but a good, lightly-poached egg is a wonderful thing, although I get the same pleasure, and considerably less hassle, from a good fried egg.
I enjoy a hard boiled egg on occasion. I haven't had a soft boiled one in ages. Eggs... sometimes I think they're disgusting and slimy. Sometimes I enjoy them. I like omelettes too, although I have no luck making those unless they're plain. Frittata are also excellent when done well. And quiche doesn't really count, but I love quiche.
I like food.
2. Your sandwich cut? In half, down the middle of the square or on the diagonal?
I don't care. I really don't. Most of the time I'm happy to eat a sandwich uncut. No, that's not a euphemism for anything. I just don't have a preference for sandwich slicing.
3. Your coffee?
If it's excellent coffee, I will drink it black. Anything else, I'll either gulp it down black or put a lot of cream and sugar in it. I also like iced coffee. I drink coffee rarely any more because it doesn't do anything for me.
4. Your tea?
I cannot understand putting lemon in tea. I know some people think that's the only way to drink Earl Grey, and I think they're mad because Earl Grey already has bergamot in it, so it doesn't need citrus. I like it very sweet and iced, or hot in any number of varieties, usually sweetened a little unless it's bad tea. I like tea quite a bit, and if it's good I'll drink it however it seems best.
5. Your ice-cream served–cup, cone or condom? Yup you read that right, a condom. Read more here.
Don't much care about ice cream. In a cup is fine. If it's in a cone, I prefer sugar or waffle to those terribly bland and dry cake cones which go all soggy and disgusting. Honestly, I've been to a DQ and asked them to make me a brownie Blizzard without the ice cream. They looked at me funny, but they presented me with a cup full of brownie bits covered in fudge sauce, and that's all I really wanted. I do not like a la mode. That's what whipped cream is for.
6. Your hair–long or short? Up or down? Straight or curly? Permed or natural?
I don't perm, so that's that out of the way. I really wish I had a magic wand which would let me change my hair on a whim. If I had that, most of the time, for everyday use, I'd keep it short in the house and then lengthen it to go out. Occasionally I might go for curls; I've been talked into curling my hair at various times in my life and I love the way it looks when it works, but it's a pain in the ass because my hair doesn't take curls well. And I hate hair spray.
But since I can't do that, I like the look of long even though it drives me crazy sometimes and takes forever to wash and dry, so I let it grow long. I pull it back for work or anything where it would get in my face and annoy me. I let it down to be sexy. I just don't feel sexy with short hair; if I did, I would shave my damn head and be done with it in a fit of annoyance. Fortunately I haven't gotten that crazy yet. I've had shorter and longer hairstyles in my life, and I don't like the way shorter looks on me. I've never been pixie, although some of my friends are convinced I'd be drop-dead in a pixie do.
Short answer: long, straight, up for business, down for pleasure, always natural.
7. To have sex? In what position?
How do I like to have sex? As frequently as possible, with as many fun people as possible. Position-wise, I'm an old fogey but I really do love missionary unless it's anal, in which case doggy is the way to go. I like looking my lover in the eye, plus hey, lying on my back means less work for me, right?
Bonus: How do you like your lovers?
Like my coffee.
No, only kidding. I take them as they come (pun only slightly intended) and I'm not super-picky, although I seem to skew younger and slimmer for the ladies and older for the gentlemen, given my preference. I've denied it for years but I think I'm not a breast man. Probably an ass man, although I like the tummy a lot. In men, I'm not looking for cut or muscular. I am much more cosmopolitan in body type for men, and that often makes me feel shallow when I'm checking out the ladies, but I've bucked preferences before quite happily, so it's more whom I enjoy ogling than whom I want to take as a lover.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Thursday, May 25, 2017
Pageants
So the place I work gets rentals all the time, and some of them are beauty pageants. I think beauty pageants are terrible. Just utter crap. I know, I know, but it's my opinion and I respect others but don't agree.
We got the regional finals for Miss America a while back, and while I had a little fun ogling, it was so artificial and kind of creepy that I didn't have much fun doing it. Plus they're kind of a pain in the ass to work. They always want things at the last minute, they're heavy on drama, and the talent portion... oy. Plus most of the girls are people I would have hated in high school. It's all very plastic and I try to avoid contact with the contestants.
I was unaware, but apparently there's a Mrs. America as well, which I was warned was everything that the Miss America pageant is but more pathetic and awful. So at a certain point in the recent past (I won't say exactly when because I don't want to give away where I am to you snoopy types who can look up recent Mrs. America pageants and figure it out, so I've been sitting on this story for a bit) we hosted the regionals for Mrs. America as well, and it was everything I'd been told it would be.
I don't want to go into the pageant itself except to say that on the one hand it was less creepy to be judging grown women rather than teenagers like slabs of meat, but on the other it was creepy in many new and exciting ways. At least there was no talent portion because I guess married women's only talent is supposed to be popping out babies and being a good wifey. Yes, I'm opinionated.
The women (they continued to call them "girls" even though some of them were mother of 3) weren't hard on the eye, and some of them weren't particularly plastic at all. It seemed like maybe the caliber of attractiveness you get in Mrs. America is either faded teen beauty pageant contestant or slightly more real-looking woman, possibly because there's less competition. There was one who looked almost normal, not statuesque, not basic bitch at all, with tattoos. I liked her just because she looked normal.
She, of course, didn't come close to winning. Basic bitches one and two got the high marks, and they did all the things a beauty queen should do: bland, inoffensive, easy on the eye (I'll admit they looked good) and obediently wife-ish. Thank god it was over and I could finally go home (I had been at the theater for ungodly amounts of time, which is good because I got paid, but bad because I wanted to jam an ice pick into my head to make it stop).
So I cleaned up (I guess either these chicks left their cleaning to the "help" at home or they just didn't give a shit about it outside the home) and waited for everyone to clear out and go off and be queen-ly somewhere else on someone else's dime, and tattoo woman was backstage alone getting her things together to go.
"Thanks for all your help," she said. I get this all the time. I guess I appreciate it, although frequently it seems like the kind of thing you'd say to your servants, like I "helped" rather than "did everything." But no matter. She didn't say it nastily or anything.
"No problem. Glad to do it." I couldn't resist, and no one else was there. "I thought you should have won."
"Aw, you're sweet. Honestly, I only did this for shits and giggles. And my husband doesn't mind me in a bathing suit getting cheers."
"Oh yeah?" Sure, why not, converse. She seemed nice enough. Plus, I had to wait for her to clear out before I could lock up.
"Yeah, gives him a thrill." She laughed. "That's not the only thing that gives him a thrill." Then she laughed again. "I'm flustered, don't pay any attention."
"It's okay." Sure, sure, it's okay. What do I care if your husband gets off on watching you at the meat market?
"But yeah, I wasn't going to win. These tats are not Mrs. America material."
"I think they look great." I'm not a huge fan of tattoos. They're fine, they just don't matter to me one way or the other. Hers were only really interesting because she was a beauty pageant contestant and I don't think I'd ever seen such prominent ones on a beauty queen. Pretty sure one of the other women had ink too, but it was like a little flower on her wrist or something. This was a big one on her arm, impossible to miss. I mostly liked it because it made her look less fake.
"Well why weren't you one of the judges?" she said. "I mean, I don't know, I'm just not... queen material I guess."
"Me neither, sister." Now was the time for solidarity.
"Are you kidding me? I bet under all that you're very pretty." Backhanded compliment. Whatever. She meant well, I guess. Can't blame her for superficiality.
"Not really my scene."
"I get it. I mean, I don't want you to think I'm Miss Plastic Fantastic either. What's the matter, too shy to show a little skin?"
Oh sister, don't you be playing me like that. "Hell no. Just not my thing to parade around like that."
I think things were turning a little hostile at this point. "It's fine. No big deal. Not everyone's comfortable with it."
I had to stop myself. Because I was ready to lay into her with all the stuff I've already said in this post about pageants and a bunch of other stuff. And frankly, it's not fair of me. I'm judging based on things I don't really know. I still think pageants are garbage, but I judge the audience and the organizers much more than the participants. So instead I said, "I've been nakeder on a stage than you ever have, believe me." Perhaps not a great riposte. I was tired and getting a little heated.
"Okay, if you say so." Fighting words.
"If I weren't on the clock and afraid I'd lose my job, I would be naked out there right now." And I pulled my top off.
To her credit, she took one look in my eye and said, "Fair enough. I get it. Sorry. You just came on a little judge-y."
And I felt stupid. So I put my top back on and apologized. Assured her that I did admire her for being herself amongst the phonies, which she appreciated. That I had in fact been rooting for her to win.
We talked for a bit. Nothing of consequence. The amicable feelings were restored. Then her husband showed up and I figured okay, finally, you can go, none of this hopefully will make it back to my place of employment, I can lock up and go home.
"You coming?" he asked her.
"Do we have to? I don't want to spend any more time around those stupid whores and pretend like I like them." I guess they were talking about the after-party.
Hubby was looking at me. "Hi, I'm Garrett, Steph's husband." Hey, way to seamlessly weave their aliases into the narrative, Lexi! Too bad you ruined it just now...
"Hi, I'm Lexi." We shook hands. He was eyeing me.
"So why weren't you out on stage?" he said, a little greasily. I couldn't really believe he was being so obviously flirtatious in front of his wife. No, I could, but it was a little greasy.
"Someone had to make them look pretty. Plus I'm not a Mrs. so..."
"Garrett, you dog, quit drooling over her," said Steph with a grin. "Lexi, you pay him no mind. He's only got one thing on his mind right now."
"Oh? Those other things that he gets a thrill out of?" I couldn't resist. I was tired. Plus I'm not going to lie, Garrett was sexy. Probably sexier to me than his wife, who had grown considerably more attractive after having let down her facade. What exactly was I doing here?
"Steph's been telling you stories about me?" he said, and I couldn't quite tell whether he was angry or pleased. He smiled. "I'm sorry. Just... the pageant and all, makes me a little stupid. Let me grab her stuff and we'll get out of your hair."
"To that fucking party?" Steph looked like she wanted to drop dead.
"We ought to. Don't want to be sore losers."
"Fuck them. I can't stand one more minute of that bitch anyway." Not sure which bitch she meant, but I'd wager it was either the winner, the runner-up, or possibly the woman in charge of the pageant, who was definitely in the aging-beauty-queen category. I couldn't blame her if it were any of those options.
"Well we can't stand around here all day. Lexi," and here he gave me a look which was straight out of a pickup manual, but whatever, "probably has places to be. She's kicking us out."
"Alright, alright. Can we just go out by ourselves or something?"
"I suppose." He made it sound like he was humoring her. Sexy, but really kind of greasy.
"Babe, you know you just want to get me alone anyway, after all that." This was more interesting. Yes please, tell Lexi more about this. She's had a rough day and the best thing to wash that pageant taste out of her mouth is hearing about how you'd like to get your wife home so you can fuck her silly because you get off on watching her get eye-banged by all the other pageant husbands. Yes please, elaborate.
"Plenty of time for that. Got to build the anticipation, get you a little wetter..."
"Garrett, stop!" Okay, so clearly the appreciation for pageants went both ways. Honestly, if all pageant contestants were doing it because of fetishes, I think it would make for a much better organization.
"Sorry Lexi, like I said, pageants get me a little riled up." And he reached over and groped her. It wasn't super-obvious or graphic, but he was clearly doing it for my benefit as well as hers. His hand cupped her ass and gave it a little squeeze and she giggled in spite of herself. "What red-blooded man wouldn't get a little anxious after seeing all those gorgeous women prancing around?"
"Lexi's not interested in your dirty mind," said Steph finally, pushing him away. I noticed that it definitely took her a force of will to push him away though. I think if I hadn't been there, things would have definitely taken a turn for the sexy right then and there. I love sexual tension like that.
"It's okay. I don't mind," I said, meaning it.
"You don't say," said Steph, looking at me. "Well, like you said, you're on the clock and we've got to get out of here." She grabbed a bag. "Of course, if you didn't have anywhere to be, maybe we could invite you for a drink as a thank you for making me look pretty..."
At this point, I almost said no. I'm not going to lie and claim to be some super-human sex machine, plus there was no indication that I was going to get anything more than a drink which I would probably have to pay for and lose rest. I was tired. I was horny, yes, but these two seemed like to type to invite me out to further ramp up the tension and then ditch me to go fuck like rabbits while I would have just been teased and then discarded. So I almost said no.
But on the other hand, I hadn't had any sex in days. Work and schedules meant that Sveta and I had barely spoken, let alone anything else. I wasn't expecting it, but horny and tired make me make decisions I wouldn't necessarily otherwise make. If it had merely been a friendly invitation, I would have declined, but it wasn't.
"Let me lock up and I'll join you in five." In for a penny.
All my fears seemed to be realized because we fetched up at a place which was way, way out of my price range. I was all set to order the cheapest thing I could find, but Garrett said, "What do you like?" and then ordered and paid. I sipped my drink. They both downed theirs and ordered another. And nobody said anything for a while, like we were nervous kids.
"So you don't mind a dirty mind?" said Steph finally, breaking the ice.
"I've got one. Why should I mind someone else's?"
"My type of girl," said Garrett. "Steph tells me you think she should have won."
So we talked about that for a bit. And the conversation went from discussing the fact that I like genuine people (at least in beauty contests) to all of us judging the other contestants, to all of us discussing which of them we think was the craziest in the sack. I didn't hold back, and pretty soon we were discussing the fact that I like to look at women, which led to discussing that I liked to look at men too, and they realized they had a unicorn on their hands or something because they both finished their drinks in a hurry.
"So... ever been with a couple before?" said Garrett, laying the cards I had hoped to see on the table.
"A few times." Okay, I was lowballing that number significantly, but it wasn't the time or the place to lay out my resume. "Why? Are you inviting me?" I can be blunt if blunt is the order of the day.
"Where did you come from?" asked Steph, looking a little staggered. "I didn't see this coming."
"Neither did I," I said, truthfully. "But you two are sexy as hell and I'd love to join you to work off some of the excitement. I'm dripping wet."
"God, me too," she said, grinning. "Come back to our hotel room."
I guess they were from far enough away that they had a hotel for the pageant. I can't even remember where she was a contestant from. Whatever. Hotel is usually better for these sorts of things, and it meant I didn't have to go far.
I followed them to the hotel, we got through the door, and Garrett grabbed me and put his tongue down my throat. Very forceful, but I wasn't complaining. If anything, I slipped into subby-Lexi mode and let him maul me a little. I felt her hands slip my top up again. "There's that cute bra again," she said from behind me.
He broke away. "You already saw her in her bra? Did you two plan this?"
We both laughed. Didn't really explain. I pulled off my top. "So, what's the deal? Steph, are we...?"
"God, we've never had a girl who wanted to do that," laughed Steph. "I don't know. Garrett, what do you think?"
"I just want to fuck someone," he said. "Babe, if you let me fuck her she can do whatever you want."
"I've never been with a woman before, not really." She looked a little worried.
"Why don't we all just get naked and see what happens?" I suggested. Because I'm in my element here.
We all did, and it was worth it. She was probably only a little older than I was, if that. Not slim like a girl or a model (which is probably another reason she didn't get picked) but no fat on her. Her breasts drooped just slightly, but they were sizes bigger than mine. A neatly-trimmed thatch of pubic hair over her pussy, nothing that would show in a bathing suit or a thong, just a landing strip or whatever people are calling it these days.
And he wasn't shabby either. Older than both of us by a few years, a few gray hairs, but fit, tan, probably rich enough to care about his looks. And his cock was very nice, long, thick, fully erect and just begging to be sucked.
So we did that. Or rather, I knelt and then looked over at her and gave a little nod of invitation. Not much more talking, until moments later he said, "Well, I hope you girls can keep each other occupied until I recover, because I'm gonna cum any second."
"Yes baby, yes!" She was super into all of it. If there was reluctance, it wasn't for lack of desire. In a part of my mind that wasn't horny in the extreme, I laughed at the irony of her being shy when she'd accused me of being shy.
"Oh God girls, here it comes!" I find play-by-play a little cliche, but in this case I didn't care as long as this wasn't it for the evening, and from what he'd said, it wouldn't be.
He backed off slightly, stroked once or twice, and shot a giant load all over both of us. Part of me was sad I hadn't gotten that in my pussy, but then I had no reason to suspect that I would be getting any in my pussy, so I let it go and enjoyed it.
Steph looked like she was about to wipe her face off, so I stopped her and, giving a look to her husband, licked her clean. Her eyes widened a little but she didn't stop me, and when I kissed her gently on the lips, she didn't stop me then either. My hand slid up her thigh, introducing myself a little, and when she moaned softly and spread her legs a little, I knew I wasn't uninvited.
I dallied with her pussy for a few moments, then suggested that we'd look and feel better on the bed. So we moved to the bed, tangled in each other because she may have been a bit shy at first but she really got into kissing me. My finger found its way back to her cunt and I slid in. She gasped and by God she came. I guess pageants must really wind her up. I felt a little cheated, honestly; I wanted to have to work for it a bit. But she wasn't complaining, and after she finished she said, "Now I want to make you cum Lexi."
I thought about telling her that it was probably a waste of time, particularly when she said, "I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm sorry. But please, let me try." But she was asking to try, and I am nothing if not charitable with those who need experience.
"Suck those cute little tits," suggested her husband from where he was watching us.
So she did. And it wasn't bad. For a beginner, she wasn't afraid nor did she fall prey to the various beginner mistakes. I don't know, maybe she had had girls in the past and just didn't want to admit it. No idea. But her lips and tongue on my nipples made me even wetter, and when she started rubbing my slit, I just lay back and tried to cum.
Her fingering wasn't bad either. I guess we both like the same thing in masturbation. It still wasn't going to get me off, not easily. "Am I doing something wrong?" she asked me after a few moments.
"God no, you're doing great. I bet Garrett likes watching this." She giggled. Not school-girl giggle, understand, but it was a giggle. "But I bet he'd like to see you eating pussy even more." Hint hint. Not that I held out much hope for that, since if she'd never done it before it was likely to be nothing but enthusiastic. Still, I didn't mind her trying and the idea of it turned me on, plus I was pretty sure that I wasn't wrong and Garrett would indeed like to see his little beauty queen with her face in my pussy.
She slid down and got between my legs and started slurping away. Shyness was totally gone. Skill wasn't there, but it was nice. She wasn't rough and she hit the right spots, and I'm not proud but after a few more moments, because I was tired and I just didn't feel like explaining anything, I faked an orgasm. Just to encourage her, a little gold star. "Oh God, you're making me cum!" I moaned, and then I did the usual orgasm things that people expect.
"That felt so good," I said. I wasn't lying about that; it did feel good, just not orgasmic. "Come here, let's get you ready and Garrett can stick his cock in that cute little pussy of yours."
"Oh no, I want you to eat her out and I'm going to fuck you like I promised," he said. Okay then. I figured that they'd want the first fuck of the evening at least, but hey, I wasn't going to argue.
He pulled out a condom. "You don't need that unless you want it," I said. I'd already had enough sexual contact with both of them that diseases were going to happen anyway and I never care about pregnancy.
"Really?" He looked like she had looked when I told her I was down to fuck. "I mean, Steph's on the pill but..."
"So am I. And anyway, I like it better when a guy cums inside me."
Kids, don't do as I do. Use protection. There, PSA over.
He tossed the condom. "Damn, where did you come from? The other girls we've had would only let me fuck them while Steph watched and then watch us."
"You guys do this a lot?" I didn't want to talk, but I was curious.
"A few times. We take trips sometimes, cruises or whatever, try to pick up girls. We paid for it a few times. It just..."
"I get it. No problem. But I'm interested in sharing both of you. And I love creampies."
"Garrett, quit talking and fuck her before she changes her mind," laughed Steph, who was lying back with her legs spread. I finally got a better look at the main attraction. She was tanned too, but her pussy was pink, big outer lips which were swollen and practically red, her clit standing out a little above.
"Listen to your wife," I said, grinning, and then since there didn't seem to be much point in foreplay I started licking her pussy, slowly, bottom to top.
I didn't see him get behind me but I felt him, one hand on my back, the other aiming and then I felt him press in. God, I miss being full when I'm not. And this was nice and full. I was ready for him, but he pressed all the way in and I moaned. And damn it, after two or three thrusts, my body betrayed me and I came. I didn't announce it but he said, "She's cumming again. Jesus Christ, that's tight."
"Is she good, baby?"
"Oh God, so good. You warmed her little pussy up for me and now I'm taking her all the way."
There was plenty more of this. They clearly got off on it. I stopped listening after a while and concentrated on her, finding the sweet spot and sucking and licking, then slipping a finger, then two, up into her and making her moan and then cum again. That was more like it.
I think he was hoping to get me to repeat, but that wasn't happening, although the first orgasm had been pretty good for me these days. Not much pain and I didn't drop out of it.
Eventually he flipped me over and started fucking me as hard as he could, which was pretty hard, but I didn't stop him because frankly I was hoping that him ramming away might somehow get me off again. It didn't, but I enjoyed it, and when Steph started working on my nipples again I was quite happy.
Even with all the talk about creampies, he still pulled out and said, "Come on girls, get another helping." I guess the excitement of being able to have two women at once made him want to porn it up. Whatever. I really would have liked that creampie, especially since the load, when it came, was just as full as the previous. Steph and I made out for a bit after that, groping and fingering and slobbering all over each other.
"Are you up for one more?" she asked him after a while.
"I will be in a minute." I like a guy who's up for one more. Even though I was sure it meant that I'd get to watch them fuck, I was okay with that too. Honestly, my exhaustion was catching up to my horniness in a major way and I really would have been fine with leaving them to it, but that seemed rude.
"You want her to watch us?"
"I guess so." Garrett seemed somewhat ambivalent.
"You want to fuck her again." It wasn't a question. I felt a bit like I was being discussed without acknowledgement. Want to ask her if she wants to get fucked again?
"It's just so amazing watching the two of you while I'm up to my balls in her."
Pageants make you think of women as pieces of meat. There, I said it.
"Hey Steph, why don't we get like this..." And I wrapped her up in my arms and legs. "And then he can switch back and forth."
"Ooh, fun!" I have good ideas. Steph was totally into continuing to make out with me, wrapped in each other, her on top, me underneath, and after the promised minute, Garrett came over and pressed into me again. Then he pulled out and pressed into her, and she moaned like it was what she'd needed all this time. I couldn't really blame her; she'd been raring for a cock the entire time and hadn't gotten one, and while I am very good at eating pussy, sometimes you just want a cock.
There was more back and forth, our pussy juices mingling on his cock, our tongues swirling, his hands all over our thighs and hips and asses. I got a little cheeky and started stroking her asshole, and she gave me a look and then grinned and said, "Go ahead." So I managed to get some juice on my finger and then pressed it slowly into her anus while he was fucking her, and she melted. He saw what I was doing and said, "Oh fuck yeah," or something similar, and then reached down to her hand and moved it to my ass.
So yeah, mutual ass-fingering while being swapped was very nice. It was a little awkward and the fucking wasn't as good as when no one had been distracted, but it was still hot as hell.
He came up after a while and let us suck him, slopping cock back from mouth to mouth, working the balls a little, until he grunted and came again. She was close to cumming again herself, so I rolled her over and got between her legs, got a better angle on fingering her ass, and ate her out with my finger up her butt until she begged for mercy.
We had to wash up after that, and in the shower Steph and I made out some more. She wanted to eat me out again, but I managed, without too much explanation, to convince her that I was pretty done, orgasm-wise, for the evening. She still wanted more, I could tell, so we ran back to the bed, dripping wet, and I ate her out again. Honestly, at this point, I was trying to make it so that any time she and her husband were together, she'd think of me. Because I was feeling a bit spiteful at him. Maybe he eats pussy well, but I do it better, and I was going to make her cum so hard she thought of it every time anyone else tried. I'm not particularly proud of this, but not ashamed either.
They tried to get me to stay. Garrett said he needed a bit more recovery but he would totally be ready to go again if I gave him an hour. But exhaustion definitely won, so I said my goodbyes. They said they wanted to meet up again. I gently brushed them off. It was fun, don't get me wrong, but I don't need to be some horny couple's unicorn. Plus they started getting on my nerves a little. Nothing major, just kind of was sick of them and pageants and all of it and I wanted to sleep.
Have I changed my views on pageants? Not really. Still don't get them, still think they're pretty creepy, still judge the audience. And if husbands are making wives do this, then fuck them, and not in a good way. These two seemed like they were in it for the sex, which is fine, and I didn't get the impression that she enjoyed it any less than he did. But whatever.
We got the regional finals for Miss America a while back, and while I had a little fun ogling, it was so artificial and kind of creepy that I didn't have much fun doing it. Plus they're kind of a pain in the ass to work. They always want things at the last minute, they're heavy on drama, and the talent portion... oy. Plus most of the girls are people I would have hated in high school. It's all very plastic and I try to avoid contact with the contestants.
I was unaware, but apparently there's a Mrs. America as well, which I was warned was everything that the Miss America pageant is but more pathetic and awful. So at a certain point in the recent past (I won't say exactly when because I don't want to give away where I am to you snoopy types who can look up recent Mrs. America pageants and figure it out, so I've been sitting on this story for a bit) we hosted the regionals for Mrs. America as well, and it was everything I'd been told it would be.
I don't want to go into the pageant itself except to say that on the one hand it was less creepy to be judging grown women rather than teenagers like slabs of meat, but on the other it was creepy in many new and exciting ways. At least there was no talent portion because I guess married women's only talent is supposed to be popping out babies and being a good wifey. Yes, I'm opinionated.
The women (they continued to call them "girls" even though some of them were mother of 3) weren't hard on the eye, and some of them weren't particularly plastic at all. It seemed like maybe the caliber of attractiveness you get in Mrs. America is either faded teen beauty pageant contestant or slightly more real-looking woman, possibly because there's less competition. There was one who looked almost normal, not statuesque, not basic bitch at all, with tattoos. I liked her just because she looked normal.
She, of course, didn't come close to winning. Basic bitches one and two got the high marks, and they did all the things a beauty queen should do: bland, inoffensive, easy on the eye (I'll admit they looked good) and obediently wife-ish. Thank god it was over and I could finally go home (I had been at the theater for ungodly amounts of time, which is good because I got paid, but bad because I wanted to jam an ice pick into my head to make it stop).
So I cleaned up (I guess either these chicks left their cleaning to the "help" at home or they just didn't give a shit about it outside the home) and waited for everyone to clear out and go off and be queen-ly somewhere else on someone else's dime, and tattoo woman was backstage alone getting her things together to go.
"Thanks for all your help," she said. I get this all the time. I guess I appreciate it, although frequently it seems like the kind of thing you'd say to your servants, like I "helped" rather than "did everything." But no matter. She didn't say it nastily or anything.
"No problem. Glad to do it." I couldn't resist, and no one else was there. "I thought you should have won."
"Aw, you're sweet. Honestly, I only did this for shits and giggles. And my husband doesn't mind me in a bathing suit getting cheers."
"Oh yeah?" Sure, why not, converse. She seemed nice enough. Plus, I had to wait for her to clear out before I could lock up.
"Yeah, gives him a thrill." She laughed. "That's not the only thing that gives him a thrill." Then she laughed again. "I'm flustered, don't pay any attention."
"It's okay." Sure, sure, it's okay. What do I care if your husband gets off on watching you at the meat market?
"But yeah, I wasn't going to win. These tats are not Mrs. America material."
"I think they look great." I'm not a huge fan of tattoos. They're fine, they just don't matter to me one way or the other. Hers were only really interesting because she was a beauty pageant contestant and I don't think I'd ever seen such prominent ones on a beauty queen. Pretty sure one of the other women had ink too, but it was like a little flower on her wrist or something. This was a big one on her arm, impossible to miss. I mostly liked it because it made her look less fake.
"Well why weren't you one of the judges?" she said. "I mean, I don't know, I'm just not... queen material I guess."
"Me neither, sister." Now was the time for solidarity.
"Are you kidding me? I bet under all that you're very pretty." Backhanded compliment. Whatever. She meant well, I guess. Can't blame her for superficiality.
"Not really my scene."
"I get it. I mean, I don't want you to think I'm Miss Plastic Fantastic either. What's the matter, too shy to show a little skin?"
Oh sister, don't you be playing me like that. "Hell no. Just not my thing to parade around like that."
I think things were turning a little hostile at this point. "It's fine. No big deal. Not everyone's comfortable with it."
I had to stop myself. Because I was ready to lay into her with all the stuff I've already said in this post about pageants and a bunch of other stuff. And frankly, it's not fair of me. I'm judging based on things I don't really know. I still think pageants are garbage, but I judge the audience and the organizers much more than the participants. So instead I said, "I've been nakeder on a stage than you ever have, believe me." Perhaps not a great riposte. I was tired and getting a little heated.
"Okay, if you say so." Fighting words.
"If I weren't on the clock and afraid I'd lose my job, I would be naked out there right now." And I pulled my top off.
To her credit, she took one look in my eye and said, "Fair enough. I get it. Sorry. You just came on a little judge-y."
And I felt stupid. So I put my top back on and apologized. Assured her that I did admire her for being herself amongst the phonies, which she appreciated. That I had in fact been rooting for her to win.
We talked for a bit. Nothing of consequence. The amicable feelings were restored. Then her husband showed up and I figured okay, finally, you can go, none of this hopefully will make it back to my place of employment, I can lock up and go home.
"You coming?" he asked her.
"Do we have to? I don't want to spend any more time around those stupid whores and pretend like I like them." I guess they were talking about the after-party.
Hubby was looking at me. "Hi, I'm Garrett, Steph's husband." Hey, way to seamlessly weave their aliases into the narrative, Lexi! Too bad you ruined it just now...
"Hi, I'm Lexi." We shook hands. He was eyeing me.
"So why weren't you out on stage?" he said, a little greasily. I couldn't really believe he was being so obviously flirtatious in front of his wife. No, I could, but it was a little greasy.
"Someone had to make them look pretty. Plus I'm not a Mrs. so..."
"Garrett, you dog, quit drooling over her," said Steph with a grin. "Lexi, you pay him no mind. He's only got one thing on his mind right now."
"Oh? Those other things that he gets a thrill out of?" I couldn't resist. I was tired. Plus I'm not going to lie, Garrett was sexy. Probably sexier to me than his wife, who had grown considerably more attractive after having let down her facade. What exactly was I doing here?
"Steph's been telling you stories about me?" he said, and I couldn't quite tell whether he was angry or pleased. He smiled. "I'm sorry. Just... the pageant and all, makes me a little stupid. Let me grab her stuff and we'll get out of your hair."
"To that fucking party?" Steph looked like she wanted to drop dead.
"We ought to. Don't want to be sore losers."
"Fuck them. I can't stand one more minute of that bitch anyway." Not sure which bitch she meant, but I'd wager it was either the winner, the runner-up, or possibly the woman in charge of the pageant, who was definitely in the aging-beauty-queen category. I couldn't blame her if it were any of those options.
"Well we can't stand around here all day. Lexi," and here he gave me a look which was straight out of a pickup manual, but whatever, "probably has places to be. She's kicking us out."
"Alright, alright. Can we just go out by ourselves or something?"
"I suppose." He made it sound like he was humoring her. Sexy, but really kind of greasy.
"Babe, you know you just want to get me alone anyway, after all that." This was more interesting. Yes please, tell Lexi more about this. She's had a rough day and the best thing to wash that pageant taste out of her mouth is hearing about how you'd like to get your wife home so you can fuck her silly because you get off on watching her get eye-banged by all the other pageant husbands. Yes please, elaborate.
"Plenty of time for that. Got to build the anticipation, get you a little wetter..."
"Garrett, stop!" Okay, so clearly the appreciation for pageants went both ways. Honestly, if all pageant contestants were doing it because of fetishes, I think it would make for a much better organization.
"Sorry Lexi, like I said, pageants get me a little riled up." And he reached over and groped her. It wasn't super-obvious or graphic, but he was clearly doing it for my benefit as well as hers. His hand cupped her ass and gave it a little squeeze and she giggled in spite of herself. "What red-blooded man wouldn't get a little anxious after seeing all those gorgeous women prancing around?"
"Lexi's not interested in your dirty mind," said Steph finally, pushing him away. I noticed that it definitely took her a force of will to push him away though. I think if I hadn't been there, things would have definitely taken a turn for the sexy right then and there. I love sexual tension like that.
"It's okay. I don't mind," I said, meaning it.
"You don't say," said Steph, looking at me. "Well, like you said, you're on the clock and we've got to get out of here." She grabbed a bag. "Of course, if you didn't have anywhere to be, maybe we could invite you for a drink as a thank you for making me look pretty..."
At this point, I almost said no. I'm not going to lie and claim to be some super-human sex machine, plus there was no indication that I was going to get anything more than a drink which I would probably have to pay for and lose rest. I was tired. I was horny, yes, but these two seemed like to type to invite me out to further ramp up the tension and then ditch me to go fuck like rabbits while I would have just been teased and then discarded. So I almost said no.
But on the other hand, I hadn't had any sex in days. Work and schedules meant that Sveta and I had barely spoken, let alone anything else. I wasn't expecting it, but horny and tired make me make decisions I wouldn't necessarily otherwise make. If it had merely been a friendly invitation, I would have declined, but it wasn't.
"Let me lock up and I'll join you in five." In for a penny.
All my fears seemed to be realized because we fetched up at a place which was way, way out of my price range. I was all set to order the cheapest thing I could find, but Garrett said, "What do you like?" and then ordered and paid. I sipped my drink. They both downed theirs and ordered another. And nobody said anything for a while, like we were nervous kids.
"So you don't mind a dirty mind?" said Steph finally, breaking the ice.
"I've got one. Why should I mind someone else's?"
"My type of girl," said Garrett. "Steph tells me you think she should have won."
So we talked about that for a bit. And the conversation went from discussing the fact that I like genuine people (at least in beauty contests) to all of us judging the other contestants, to all of us discussing which of them we think was the craziest in the sack. I didn't hold back, and pretty soon we were discussing the fact that I like to look at women, which led to discussing that I liked to look at men too, and they realized they had a unicorn on their hands or something because they both finished their drinks in a hurry.
"So... ever been with a couple before?" said Garrett, laying the cards I had hoped to see on the table.
"A few times." Okay, I was lowballing that number significantly, but it wasn't the time or the place to lay out my resume. "Why? Are you inviting me?" I can be blunt if blunt is the order of the day.
"Where did you come from?" asked Steph, looking a little staggered. "I didn't see this coming."
"Neither did I," I said, truthfully. "But you two are sexy as hell and I'd love to join you to work off some of the excitement. I'm dripping wet."
"God, me too," she said, grinning. "Come back to our hotel room."
I guess they were from far enough away that they had a hotel for the pageant. I can't even remember where she was a contestant from. Whatever. Hotel is usually better for these sorts of things, and it meant I didn't have to go far.
I followed them to the hotel, we got through the door, and Garrett grabbed me and put his tongue down my throat. Very forceful, but I wasn't complaining. If anything, I slipped into subby-Lexi mode and let him maul me a little. I felt her hands slip my top up again. "There's that cute bra again," she said from behind me.
He broke away. "You already saw her in her bra? Did you two plan this?"
We both laughed. Didn't really explain. I pulled off my top. "So, what's the deal? Steph, are we...?"
"God, we've never had a girl who wanted to do that," laughed Steph. "I don't know. Garrett, what do you think?"
"I just want to fuck someone," he said. "Babe, if you let me fuck her she can do whatever you want."
"I've never been with a woman before, not really." She looked a little worried.
"Why don't we all just get naked and see what happens?" I suggested. Because I'm in my element here.
We all did, and it was worth it. She was probably only a little older than I was, if that. Not slim like a girl or a model (which is probably another reason she didn't get picked) but no fat on her. Her breasts drooped just slightly, but they were sizes bigger than mine. A neatly-trimmed thatch of pubic hair over her pussy, nothing that would show in a bathing suit or a thong, just a landing strip or whatever people are calling it these days.
And he wasn't shabby either. Older than both of us by a few years, a few gray hairs, but fit, tan, probably rich enough to care about his looks. And his cock was very nice, long, thick, fully erect and just begging to be sucked.
So we did that. Or rather, I knelt and then looked over at her and gave a little nod of invitation. Not much more talking, until moments later he said, "Well, I hope you girls can keep each other occupied until I recover, because I'm gonna cum any second."
"Yes baby, yes!" She was super into all of it. If there was reluctance, it wasn't for lack of desire. In a part of my mind that wasn't horny in the extreme, I laughed at the irony of her being shy when she'd accused me of being shy.
"Oh God girls, here it comes!" I find play-by-play a little cliche, but in this case I didn't care as long as this wasn't it for the evening, and from what he'd said, it wouldn't be.
He backed off slightly, stroked once or twice, and shot a giant load all over both of us. Part of me was sad I hadn't gotten that in my pussy, but then I had no reason to suspect that I would be getting any in my pussy, so I let it go and enjoyed it.
Steph looked like she was about to wipe her face off, so I stopped her and, giving a look to her husband, licked her clean. Her eyes widened a little but she didn't stop me, and when I kissed her gently on the lips, she didn't stop me then either. My hand slid up her thigh, introducing myself a little, and when she moaned softly and spread her legs a little, I knew I wasn't uninvited.
I dallied with her pussy for a few moments, then suggested that we'd look and feel better on the bed. So we moved to the bed, tangled in each other because she may have been a bit shy at first but she really got into kissing me. My finger found its way back to her cunt and I slid in. She gasped and by God she came. I guess pageants must really wind her up. I felt a little cheated, honestly; I wanted to have to work for it a bit. But she wasn't complaining, and after she finished she said, "Now I want to make you cum Lexi."
I thought about telling her that it was probably a waste of time, particularly when she said, "I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm sorry. But please, let me try." But she was asking to try, and I am nothing if not charitable with those who need experience.
"Suck those cute little tits," suggested her husband from where he was watching us.
So she did. And it wasn't bad. For a beginner, she wasn't afraid nor did she fall prey to the various beginner mistakes. I don't know, maybe she had had girls in the past and just didn't want to admit it. No idea. But her lips and tongue on my nipples made me even wetter, and when she started rubbing my slit, I just lay back and tried to cum.
Her fingering wasn't bad either. I guess we both like the same thing in masturbation. It still wasn't going to get me off, not easily. "Am I doing something wrong?" she asked me after a few moments.
"God no, you're doing great. I bet Garrett likes watching this." She giggled. Not school-girl giggle, understand, but it was a giggle. "But I bet he'd like to see you eating pussy even more." Hint hint. Not that I held out much hope for that, since if she'd never done it before it was likely to be nothing but enthusiastic. Still, I didn't mind her trying and the idea of it turned me on, plus I was pretty sure that I wasn't wrong and Garrett would indeed like to see his little beauty queen with her face in my pussy.
She slid down and got between my legs and started slurping away. Shyness was totally gone. Skill wasn't there, but it was nice. She wasn't rough and she hit the right spots, and I'm not proud but after a few more moments, because I was tired and I just didn't feel like explaining anything, I faked an orgasm. Just to encourage her, a little gold star. "Oh God, you're making me cum!" I moaned, and then I did the usual orgasm things that people expect.
"That felt so good," I said. I wasn't lying about that; it did feel good, just not orgasmic. "Come here, let's get you ready and Garrett can stick his cock in that cute little pussy of yours."
"Oh no, I want you to eat her out and I'm going to fuck you like I promised," he said. Okay then. I figured that they'd want the first fuck of the evening at least, but hey, I wasn't going to argue.
He pulled out a condom. "You don't need that unless you want it," I said. I'd already had enough sexual contact with both of them that diseases were going to happen anyway and I never care about pregnancy.
"Really?" He looked like she had looked when I told her I was down to fuck. "I mean, Steph's on the pill but..."
"So am I. And anyway, I like it better when a guy cums inside me."
Kids, don't do as I do. Use protection. There, PSA over.
He tossed the condom. "Damn, where did you come from? The other girls we've had would only let me fuck them while Steph watched and then watch us."
"You guys do this a lot?" I didn't want to talk, but I was curious.
"A few times. We take trips sometimes, cruises or whatever, try to pick up girls. We paid for it a few times. It just..."
"I get it. No problem. But I'm interested in sharing both of you. And I love creampies."
"Garrett, quit talking and fuck her before she changes her mind," laughed Steph, who was lying back with her legs spread. I finally got a better look at the main attraction. She was tanned too, but her pussy was pink, big outer lips which were swollen and practically red, her clit standing out a little above.
"Listen to your wife," I said, grinning, and then since there didn't seem to be much point in foreplay I started licking her pussy, slowly, bottom to top.
I didn't see him get behind me but I felt him, one hand on my back, the other aiming and then I felt him press in. God, I miss being full when I'm not. And this was nice and full. I was ready for him, but he pressed all the way in and I moaned. And damn it, after two or three thrusts, my body betrayed me and I came. I didn't announce it but he said, "She's cumming again. Jesus Christ, that's tight."
"Is she good, baby?"
"Oh God, so good. You warmed her little pussy up for me and now I'm taking her all the way."
There was plenty more of this. They clearly got off on it. I stopped listening after a while and concentrated on her, finding the sweet spot and sucking and licking, then slipping a finger, then two, up into her and making her moan and then cum again. That was more like it.
I think he was hoping to get me to repeat, but that wasn't happening, although the first orgasm had been pretty good for me these days. Not much pain and I didn't drop out of it.
Eventually he flipped me over and started fucking me as hard as he could, which was pretty hard, but I didn't stop him because frankly I was hoping that him ramming away might somehow get me off again. It didn't, but I enjoyed it, and when Steph started working on my nipples again I was quite happy.
Even with all the talk about creampies, he still pulled out and said, "Come on girls, get another helping." I guess the excitement of being able to have two women at once made him want to porn it up. Whatever. I really would have liked that creampie, especially since the load, when it came, was just as full as the previous. Steph and I made out for a bit after that, groping and fingering and slobbering all over each other.
"Are you up for one more?" she asked him after a while.
"I will be in a minute." I like a guy who's up for one more. Even though I was sure it meant that I'd get to watch them fuck, I was okay with that too. Honestly, my exhaustion was catching up to my horniness in a major way and I really would have been fine with leaving them to it, but that seemed rude.
"You want her to watch us?"
"I guess so." Garrett seemed somewhat ambivalent.
"You want to fuck her again." It wasn't a question. I felt a bit like I was being discussed without acknowledgement. Want to ask her if she wants to get fucked again?
"It's just so amazing watching the two of you while I'm up to my balls in her."
Pageants make you think of women as pieces of meat. There, I said it.
"Hey Steph, why don't we get like this..." And I wrapped her up in my arms and legs. "And then he can switch back and forth."
"Ooh, fun!" I have good ideas. Steph was totally into continuing to make out with me, wrapped in each other, her on top, me underneath, and after the promised minute, Garrett came over and pressed into me again. Then he pulled out and pressed into her, and she moaned like it was what she'd needed all this time. I couldn't really blame her; she'd been raring for a cock the entire time and hadn't gotten one, and while I am very good at eating pussy, sometimes you just want a cock.
There was more back and forth, our pussy juices mingling on his cock, our tongues swirling, his hands all over our thighs and hips and asses. I got a little cheeky and started stroking her asshole, and she gave me a look and then grinned and said, "Go ahead." So I managed to get some juice on my finger and then pressed it slowly into her anus while he was fucking her, and she melted. He saw what I was doing and said, "Oh fuck yeah," or something similar, and then reached down to her hand and moved it to my ass.
So yeah, mutual ass-fingering while being swapped was very nice. It was a little awkward and the fucking wasn't as good as when no one had been distracted, but it was still hot as hell.
He came up after a while and let us suck him, slopping cock back from mouth to mouth, working the balls a little, until he grunted and came again. She was close to cumming again herself, so I rolled her over and got between her legs, got a better angle on fingering her ass, and ate her out with my finger up her butt until she begged for mercy.
We had to wash up after that, and in the shower Steph and I made out some more. She wanted to eat me out again, but I managed, without too much explanation, to convince her that I was pretty done, orgasm-wise, for the evening. She still wanted more, I could tell, so we ran back to the bed, dripping wet, and I ate her out again. Honestly, at this point, I was trying to make it so that any time she and her husband were together, she'd think of me. Because I was feeling a bit spiteful at him. Maybe he eats pussy well, but I do it better, and I was going to make her cum so hard she thought of it every time anyone else tried. I'm not particularly proud of this, but not ashamed either.
They tried to get me to stay. Garrett said he needed a bit more recovery but he would totally be ready to go again if I gave him an hour. But exhaustion definitely won, so I said my goodbyes. They said they wanted to meet up again. I gently brushed them off. It was fun, don't get me wrong, but I don't need to be some horny couple's unicorn. Plus they started getting on my nerves a little. Nothing major, just kind of was sick of them and pageants and all of it and I wanted to sleep.
Have I changed my views on pageants? Not really. Still don't get them, still think they're pretty creepy, still judge the audience. And if husbands are making wives do this, then fuck them, and not in a good way. These two seemed like they were in it for the sex, which is fine, and I didn't get the impression that she enjoyed it any less than he did. But whatever.
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
TMI Tuesday
From the archives:
1. Would you rather be smart or awesome? Why?
I think it's pretty awesome to be smart. And I'm not at all sure what "awesome" means. I flatter myself to think that I'm fairly intelligent, and I'm not sure how much good that's done me, but I'd prefer it to some nebulous "awesomeness," I guess.
2. Would you rather french kiss a cat or pleasure a frog?
Have you ever felt a cat's tongue? Yeah, I'll pleasure the frog. Even if it means with my mouth. I'll suck a frog's dick over having my tonsils ripped apart by a cat's tongue.
3. Would you rather live the rest of your life with Darth Vader’s voice or Alvin the Chipmunk’s voice?
Darth Vader. It would be an adjustment, sure, but think of the voiceover work I could get.
4. Would you rather sail the Caribbean on a week long FREE cruise with the ship’s crew and 20 five-year-old children or shovel coal in a coal mine for a month?
I would rather do a lot of things than shovel coal in a mine for a month. Miners are amazing people who put up with shit I wouldn't in a million years. And while I don't much care for the idea of 20 five-year-old kids running around the ship with me, I'm pretty good with children even if I don't care for them as much, so I think I could manage.
5. Would you rather make an obscene phone call to your mother once a week or get a text message from your father every time he’s horny? Why?
This is so not a fair question for me, for obvious reasons. The only thing which makes it worth answering is the fact that my father is not tech-savvy at all, and getting texts from him every two minutes would get annoying. But I'd take that, because making obscene phone calls to my mother would annoy her. I'll take one for the team and know when my dad is horny, because I know when that happens often enough anyway.
6. Would you rather have dinner with all your exes at once or with five guys on death row having their last meal?
The exes. It would be awkward, but I don't think I could hold it together for five last meals. I'm not going to get political, but the death penalty and people about to die are two buttons of mine that I'd rather not push. Plus, dinner with all my exes at once would be a huge dinner, depending on the definition of ex, so I might not have to deal with them all at once. And most of my exes I either don't care about or I still get along with. There are one or two where it would be unpleasant, but I'd deal, I guess. Hell, some of my exes, we might have a wild orgy, and the other exes could just deal with that.
1. Would you rather be smart or awesome? Why?
I think it's pretty awesome to be smart. And I'm not at all sure what "awesome" means. I flatter myself to think that I'm fairly intelligent, and I'm not sure how much good that's done me, but I'd prefer it to some nebulous "awesomeness," I guess.
2. Would you rather french kiss a cat or pleasure a frog?
Have you ever felt a cat's tongue? Yeah, I'll pleasure the frog. Even if it means with my mouth. I'll suck a frog's dick over having my tonsils ripped apart by a cat's tongue.
3. Would you rather live the rest of your life with Darth Vader’s voice or Alvin the Chipmunk’s voice?
Darth Vader. It would be an adjustment, sure, but think of the voiceover work I could get.
4. Would you rather sail the Caribbean on a week long FREE cruise with the ship’s crew and 20 five-year-old children or shovel coal in a coal mine for a month?
I would rather do a lot of things than shovel coal in a mine for a month. Miners are amazing people who put up with shit I wouldn't in a million years. And while I don't much care for the idea of 20 five-year-old kids running around the ship with me, I'm pretty good with children even if I don't care for them as much, so I think I could manage.
5. Would you rather make an obscene phone call to your mother once a week or get a text message from your father every time he’s horny? Why?
This is so not a fair question for me, for obvious reasons. The only thing which makes it worth answering is the fact that my father is not tech-savvy at all, and getting texts from him every two minutes would get annoying. But I'd take that, because making obscene phone calls to my mother would annoy her. I'll take one for the team and know when my dad is horny, because I know when that happens often enough anyway.
6. Would you rather have dinner with all your exes at once or with five guys on death row having their last meal?
The exes. It would be awkward, but I don't think I could hold it together for five last meals. I'm not going to get political, but the death penalty and people about to die are two buttons of mine that I'd rather not push. Plus, dinner with all my exes at once would be a huge dinner, depending on the definition of ex, so I might not have to deal with them all at once. And most of my exes I either don't care about or I still get along with. There are one or two where it would be unpleasant, but I'd deal, I guess. Hell, some of my exes, we might have a wild orgy, and the other exes could just deal with that.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
TMI Tuesday
From the archives, with questions by various people you can find by consulting the previous link:
1. I once overheard in a bathroom, “There is nothing as over-rated as sex or under-rated as a good bowel movement.” Discuss.
I do think sex is overrated in the sense that people put too much emphasis on it. As a form of pleasure, I don't think it's overrated at all. BMs... maybe I've just never had a good one, but I'd rather have a cock in my ass.
2. Friendship lasts longer than cumming. which of your online friends that you’ve never met would you like to meet in real life? which do you think you could become life-long REAL friends with? Actual friends, like going out to coffee and movies with, gossiping with, kissing on the forehead, hugging, loving.
I'm not going to answer this one, except to say that I have online friends who run the gamut from basically just talking about sex to being close enough friends that I'm not sure meeting is necessary to be close.
3. In a parallel universe, who out of your blog or Twitter followers would you most like to spend a steamy evening with? What would you do? Why them?
I'm also not going to answer this one because I either don't know them or I would be hard-pressed to choose because they all seem like they'd be fun in the sack. But if I were giving away a one-night vacation to Lexi, other than a few things, it would be anything goes for as long as we could stand each other.
4.
a. What method of stimulation (intercourse, oral, manual, toy, whatever) gives you the strongest orgasm?
This is a tough question because I rarely do just one at a time. Oral and manual or oral and toy go together like a horse and carriage. And what is intercourse anyway? Does it have to be cock-in-pussy? I view lesbian sex as intercourse, and that's usually oral/toy/manual/other.
If I had to pick one though, I think toys might win for strongest. There are just so many different means of stimulation with toys. But it's not just about the type of stimulation; it's also about the situation, the partner, how horny I am, and sometimes random factors I don't even know. Masturbation with a toy is not going to compare to cock in pussy, unless that cock isn't being used well, in which case... you see my dilemma.
b. With what method of stimulation do you get the most orgasms?
I'm assuming, based on C, that this means aggregate, not, "What method provokes the most orgasms in a sitting?" or something like that. If I had to guess, I've had more orgasms from my fingers than anything else, but that's a guess.
c. If the answer to a is different from the answer to b, what’s wrong with your life?
I'm both lazy and I need more orgasms than most partners can give me. Why don't I use toys to masturbate? Toys may give me a stronger O, but I'm very good with my fingers and sometimes I just want a damn O, whether or not it's life-altering. I'm sure everyone can relate to rubbing out a quick one because you just want to cum.
5.Would you rather have a life where you only had sex once a year for 2 minutes or where you have to have sex, every day for a minimum of 2 hours?
The latter. I'd work it into my schedule. I'm not having two minutes a year.
Bonus:
Is there anyone on your partner’s side of the family you find hot? If you could hook up with them without anyone finding out (ever!) would you?
No. Sveta's parents aren't ugly or anything, but I'm not attracted to either of them, mostly because I don't care for her step-mom and I'm ambivalent toward her father. I've never met the rest of her family, although she has loads. And frankly, if I did find them hot, Sveta might not care if I went for it. I mean, she's had my family. That I don't like her family very much helps this be a non-issue.
1. I once overheard in a bathroom, “There is nothing as over-rated as sex or under-rated as a good bowel movement.” Discuss.
I do think sex is overrated in the sense that people put too much emphasis on it. As a form of pleasure, I don't think it's overrated at all. BMs... maybe I've just never had a good one, but I'd rather have a cock in my ass.
2. Friendship lasts longer than cumming. which of your online friends that you’ve never met would you like to meet in real life? which do you think you could become life-long REAL friends with? Actual friends, like going out to coffee and movies with, gossiping with, kissing on the forehead, hugging, loving.
I'm not going to answer this one, except to say that I have online friends who run the gamut from basically just talking about sex to being close enough friends that I'm not sure meeting is necessary to be close.
3. In a parallel universe, who out of your blog or Twitter followers would you most like to spend a steamy evening with? What would you do? Why them?
I'm also not going to answer this one because I either don't know them or I would be hard-pressed to choose because they all seem like they'd be fun in the sack. But if I were giving away a one-night vacation to Lexi, other than a few things, it would be anything goes for as long as we could stand each other.
4.
a. What method of stimulation (intercourse, oral, manual, toy, whatever) gives you the strongest orgasm?
This is a tough question because I rarely do just one at a time. Oral and manual or oral and toy go together like a horse and carriage. And what is intercourse anyway? Does it have to be cock-in-pussy? I view lesbian sex as intercourse, and that's usually oral/toy/manual/other.
If I had to pick one though, I think toys might win for strongest. There are just so many different means of stimulation with toys. But it's not just about the type of stimulation; it's also about the situation, the partner, how horny I am, and sometimes random factors I don't even know. Masturbation with a toy is not going to compare to cock in pussy, unless that cock isn't being used well, in which case... you see my dilemma.
b. With what method of stimulation do you get the most orgasms?
I'm assuming, based on C, that this means aggregate, not, "What method provokes the most orgasms in a sitting?" or something like that. If I had to guess, I've had more orgasms from my fingers than anything else, but that's a guess.
c. If the answer to a is different from the answer to b, what’s wrong with your life?
I'm both lazy and I need more orgasms than most partners can give me. Why don't I use toys to masturbate? Toys may give me a stronger O, but I'm very good with my fingers and sometimes I just want a damn O, whether or not it's life-altering. I'm sure everyone can relate to rubbing out a quick one because you just want to cum.
5.Would you rather have a life where you only had sex once a year for 2 minutes or where you have to have sex, every day for a minimum of 2 hours?
The latter. I'd work it into my schedule. I'm not having two minutes a year.
Bonus:
Is there anyone on your partner’s side of the family you find hot? If you could hook up with them without anyone finding out (ever!) would you?
No. Sveta's parents aren't ugly or anything, but I'm not attracted to either of them, mostly because I don't care for her step-mom and I'm ambivalent toward her father. I've never met the rest of her family, although she has loads. And frankly, if I did find them hot, Sveta might not care if I went for it. I mean, she's had my family. That I don't like her family very much helps this be a non-issue.
Monday, May 15, 2017
Follow-Up Questions With Mike
Advizor was kind enough to send a few follow-up questions, so since I got to chat with Mike the other day, I asked them. As always, Mike's words, but I have edited and massaged and so forth.
If things get serious with Mia would he share more of the family history?
I might. I've told a few previous girlfriends some things, like that I lost my virginity really young. It's not an easy thing to do because it's kind of risky, both from the standpoint of them immediately saying, "Ew, you're a freak" and leaving, and because they might either leave me at a later point and then spill their guts, or they might just let it slip. Sheri is much more risky about it than I am [Lexi note: she really is].
I told a girl I'd had sex with my sisters before, and she was into it. She said she'd fucked her uncle once and she didn't care. She liked talking about it with me, liked the taboo. But before I told her about me and Mom, she said she was okay with anything but having sex with parents, so I cut off those stories. We had a good time, led to some very nasty sex, but I think she was more interested in talking about her own experiences with it than she was in hearing mine. I worried a little when we broke up, but I can always say I was just telling her what she wanted to hear.
With Mia, I don't know. She's freaky in the sack and she's open to a lot of stuff. I don't know where the line is. I'd have to figure that out before I told her anything. I mean, if it got really serious, she'd have to meet the family and she'd have to find out, but that's way more serious than we are right now. I guess the best way forward would be to invite Lexi up and have a threesome with no brother-sister stuff at first, see how Mia reacted to that, then go from there. [Lexi note: okay, sounds good, let's do it.]
Are you or Sveta attracted to Mia?
This one's for me? You should answer that.
[Lexi note: okay, I will. We've never met her, but from the pictures she's very attractive and I would fuck her if asked. Sveta would too, I'm sure. She's cute. A few years younger than Mike but not a baby. He's got good taste.]
Last new thing Mike tried sexually? Did he ask for it or did Mia?
Mia is very open to the idea of finding a bi guy and watching him fuck me. Very open. Probably more open than I am. So the last new thing we've done was her pegging me with a strapon. Not really new I guess because I've done anal play before, but this was definitely me being a sub to her domme. I didn't get to fuck her that time at all; she fucked my ass hard and then made me jack off for her to watch. I liked it. Not as a regular thing, but it was fun. Since she's usually fairly submissive it was a shift for her, but she enjoyed herself. Probably something we're going to explore in future. The bi guy... might not happen because it's hard to find a unicorn period, let alone a guy unicorn who swings both ways. But if we ever did, she'd like that. It's a pity she doesn't know about Liam and Kevin because we could have a lot of fun with them. [Lexi note: yes. Yes they could.]
So that's it for the follow-ups, until someone else sends in more. Be like Advizor. Send me questions, for me, for Sveta, for anyone else I can ask. I'm happy to ask them.
If things get serious with Mia would he share more of the family history?
I might. I've told a few previous girlfriends some things, like that I lost my virginity really young. It's not an easy thing to do because it's kind of risky, both from the standpoint of them immediately saying, "Ew, you're a freak" and leaving, and because they might either leave me at a later point and then spill their guts, or they might just let it slip. Sheri is much more risky about it than I am [Lexi note: she really is].
I told a girl I'd had sex with my sisters before, and she was into it. She said she'd fucked her uncle once and she didn't care. She liked talking about it with me, liked the taboo. But before I told her about me and Mom, she said she was okay with anything but having sex with parents, so I cut off those stories. We had a good time, led to some very nasty sex, but I think she was more interested in talking about her own experiences with it than she was in hearing mine. I worried a little when we broke up, but I can always say I was just telling her what she wanted to hear.
With Mia, I don't know. She's freaky in the sack and she's open to a lot of stuff. I don't know where the line is. I'd have to figure that out before I told her anything. I mean, if it got really serious, she'd have to meet the family and she'd have to find out, but that's way more serious than we are right now. I guess the best way forward would be to invite Lexi up and have a threesome with no brother-sister stuff at first, see how Mia reacted to that, then go from there. [Lexi note: okay, sounds good, let's do it.]
Are you or Sveta attracted to Mia?
This one's for me? You should answer that.
[Lexi note: okay, I will. We've never met her, but from the pictures she's very attractive and I would fuck her if asked. Sveta would too, I'm sure. She's cute. A few years younger than Mike but not a baby. He's got good taste.]
Last new thing Mike tried sexually? Did he ask for it or did Mia?
Mia is very open to the idea of finding a bi guy and watching him fuck me. Very open. Probably more open than I am. So the last new thing we've done was her pegging me with a strapon. Not really new I guess because I've done anal play before, but this was definitely me being a sub to her domme. I didn't get to fuck her that time at all; she fucked my ass hard and then made me jack off for her to watch. I liked it. Not as a regular thing, but it was fun. Since she's usually fairly submissive it was a shift for her, but she enjoyed herself. Probably something we're going to explore in future. The bi guy... might not happen because it's hard to find a unicorn period, let alone a guy unicorn who swings both ways. But if we ever did, she'd like that. It's a pity she doesn't know about Liam and Kevin because we could have a lot of fun with them. [Lexi note: yes. Yes they could.]
So that's it for the follow-ups, until someone else sends in more. Be like Advizor. Send me questions, for me, for Sveta, for anyone else I can ask. I'm happy to ask them.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Being Fresh
Bob has a question:
"Here's a question for you: Have you ever slapped a guy? Like, for being 'fresh' or whatever?"
Good question.
I try not to be violent, as a rule. When I was younger, I was always larger than my peer group, and definitely larger than kids younger than me (what can I say? I've always been tall), and I got into trouble a few times "not knowing my own strength" and so forth. So I try not to get violent simply because it usually winds up blowing up in my face.
That said, leaving aside times when I've been mostly kidding (Mike has been slapped because he was being a jerk, but I pulled those punches), I can only think of a few times when I've even been tempted to slap someone. Shockingly, despite the fairer sex's reputation for bitchy catfights, I don't think I've ever slapped another girl. That's not to say I've never hurt another girl, just that it wasn't a slap.
With guys... I guess "fresh" has never been an issue for me. Or rather, that my level of "freshness" is different and if you cross that line, you're getting more than a slap.
Hey, I don't usually do this, but this next paragraph is about attempted sexual assault, so... unsexy, might be triggering, if you don't want to read it, skip it.
I kneed a guy in the balls once. In my defense (not that I think my action needs defending, but I know it's a painful area) he was beyond fresh, and I genuinely feared for my safety. It also didn't really work, in that he probably would have just gotten madder, but it did draw attention to the situation and brought things to a crashing halt. Had we been in a more secluded spot, I would probably have been in trouble, and had the police not been called, he would probably have assaulted and/or raped me. Fortunately for me, the situation resolved itself more pleasantly, which is to say that it was a giant pain in the ass and I wound up having to talk my way out of an assault charge myself because he claimed I was the aggressor, etc. etc. but I wasn't assaulted or raped and I didn't get charged with anything because a cop showed up who wasn't a total dick and believed me enough to realize that the guy was drunk and belligerent and I was not. Didn't believe me that the guy was trying to rape me though. Fun times.
But that's not really an answer.
The answer is that I've never slapped a guy for being "fresh." At the point in my life where guys were being "fresh" rather than assaulting me (and really, there's no difference, just that we excuse a lot of bad behavior in certain groups) I either was okay with it or I pushed them away but didn't slap them.
I have, however, slapped guys for things other than "freshness." They don't stand out in my memory particularly, but I can remember a few. I remember I gave a guy head once but told him in no uncertain terms that he was to cum in my mouth and not make a mess, so of course he proceeded to pull back and cum all over me. I stood up, gave him a look which should have terrified him, and he laughed and said something, I don't remember what, so I slapped him. Not "fresh" exactly, but I suppose if I were a different person it would have been a different situation and he would have gotten slapped for something more minor. He got pissed and stormed off, I had to endure the humiliation of people knowing what we had been doing because there was no way to clean up without walking past other people. I didn't care overly; I'm less prone to sexual humiliation. But I still cared, and it still made me embarrassed.
I also recall slapping a guy because he didn't ask whether he could just jam his cock up my ass. He had no way of knowing that it was okay. It was more fight-or-flight response than anything else, and he jammed and I whipped around and smacked him hard. And then screamed at him to get his shit and get the fuck out, if I remember correctly. I was supremely pissed because had he asked, anal was totally on the table, but you don't jam an unlubed cock up an unsuspecting ass, particularly if it's your first time with this person and you don't know whether she's even okay with the idea of anal. It's possible that I had a reputation for being okay with it, but it still wasn't cool. If he'd made moves in that direction without asking, maybe started working toward it like he was going to pull a fast one on me, most girls still would have slapped him even if I wouldn't have. But he just got me naked, bent me over, and with no prep work tried to fuck my ass. No sir.
I feel a little worse about that one because it was partially my state of mind at the time. If he'd caught me on a good day, the reaction would have been a lot less. I was just not interested in putting up with his shit. Not really an excuse, but I don't feel too bad about it.
Other than that, I can't think of any slaps which were memorable. I'm pretty sure I've slapped people in non-sexual situations too, not for any sexual license on their part but because I was pissed at them. But maybe not. Like I said, I try very hard not to get physically violent.
"Here's a question for you: Have you ever slapped a guy? Like, for being 'fresh' or whatever?"
Good question.
I try not to be violent, as a rule. When I was younger, I was always larger than my peer group, and definitely larger than kids younger than me (what can I say? I've always been tall), and I got into trouble a few times "not knowing my own strength" and so forth. So I try not to get violent simply because it usually winds up blowing up in my face.
That said, leaving aside times when I've been mostly kidding (Mike has been slapped because he was being a jerk, but I pulled those punches), I can only think of a few times when I've even been tempted to slap someone. Shockingly, despite the fairer sex's reputation for bitchy catfights, I don't think I've ever slapped another girl. That's not to say I've never hurt another girl, just that it wasn't a slap.
With guys... I guess "fresh" has never been an issue for me. Or rather, that my level of "freshness" is different and if you cross that line, you're getting more than a slap.
Hey, I don't usually do this, but this next paragraph is about attempted sexual assault, so... unsexy, might be triggering, if you don't want to read it, skip it.
I kneed a guy in the balls once. In my defense (not that I think my action needs defending, but I know it's a painful area) he was beyond fresh, and I genuinely feared for my safety. It also didn't really work, in that he probably would have just gotten madder, but it did draw attention to the situation and brought things to a crashing halt. Had we been in a more secluded spot, I would probably have been in trouble, and had the police not been called, he would probably have assaulted and/or raped me. Fortunately for me, the situation resolved itself more pleasantly, which is to say that it was a giant pain in the ass and I wound up having to talk my way out of an assault charge myself because he claimed I was the aggressor, etc. etc. but I wasn't assaulted or raped and I didn't get charged with anything because a cop showed up who wasn't a total dick and believed me enough to realize that the guy was drunk and belligerent and I was not. Didn't believe me that the guy was trying to rape me though. Fun times.
But that's not really an answer.
The answer is that I've never slapped a guy for being "fresh." At the point in my life where guys were being "fresh" rather than assaulting me (and really, there's no difference, just that we excuse a lot of bad behavior in certain groups) I either was okay with it or I pushed them away but didn't slap them.
I have, however, slapped guys for things other than "freshness." They don't stand out in my memory particularly, but I can remember a few. I remember I gave a guy head once but told him in no uncertain terms that he was to cum in my mouth and not make a mess, so of course he proceeded to pull back and cum all over me. I stood up, gave him a look which should have terrified him, and he laughed and said something, I don't remember what, so I slapped him. Not "fresh" exactly, but I suppose if I were a different person it would have been a different situation and he would have gotten slapped for something more minor. He got pissed and stormed off, I had to endure the humiliation of people knowing what we had been doing because there was no way to clean up without walking past other people. I didn't care overly; I'm less prone to sexual humiliation. But I still cared, and it still made me embarrassed.
I also recall slapping a guy because he didn't ask whether he could just jam his cock up my ass. He had no way of knowing that it was okay. It was more fight-or-flight response than anything else, and he jammed and I whipped around and smacked him hard. And then screamed at him to get his shit and get the fuck out, if I remember correctly. I was supremely pissed because had he asked, anal was totally on the table, but you don't jam an unlubed cock up an unsuspecting ass, particularly if it's your first time with this person and you don't know whether she's even okay with the idea of anal. It's possible that I had a reputation for being okay with it, but it still wasn't cool. If he'd made moves in that direction without asking, maybe started working toward it like he was going to pull a fast one on me, most girls still would have slapped him even if I wouldn't have. But he just got me naked, bent me over, and with no prep work tried to fuck my ass. No sir.
I feel a little worse about that one because it was partially my state of mind at the time. If he'd caught me on a good day, the reaction would have been a lot less. I was just not interested in putting up with his shit. Not really an excuse, but I don't feel too bad about it.
Other than that, I can't think of any slaps which were memorable. I'm pretty sure I've slapped people in non-sexual situations too, not for any sexual license on their part but because I was pissed at them. But maybe not. Like I said, I try very hard not to get physically violent.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
TMI Transportation
From the archives:
1. What type of vehicle do you use regularly? Truck, car, bike, etc.
We have cars. I borrow my parents' van sometimes when I need to move large things or they need my car for some reason.
2. Do you use public transportation–bus, train, metro/subway, cab? How often?
Vanishingly rarely. I don't live in a big mass-transit town. I wish I did, but most of the places I need to go I need to drive.
3. Have you ever had sex in/on public transportation? Tell us about it?
I think I've talked about fooling around in school buses before. I don't remember, and I don't remember what story I told, and I'm too lazy to go back and look it up. Other than that, nothing much to report, mostly because I'm so rarely on public transit.
4. I know most of you have had sex in a car or truck but how many times have you had sex in your present vehicle?
I've grown out of desiring car sex. It's uncomfortable and awkward for the most part. My current car hasn't been with me that long, but probably more than 20, less than 50.
5. When was the last time you had sex in car or truck type vehicle? Was it with a known person or a stranger?
I think the last time I had sex in my car was possibly with that guy I met while I was working my old job. I don't think it's happened since then, but I honestly can't remember.
6. Have you ever had sex on a bicycle or motorcycle?
No. The logistics of it must be a nightmare.
7. Stick shift or manual? Why?
8. Ever had sex on the hood of a car? (Hood = The part of a car that covers the engine and that can be raised. The British word is bonnet.)
I think I have, probably on vacation or something. It was more interesting because it was outside than because it was on the hood of a car.
Bonus: You are walking down the street. A very sexy and nude person (gender of your choice) pulls up next to you in their shiny new Mercedes Benz, they lower the window and say, “Do you want to ride in my Mercedes?” What do you do? Tell us what you want to do on that ride?
Have them drive me someplace more comfortable to fuck. Seriously, car sex is uncomfortable and awkward. I'm not saying it's never sexy because of the rawness of it (raw not in the sense of chafing) but if this person were already naked, I wouldn't care what the hell kind of car they were driving.
Bonus, bonus: What is the sexiest thing you have ever done in a vehicle?
Sex? Honestly, that's probably it. I've given head in vehicles and masturbated in vehicles, but sex is sexier than that, and other than that, I can't think of anything.
1. What type of vehicle do you use regularly? Truck, car, bike, etc.
We have cars. I borrow my parents' van sometimes when I need to move large things or they need my car for some reason.
2. Do you use public transportation–bus, train, metro/subway, cab? How often?
Vanishingly rarely. I don't live in a big mass-transit town. I wish I did, but most of the places I need to go I need to drive.
3. Have you ever had sex in/on public transportation? Tell us about it?
I think I've talked about fooling around in school buses before. I don't remember, and I don't remember what story I told, and I'm too lazy to go back and look it up. Other than that, nothing much to report, mostly because I'm so rarely on public transit.
4. I know most of you have had sex in a car or truck but how many times have you had sex in your present vehicle?
I've grown out of desiring car sex. It's uncomfortable and awkward for the most part. My current car hasn't been with me that long, but probably more than 20, less than 50.
5. When was the last time you had sex in car or truck type vehicle? Was it with a known person or a stranger?
I think the last time I had sex in my car was possibly with that guy I met while I was working my old job. I don't think it's happened since then, but I honestly can't remember.
6. Have you ever had sex on a bicycle or motorcycle?
No. The logistics of it must be a nightmare.
7. Stick shift or manual? Why?
8. Ever had sex on the hood of a car? (Hood = The part of a car that covers the engine and that can be raised. The British word is bonnet.)
I think I have, probably on vacation or something. It was more interesting because it was outside than because it was on the hood of a car.
Bonus: You are walking down the street. A very sexy and nude person (gender of your choice) pulls up next to you in their shiny new Mercedes Benz, they lower the window and say, “Do you want to ride in my Mercedes?” What do you do? Tell us what you want to do on that ride?
Have them drive me someplace more comfortable to fuck. Seriously, car sex is uncomfortable and awkward. I'm not saying it's never sexy because of the rawness of it (raw not in the sense of chafing) but if this person were already naked, I wouldn't care what the hell kind of car they were driving.
Bonus, bonus: What is the sexiest thing you have ever done in a vehicle?
Sex? Honestly, that's probably it. I've given head in vehicles and masturbated in vehicles, but sex is sexier than that, and other than that, I can't think of anything.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Q&A With Mike
I did one of these ages ago with Sheri and I got to talk with Mike the other day, so I decided I'd ask him if he'd be willing to do a bit of Q&A. That's not a double entendre for anything. Just questions and answers. As always, you can join in by emailing or DMing or commenting or any other way you can get ahold of me, if there are questions you'd like answered by my supporting cast. I'll be asking the same questions this time around, with edits and so forth just like last time. If it sounds like my phrasing, it's because it is. I punched up a few things to make it more interesting to read; most of the dialogue is interpreted and probably not actually what was said, but close enough. Yeah, like you were expecting the New York Times. I interpret. I enliven. It's all what he said, just finessed a bit.
#1 - What's your favorite position?
Depends on the girl. And what we're doing. With anal, it's got to be doggy. With you, I love missionary, and if the girl is good looking and has nice tits, missionary is very nice. But lately I've been into getting ridden, which has all the good stuff from missionary plus we can get a rhythm going better with both of us working at it.
#2 - What kind of porn are you watching lately?
Mother-son stuff. I guess I miss Mom. I like it when there's a younger girl involved too.
#3 - Who was the last girl you fucked?
[Lexi note: Mike has a fairly steady thing right now, so this question took a bit of drawing out, since initially he just said, "Come on, what kind of dumb question is that?"]
Mia [his current thing]. Last night she got home from work and wanted two orgasms. She said she wanted at least two, right out of the gate. I thought she meant her, but she wanted two from me. So we ordered a pizza which got cold, I fucked her mouth until I came on her tits, then she rode me hard, said the first one didn't count, made me get hard again, and told me it was all on me this time. She lay back and let me plow her, cute little wails and cumming and so forth, then I came on her face. She said that was what she wanted and then went to bed. I wasn't complaining. Sometimes Mia just needs to get fucked to destress a little.
#4 - How about the gentlemen?
[Lexi note: my brother has some bi curiosity, but he doesn't indulge in it beyond sometimes some ass play with toys. So he said, "Copying and pasting from Sheri's responses isn't going to work here." Which is true. But I wanted to copy and paste, so you get this instead.]
#5 - Most interesting recent partner?
[Lexi note: Mike and Mia aren't totally exclusive, but they share rather than going outside the partnership. As far as I know, she doesn't know about his family matters, so he's cheating on her if he has sex with any of the family, but I can't judge him both because he's my brother and because I've been in the same situation.]
Mia. Okay, no, that's not fair. Sheri's answer was all about deflowering a guy, and I've got nothing recent which was anywhere near that fun. Should I talk about the last time I popped a virgin?
[Lexi note: yes, because that sounds more interesting than your recent stuff.]
Okay, so the last girl I popped was legal but just, drunk at a party I was at, started coming on to me because she thought I was with the band. I wasn't, but she was hot and no other fish were biting, so I let her think I was. We started making out, she said she wanted to go somewhere quieter, so we went back to my room [Lexi note: it should be said here that Mike was not barely legal; this was probably last year and he's talking about a hotel room, not a dorm room.]
We got there, she's starting to get a little more sober and realizing she's committing to something she doesn't really want to commit to, so I told her it was fine, she could go, no biggie, I wasn't expecting anything [Lexi note: Mike, for any flaws he might have otherwise, is pretty decent]. I mean, I totally was expecting something, raring to go, but you know [Lexi note: I do].
So she leaves and I'm thinking about finding someplace to go, maybe pick up another girl, something. But I wound up jerking off in my room because I'm not as young as I used to be [Lexi note: then what were you doing at the party in the first place, dingus?]. I finished up, put something on the TV, and was getting ready to drift off when there's a knock on my door.
It's the girl again. I told her I'd be right there, threw some clothes back on, let her in. She says, "I'm sorry, I led you on, you hate me." Don't you just love drama? I really wanted to say, "No, I don't, get out and let me sleep," but she said, "You were such a good guy. Most guys would have just taken advantage. And... I just was nervous because I've never done anything like this before."
"Never hooked up in a hotel room after a party?"
"No, I mean..." And she was blushing and stammering and I could see what she was actually trying to say.
"You've never hooked up at all."
"I mean, I've made out with guys. But I came to college and I figured I'd, you know, and it just..."
"Look, you were drunk, people make mistakes, whatever. I'm sorry I put you in this position. You didn't need to apologize. And maybe next time, don't go back to a stranger's hotel room because bad things happen. You should have someone to watch your back."
Turns out that her buddy was even more drunk than she was, so yeah, choices.
But then she said, "You're so awesome. I... I want to do it with you. I want you to. I'm not drunk any more and I want to do it."
Well okay then. So we started making out again, and she was still pretty shy about it, and I kept telling her we didn't have to do this, but she seemed like she was going to go ahead with it. "I just want to do it," she said.
Her body was very nice, once I got her clothes off, and her being shy was kind of cute. Innocent, you know? I was ready to go again [Lexi note: when isn't he?] but you'd be proud, I took my time, I got her comfortable. Once I gave her permission to be sexual, she even rubbed her pussy a little before I said I was going to get her really comfortable and ate her out. No orgasm but she relaxed.
Then I got my own clothes off. She wasn't surprised by my cock like some girls are [Lexi note: he's not saying he's huge, although he's perfectly respectable, just that virgins sometimes haven't even ever seen a cock before] and she asked me if I wanted her to do anything. I just told her I was going to fuck her and that was all she had to worry about [Lexi note: I sure hope those weren't the exact words he used, because that's all you need to do is bring up worry at a time like this].
She took me like a champ. Between her juice and the condom, I didn't have to do much to get inside her. No blood, which I'll admit disappointed me a little. It didn't even hurt her. She just lay back and looked happy until I pulled back and rocked a little, and then her eyes got wide and she started gasping. Didn't want to wear her out, but after having jerked off not too long ago, I was going to last for a while, so I tried to go slow and steady.
I think she came on me. I'm not sure. I hope so. She certainly seemed to be enjoying herself. But after a while, she asked me if I wanted to switch positions, so we spooned. I wrapped her tits in my hands and God they were nice college teen tits. I felt like I was going to go on forever though, so I sped up a little and she begged me to be gentle. So I had to slowly, slowly fuck, and after the novelty wore off, it wasn't that great. I mean, she felt great, and her body was amazing, but she was kind of like a warm sex doll, not much reaction beyond moaning and occasionally squeezing her pussy on me.
But I can force myself to cum if I have to, so I did. I asked her where she wanted her first jizz, and she looked a little startled. "I don't know, where do you usually cum?"
I didn't tell her I usually like to cum in a pussy or an ass. "If you don't feel like it in your mouth, that's okay. I can just cum in the condom."
But she wanted the full experience, so I pulled out and did the porno thing where the guy stands there forever wanking for the money shot. I settled on her tits because she didn't seem like she wanted a facial. The orgasm was lousy and forced, but she thought it was the greatest thing ever. She played with it with her finger, but she didn't taste.
She wanted to know if she could stay the night because she had nowhere else to go. I really needed to get to sleep because I actually had things to do the next day. She said she'd make it worth my while and was reaching for my cock like she was trying to pick up a hot poker, but I told her that wasn't necessary, and if she wanted to stay that was fine but she didn't need to sleep with me. But she was all over me, even if she wasn't all over my cock, saying how great I was, and damn it I have an ego just like everyone else. So even though I had planned on giving her the bed and sleeping on the couch, we wound up sleeping together.
Even though she said she was up for more, she was out like a light about five minutes later, curled up next to me. In the morning I was all set to get up and go for the continental breakfast, but she was there all big-eyed and naked and saying she knew she'd never see me again and that I was the best and she wanted me again before I left, so what was I going to do?
I fingered her while we kissed and she even got up her courage and started stroking my cock. Then I pulled on another condom and let her straddle me. I think she was sore because it was even slower and gentler than before, and I really just wanted to grab her hips and fuck her silly and get it out of her system so I could maybe get a shower and then maybe grab the dregs of continental breakfast. God though, she had a tight little body and it was fun watching her giggling and rocking. I told her I wanted to make her cum and she liked that idea, so I tweaked her nipples and she rubbed her clit while bouncing and finally she said, like she was proud, "I'm going to cum." Her orgasm was disappointing too, a quick gasp and flutter and then she was lying on my chest and telling me how amazing I was again and I was getting tired of it all.
"I'm going to fuck you a little harder, okay?"
"Okay." And to her credit she put up with a bit more rough, maybe a 2 on the dial instead of a 1. I let her lie there and grabbed her ass and pressed up, speeding up until she said no more. She even let me run my fingers over her ass without saying anything. And I didn't bother to ask, just rolled her off me like a sack of potatoes, pulled off the condom, and jerked it again until she moved her head over without saying anything and opened her mouth. So if she was going to let me...
I even got a few little licks and sucks, which was enough, and I held her in place and then shot onto her tongue and lips. Another really weak orgasm, but the volume was impressive. I don't think she was expecting as much as there was, and I certainly wasn't. She looked like I had splashed her face with cold water. But she let me cum on her tongue with only a little flinching.
Honestly, the best part, and the part I wish had happened sooner because we could have have way more fun, was that she said, "It tastes a little funny," but then swallowed and licked her lips. "Not bad though. I could do that again."
We didn't though. I didn't get breakfast. She wanted to stay, I think, but I told her that I really did have places to go, people to see, things to do, and no, I wouldn't be going to that party tonight. So she left after showering and I never saw her again. I mean, it was fun, but it was also kind of a drag. I like the virgins who are raring to go and want to learn. I bet she went back to college with a story to tell and got fucked by a bunch of assholes while drunk.
#6 - Worst sex recently?
Mia brought home this woman a few weeks ago, older than us, and I wasn't attracted to her at all, but I went along with it for Mia because she was so proud she'd picked up a woman for a threesome [Lexi note: I guess Mia is as inexperienced in this regard as Sveta is, or they usually pick up a third together or something]. The woman was not my type. Mia said after that she wasn't really her type either, but had said yes. So we had a pretty pedestrian threesome with this woman who was mostly looking to get hers from both of us, like she was doing us a favor by agreeing to be shared. Mia didn't get any oral at all, and I only got some while Mia was eating the woman out. Her pussy was sloppy, her tits were saggy, and she just wasn't much of a lay even leaving out the shallow stuff. She had a great time, drank a bunch of our liquor, and has asked us if we want to do it again, but we're always busy, wouldn't you know.
Again, if you've got any questions for anyone I can ask, including me, send them along. This was just some random shit questions I thought up way back when, and while we managed to get a good virgin story out of them, they're pretty basic. Feel free to ask specifics.
#1 - What's your favorite position?
Depends on the girl. And what we're doing. With anal, it's got to be doggy. With you, I love missionary, and if the girl is good looking and has nice tits, missionary is very nice. But lately I've been into getting ridden, which has all the good stuff from missionary plus we can get a rhythm going better with both of us working at it.
#2 - What kind of porn are you watching lately?
Mother-son stuff. I guess I miss Mom. I like it when there's a younger girl involved too.
#3 - Who was the last girl you fucked?
[Lexi note: Mike has a fairly steady thing right now, so this question took a bit of drawing out, since initially he just said, "Come on, what kind of dumb question is that?"]
Mia [his current thing]. Last night she got home from work and wanted two orgasms. She said she wanted at least two, right out of the gate. I thought she meant her, but she wanted two from me. So we ordered a pizza which got cold, I fucked her mouth until I came on her tits, then she rode me hard, said the first one didn't count, made me get hard again, and told me it was all on me this time. She lay back and let me plow her, cute little wails and cumming and so forth, then I came on her face. She said that was what she wanted and then went to bed. I wasn't complaining. Sometimes Mia just needs to get fucked to destress a little.
#4 - How about the gentlemen?
[Lexi note: my brother has some bi curiosity, but he doesn't indulge in it beyond sometimes some ass play with toys. So he said, "Copying and pasting from Sheri's responses isn't going to work here." Which is true. But I wanted to copy and paste, so you get this instead.]
#5 - Most interesting recent partner?
[Lexi note: Mike and Mia aren't totally exclusive, but they share rather than going outside the partnership. As far as I know, she doesn't know about his family matters, so he's cheating on her if he has sex with any of the family, but I can't judge him both because he's my brother and because I've been in the same situation.]
Mia. Okay, no, that's not fair. Sheri's answer was all about deflowering a guy, and I've got nothing recent which was anywhere near that fun. Should I talk about the last time I popped a virgin?
[Lexi note: yes, because that sounds more interesting than your recent stuff.]
Okay, so the last girl I popped was legal but just, drunk at a party I was at, started coming on to me because she thought I was with the band. I wasn't, but she was hot and no other fish were biting, so I let her think I was. We started making out, she said she wanted to go somewhere quieter, so we went back to my room [Lexi note: it should be said here that Mike was not barely legal; this was probably last year and he's talking about a hotel room, not a dorm room.]
We got there, she's starting to get a little more sober and realizing she's committing to something she doesn't really want to commit to, so I told her it was fine, she could go, no biggie, I wasn't expecting anything [Lexi note: Mike, for any flaws he might have otherwise, is pretty decent]. I mean, I totally was expecting something, raring to go, but you know [Lexi note: I do].
So she leaves and I'm thinking about finding someplace to go, maybe pick up another girl, something. But I wound up jerking off in my room because I'm not as young as I used to be [Lexi note: then what were you doing at the party in the first place, dingus?]. I finished up, put something on the TV, and was getting ready to drift off when there's a knock on my door.
It's the girl again. I told her I'd be right there, threw some clothes back on, let her in. She says, "I'm sorry, I led you on, you hate me." Don't you just love drama? I really wanted to say, "No, I don't, get out and let me sleep," but she said, "You were such a good guy. Most guys would have just taken advantage. And... I just was nervous because I've never done anything like this before."
"Never hooked up in a hotel room after a party?"
"No, I mean..." And she was blushing and stammering and I could see what she was actually trying to say.
"You've never hooked up at all."
"I mean, I've made out with guys. But I came to college and I figured I'd, you know, and it just..."
"Look, you were drunk, people make mistakes, whatever. I'm sorry I put you in this position. You didn't need to apologize. And maybe next time, don't go back to a stranger's hotel room because bad things happen. You should have someone to watch your back."
Turns out that her buddy was even more drunk than she was, so yeah, choices.
But then she said, "You're so awesome. I... I want to do it with you. I want you to. I'm not drunk any more and I want to do it."
Well okay then. So we started making out again, and she was still pretty shy about it, and I kept telling her we didn't have to do this, but she seemed like she was going to go ahead with it. "I just want to do it," she said.
Her body was very nice, once I got her clothes off, and her being shy was kind of cute. Innocent, you know? I was ready to go again [Lexi note: when isn't he?] but you'd be proud, I took my time, I got her comfortable. Once I gave her permission to be sexual, she even rubbed her pussy a little before I said I was going to get her really comfortable and ate her out. No orgasm but she relaxed.
Then I got my own clothes off. She wasn't surprised by my cock like some girls are [Lexi note: he's not saying he's huge, although he's perfectly respectable, just that virgins sometimes haven't even ever seen a cock before] and she asked me if I wanted her to do anything. I just told her I was going to fuck her and that was all she had to worry about [Lexi note: I sure hope those weren't the exact words he used, because that's all you need to do is bring up worry at a time like this].
She took me like a champ. Between her juice and the condom, I didn't have to do much to get inside her. No blood, which I'll admit disappointed me a little. It didn't even hurt her. She just lay back and looked happy until I pulled back and rocked a little, and then her eyes got wide and she started gasping. Didn't want to wear her out, but after having jerked off not too long ago, I was going to last for a while, so I tried to go slow and steady.
I think she came on me. I'm not sure. I hope so. She certainly seemed to be enjoying herself. But after a while, she asked me if I wanted to switch positions, so we spooned. I wrapped her tits in my hands and God they were nice college teen tits. I felt like I was going to go on forever though, so I sped up a little and she begged me to be gentle. So I had to slowly, slowly fuck, and after the novelty wore off, it wasn't that great. I mean, she felt great, and her body was amazing, but she was kind of like a warm sex doll, not much reaction beyond moaning and occasionally squeezing her pussy on me.
But I can force myself to cum if I have to, so I did. I asked her where she wanted her first jizz, and she looked a little startled. "I don't know, where do you usually cum?"
I didn't tell her I usually like to cum in a pussy or an ass. "If you don't feel like it in your mouth, that's okay. I can just cum in the condom."
But she wanted the full experience, so I pulled out and did the porno thing where the guy stands there forever wanking for the money shot. I settled on her tits because she didn't seem like she wanted a facial. The orgasm was lousy and forced, but she thought it was the greatest thing ever. She played with it with her finger, but she didn't taste.
She wanted to know if she could stay the night because she had nowhere else to go. I really needed to get to sleep because I actually had things to do the next day. She said she'd make it worth my while and was reaching for my cock like she was trying to pick up a hot poker, but I told her that wasn't necessary, and if she wanted to stay that was fine but she didn't need to sleep with me. But she was all over me, even if she wasn't all over my cock, saying how great I was, and damn it I have an ego just like everyone else. So even though I had planned on giving her the bed and sleeping on the couch, we wound up sleeping together.
Even though she said she was up for more, she was out like a light about five minutes later, curled up next to me. In the morning I was all set to get up and go for the continental breakfast, but she was there all big-eyed and naked and saying she knew she'd never see me again and that I was the best and she wanted me again before I left, so what was I going to do?
I fingered her while we kissed and she even got up her courage and started stroking my cock. Then I pulled on another condom and let her straddle me. I think she was sore because it was even slower and gentler than before, and I really just wanted to grab her hips and fuck her silly and get it out of her system so I could maybe get a shower and then maybe grab the dregs of continental breakfast. God though, she had a tight little body and it was fun watching her giggling and rocking. I told her I wanted to make her cum and she liked that idea, so I tweaked her nipples and she rubbed her clit while bouncing and finally she said, like she was proud, "I'm going to cum." Her orgasm was disappointing too, a quick gasp and flutter and then she was lying on my chest and telling me how amazing I was again and I was getting tired of it all.
"I'm going to fuck you a little harder, okay?"
"Okay." And to her credit she put up with a bit more rough, maybe a 2 on the dial instead of a 1. I let her lie there and grabbed her ass and pressed up, speeding up until she said no more. She even let me run my fingers over her ass without saying anything. And I didn't bother to ask, just rolled her off me like a sack of potatoes, pulled off the condom, and jerked it again until she moved her head over without saying anything and opened her mouth. So if she was going to let me...
I even got a few little licks and sucks, which was enough, and I held her in place and then shot onto her tongue and lips. Another really weak orgasm, but the volume was impressive. I don't think she was expecting as much as there was, and I certainly wasn't. She looked like I had splashed her face with cold water. But she let me cum on her tongue with only a little flinching.
Honestly, the best part, and the part I wish had happened sooner because we could have have way more fun, was that she said, "It tastes a little funny," but then swallowed and licked her lips. "Not bad though. I could do that again."
We didn't though. I didn't get breakfast. She wanted to stay, I think, but I told her that I really did have places to go, people to see, things to do, and no, I wouldn't be going to that party tonight. So she left after showering and I never saw her again. I mean, it was fun, but it was also kind of a drag. I like the virgins who are raring to go and want to learn. I bet she went back to college with a story to tell and got fucked by a bunch of assholes while drunk.
#6 - Worst sex recently?
Mia brought home this woman a few weeks ago, older than us, and I wasn't attracted to her at all, but I went along with it for Mia because she was so proud she'd picked up a woman for a threesome [Lexi note: I guess Mia is as inexperienced in this regard as Sveta is, or they usually pick up a third together or something]. The woman was not my type. Mia said after that she wasn't really her type either, but had said yes. So we had a pretty pedestrian threesome with this woman who was mostly looking to get hers from both of us, like she was doing us a favor by agreeing to be shared. Mia didn't get any oral at all, and I only got some while Mia was eating the woman out. Her pussy was sloppy, her tits were saggy, and she just wasn't much of a lay even leaving out the shallow stuff. She had a great time, drank a bunch of our liquor, and has asked us if we want to do it again, but we're always busy, wouldn't you know.
Again, if you've got any questions for anyone I can ask, including me, send them along. This was just some random shit questions I thought up way back when, and while we managed to get a good virgin story out of them, they're pretty basic. Feel free to ask specifics.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
TMI Tuesday
From the archives:
1. What strange areas of your body are ticklish?
What's a strange area to be ticklish? The inside of my eyelids or something? I don't know. I can be ticklish all over. Sveta likes to tickle the fold at the base of my ass cheek where it meets my thigh. But I imagine that's not all that weird a place to be ticklish. Sometimes the roof of my mouth tickles when I have really bad sinuses.
2. What is something you are interested in sexually, but only on a purely fantasy level? Something that you think about but could never fully act on.
Hardcore D/s stuff, probably. I don't think I could ever actually do it because I don't like not being in control, but I do fantasize about it sometimes. Usually involving either rape or toilet play. But I'm also a perv, so there's plenty of fantasies I have which I would never act on in real life.
3. If you could have a week of the best sex ever in human history but you had to have a fish head as your head for the rest of your life, after that week, would you do it?
Good lord no. That's not even a choice. I like sex, and mindblowing sex is great, but a fish head? That would pretty much ruin the rest of my life.
4. What do you consider taboo and have you ever ventured into this territory? Was it a great, good, bad or horrific experience?
Well, I don't consider a lot of things I do taboo but certainly the rest of the world does. Leaving that aside, I'm fairly taboo about scat and analingus, and I've ventured into both as I've mentioned in the past. But I'm not sure that's a taboo and not just a personal preference. I don't consider them scandalous, just not something I usually enjoy. Although I'm coming to enjoy rimming more because of my partners.
5. What part of your body do you consider the most unusual that you enjoy being stimulated?
I really like it when Sveta strokes that fold between ass and thigh? I like it when people press the wall between my pussy and asshole. It doesn't have to be DP. In fact, DP is a holistic experience where I usually don't get to concentrate on one sensation. But if you put your thumb in my ass and your middle finger in my pussy and pinch between them, I enjoy that a lot. Give it a try sometime: it's much better than generic "shocker" bullshit. Give your partner a massage, don't just squeeze. It can be a great way to work up to DP or even anal. Hell, get two little hook vibes, put one on each side, and rather than concentrating the pussy one up as one normally does, hook it down against the other one and start slow.
Bonus:
If you could make a porn film/video with any celebrity, who would it be and why?
I have a few celebrity crushes, but not really anything I'd make a porno over. If I had to pick a guy, I'm going to just throw out Joseph Gordon Levitt because he's cute. But I could pick someone else. For a lady... that would be a very tough choice. We're assuming this is consensual of course: I meet them and they say, "Hey, you know what, I think we should make a porno." I honestly don't know, so I'll just randomly throw out Emily Browning because she's also very cute.
Of course, if I were being practical, there are all sorts of celebrities I could pick because I could sell the resulting tape for all the money. I would totally take one for the team to do that for some people. Yes, I need money.
1. What strange areas of your body are ticklish?
What's a strange area to be ticklish? The inside of my eyelids or something? I don't know. I can be ticklish all over. Sveta likes to tickle the fold at the base of my ass cheek where it meets my thigh. But I imagine that's not all that weird a place to be ticklish. Sometimes the roof of my mouth tickles when I have really bad sinuses.
2. What is something you are interested in sexually, but only on a purely fantasy level? Something that you think about but could never fully act on.
Hardcore D/s stuff, probably. I don't think I could ever actually do it because I don't like not being in control, but I do fantasize about it sometimes. Usually involving either rape or toilet play. But I'm also a perv, so there's plenty of fantasies I have which I would never act on in real life.
3. If you could have a week of the best sex ever in human history but you had to have a fish head as your head for the rest of your life, after that week, would you do it?
Good lord no. That's not even a choice. I like sex, and mindblowing sex is great, but a fish head? That would pretty much ruin the rest of my life.
4. What do you consider taboo and have you ever ventured into this territory? Was it a great, good, bad or horrific experience?
Well, I don't consider a lot of things I do taboo but certainly the rest of the world does. Leaving that aside, I'm fairly taboo about scat and analingus, and I've ventured into both as I've mentioned in the past. But I'm not sure that's a taboo and not just a personal preference. I don't consider them scandalous, just not something I usually enjoy. Although I'm coming to enjoy rimming more because of my partners.
5. What part of your body do you consider the most unusual that you enjoy being stimulated?
I really like it when Sveta strokes that fold between ass and thigh? I like it when people press the wall between my pussy and asshole. It doesn't have to be DP. In fact, DP is a holistic experience where I usually don't get to concentrate on one sensation. But if you put your thumb in my ass and your middle finger in my pussy and pinch between them, I enjoy that a lot. Give it a try sometime: it's much better than generic "shocker" bullshit. Give your partner a massage, don't just squeeze. It can be a great way to work up to DP or even anal. Hell, get two little hook vibes, put one on each side, and rather than concentrating the pussy one up as one normally does, hook it down against the other one and start slow.
Bonus:
If you could make a porn film/video with any celebrity, who would it be and why?
I have a few celebrity crushes, but not really anything I'd make a porno over. If I had to pick a guy, I'm going to just throw out Joseph Gordon Levitt because he's cute. But I could pick someone else. For a lady... that would be a very tough choice. We're assuming this is consensual of course: I meet them and they say, "Hey, you know what, I think we should make a porno." I honestly don't know, so I'll just randomly throw out Emily Browning because she's also very cute.
Of course, if I were being practical, there are all sorts of celebrities I could pick because I could sell the resulting tape for all the money. I would totally take one for the team to do that for some people. Yes, I need money.
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