Random Thoughts On Oral Sex

Hey everyone. I had this thought on the way to work and felt like maybe it was worth sharing, and then on the way back from work I had it again, so clearly it wasn't just a one-off.

If you want to improve your tongue dexterity, here's something you might try (not a silver bullet and your mileage will most definitely vary to the point where I might get two millions miles to the gallon and you get fifteen feet from the garage and then the tank is bone-dry and you're looking at the gauge and wondering just what the Hell kind of bitch I am for having sold you this lemon of a gas-guzzler, imagining me on a beach somewhere with your hard-earned moola laughing my ass off at you like you're some kind of sucker, only you're not because I never sold it to you at all, so caveat emptor doesn't even apply in this case, more like caveat auditor or something). I stress might. What, you skipped over the parenthetical phrase? Go back and read it.

Buy yourself some sunflower seeds in the shell. The kind baseball players eat when they're not chewing tobacco. The kind that make you look like some kind of horrible rube. But buy them anyway.

Now, chances are good that, if you've purchased them in the past, you already know what I'm going to say, so you can probably skip the rest of this. But maybe you bought them before and wondered how to eat them, then either tried cracking them one by one with your fingers or teeth and gave up or stuffed a bunch in your mouth and chewed until you had a horrible scratchy cud going on, then either spit it out and felt disgusted with yourself, or swallowed it. Maybe you're one of those people who actually likes to eat the shells. There are people who feel that way about shrimp too.

But this time, take some seeds and put them in your mouth and try to eat nothing but the kernel with nothing but your teeth, lips, and tongue. It's hard at first, I know (yes, I know there are those in the back of the class who are snickering, secure in the knowledge that they've been doing this for years; this is not really addressed at you). But eventually you should get to the point where you can store the whole seeds in one cheek, pull one at a time out with your tongue and lips, split the shell with your teeth, chew the kernel on the other side of your mouth, then spit the empty shell out without leaving a trail of drool down your chin. This is what we do for fun where I come from.

Okay, not really. It took some practice to get out of the "aw fuck it, let's just chew up the whole thing and hope" phase and then even more to get out of the "only one seed at a time otherwise things go horribly wrong" phase. Much of that practice came about because I had mostly given up smoking and had to do something or I'd go insane. Don't practice indoors.

No, this wasn't intended to be a reminiscence on misspent youth, nor on the rather disgusting habit of spitting. I don't do it in polite company. It was intended to be an achievable goal. Everyone always talks about feats of tongue gymnastics like being able to tie a cherry stem in a knot with nothing but your tongue, but maneuvering seeds around your mouth before they get all soggy and pulling the kernels out of them will give you a real sense of what you can do with your tongue.

And what are tongues used for, kids? That's right! Oral sex! Keep a limber tongue in your head at all times, children, and good things will follow.