Okay, because work got out early, I decided to steal 21 Questions from France (who in turn got it from someone else). But it's not just me answering this time. I asked Sveta, Mom, and Dad to answer as well, because trivia loves company.
My answers are in red, Sveta's are in pink, Mom's are in green, and Dad's are in blue. Yes, I'll probably screw this up, which is why I'll be labeling our dialogue as well, since it was more of a conversation on topics than a Q&A session. And since I was transcribing, I edited a bit too.
1. Sex in a cemetery or a Walmart bathroom?
ME: Bathroom. They keep them fairly clean. I mean, if any of you died, I'd come and have sex on your grave, just so you could watch from the afterlife, but until then...
SVETA: Only if you made me would I do either.
DAD: I've had sex in a cemetery.
MOM: Me too.
ME: Where haven't you had sex?
DAD: The White House?
MOM: Just you wait...
2. Are you a voyeur or exhibitionist?
ME: A bit of both, but probably more voyeur.
DAD: Says she who will be writing this up on her blog.
MOM: I was an exhibitionist back in the day, but now I'm happy with watching other, younger, crazier people if it's a choice.
DAD: I'm a dirty old man; that's the only thing I can be at this age.
ME: So are you the kind who wears a trench coat and flashes schoolgirls, or the kind who leers?
DAD: Leers.
SVETA (simultaneously): Flashes.
DAD: Okay, guilty as charged.
SVETA: I like being flashed.
3. Do you take dirty/sexy pictures of yourself with your cell?
DAD: What's that you say? You can take pictures with the telephone now? Eh? I think my hearing aid has gone out.
SVETA: Yes.
ME: We'll talk about this later young lady.
4. If you were a hooker/pimp what would your name be?
SVETA: Um... Sveta? [Editor's note: she actually said Sveta, not her real name]
ME: Okay, then if we're going into business together, I'll be Oola.
DAD: I think you all will do just fine without a pimp, so I'm disqualifying myself from answering.
MOM: Me too.
5. And how much would you charge?
SVETA: I don't know what the rates are.
ME: Yeah, me neither. Probably a lot.
DAD: Worth every penny.
MOM: I thought you said you weren't going to be their pimp?
DAD: What, I can't be an unbiased observer offering consumer reports?
MOM: Seriously, no amount of money is good enough for you two, or for anyone in this family.
6. How long should foreplay last?
SVETA: A long time.
ME: I sense a hint here.
SVETA: No, I mean, it lasts plenty long with you.
DAD: All I get these days is foreplay, so as long as possible please.
ME: I think there's a limit; I mean, at a certain point, I want to move beyond foreplay. But I guess that depends on your definition of foreplay.
MOM: When you get older, you'll appreciate foreplay more than the act itself.
ME: Not likely.
MOM: Okay, fine, I like to get to it at a certain point too. There's a difference between attentive to my needs and secretly terrified to go any further. Or believer in too much Tantra.
DAD: But it's so much fun.
MOM: You're exempted, honey. I can never have enough foreplay with you.
ME: Get a room you two.
7. Do you own any butt plugs?
ME: Yes. Oh yes.
SVETA: Me too.
MOM: I owned one once. Never got used.
DAD: Ditto.
8. Hotel Sex with the curtains open? Ever done it?
ME: Yes. Lots of times. I guess we should have closed the curtains sometimes.
SVETA: No... wait, maybe, I don't remember.
DAD: Sure you have. If not, we need to find a hotel. You can't be in this club if you haven't boinked up against the glass for everyone to see.
MOM: Don't encourage him.
9. Sex at the in-laws or parents of whom you are dating?
SVETA: When haven't I done that?
ME: Once or twice, I think. I'm given to understand that you and Ernst may have...
SVETA: Okay, so you've got me there.
DAD: Actually, I'm not sure I ever have. Probably. But most of the time, I brought dates back to my house.
MOM: Aside from some things which I'll disqualify, I'm not sure I have either; your father didn't have that situation. Although I did go home with him plenty of times.
10. Feathers or Whips?
ME: I guess, if I have to pick, feathers.
SVETA: Yeah, I guess. Although I might try whips.
ME: Uh oh.
DAD: Feathers for me too; never been a fan of whips. Unless we're talking about cattle herding, in which case, whips.
MOM: I don't think we're talking about herding cattle.
DAD: Okay, you might be right.
MOM: There was a time when the answer might have been different, but I think we're a feathers-type family at this point. Not that I really want to be tickled either.
11. Would you let your partner shave you?
ME: I think we did that once, didn't we?
SVETA: I don't remember. But I'd let you.
ME: It's not really that erotic.
SVETA: I don't know.
ME: Would you let someone other than me do it?
SVETA: I guess. Maybe not.
DAD: I went through that phase, thank you, and I'm glad to be past it.
MOM: So am I.
12. Where is your favorite place to have sex?
ME: On my parents' bed.
SVETA: Somewhere in this house.
DAD: Ditto to that.
MOM: What, no one's going to say the Eiffel Tower?
SVETA: I thought you said it was the White House.
13. Do you remember your first time?
ME: Oh yeah.
DAD: I remember your first time too, girly.
SVETA: I remember my first time with the family more than I remember my first first time, but I remember that too.
MOM: There are all sorts of first times. I think it's best to remember the ones worth remembering. But I remember mine.
DAD: I remember a lot of firsts, but my first actual time... it's a bit hazy, but I remember it a little.
14. Where was your first time and how was the sex?
ME: In my favorite place and fantastic.
SVETA: Ditto and more than ditto.
DAD: At your uncle's house. If I can't remember it that well, it can't have been awful but it can't have been the greatest.
MOM: Yeah, mine was terrible.
DAD: How about our first time? I remember that like it was yesterday.
MOM: That was worth remembering. I think that was the first time I felt like someone loved me.
DAD: We made love on the back porch, remember?
MOM: Twice, then the mosquitoes got too intense. I had bites on my butt for days. Itched like the dickens.
DAD: But worth it.
MOM: Oh yes.
15. Role play for a minute? Who would you be?
ME: Karl, Frost Warrior with a +1 Battle Axe.
[total silence]
ME: Oh come on, you know, roleplaying? Dungeons and Dragons? Okay, fine, be party poopers. I guess I'd like to be Oola for a minute, as long as Sveta will come and stand on the corner with me.
SVETA: Okay!
[At this point, we struck hooker poses while Mom and Dad laughed.]
ME: Oh, I see; prostitute humor gets you, but not nerd humor.
DAD: Can I roleplay a john please?
ME: Let's finish the questions first.
16. Sex in front of a mirror?
MOM: Done it, wasn't all that interesting.
DAD: Me too, although with the three of you...
ME: You should have had them install the mirror in the bedroom.
SVETA: What's the point?
MOM: A gal after my own heart.
ME: I've done it too. I had to be careful not to get sucked into my own face.
SVETA: Like the Matrix?
ME: Shut up.
17. A song that makes you think of sex.
SVETA: Right now, pretty much anything that isn't death metal.
ME: This is like a "favorite song" question. I have a hard time coming up with anything but a random response.
MOM: Let's Get It On?
DAD: Dear, not with the children watching!
ME: You all rehearsed that, didn't you?
MOM: No, that song makes me think of sex. I even like Jack Black's version.
DAD: You Ain't Goin' Nowhere by Dylan.
ME: Ooh, that's a good one. But so is Let's Get It On, although the Marvin Gaye version is better. How about Barry White?
SVETA: Something from this decade.
ME: All the music from this decade sucks.
SVETA: Old fogey.
ME: Young whippersnapper.
MOM: Okay kids, not in front of the parents.
18. Are you horny right now?
ME: Okay, on three, one, two, three:
EVERYONE: Yes.
19. What is your favorite body part on yourself and do you show it off?
SVETA: I hate this kind of question.
ME: Come on, you're beautiful.
DAD: I second that.
MOM: I third it.
SVETA: Okay, fine, I like my eyes.
ME: Chump answer.
SVETA: I do.
ME: Okay, fine. I guess I like my ass.
SVETA: Me too.
DAD: I second that.
MOM: It's a very nice butt dear, but you know me; I'm not going to third it this time.
DAD: I'm too old to answer this kind of question.
MOM: I'm quite fond of your lips.
DAD: Okay, lips it is.
ME: Well, mine is the only one that really gets shown off.
SVETA: I know; we've all seen the pictures.
ME: Can I help it?
20. Edible panties? Tried them?
ME: Stupid. Such a disappointment.
SVETA: No, but I've heard from Lexi what they're like.
DAD: I can't believe anyone still talks about them seriously.
MOM: Pretty silly.
and
21. I need some questions; what do you want to know?
DAD: Are we done yet?
ME: Why didn't you have a real question here?
SVETA: You want to go upstairs?
MOM: Who's hungry for dinner?
And there we left it.
4 comments:
Hilarious. :-) Great post!
I was laughing like hell reading this. I'll bet the dinner conversations at your place are quite interesting.
Also, you win the Internets for today just for "Karl, Frost Warrior with a +1 battle-axe". Although the D&D purist in me does wonder exactly what a "Frost Warrior" is. :)
Still, great answers from all concerned. I am amused AND aroused.
-- PB
We were all bringing our comedy A game I think; most of the time, we're less coherent. Actually in fairness, I made us more coherent via the editing.
And (nerd alert) while I could say that a Frost Warrior is a Prestige Class (although for a true purist that would be an indication of unacceptable 3E-ish tendencies), I'd be lying (well, as far as I know); being a role-player rather than a roll-player at heart, I tend to give slightly more descriptive titles than just Fighter Level 3. I figure Karl is probably a Dwarf, around Level 3, and if you want purist D&D, a Fighter, although I still hold out hope that Frost Warrior might be a non-standard class from some supplement somewhere. As for why I picked to roleplay a guy, it was the first thing that came to mind when I wanted to make the joke. I'd probably be happier playing Oola, Frost Warrior Maiden with a +1 battle ax. No chainmail bikini for me though; it freezes to the tender parts in the cold ;)
Excellent post, Lexi! I had fun reading this.
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