Hackneyed Porn Premise

Papa Bear asked me this question, and I had to think about it for a while because I wanted to make sure I got it right. Not the most flattering story, but in the interests of full disclosure.

"Have you ever banged an anonymous repairman, plumber, pizza delivery boy or someone like that? Some guy who came to your home for something other than sex, and got a big surprise instead?" - Papa Bear

You see this scenario in porn all the time, don't you? A single woman, living in a huge mansion of a house, "doesn't have the money" to pay for pizza or repairs or cable, so she pays some other way. Hell, they've reduced the premise to, "Woman orders sausage pizza with real sausage," by now. The original premise always smacked a bit of prostitution to me, but it's not real. And the later permutations are just silly.

I've heard stories from friends who work in the repair/home service industries. Nothing worthy of porn, but maybe of Letters to Penthouse. Supposedly, cable guys actually do get a fair amount of attention from lonely housewives. Me, I've never seen that happen.

My only story of this sort comes from living with my sister Sheri for a week or so. She had an apartment in a small city and asked me to visit her, so the summer before I went to college I took her up on her offer. It was kind of a last grand vacation (there's a term for this that I can't remember).

She and I spent pretty much the entire time drinking and partying. I was drunk all day. And at that point I wasn't much of a drinker, so it was even more extreme. We went out clubbing, which I didn't like and only went because I was drunk enough to say yes. We had drunken sex all over the apartment. We brought a guy or two home every night, then kicked them out in the morning. It was probably not the wisest course of action I've ever taken. And it wasn't even all that fun, because drunk sex is usually not that great.

One evening toward the end of the week, she and I were preparing to go out later, drinking, of course, and got hungry. So we ordered pizza. I was all set to go to get some clothes on so I could answer the door, but Sheri kept stopping me, until finally the doorbell rang and we were both naked, drunk, and fighting. She shoved me toward the door and said she bet me a million dollars I wouldn't have the stones to open the door like that, to which I retorted that she didn't have a million dollars. So she said she'd give me a hundred bucks to get the pizza naked. I said fine, let's see the hundred. Meanwhile, the doorbell is still ringing.

She didn't have a hundred bucks on her, but I yelled, "Just a second!" and she wrote out, "IOU $100" on a napkin and then held it out of reach while I tried to grab it, until finally I said, "Fine, fuck it, I'll answer the door, I don't care."

So I answered the door naked. The delivery guy looked pissed until he saw me, at which point the pissed look sort of froze on his face. And then Sheri came up, also naked, and started stroking me, just to make things worse. "Sorry, we were in the middle of something," I said, trying to shove her away. "Come in, let me get your money."

"What the hell is going on here?" he asked. I don't think he could help himself. But he let himself be led into the room.

"We're getting ready to go out," I said. "Just couldn't find anything to wear." Or something similar. I was pretty sloshed, so my recollections of my exact words are probably suspect in the extreme. I was trying to be funny, I know that.

Sheri said, "What's your name, cutey?" at which point I knew, somewhere in my synapses, that she was trying to make things way, way worse.

He stammered his name, then took the money I handed him and just stood there. "You want to have a piece?" Sheri asked.

And at this point, porn gets it wrong. Because pizza delivery guys can't stop. They have other deliveries to make. "I can't; I've got other pizzas," he said after a long, long pause.

"When do you get off work?" she asked.

"Why?" As if he needed to know.

"Because my little sister here is drunk and wants to fuck somebody," Sheri said. I tried to shut her up at this point, and I blushed.

"Holy shit," he said. Understatement of the year.

"So can you get off work and come back?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" I think he would have promised to kill his own parents.

He raced out of the door and his car screeched off, and then Sheri said, "Okay, let's get dressed and get out of here."

"But what about the pizza?"

"Fuck the pizza. I don't want to be here when he gets back."

"You're a bitch." But I was drunk. Not an excuse, just an explanation. I laughed. "I wish I could see his face."

And so we ate pizza really quickly and locked the door and went out all night. I wanted to leave him a note but Sheri said no. We wound up spending the night double-teaming this guy Sheri knew in his tiny little apartment. I'm pretty sure he was better than the pizza guy would have been, but I'll never know now. Plus, I was wasted at that point, so I remember quite little of the evening.

I've felt guilty about most of that trip ever since, and I feel pretty guilty about standing the pizza guy up. If life had been more like a porno and he could have thrown his other deliveries to the winds, he would have gotten really lucky, but it's not his fault that he couldn't. I'd like to believe that he never showed up again, that he realized something was amiss or that he thought we were trying to mug him or something. I don't want to think about him showing up all excited and then being disappointed.

I was not a good person that week. I could blame Sheri or booze or whatever, but what it boils down to is that I did things I regret, or at the very least I shouldn't have done. Everyone can say the same thing, I'm sure, and I'm not beating myself up about it. I'm telling this story mostly to prove that life really isn't like porn. Or at least my life isn't.

On the positive side, for him, it must be a great story to tell, even if it ended in disappointment. Showing up to deliver a pizza and being greeted at the door by two naked girls is nothing to sneeze at.

Oh, and I never saw one cent of Sheri's money. She paid for my stay though, so I guess it works out.

In the interests of this not being a total downer, I should also mention that Mike and I used to play various sexy versions of house when I was younger, and having seen a fair amount of porn at that point we made sure to play "Repairman and the Lonely Housewife" a few times. I imagine to an observer it probably would have been pretty funny, at least until it got sexy.

Mike tried the "sausage pizza" routine once; he got a personal pizza and put a hole in it and then brought it to me and stuck his dick through it. Only all the topics slid onto his cock and they were hot, so he pulled right back out again and said that it was stupid. It's tough to hold a warm pizza vertically enough so that you can have your cock stuck through it, even if you've got an enormous cock. And they never eat the pizza in the movies anyway, whereas we wanted to eat the pizza too.

We did like to go down to the laundry room and pretend I was showing him something wrong with the washer, only I'd have to bend over to point it out and there he'd be, ready to put his tool to good use. We tried it once when the washer was running and found that the best way to do it is for me to sit on the washer and him to hold my legs. It's like getting a massage while being fucked. Very nice. I suppose you have to have a washer that shakes around a little like ours, but at that point we had an old, very shaky washer. I don't know that it would have gotten my off by itself, but it was a fun experience.

So, in closing, if you're reading this and you were a pizza delivery guy who was once propositioned by two redheaded sisters in the manner described, I'm really sorry and I hope we didn't scar you for life. I don't know about Sheri, but I thought you were kind of cute and I probably would have been happy to stick around and wait for you had I been alone.

Thanks to Papa Bear for the question, and to the rest of you, keep those questions coming because I like answering them.