TMI Tuesday

From the archives:  And you'd better believe I'm going to explain all my choices because why bother otherwise?

Pick one. You must pick one. You can elaborate on your answer if you want, but you must pick one.

1. Are you male or female or other?

I like being a woman.  There are definitely downsides to it, but I still like it.  But if there's a gender option which has both a penis and vagina which can swap out at will or coexist, which doesn't bleed every month, and which is just preternaturally wealthy, I'll take that.

2. Dog or cat?

Cat.  Like dogs, love cats.  Stereotypical I'm sure.  I've had both, but while dogs can be fun, cats are easier to live with in a lot of ways.  If you hate cats, I don't hate you, I just think you're missing out.

3. Peanut butter or wasabi peas?

I like me some wasabi peas but they get old after a while if you eat a lot of them.  Peanut butter is more versatile.  Unless they meant some sort of peanut butter flavored peas, in which case I'll take the wasabi option.

4. Group midnight nude swim or ‘mooning‘ strangers?

Group swim.  More potential for hanky-panky, less for arrest or mass humiliation. Plus I like swimming.

5. Sneaker Pimps or IAMX?

Okay, I had to look this up because I have no idea what the fuck either of these options are, and if you're like me, apparently IAMX is a band formed by the lead singer of Sneaker Pimps.  So this is a Van Halen/David Lee Roth question, I guess.  Since I don't know their music other than that it's trip-hop (and I don't really know what that means because I'm old and you kids get off my lawn) I'm going with Van Halen.  Keep the band together.  Sneaker Pimps all the way!  People like it when I have strongly-held opinions about things which don't matter and I know nothing about!!!1!

6. Bologna or Braunschweiger?

Not sure I've ever had Braunshweiger.  I'm not a huge fan of bologna, but fried is pretty good, so I guess I'll take that, with some good mustard, maybe some onion.

7. Vanilla or kinky?

Depends on your definitions.  If we're going by mainstream America, probably kinky.  I like a bit of fun.  But I'm not really kinky.  I don't claim it at all.

8. Rocky road or chocolate ice cream?

If it's good ice cream, chocolate.  If it's bad, Rocky Road.  There's more to distract you from the lack of quality if there are marshmallows and nuts in it.

9. Red M&M or green M&M

Bring back the brown ones. I know, I know, I have to pick one. Red.  Red is the color of passion.  They're all M&Ms.  Eat them and don't worry about the color.  Although I do segregate my M&Ms by color and eat them so it works out evenly because I'm mentally ill and I wish I were joking about this.

10. Pepsi or Coke?

Battery acid chased by camel piss.  Coke and Pepsi are both nasty.  If I had to choose,  Pepsi, because it's slightly less disgusting.  God, don't make me choose.

11. Mini Cooper or Fiat Abarth?

Cars.  Small cars.  I don't like small cars.  They're both wonderful I'm sure, even though they're massively overpriced and probably don't do any better at getting me from Point A to Point B than a beater from the used car lot.  Whichever one is more comfortable is the winner, and as I've only ever ridden in a Mini and it was torture I'm going to say that the Mini wins by virtue of being slightly more accessible to someone in my income bracket.

12. Pleasure or pain?

Pleasure.  I've said before that I don't really get off on pain, which is a shame because if I did I would be in hog Heaven what with my inability to cum without feeling like I'm being stabbed in the gut.  Cumming would make me cum, which would make me cum some more, and I'd pretty much cum until I passed out.  Sounds like a hassle.  I like cumming as much as the next two or three people combined, but you can't just always be cumming.  It takes the spice out of the hunt.

Bonus: Pick one – Participate in the London World Bike Naked Ride or Japan’s Festival of the Steel Phallus affectionately known as Penis Fest properly called Kanamara Matsuri.

Look these up too I guess.   The London Bike Ride seems like it's sexier, plus I'd rather go to London than Japan.  But riding a bike naked sounds painful and slightly more dangerous than riding it clothed.  Still, the pictures are sexier.  They're both at least ostensibly for good causes, I guess.  And I am shy about being naked in public, shockingly.  Still, a bunch of penis-shaped things in a festival versus a bunch of naked people seems like an easy call, plus from the looks of the pictures not everyone is totally nude (although I say go big or go home, so I'd do it nude if I had to do it).  Naked Bike Ride for the win.

TMI Tuesday

From the archives:

1. Name something you always carry with you?

I wear a Leatherman Wave pretty much at all times, and if I'm not wearing it it's close enough I can grab it at a moment's notice.  I've eaten with that thing.  I've never killed a bear with it to save my family, but I'd give it a shot if that were the situation.  I've never masturbated with it or included it in sexy play because you shouldn't play with tools.  I love it like a third hand.  I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose it or it finally breaks (that sound you hear echoing through space is me knocking on wood so hard my knuckles are bloody) because they don't make them any more.  They updated the Wave and now it's not as good.  Plus I love this one in particular.  But I guess I could search through eBay or something.  I wouldn't like it though.

I am not a collector of knives.  I own several, but they're either cherished family heirlooms or tools I've actively used or both.

And yes, I know about Gerbers, but I don't like them as much.  I've owned this Leatherman for more than a decade of heavy use and it's never crapped out on me, whereas most of the people I know who have Gerbers have experienced catastrophic failure at least once.  And yes, I know you can open and close a Gerber with one hand.  Guess what?  I can do that with my Leatherman too.  I'm just as quick if not quicker than a Gerber's slide-out mechanism and there are fewer moving parts to break.  I'm not judging; use whatever tool you like best.  I happen to like mine.

No, that wasn't sexy.  Yes, it was pretty niche.

2. Is there anyone on your mind at the moment? Who? Why?

As I write this, a long time ago in the past because I'm post-dating these like crazy so I've got some buffer built up, I'm thinking of a few people, all lasciviously.  It's late and I'm tired and jonesing for some carnality.

3. If you were to be remembered for one thing, what would it be?

I'd like to be remembered as a basically good person.  Failing that, as God-Emperor of Earth.  No middle ground there.

4. Tell us something new that you learned in the last month?

I've been looking into broadening my programming horizons, so I've learned a few new programming language things.  I won't bore you with details. I already wrote a screed about Leatherman Waves.

5. What are you pretending not to know? Why?

The sure grip of mortality?  I don't usually pretend not to know things.  It's usually the other way around, which is sad but inevitable, just like the sure grip of mortality.

6. Are you happy with other people’s perception of you?

I don't really know.  If I knew what they were, I'd be able to judge, but I'd probably also be horrified or mortified or both.  This is really the question, "Are you happy with what you think other people's perceptions of you are?"  In which case... sometimes?  Some people?  I'm usually pretty sure that whatever horrible things I'm thinking about myself are being thought by others as well, even though rationally I know that's not true.

7. Are you generally focused on today or tomorrow?

Neither.  I don't live in the moment like a perfect Zen meme, but tomorrow is terrifying, so I try not to think about either of them much.

Bonus: How do you eat Oreos? Which method best matches your Oreo cookie eating style?
a. Pick it up, bite into it.
b. Twist it open, eat each half separately
c. Twist it open, eat the frosting, then eat each chocolate cookie half separately.

Depends.  Usually I just eat them.  If I have milk, I might dunk, but I might not.  When I was younger I was definitely a dunker, but I don't drink anywhere near as much milk as I used to (water is cheaper and better for you, and I get plenty of dairy already) plus I don't like losing cookies to Davy Jones' Locker, only to have them reemerge later as sodden remnants of their former selves at the bottom of my glass as I finish drinking the milk.  I can mix milk and cookie in my mouth very satisfactorily.

TMI Tuesday

From the archives:

1. You walk into a party full of friends. One of them suddenly and quickly strips down naked. Which area of your naked friend’s body do you check out first?

Depends on the gender.  Also, why does it have to be a friend?  I'd ogle strangers in this situation.

With a guy, I'm checking out the torso and then the cock, or possibly the cock first.  Sorry, one-track mind.

With the ladies, it's a bit different, but I'm probably looking at boobs.  I mean, that's the first place I'd wind up looking, not necessarily the most important place.  Looking at a random woman, I think I see boobs first.  I'm not a "breast man" but they draw the eye.  Unless they were facing away, in which case I'm looking at ass.  Again, not the most important part necessarily, but the part I'd probably look at first.

This is all presupposing the fact that I don't need to check out the face.  If it were a stranger, that might actually be the first thing I look at.  With a friend, I wouldn't look there first.

2. Have you ever masturbated in bed when a platonic friend or relative was sleeping in the same room or bed?

Yes.  I'm not even going to count times when I did this with family or with a friend I later wound up more than platonic with.  I've masturbated all over the place.  I can be subtle.

3. When was the first time you had a nocturnal orgasm aka a wet dream?

I know women can have them, but I never have.  I've woken up to sex, but never had an orgasm in my sleep, at least not that I know about.  And if I'm having orgasms in my sleep and not remembering them, what a waste of an orgasm.

4. Have you ever been caught naked by someone?

All the damn time.  I'm still shy about it, shockingly.

5. Think of your dearest friend, do you think they are sexy? Why or why not?

Again with the "friends can't be sexual" thing.  My dearest friend is Sveta, and she's as sexy as sex wrapped in sex with a bit of sex on top, served with a side of sex and a sex on the sex with a sex chaser.  And after that I don't know who "my dearest friend" with whom I've never had sex is.  I have them, but I don't rank them.  I don't find them all attractive.  That's on me, not on them.  Some of them are very sexy, and I would have sex with them if given the chance, but for various reasons they're unavailable.

I find people sexy for all sorts of reasons.  It's not just looks.  That's the shallow part.  But if I get to know someone, I can find them sexy even if I wouldn't be attracted to a picture of them.  Or maybe I find some aspect of them sexy from a shallow standpoint.  Sexy is as sexy does, and it's what you make of it.

6. If you had no choice, how many days do you think you could abstain from sex including masturbation?

Before my recent medical issues I would have said maybe a week, tops, and I would be jonesing bad.  Now I know I can go for longer than that, although I don't do it intentionally.  I've hit low places in my life where I wasn't having sex, but I was still rubbing those Os out like a motherfucker.  Now that I have trouble with orgasms, I find that I want sex more than I want masturbation, so even if I know I can go without for longer than I think, I don't want to.  If anything, I don't have masturbation as a release as much so it makes it harder to go without sex.

The question: "How long can you go without sex, not including masturbation?" is a more interesting one for me (I know for many people it's the opposite).  I can go without masturbation if I'm getting sex regularly, but I don't.  But masturbation is just a release.  It's not sex.  I can't go without sex for that long.  I like orgasms and I need them, but sex is more than orgasms.

Bonus: What gets you wet faster, phone sex or sexting?

Phone sex.  I don't really like either as much, but I'm long-form and I can't do that by sexting.  Plus if I'm on the phone I don't have to think about it as much, plus my hands are free.

Commentary Track

Okay, this is the best comment I've ever gotten.  I'm not going to publish it because... well, you'll see, but I am going to print it here, because... well, you'll see.  It was a comment on Music In My Soul, but I'm really not sure where it came from.

You should definitely wait4Heaven, dear.
And I'll tella youse why:
you're gonna git damned
if you perish in a state of mortal sin.
Dats da fax, Jak.
Hey, dear, dont ask me.
Ask God who sent me.
Im only the prophet withe prophit, toots.
Wanna wiseabove to Seventh-Heaven?
Follow me into the Son...

The more you shall honor Me,
the more I shall bless you.
-the Infant Jesus of Prague
(Czech Republic, next to Russia)

trustNjesus, dear,
and wiseabove to Seventh-Heaven...
cuz the other realm aint too cool.
God bless your indelible soul.

I'll tella youse something, Jak: I know where Prague is.  And the Czech Republic isn't next to Russia.  It's not even next to next to Russia, which is where Slovakia is.  The nearest large city actually in Russia is Kursk, and it's 19+ hours away from Prague.  You have to go through Poland and Ukraine first, toots.  Dats da fax.  Czechoslovakia did, I believe, once share a border with the USSR, but that hasn't been true for quite a while.

But okay, I'll bite: God, who sent this strange person?  Russian spies?  Have I hit the big time and am important enough to be spied on by Russian hackers?  Well, I guess if my blog starts posting complimentary things about Vladimir Putin, we'll know, won't we.  I'm flattered to think that my little blog might be that important, but I also suspect that someone in Russia was searching for more watersports ideas and came across me, although why they couldn't have left this comment on one of the posts where I talk about watersports I don't know.

I'm picturing myself at a confirmation hearing for the Infant Jesus of Prague (in the Czech Republic, not Prague, Wisconsin, I should add).

Infant Jesus of Prague: The more you shall honor Me the more I shall bless you.
Me: Infant Jesus of Prague... J-Prog, can I call you J-Prog?  J-Prog, I knew Jesus.  Jesus was a friend of mine.  You, sir, are no Jesus.  I bet Jesus has never even been to Prague, in the Czech Republic, geographically not all that far from Russia.
J-Prog: *stammers, wets himself*

This reads almost like some sort of odd freestyle rap, which is a strange choice to make because while I have deepest respect for it as an art form, I'm white as they come.  So I can only assume that either this person regularly evangelizes in hackneyed rap-ish cliches or that the Russians thought I'd be susceptible to this sort of message.  If it's the former, up your game, Jak.  Bring the noise.  You're not going to convert anyone with these weak rhymes.

If it's the latter, VLADIMIR PUTIN IS SEX GOD AND I LOVE FOR HIM TO PISS ON ME IF HE DESIRE. THERE NO PROBLEM HERE. PLEASE TO PROCEED NORMAL READING.

Seriously, you thought that this blog was a good platform for your weak Evangelism-T-Shirt message?  I feel sorry for you, which is why I'm publishing your message to my vast audience of potential converts.  Hey vast audience, follow Jak into the Son!  All Hail Volodya!  All Hail J-Prog!

The Mass is ended; go in peace.

P.S.  I still cannot get over this.  I love this.  Please send more.

TMI Tuesday Pick-Up Lines

Before I start, I should note that a lot of these seem guy-centric, so I'll answer as best I can.

From the archives:

At the TMI Tuesday bar someone walks up to you and utters the following lines, Tell us how you would respond.

1. Would you like to fake an orgasm with me tonight?

This one's not bad.  I mean, most people who would say this to a stranger are probably a bit douche-y, but I'd give this person a chance.  Bonus points if I'm being picked up by a woman.

2. Did you just fart because you are blowing me away?

A for effort.  As an opener, it's a risk.  Also, you've got to pause before you give the punch line.  If the delivery were good, I might laugh, and hey, if they made me laugh, I might continue conversation.  Not sure it would make me drench my panties or anything, but it's a decent ice breaker, although you've got to have brass ones to try it.  Or be irredeemably stupid, but that will probably be clear at the outset, so assuming this person wasn't, I'd give them props.

3. You’re hot. I’m ugly. Let’s make average babies. (Would you accept?)

This is another one which I'm not sure works as an opening line.  As a closing line, it might work on me. It's a decent funny line.  As long as it's genuinely self-deprecating.  If it's not, then it's skeevy.

4. I’d like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button.

Again, not a good opener.  But my God would it charm the pants right off me if delivered properly as an invitation to go back to their place.

5. You must work at Subway, ’cause you just gave me a footlong.

Go home, you're drunk.

6. You look like a hard worker, I have an opening you can fill.

This one really works best if a woman is picking up a guy, and it's a pretty weak line.

7. I don’t feel good, I think I need a shot of penis-illin.

Look elsewhere.  I'm sure there's a guy who's drunk enough to take you up on it.

8. If I told you I worked for UPS, would you let me handle your package?

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you take your clothes off and jump up and down for me? That would be a better opening line.  This one is just sad.

Bonus: Belly up to the bar. What’s your pleasure? Which one drink would you order and why?

You can look up the drink options at the link above.  They're all pretty nasty.  Most of them involve rum or tastes I don't like.  And they forgot the Screaming Orgasm, which is my favorite dirty drink.  I guess if I had to pick I'd go for the After Sex, which involves the fewest things which sound nasty.

But seriously, go for the Screaming Orgasm.  Think White Russian but with nothing but booze.  It will put your ass on the ground if you're not careful.  Just like a screaming orgasm.  Also tasty.  Just like a screaming orgasm.  Really, the name says it all, which I can't say for any of the offered drinks.

TMI Tuesday

From las bóvedas:

For each of the categories listed below, imagine that a new business or event of that type opened in your area. Tell us whether you would check it out or attend; and, whether you would go alone, with friends of your gender, or with a significant other/lover. Expound on your answer as much as you’d like.

Before we begin, I'm going to assume that money is no object, because otherwise a lot of these are going to be boring.  I know it's about intention to visit rather than ability, so that's why I'm taking money out of the equation.

1. Sports Bar: never, alone, with friends, with your SO?

I have been to sports bars.  It's always because friends have invited me.  I'm not counting chain restaurants with a sport theme here; I'm talking real sports bar.  I don't love them, mostly because they're not my type of place, but that has less to do with sports and more to do with the types of people who frequent sports bars.  I can watch the game on TV with the guys (and gals) and cheer and drink and have a fine time if I'm in the mood, but I don't seek it out.

2. Brew pub or beer hall: never, alone, with friends, with your SO?

I like brew pubs.  I don't go drinking alone much any more, but I have in the past.  So basically yes, I'd go, with or without company of any type.  I enjoy craft beers sometimes, and the atmosphere at brew pubs can be much more pleasant than other types of bar.

Beer halls ditto, with the addition that I like beer halls because I like German beer, so if we're talking about that kind of beer hall I'm down even more.

In my bar hookup days, I didn't hook up at either of these locations though.  I don't go to beer halls or brew pubs for any reason other than enjoying the offerings.  No time for love, Doctor Jones.

3. Wine Festival: never, alone, with friends, with your SO?

If my friends invited me, I might consider it, but I would probably say no because I don't like wine and wine festivals are pretentious.  If they could guarantee that I'd have something to do, like if there were food or art or something like that in addition to the wine, and if it weren't snooty (and my bar for snooty is pretty low), I might.  I'd never drag either myself or Sveta to one if we didn't have some reason beyond going to go.

4. Tanning Salon: never, alone, with friends, with your SO?

I don't tan.  Also, tanning salons are crap.  Never.

5. Sex/kink event (e.g. Dark Odyssey, Sexapalooza, Leather conferences, fetish ball, kinky salon): never, alone, with friends, with your SO?

It would depend on the kink.  But I might check it out, solo or with friends or with Sveta, if it seemed interesting. Sveta and I have talked about swinging but have never done it, so if that were on offer we'd definitely be interested.  I don't know a lot about the kink subculture so I'd have to learn more before I made a decision about any individual event.

6. Strip club: never, alone, with friends, with your SO?

I know there are plenty of women who think it's totally cool to go to strip clubs of the female stripper persuasion.  I'm not into it.  It's just not my thing.  If I were invited by friends, I'd have to make sure it wasn't going to be the kind of occasion I'd hate, because that seems to be the vast majority of occasions that women have at strip clubs.  If my male friends invited me... I don't know.

I want to make it crystal clear that I don't judge strippers.  I think it's a perfectly valid way to make money.  I do judge the customers though, just a little.  There are moral gray areas.  But there are moral gray areas in most things in life, so I don't judge harshly.  But a lot of strip clubs are just depressing or ridiculous.  I'd rather go to a burlesque show.

7. Sex toy store: never, alone, with friends, with your SO?

All the time, with anyone who will accompany me.  Or alone.  I buy more toys online these days (well, I buy few toys any more because they're expensive and I'm poor) but I still frequent brick and mortar whenever I feel like it.  And apparently sex shops are doing pretty well even in the face of online vendors.

8. Upscale Spa: never, alone, with friends, with your SO?

This one is definitely a "money permitting" question.  If I had all the money in the world, I'd probably live at the spa.  I've never been to an upscale one though, for reasons of money.  But I have no ideological objection to the idea or anything.

9. Adult Sex education conference (e.g. Eroticon, CatalystCon): never, alone, with friends, with your SO?

If I lived in a place with ready access to such things, I would be all over them.  I'd bring anyone who'd come along.  Why the fuck not?  You can never learn too much.