Panties

Sexy notes wrote a follow-up question to the last post: "One thing that surprises me about your picnic encounters... what were you doing wearing panties???"

Well, I actually wear panties a lot of the time when I wear a skirt or dress. Believe it or not, I am pretty demure when it comes to being outside the house in mixed company. I don't always, and sometimes I'm feeling a bit naughty, but I'd say the majority of the time I'm wearing a skirt or dress, I'm wearing panties.

There are non-sexy reasons for that: I don't know where most things I sit on have been, so an extra layer of cloth between me and them is something I enjoy. Plus there's the fact that, while many people might enjoy being flashed glimpses of my nethers, others do not, and I'd rather be safe around the possibility of the latter.

There's also the fact that I think I look good in panties. I think most women do, at least if they're wearing panties that flatter them. Hell, there are plenty of men who look good in underwear of various kinds, and girls look sexy wearing boxer shorts, and so forth. 

And there's the fact that there's something extremely sexy to me about getting fucked with your panties pulled to one side. Panties are a kink of mine, I think.

There's also the practical matter that, if I get excited or creamed (ideally both) I like to have a layer of fabric to keep me from making a mess of my chair. That's just logistics.

And lastly, a lot of times when up-skirt action takes place, I wasn't expecting it to. I default to wearing panties when I'm not expecting a reason to want to divest myself of them, and I definitely default to wearing them when wearing skirts or dresses that are short, which my Fuck Me Dress is.

All of those factors conspired to put me in panties on the day of the picnic I was talking about. Well, most of them. I had a pretty good idea that I was going to get fucked that day but I didn't know he'd be up for shenanigans out in the open.

I don't remember his name. It was college and there are plenty of college boys whose names I don't remember. It was a yearly picnic that the college threw, to celebrate the onset of warmer weather. There'd be some music and entertainment throughout the day, and we were invited to spend it on picnic blankets. They'd even serve the cafeteria food outside. And there was booze aplenty

He was actually Gwen's boyfriend (Gwen, for those who don't remember, was my college roommate). That didn't mean a whole lot, but it did mean that I wasn't really expecting him to be totally receptive to advances. But I knew he could use his cock and I liked the look of him.

Gwen was off doing something at the time. He and I knew each other from other things as well, so it wasn't weird for me to sit with him on a blanket. And wouldn't you know it, I can't sit in the sun because I don't tan, I cancer, so the shade of a tree away from the major population centers was fine for both of us.

Now, had I been totally shameless, I would, as Sexy Notes suggests, not have worn panties. That would indeed have been an invitation to him, particularly had I guided his hand up my thigh or something. But while I was working on him, I didn't expect him to go for it until a bit more work was put in. Maybe once he loosened up and had a few drinks. No, I was not going to date rape this young man, but he wasn't exactly the loosest of people and I figured I could use a little help. Don't do as I do, kids. Respect boundaries.

But as it turned out, there was no reason to worry about respecting boundaries. I played a little coy and teased him a bit, but I'm pretty sure I was the only one who'd had a drink by the time things escalated. I was drinking tequila straight from the bottle. This was not allowed by the powers that be, but no one cared.

I don't recall exactly what gave rise to escalation (probably due to the tequila) but he asked me point blank whether I was coming on to my roommate's boyfriend, and I bashfully admitted that I thought he was cute. And I expected him to either shut me down or to say, ok, let's go someplace more comfortable. But instead he put his hand on my thigh and looked me right in the eyes and it became a case of who was seducing whom. I completely understood why Gwen was taken with him.

He basically invited me to sit between his legs while he put his arms around me from behind. My ass was up against his crotch, and I could feel his erection through his pants. I put my arms around his arms and covered for him moving his hands to my breasts and massaging them very nicely thank you. I was getting plenty aroused and he seemed to be too, but when I suggested that I sit in his lap, I wasn't sure how he'd respond. Not everyone is up for PDA, let alone basically dry-humping.

But he let me flip my skirt up so it was just his pants and my panties between us, and then he went back to kneading my tits and I just started rocking my butt against his cock. He got harder, which was nice because it showed that I was in for a treat.

And I probably could have suggested that we adjourn to my room, but for two reasons. One, neither of us really wanted Gwen to walk in on us. Him because I'm pretty sure he thought he was cheating on her, and me because I felt slightly guilty that I hadn't cleared it with her first. Also selfishness. There was every likelihood that she would have opened the door, seen us going at it, and said, "Jeez why didn't you wait for me," and joined in, and for whatever reason I didn't really want to share. I think I was getting off on the illicitness of it.

Two, it was so nice outside. The music was playing, the sun was shining, the air was a perfect temperature, and we were having a fine time right there. Going in would have meant packing shit up and going in.

So when I leaned back against him and whispered, 'Put it in me, please baby," I don't really blame him for going for it. The panties which were the start of this reminiscence were no impediment at all. His pants fly was a bit tougher, because it just wasn't in the right position, but unbuttoning and spreading them open fixed that, and then he pulled down the waistband of whatever underwear he was wearing, I forget, and his hard dick was sticking up under my skirt. I held my panties aside for a moment and we negotiated an entrance.

Looking back on it, anal probably would have been easier, but I didn't want that and he didn't ask for it. It thrust him up into the front of my pussy nicely, and it didn't take much movement on my part to make me cum. And Gwen is a doll, wonderful in the sack, but she doesn't cum like I do. He had his hands wrapped around my waist and he rocked his hips up and down a little. On close examination, we weren't fooling anyone, but no one was giving us close examination.

Plus there's the fact that one time at one of these picnics some girl gave a guy a drunken blowjob right in the middle of everything and no one cared, so us having quiet nookie on the outskirts wasn't going to raise any eyebrows. And no, that girl was not me.

I came, he enjoyed that, he nuzzled my neck, his hands massaged my hips, and we rocked gently for what seemed like hours but which was probably actually five minutes. Then he made me cum again, which made him cum. He slipped out of me, we adjusted our clothes as best as we could, and I lay back against his chest and we waited for dinner.

Then later, when things had quieted down considerably and the light had faded, he asked me if he could fuck me again, to which I replied yes please, and we found a secluded corner where no one could see and he pulled down my panties, up my skirt, and slid his rock hard rod into me. He lasted longer that time, through two orgasms on my part, before he pulled out and had me take it in the mouth. I would happily have taken another creampie but whatever.

After that, we agreed not to bother Gwen with the details. They dated for another month or so and then broke up. I admitted to fucking him after they broke up, mostly because she wanted sister solidarity and I lied a little and told her that he wasn't that good. I never fucked him again, which was fine with me because I had plenty of fish in the sea, and it wouldn't have been fair to Gwen to bring him around. He was cute though. I wonder what ever happened to him? 

And lastly, to those asking for photos, I'll see if I can track down a picture of me wearing my Fuck Me Dress, but no promises. And anyway, isn't the mental image you have better than any lousy photo could be?

Mercy Fuck

An anonymous reader asked me, "Have you ever given a mercy fuck?"

Well, I've described a few here. But it got me thinking. 

I used to give mercy blowjobs a lot. Once I was okay to do that (because I'd had my first time) I would frequently blow guys to get them out of my hair. Like, suppose I went out with a guy and he was clearly angling for some pussy but I just wasn't that into him? Yeah, I might offer up a bit of head to let him down easy.

I'm not saying I blew every guy I dated. At all. But if he was reasonably nice and I just wasn't feeling it, I could get him off with my mouth with no problem.

I did give a mercy blowie to a friend of a friend which then turned into a mercy fuck that wasn't really mercy. He and I had had a decent time, she was clearly stringing him along and he was pining for her, but she was dating a much more macho guy. Me, I don't get that. This less macho guy would have been better for her. But young people, you know.

Anyway, we had all been hanging out, he had been mooning over her, she had ditched both of us, and he had been a gentleman and offered to drive me home, which I appreciated. And he was painfully hard in his jeans, judging by the way he was walking. So I offered my standard blowjob, no strings attached. It was pretty obvious he wasn't interested in me, but I figured I could help a brother out.

He accepted, which surprised me a little, but again, young people. When you're offered a free blowjob by a girl, I guess you don't look a gift horse in the mouth, so to speak. But he stayed hard after a fair amount of ministration on my part, and he was warming up to me, so I guess I wanted to see if he could stay hard inside me. I was half expecting him to press in and go off, given how hard up he must have been, but after we established that the road to home plate was open and he was being waved there by my third base coach, he let me ride him in the back seat of his car for a respectable period. It didn't escape my notice that he wanted to do reverse cowgirl and was probably fantasizing about his actual love. I didn't care. He was hard and he used it well.

I don't remember the upshot of the evening except that we became good friends and never fucked again. I think he mooned over my girlfriend for the rest of high school, then he went off to college and we lost touch.

But that wasn't really mercy.

Let's see. I once was wingman for a girl I sort of knew who had the hots for this guy, and he brought along a plus one too, so it was a foursome, and when the two primaries hit it off, the respective wingmen were mostly left to our own devices. My opposite number was not my type at all. But this was back in the days when my type was more broadly defined, shall we say, and I felt sorry for him, so when the primaries went off together to her place or his, who knows, I invited the wingman back to my dorm with me.

I was thinking I'd just get off giving him a blowjob, but he pulled out condoms like a magician, and frankly I had nothing else to do that evening. So I got naked and let him grope me a while, then let him fuck me in an extremely unenjoyable manner, got a load on my tits for my trouble, then sent him packing. That was definitely mercy.

But the one I remembered when asked the question was this older guy at a bar who bought me a drink. Now, I'm not against older guys, but he wasn't particularly appealing. Until he said something along the lines of, "I know I don't have a chance in Hell with you, but I'm buying you a drink for the privilege of pretending for a minute." Something like that. Which is a decent pickup line, honestly, and maybe he was just a really good actor, but he seemed really sincere, and so I let him chat me up a little.

And he seemed nice once we got to know each other, and it wasn't like I was beating guys off with a stick that night, so I let him take me home. Older bachelor pads are a bit pathetic but I ignored it. I don't remember the act itself except that he was decent with his cock and pretty good with his hands. He was a perfect gentleman the whole time too. We lay in bed and chatted after the first time, about his ex wife, oddly enough, but not in a bad way. I think he was still shocked he'd landed me. I told him I didn't see why, which was more kind than true but was self-deprecating in the way I tend to be. Then after a bit he was ready and we fucked again. I know I came.

So sometimes mercy is rewarded, I guess. Or, if you're a guy, be a gentleman and shoot your shot and maybe it'll work out better than you expect? I don't know. I suck at morals.

Over Under

An anonymous pal asks, "Can you think of any encounters where you were particularly pleasantly surprised? (In other words, you didn't expect that much and it turned out to be surprisingly great.) How about unpleasantly surprised (expected great, turned out to be disappointing)?"

I tend to go into random encounters with low expectations, which is fine because I'm easy to get off, so anything above a baseline of "I came" is a pleasant surprise, but that's not particular. I could probably point back to things in the past of this blog, but that's no fun. So I'm going to try to recall a few times off the cuff when I was pleasantly/unpleasantly surprised.

I remember I went on a few dates, actual dates, with a guy who was very nice but seemed to have no desire to get into my pants at all, to the point where I was about to ask him why he wanted to keep dating if he wasn't going to at least try. Turns out he thought I was significantly more innocent than I am (significantly more, like he thought I might be a virgin) and was kind of confused by the fact that I was kind of putting out signals. But he was fairly innocent, and when he finally got up the nerve to ask if I wanted to come back to his place after a date, maybe for coffee or a movie or something, I was so horny that he could have gotten lucky in the car on the way to his place if he'd wanted to.

We got there, we sat on the sofa, I said something along the lines of, "You can kiss me if you'd like," because clearly he needed some encouragement and it was either that or just start taking off articles of clothing and see what he did. He kissed me rather chastely. I'm not a chaste kisser. I don't want it to seem like I was bulldozing over his objections, but I was putting out every womanly signal I had, short of trying to wave the pheromones from my pussy into his nose.

I don't recall exactly what broke the ice, but whatever it was, shortly thereafter I was half-naked on his couch, he was pulling down his briefs (briefs! so adorable), and I got the first pleasant shock of the evening when his cock emerged and he was definitely larger than average, which the tightness of the whiteys hadn't allowed to be evident before. I know, you'd think there would have been a giant bulge, but it looked normal sized until his shaft just kept coming out of his undies.

Still, I was figuring he wasn't going to be an enthusiastic lay, given his need to have The Joy of Sex thrown repeatedly at him. But first off, he ate pussy like a champ. Didn't want a blowjob, just wanted a snack in the box. I came repeatedly, and while I'm fairly easy to get off, repeatedly from oral signifies a better than average time.

Then I thought, okay, he's making sure I get mine and he doesn't want any in return because he's a hair trigger. That's okay. I had totally gotten mine. If he pressed in and came immediately, I would still have called it a good date. But he had stamina. When he got inside me, I had to concentrate on not getting split in two, and then he started slowly thrusting in and out, in and out, until he was bottoming out and then pulling back until just the head was inside me, and I came again, which I expected would maybe signal an end to his performance.

But no. First missionary, then from behind, then he pulled me on top even though I was pretty blissed out by that point and started jackhammering into me from below, and then finally he pulled out and asked politely if I could suck him the rest of the way off, which didn't take too long but was still a respectable finish. Thick, ropey cum, but didn't taste too strong, and then we snuggled for a bit until I felt him getting hard against me again.

I asked him if he needed more, and he seemed a little sheepish, like he was afraid I wouldn't be up for it. I very nearly wasn't, but this was in my younger, more elastic days, and I just helped him into me from behind and we spooned and fucked slowly for what felt like ages until he said he was ready to go off and I just let him go inside me because I was extremely tuckered out by that point.

You may ask why I'm not currently married to this guy. The answer is that we just weren't a good fit in other ways. I set him up with a friend of mine, who thanked me profusely after because she hadn't had to jump through the hoops I did, and we saw each other a few more times in various places, then drifted apart. But that's a nice memory. I wish I'd ridden the train a bit longer than twice, but I got off plenty during those two times.

Now, the less pleasant part of the question. I can think of a few, not as detailed because who wants to remember disappointment. There was a guy in high school who had supposedly bedded every single girl I knew, to hear them tell it he was amazing, and my standards were lower at the time. He was a total dick during our date (I am so glad I've grown out of needing to have a date with someone to fuck them), not to me as much as to the waiter, which is a deal-breaker for me, but I knew he wasn't dating material and I was basically sitting through the previews to get to the movie, as it were.

The movie was terrible. He took me back to his place, his "party pad" where his divorced dad had custody and was never home from work, and we rounded the bases pretty handily, and then I was blowing him and he came in my eye, which doesn't bother me the way it bothers some people but threw me off a little because he didn't warn me at all, just grabbed my head and spewed. And then it took forever to get him hard again, to the point where he had to watch porn to get it up, and then wanted to keep watching the porn while fucking me from behind like I was basically a sex toy. I got off, just, and he barely made it out of me before painting my lower back white. I would have let him cum inside me but Catholic school makes rhythm method practitioners of all its inmates.

That was disappointing to the point that I needed to go home and get fucked by Mike to wash the bad taste out of my mouth (figuratively speaking; I don't think the guy tasted bad or I might not have continued the evening at all).

The other underwhelming experience that comes immediately to mind was in college. There was the drop-dead gorgeous girl who had hinted to me that she was interested in pursuing some experimentation with the fairer sex in the bedroom, and I'm always open for "girl's first lesbianism" parties. She was porn star gorgeous. No, she was model gorgeous. And I wanted to undress her in the worst way. I had seen glimpses of her hidden delights but never the whole package.

Let me tell you, whatever other disappointments I might have had, seeing her naked was not one of them. I suppose I shouldn't have expected much from the rest of it, since it was her first time, but rather than be nervous or excited she was like a cold fish, and then she basically wanted me to eat her out while she lay there and provided no feedback until finally she gasped a few times, then pushed me away and said the evening was over. I wasn't particularly depressed to hear that, honestly, since she'd provided very little in the way of enjoyment for yours truly. I kept the image of her naked in my head for a while though. God, if she'd been at all a good lay, but she wasn't. I guess she decided she didn't really want to sample sapphic bliss after all. I heard from a guy who had fucked her that she wasn't a cold fish with him.

I could probably summon up more, but I'm going to leave it with those. Like I said, disappointments aren't as fun to remember as pleasant surprises, and now I'm wishing I knew where the guy from my first story wound up, and if he was up for a threesome.

I hope this answers your questions, anonymous pal, and thank you for asking them. If you'd like to ask any questions of me, even silly ones, my inbox and comments are always open, and I respect anonymity as you can see.

Pregnancy

My anonymous reader from last time continues: "Also, way back when, you talked about how sexy it would be to be pregnant. Have you and Sveta decided against kids? If so, why? (Your dad having his granddaughter for the first time would be just . . . fucking hot.)"

I still think pregnancy is sexy as hell, but unfortunately for my chances at it, they had to take out the requisite parts. When I learned that they'd have to, for a while I was crushed because yeah, there was always a part of me which wished that I could not only get pregnant but get pregnant by my father, have a girl, and hopefully have him teach her the way he taught me. But the rational part of me knew that there was very little chance of that, both medically and because I don't think Dad would go for that. He might have shown his granddaughter the ropes, but my parents have both made it pretty clear that they think family getting family pregnant is not the greatest idea.

So that's me. As for Sveta, while she would be hot as hell pregnant (and again, there's always a chance that Dad and Mom might look differently on him donating his sperm to the cause of us having a child if it was Sveta who'd be having the baby), we've decided, for various reasons, that children aren't for us. If there were a responsible way for Sveta to get pregnant but not have a baby at the end of it, we'd discuss it, but there isn't.

Sveta and I both have the usual drives, physically, so she sometimes gets a little baby crazy and we wish, but money and the world pretty much make it impossible. I know she'd want my Dad to be the father, and maybe if not him Mike, but she's, if anything, less interested in children than I am.

And then there's Zoe, who is not part of the family but is around often enough that if she got knocked up Sveta and I would get to reap the benefits, preggo-porn-wise. If Zoe were at all interested in guys at the moment, I have no doubt that she'd already be pregnant because she seems irresponsible enough to think that was a good idea. Sorry, I don't mean to sound mean, but she's kind of... impulsive about things like that.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't love to see Zoe all glowing and swollen. My partnerships with the pregnant have been few and far between, and I would love to have that opportunity. But it would not be a good idea for Zoe. And fortunately for everyone, she is currently militantly lesbian. Her last boyfriend was not good for her and women seem to have worked out better for her, at least in the pleasure department, so she's off guys at present, possibly permanently.

The state of the world is one reason why I don't think I want kids. Our monetary situation is another. And frankly, I don't like kids that much. I like the idea of pregnancy but I'd probably dislike the practicalities of it too. I know, plenty of people who don't like kids like their children, and if I miraculously gave birth to a child I wouldn't abandon it in the gutter or something horrible like that, but both Sveta and I are pretty content without children.

Sorry that's less sexy than it could be. Believe me, we still watch preggo porn sometimes, and I still get off on impregnation play, but it's just play.

Thank you for asking questions, and hopefully my less-than-stellar answers haven't put you off. If anyone out there has any questions or requests, I've got a tag for them and everything and I love to get them, so email or comment. Do it! Do it now!

How Are My Parents Doing?

An anonymous reader, via comment, asks, "[W]e haven't heard about your relations with your dad in a while. Is he ok? Any updates on your family would be , ahem, "stimulating" for this reader"

The main reason why I haven't talked about my father, or for that matter my mother, much since I've started back up with blogging is that there hasn't been much to tell. When Omicron hit the area, they kind of went back into lockdown because they're both highly comorbid. So I've seen them from a distance for the past few months. Basically, I've seen everyone except Sveta and Zoe from a distance the past few months, really.

They're both fine, just getting older and so with the accompanying medical issues. Dad can still get it up hard as a rock and he still loves his girls, but these days he lasts forever and sometimes can't cum at all. If he does go off, that's generally the ballgame, as it were. He's explored medical aids for this, but with some of his other medical issues they're not recommended, and anyway he can give much better than he gets, so no one is complaining.

Mom is doing okay too. She says her sex drive has slowed down a little, but that doesn't mean she didn't enjoy her outing with Liam back when it was still safe for her to do so. I think she'd like another helping of a young man who's dying to please her, personally, but who can blame her?

Sorry that's not a terribly exciting answer, but believe me, as soon as it's safe to start doing so again. Sveta and I both need a heaping helping of Daddy's love, and we'll definitely report on it when it happens.

Anonymous readers are just as welcome to ask questions as anyone else, and I read all my comments, so be like our anonymous friend and ask away. Or tell me what you'd like to hear about, if you don't have specific questions. I can't get Nielsen to return my calls about polling my readers for what they'd like to read, so I have to rely on you to tell me.

On the Question of Hair

Hedone (who runs the TMI Tuesday Blog) asks, "Do you prefer your sex partner shave clean their genitals or have some hair down there?"

I prefer vulvas to be shaved. That wins out by a nose (hehe) over having a soul patch over the items in question, simply because I'm a perv. But picking pubes out of my teeth just isn't for me. I know some people prefer the full muff, and I support and love them, but if you're going to make Lexi happy, you'll have groomed your lips cleanly so I can enjoy them without distractions.

In penises, since I'm not terribly into sucking balls, I'm more cosmopolitan. I don't care for stubble, so hopefully if you're planning on shaving the twig and berries, you'll do it shortly before coming to visit. But if ball-sucking is on the menu, again, clean-shaven wins out just because I don't like hair in my mouth.

If it's just ornamental and I'm not going to be putting my tongue on it, a bush at the base of the tree is fine. If I had to speculate, I'd say that most of my gentleman callers (I've never had anyone but a gentleman sporting a penis, not that I'm against the idea) have been unshaven. I don't really mind that. Sometimes the tickle of pubes against my labia or clit can be a real turn-on.

But really, I'm only avidly opposed to a bush when it hasn't been washed recently. I'm willing to go with a lot of things if they're clean. A muff that I'm not diving can feel very interesting (in a good way) when we're tribbing, for example.

Lastly, I can't judge too harshly because sometimes my grooming gets lax and I have a muff myself. I get it. It's a pain in the ass (sometimes literally) to deal with pubic hair sometimes. So I'm not turning down an invitation just because there's a little grass on the field. Preferences and prohibitions are two different things.

Thanks Hedone for asking a fun question! Be like Hedone. Ask via email (lexinaughtygirly[AT]gmail.com) or comment (I get emails whenever anyone comments, so it can be from a post a decade ago and I'll still see it).

Porn Questions

From reader T, in the context of porn:

What are you into? Do you track the actors or amateur? Go-to scenes?

What I'm into changes all the time, really. I like cute girls, usually on the skinnier side, with smaller breasts than a lot of porn stars seem to have, so I tend to skew toward "amateur" rather than MILF stuff, but sometimes I like a good MILF on young man video. Fetish-wise, I like preggo porn, I like tiny girls on big dicks, and of course I enjoy the fake incest that you typically get from modern porn. I even go in for vintage porn, though I confess I prefer my actresses shaved, or at least neat in the pussy area, rather than the full '70s muff.

I tend to watch less lesbian porn, but if I'm feeling like that, I like FFM threesomes. I like MMF threesomes too, though I don't think they truly count unless there's some DP involved. I prefer true amateur stuff if I can get it, but it's hard to find these days, for some good and some bad reasons.

One thing I really enjoy, as a niche fetish, is sex which is treated like it's totally normal. Like, a video where the family is having dinner and dad gets a hardon looking at little sis, so he bends her over the table and fucks her while everyone keeps eating dinner. Good stuff of that niche is hard to find, so feel free to drop me recommendations.

I'm also into swingers and groups. I really like groups where partners get swapped during the course of it. Too many orgies are just a bunch of couples having sex in a house together. That's fine, but what I really like is when there are several couples and they swap partners.

I love, love, love creampies and impregnation. My dream video is probably one where dad fucks daughter, mom fucks son, at the dinner table, they each get creamed, then they swap and get creamed again.

I don't watch many videos with only one girl. I like pictures of that sometimes, but not video. And I like penetration of all kinds.

I also sometimes like tender, well-filmed porn even though it's not real at all. Sometimes a gal wants to see romance-movie fucking. Sometimes she wants to see the dirty stuff.

As far as tracking actors, if I find an actor I like I might go looking for more videos of them. If I find an "amateur" I like, I'll click on their page on PornHub or whatever to see if they've done other videos. But I frequently forget. I'm much more of a browser.

I'm not sure whether I have go-to scenes as such. I don't tend to watch the same videos more than once; they just don't work for me after I've seen them. I like to see the first penetration in a video, so if that counts as a scene, that's one I want.

Lastly, I do like things other than videos as foreplay. Videos I use to get off to because they can be played without any intervention by me, meaning I can watch and rub and not have to worry about turning pages. But I would like to recommend Lovin' Sis as a webcomic which is both well-done and also incredibly sexy. There are three parts; that's the first one. Give it a chance. It might change your mind about consensual incest, if I haven't been able to do so.

Thanks T for the questions. You too could get a shout-out at the end of a post by asking me questions so I don't have to resort to canned ones. Be like T.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

A question from an anonymous fan who knows who they are:

When's the last (or most memorable) time you had sex in a car, train, plane, boat? Or any other transportation mode I'm missing.

I've never had sex on a plane, largely because I've never flown on a plane. Plus, I hear the Mile High Club is not all it's cracked up to be. But sorry to disappoint any die-hard fetishists out there. I don't believe in Bernouli's Principle so I make it my business not to occupy vehicles where my lack of belief will shatter the illusion that allows you denialists to enjoy powered flight. If you've ever seen the Monty Python sketch where El Mystico is putting up blocks of flats by hypnosis, that's how I feel about planes.

I'm sure I've told some car sex stories in the past. Pretty sure I also mentioned some bus hanky panky as well. So I won't tell those stories again, memorable though they may have been. A memorable story about car sex I haven't already told is called for.

On the day before my wedding I went to the train station to pick up my old roomie from college, Gwen. She was traveling from far enough away that a train made more sense for her, but I didn't want her to have to get a cab from the nearest stop which is surprisingly far from where our wedding venue was, so I said sure, I'll pick you up.

I was a little stressed out. Not going to lie. Nerves and so forth, plus we were basically planning a giant party for a bunch of people, many of whom wouldn't know each other, and then after were planning several smaller after-parties. I'm not a party planner.

I picked up Gwen and she took one look at me and said, "You're shitting a brick. I can tell." Never one to sugar-coat things, is Gwen.

I admitted that yes, I was shitting a series of bricks.

"I know what will make you feel better."

I had no idea what she was going to suggest, but I was pretty sure I would have to say no, because the tables still had to be picked up and set up plus a lot of decorating, plus etc. etc. But Gwen is a bad influence on me, or maybe she's a good influence but she influences me.

"What?"

"You need to get off. I know that look. When's the last time you had any?"

I admitted that it had been probably a day or so. We'd just been too tired and stressed to find the time, which should tell you something.

"Find somewhere quiet to park and I'll get you off real quick."

And though I had things to do and people to see and places to go, I grinned and found someplace where it wouldn't be immediately obvious to anyone walking by what was going on, and then pulled down my pants and panties and let Gwen fingerbang me hard. Like, I haven't been fingered like that in a car since I was in high school hard, and the last time it wasn't done with any skill. She shushed my protests and got her lips around my left nipple and her fingers just kept slamming up into my clit from the inside, and I came, and then came again. And then she licked her fingers, and we drove off, chatting like nothing had happened.

It did help the stress a little, and it was only when I was about to get out of the car to see her to the door of her hotel room that I realized I'd been driving around bare-ass the whole time. That made us both chuckle.

So that's a recent car story. Now for water transport.

I went to a day camp when I was younger, out in the woods where kids couldn't do any harm, with a swimming pool and a local creek for canoes and kayaks. I was really good at swimming and boating when I was younger, actually. I've forgotten a lot of it now, plus I'm not young anymore so my muscles don't work like they used to, but at that point I could have been a lifeguard had I felt like doing it. I would go to this camp for a few weeks every summer, just to get me out of the house.

The counselors at the camp were, for the most part, older, but there were a few who were barely older than the oldest campers, and one year, I think it was the last year I was young enough to go, there was this guy I'd known when he was a camper. We'd flirted a little, but I think he was too insecure to have gone for anything much.

Because I was good in the water I was allowed to do all kinds of things like take the rowboat out on the creek without supervision. So I made it my mission to find someone (a guy, likely, because at this point I was still convinced I was straight and just occasionally fooled around with girls) to go with me on a rowboat trip around the bend to where no one could see us and fool around.

I tried, I really did, but it was getting late in the summer and I had had no takers. All the boys wanted to do their own thing in their own boats. Macho pride, etc. And cute counselor saw me looking glum and asked me what was up, to which I replied, without really thinking, that I was annoyed that no one wanted to take a boat trip with me."I'll go with you," he said.

Bullseye.

He wasn't a counselor in charge of boating so he knew less about the activity than I did, which was just as well. I was showing off a little, and he was being responsive, and when I looked around and there was no one in sight and said, "Do you want to kiss?" or something to that effect, shockingly, he said yes. So I shipped oars and we floated downstream slowly and made out. He wasn't moving quickly enough for my taste (which in those days was definitely directed toward action rather than foreplay) so I had to guide his hands to my tits, but once he knew that I was totally going to put out, he was ready to go.

We had to be gentle so we didn't capsize the boat, and we were both a bit nervous about being spotted, but once I had his cock out and was blowing him, he was mine, hook, line, and sinker. When I lay back without finishing him in my mouth, his face did a gorgeous one eighty from disappointed to enthralled. I pulled down my shorts and panties (skirts were definitely not done at this camp) and guided him into me. He didn't last that long, but he was hard inside me and after he pulled back and jizzed onto my belly, I cleaned myself up and then fingered myself until I came.

He was getting hard again after watching that display, but we'd reached the part of the creek where it was likely we'd hit rapids, so bare-ass (which seems to be the theme for this post) I rowed us to the shore, and we hopped out and fucked up against a tree, and this time I got what little load there was inside me and managed to cum on his cock too. Not in a boat that time but part of the story.

And then I never saw him again. I'm not joking; I think it was close to the last day of my camp experience that summer, and if it wasn't my last summer there, he didn't come back as counselor the next summer. I don't recall. Details get fuzzy.

I can't think of any other modes of transportation to cover. If you can, drop me a line or comment or whatever. If you can't but you can think of a question to ask, ditto.

What Sveta and I Did for Two Years

TT asked me what Sveta and I did for the past two years, and while I probably glossed over that in some past post, I figured why not, I'll do an inventory.

We mostly stayed at home until much more recently. Now I'm back at work so it's been an adjustment not being together as much. Still, being able to see friends has helped.

But I know you're not asking about whether we took up breadmaking. Honestly, I didn't do any breadmaking at all, though I did polish some culinary skills.

My operation to fix my lady-parts issues by removing some of those parts was only about a month before everything went to shit and we were locked down, so I was still recovering from that when the Quarantimes hit. Which you might think meant that I was laid up and unable to get laid, but while I was very nervous about exploring my own boundaries, being "stuck" at home with Sveta with nothing to do meant that I explored hers plenty. She got so many orgasms that first month, when we weren't sure how long it would last and were making up for all kinds of lost time.

I finally got over the mental stuff that had been keeping me from letting her really work me out over the summer of 2020, and though our pace had somewhat slowed down because it was clear by then that we were in it for the long haul, we still had plenty of fun. We really got into tribbing, or scissoring, or whatever you want to call it, and that's been a real added spice to our lovemaking routine. Up to that point I'd never really gotten the appeal, but when I was still a little worried about penetration (because of stitches and also because I was convinced that it would hurt and prove that I wasn't better after all) Sveta suggested we try it.

We started using a vibe between us, with the business end in her and the vibrations against my clit, which worked okay but wasn't what I'd really call tribbing. Then one day we were just fooling around, making out lazily, and my thigh got between her legs and her thigh got between mine and we started, for lack of a better word, humping each other (I know, it sounds so sexy) and both of us really liked that. It's the body contact that you get from it, I think, that does it for us. We can get really close to one another, feel our breasts pressed together, kiss, stroke, the whole thing.

Anyway, once we were doing that, we tried some other things until we wound up being able to press our pussies together in a position which looks really awkward I'm sure but lets us hug and trib and finger, and that's what we've been doing ever since, although now that penetration is back on the menu we do plenty of double dil and strapon stuff too, to say nothing of oral. In fact, oral is probably what happens most often, but we still enjoy other positions, and since we're at awkward heights to 69, tribbing is the best way for that full-body contact to happen.

What else? We did order a double dil online. I support brick and mortar whenever possible but our old one was getting a little floppy and at that point we were reasonably flush (again, not knowing how long we'd both be out of work) so we went ahead and got one. He's bigger than our old one, with nice knobby bits that feel good inside.

I got more into eating ass. I'm still not super into it, but Sveta loves the feeling, and I wanted her to try out her ass more, so I swallowed my hangups and went for it. It helps that her ass smells okay. Yes, I know, she's perfect, farts rainbows, doesn't sweat, all that. I love her. What can I say? I still haven't tossed a boy's salad, but I've done a few girls other than Sveta and I can say with certainty that I prefer doing it to her. I don't get much from it so she doesn't do it to me unless toys or fingers are also involved, but she has no problem with it. I think it's the youth of today. Apparently not eating ass is a cardinal sin for the Zoomer.

We tried a little watersports, which I think I'm more into than Sveta is. She doesn't love the taste, but she's totally fine with pressing our pussies together and peeing on each other, which is fine by me since I've kind of lost the taste for it myself. We haven't done that in a while. Just haven't been in the mood.

Since things opened up more, Sveta and I shared Zoe regularly. Once we were all vaccinated she was our first visitor. This was when she still supposedly had a girlfriend. I guess, actually, it's not right to say that Sveta and I shared Zoe. Sveta and Zoe shared me. That's a whole other can of worms.

We've seen Kate and Liam a few times. I haven't written about all of them. I can start if someone wants me to.

We've also seen my family and hers a few times since vaccinations. Mostly non-sexy stuff. 100% not sexy with her family, and with mine it's been getting takeout, mostly. Sex may have happened but it was incidental to the occasion, which is, as I've said, how my family rolls.

Other than that, it was a lot of cooking shows, a fair amount of me driving Sveta out into the countryside so she didn't have to be cooped up in the house all day, some weight gain, and then false hopes dashed repeatedly. You didn't come here to read about the mundane details.

Anyway, thanks TT for asking a question; I hope that was a sufficient response. You can ask questions too. Just comment or email me at lexinaughtygirly[AT]gmail.com.

Taboos

 An anonymous reader has kindly asked me a question, which doesn't bring up any memories but is a good question nonetheless. I hope you'll all allow me to ruminate on it in blog form.

"Is it more interesting -- or sexier? -- to live in a world without taboos, where everything is permissible (and there's no shame in desiring what we desire, so long as everyone is consenting)? OR, does the presence of taboos add to the sexiness of breaking them?"

It's actually a number of questions rolled into one, which is nice and indicative of a question worth considering.

First, is a world without any taboos possible? I'm not talking likely, I'm talking possible. I'd posit that no, it isn't. Why? Well, I think taboos are in our very nature as humans. There are always going to be things we regard as beyond the pale, both individually and as a society. I'd argue that if taboos didn't exist, we'd have to create them because, "Everything is permissible," just won't work.

The questioner even presupposes a perfectly reasonable limit which is "consent." Now personally I agree 100% with this limit, and that's about where my limits are, but I worry that if the only limits were "consent" then people who get off on violating the rules would have to break that one. I don't know. Still, I think that there will always be limits to what is acceptable, sexually and otherwise.

But let's say, instead of, "Everything is permissible," we go with, "No sexual activity which involves the consent of all parties involved is taboo." Even leaving aside the idea that public sex would still be taboo unless you had the consent of everyone who was going to come into contact with it, there may be no societal taboos, but each individual would certainly be their own judge as to what they would consent to, thus making the most prudish person in the room the adjudicator of what is and isn't taboo while they're around. Obviously that's currently true, and if there were no societal norms prohibiting sexual activities, then many people would become less prudish, but still, the taboos would be there.

I'm trying not to write a philosophical treatise on this question, so lets get to the fucking: would I find it more sexy if there were no taboos? On the surface, for someone like me who does in fact get off a little on things being taboo, I wonder if that would be less exciting. But on the other hand, I'm a giant fan of sex as a perfectly ordinary activity that doesn't raise any more eyebrows than eating or sleeping. I think fucking while doing other things is sexy as hell, honestly. So there's that part of me in the mix too.

What it boils down to is "interesting," actually. I think a world with no taboos is more interesting than one with taboos because we could expand the boundaries of sexual activity. And there's nothing which says that one can't artificially impose limits on a limitless situation in order to benefit from the conditions limits bring.

I think part of the difficulty in answering this question is a lack of imagination on my part. I have a difficult time imagining a world where there are no taboos so I can't see the benefits to that situation. As far as it being more or less sexy than the current taboo situation, I think it might be an apples/oranges comparison. It's sexy in a different way. As far as it being more interesting, something beyond my scope of imagination would have to be pretty interesting, or else I'd be able to imagine it. That's my thinking, anyway.

At the end of the day, I wish we had fewer taboos not because it would be more or less sexy or interesting but because it would be better for the world. A world in which we don't have the taboos against talking about sex means a world where children are safer (despite my own upbringing, I'm not necessarily recommending that every child be raised my way, but I do think that sex ed is vital to the safety of children as well as their future happiness) and where adults are happier because they can talk about an activity which is literally vital to the continuance of the species. Couples would be happier, for one. And there are other taboos which if we did away with them, we'd see a similar increase in happiness and safety for everyone.

Who am I to let my kink for violating the rules get in the way of increased human happiness and safety?

I hope that was at least a mildly interesting answer to the question. If you didn't care for it, ask me your own question which will hopefully inspire a response you're more into. Comments or emails are the best way to ask such questions.

Updates

Well, if you were hoping for sexy work stories, I'm afraid I'm probably going to have to postpone those for a bit, because while I am back on limited hours, my place of work is enforcing masking for anyone in the building including vaccinated people. As I now know far too many people who have managed to come down with Delta despite being vaccinated, I support this, but it does put a damper on my romantic agenda, not to mention the fact that the limited hours means very little time to even ponder sexy shenanigans let alone act on them.

I'm also having to be more and more careful with stranger fucking, so I wouldn't expect a whole lot of that in the pages of this blog for the foreseeable future. I started up again thinking that I would be able to get back in the saddle, so to speak, and that was definitely the plan, but it was wishful thinking in most respects. Believe me, there hasn't been anything happening which I haven't told you about that involves strange men. Or even familiar but less-so men.

On the plus side, I owe a  certain teenaged boy a birthday present and we've discussed it all around and I think I know the perfect thing, so hopefully that will take place soon. And there are some other things I just need to figure out logistics for. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe you'll just get a bunch of trivia posts until the lights actually come on again all over the world. Who knows when that will be, so please, ask questions yourself if you've got them. My email is lexinaughtygirly[AT]gmail.com and I can't guarantee instant or even any response, but if you ask a good one I'll probably answer it on the blog.

Other than that, everything is fine. Trivia posts are in the pipeline, but that doesn't mean I'm missing again.

Incest vs. Rape

An anonymous reader was kind enough to pose the following question/comment:

I saw this in the NY Times yesterday and thought of you. I haven't read the book, only the review. A penny for your thoughts?

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/18/books/review-anonymous-incest-diary.html

First off, I haven't read the book either, nor am I likely to for various reasons not having much to do with the book itself.  So I can only speak to the review. But I'm happy to offer thoughts on the subject.

The issue, as I see it, is that many people don't have a meaningful understanding of consent.  Our sexual morality is largely informed by the idea that sex can only be moral under certain circumstances, and usually those circumstances don't have anything to do with consent.  People say that sex outside of marriage is immoral, or between two partners of the same gender (and my apologies to any trans people out there; I'm not implying anything, merely stating what other people seem to think), or between two people of different races (look up when the last anti-miscegenation law was repealed in this country; it may surprise you), or between more than two people, or between two people who are in relationships with other people, or between two people of different faiths, or any number of other permutations.

I believe one necessary precondition for moral sex is that the participants are consenting (it isn't the only precondition, but it is the first and most important). I won't go into consent here too much (for instance, consent isn't something which is given once, but must be continually given), but consent is something that must be present in order for a sex act to be moral.  Anything without consent is rape. I don't care if you're married. I don't care if you've had sex a thousand times before. If you have sex with someone who isn't consenting for any reason, that's rape.  There are things which are immoral even with consent, such as cheating, but sex without consent can never be moral.

So this book is a chronicle of rape and abuse to me, and in many ways it affects me more because of that than because of any incest.  And that the sex was also incest affects me too, because it makes me sad that we live in a world where the only way people see incest is as rape, however justified that perception may be.

There are other aspects of the story (as presented by the review) that are troublesome as well. For one, her age. For another, the incest. But if she had been whatever legal age was for her situation and had her rapist been a total stranger, it still would have been rape and that still, for me, is the main issue.

As far as the age factor... it's complicated.  I am not interested in joining NAMbLA, but I think the way we talk about and treat pedophilia is broken in this country.  I could go on, but if you think talking about incest is difficult, try talking reasonably about pedophilia without offending someone.  Let me just say that I don't think all child-rapists are pedophiles: they're rapists and they've found the perfect power imbalance to allow them to rape.  There are plenty of pedophiles who never act on their attraction.  Power, abuse, and exploitation know no age restrictions.  And the fact that we can't talk about it because even talking about it seems like tacit support means that predators will continue to prey and we won't be able to figure out a solution.

And above all that a line-in-the-sand age of consent gives children no agency and ignores differences between people to the point where it's just a convenient fiction.  Because we attach so much baggage to sex, we view sexual activity as something which destroys innocence and so by drawing that line, we protect children.  But if we saw it as just another thing you do, and parents could make responsible decisions (which is asking a lot, I know), then perhaps children would grow up with the same permissions for sex as they have for crossing the street or staying out to a certain hour, determined by their individual readiness rather than a set rule.  This is not to say that children should be able to seek out older strangers whenever their parents think they're ready and make all the pedophiles of the world very happy, but it does mean that sex, like all other aspects of life, would be something you'd grow into.  I'm also not calling on all families to embrace incest.  Maybe sexual play could be just another form of play, with children of the same age experimenting sexually as they experiment with other things (and if you don't think this already happens without adults knowing about it, you are very wrong).  This will never happen, but it does have some historical precedent.  And education about sex and consent would go a long way toward making sure that children were safe, even without strict prohibitions.

Plenty of people view those parents who let their kids experiment with alcohol or drugs or other things with parental supervision as fools.  I don't think the argument that "they're going to do it anyway" is good enough.  Simply letting kids do things they were going to do anyway isn't education, it's enabling.  Which is why education is so important.  It's not enough to say, "Well, kids, you're going to drink behind my back anyway, so here's a fifth of gin and stay in the house please."  You've got to teach them that drinking an entire fifth of gin, whether or not your parents know about it, is not a good idea.  And you can't spring it on them suddenly.  In the same way, saying, "Well, I bet if I don't give you condoms and tell you and your friends to go up to your room and be safe while you fuck, you'll just go do it on the streetcorner without protection," isn't enough.  Do all the kids even want to fuck?  Do they have any idea what they're doing?  Do they know what condoms are beyond "things you ought to wear during sex?"  Do they understand consent beyond, "They said yes so I'm going to do whatever I want?"  Parental supervision isn't just making sure they have a safe place to do unsafe things.

And here, I think my parents wish they could have done better.  Because while we had a very good sexual education, we still did plenty of things behind their backs they wouldn't have approved of.  Because nothing is perfect.  I doubt very highly that there's any way to make sex perfect, any more than there's any way to make children or parents perfect.  I just think that there's a different way to do things which would make it better.  You may disagree and I'll listen.  It's just my opinion, and I don't claim the moral high ground other than to say that if you think consent isn't a precondition for moral sex, I'm going to have a very hard time with any of the conclusions you draw.

Can incest be anything other than rape? I would argue that it can. There certainly is a power dynamic involved which could give one the belief that parents and children having sex cannot be fully consensual under any circumstances, and I appreciate that and don't believe that people who hold that view are bad people.  For one thing, the way incest is typically portrayed in the popular consciousness only reinforces that belief.  For another, sex between people of different power levels (boss-subordinate for example) is troublesome precisely because consent is in question when the subordinate cannot give consent because they are in a power imbalance.  It's all very well to say that a lower-status individual can give informed consent, but can they?  And is the status of parent sufficient to create that imbalance?  These are difficult questions with no easy answers, and most of what is presented is cases where the high-power partner was in fact taking advantage of the power imbalance.

People have a visceral response to incest, and I acknowledge that. It's a taboo.  People have a similar response to underage (whatever age we're under) sex as well.  Both of these reactions are probably justified in society, and both are understandable.  And if the story includes both, as well as abuse, then it's hard not to have those reactions.

But for me, the most important part was the rape.  The author was repeatedly and systematically raped by a man, and those around her supported this by allowing it. Whether she was underage or his daughter matters less to me than that he abused and raped her.

More than that, I can't really say about the book.  But you're probably not here for a book review or a discussion of consent.

My father has never raped me.  By various legal definitions, he certainly has, and one could argue that I was of an age where I couldn't give informed consent, that I was groomed and thus never needed to be abused physically or forced, but that it was rape all the same because of consent issues.  But legal definitions are hard and fast (no, get your mind out of the gutter, we're being serious) precisely because they cannot allow for exceptions or they fail.  There's a reason why we have judges to determine the spirit of laws, both at the highest levels and the lowest.  There's a reason why trials are about more than determining guilt or innocence before the letter of the law.  We acknowledge that the letter of the law is absolute but cannot appropriately define the vastness of human experience.

You may believe that some things are in fact written in stone, no leeway, no allowances, 100% right or wrong.  If so, I would agree, although we'd probably disagree about what those things are.  And being so close to the case, as it were, I'm not really in a good position to judge dispassionately, and so I'm probably not a good person to decide.

But I have been raped by a man other than my father.  And I have said no to my father, and my sisters, and my brother, and been respected.  Mari has, for years, said no to sex with both my father and my brother, albeit not in so many words.  She has withdrawn consent, and that has been respected.  My father has never used sex to punish me, and if he enjoys our sex life, I would hate to think he didn't.  I certainly enjoy it.  And I didn't stop enjoying it at a certain point, nor did I initially not enjoy it and later come around to enjoying it.  Am I a reliable witness?  No, of course not.  You could claim that my perceptions of the situation are colored by all sorts of things: I was pressured into it by my father's power over me; or I was abused but have repressed it in the same way that the author of this book clearly came to enjoy her abuse; or while I may now be able to give consent, I wasn't capable when I was younger and now the damage is done.  I know these arguments.  I live them.

At the end of the day, all I can say is that I was raised in a very sex-positive way, which happened to include incest, but I think I would have turned out similarly sex-positive had incest not occurred; I just would have had a lot of sex with non-family-members.  Is raising a child sex-positive wrong?  I don't think so, but that's my opinion.

Have I turned out messed up?  Do I have an unhealthy relationship with sex?  What is an unhealthy relationship with sex?  I know that I don't have the same relationship with sex that most people have, but I know plenty of people who are as sex-positive as I am, if not more so, and they weren't abused as children and came to it later in life.  But many people who police the morals of sex would lump us all into the same group, and maybe they're right.  Maybe sex really should be a horrible, shameful thing that we only do for procreation and no one enjoys.  I don't think so, and thus I don't think my attitude toward sex is immoral or unhealthy.

I am not a healthy person.  I am not a paragon of perfection.  If you expect that from anyone who holds different ideas about morality, you'll be waiting a long time.  But I have introspected and thought and examined and I can't find anything wrong with my upbringing in general.  Things happened when I was a kid which I acknowledge are probably not good things, and I've made plenty of bad decisions, but does that invalidate my childhood completely?  I would argue no.

So, to return to the beginning, I feel sorry for this woman because she was raped by someone who should have loved her.  I feel that way about people who are raped by anyone they trusted or should have been able to trust.  And I feel sorry for her because if she had lived in a different world, maybe her father wouldn't have needed to rape her to get his jollies.  Maybe he would have, because unfortunately there are people in the world who don't need to transgress taboos to take advantage of power.  Many rapists don't want willing sex partners.  They want to have control.  And there are  healthy ways of expressing that desire which are shut off for most people (D/s for one), but even with those available, there are still people who can't have any limits on power.  There are people who never physically abuse anyone who still abuse their power and cause damage because they can and they enjoy it.  Power, abuse, and exploitation don't desire permission.

As I said, I have been raped.  It didn't affect me in the same way it affects some people because I don't have the same relationship with sex as many people.  But it was still rape, and it still hurt (not really physically, but definitely mentally).  And I have never felt that hurt with my family, not even at the worst of times, not even when we've been angry at each other (which, by the way, never involved sex; my family are passionate people and we yell a lot, but sex has never been about anger or power).  And while I could be lying to you and myself, I don't believe I am.  And at the end of the day, that's all I've got.  I know a lot about myself, I know my flaws and broken places, and my family is not one of them.  I don't know what else to say other than that.

That got long and wasn't sexy and probably pissed some people off, but you asked.

Follow-Up Questions With Mike

Advizor was kind enough to send a few follow-up questions, so since I got to chat with Mike the other day, I asked them.  As always, Mike's words, but I have edited and massaged and so forth.

If things get serious with Mia would he share more of the family history?

I might.  I've told a few previous girlfriends some things, like that I lost my virginity really young.  It's not an easy thing to do because it's kind of risky, both from the standpoint of them immediately saying, "Ew, you're a freak" and leaving, and because they might either leave me at a later point and then spill their guts, or they might just let it slip.  Sheri is much more risky about it than I am [Lexi note: she really is].

I told a girl I'd had sex with my sisters before, and she was into it.  She said she'd fucked her uncle once and she didn't care.  She liked talking about it with me, liked the taboo.  But before I told her about me and Mom, she said she was okay with anything but having sex with parents, so I cut off those stories.  We had a good time, led to some very nasty sex, but I think she was more interested in talking about her own experiences with it than she was in hearing mine.  I worried a little when we broke up, but I can always say I was just telling her what she wanted to hear.

With Mia, I don't know.  She's freaky in the sack and she's open to a lot of stuff.  I don't know where the line is.  I'd have to figure that out before I told her anything.  I mean, if it got really serious, she'd have to meet the family and she'd have to find out, but that's way more serious than we are right now.  I guess the best way forward would be to invite Lexi up and have a threesome with no brother-sister stuff at first, see how Mia reacted to that, then go from there. [Lexi note: okay, sounds good, let's do it.]

Are you or Sveta attracted to Mia?

This one's for me?  You should answer that.

[Lexi note: okay, I will.  We've never met her, but from the pictures she's very attractive and I would fuck her if asked.  Sveta would too, I'm sure.  She's cute.  A few years younger than Mike but not a baby.  He's got good taste.]

Last new thing Mike tried sexually? Did he ask for it or did Mia?

Mia is very open to the idea of finding a bi guy and watching him fuck me.  Very open.  Probably more open than I am.  So the last new thing we've done was her pegging me with a strapon.  Not really new I guess because I've done anal play before, but this was definitely me being a sub to her domme.  I didn't get to fuck her that time at all; she fucked my ass hard and then made me jack off for her to watch.  I liked it.  Not as a regular thing, but it was fun.  Since she's usually fairly submissive it was a shift for her, but she enjoyed herself.  Probably something we're going to explore in future.  The bi guy... might not happen because it's hard to find a unicorn period, let alone a guy unicorn who swings both ways.  But if we ever did, she'd like that.  It's a pity she doesn't know about Liam and Kevin because we could have a lot of fun with them. [Lexi note: yes.  Yes they could.]

So that's it for the follow-ups, until someone else sends in more.  Be like Advizor.  Send me questions, for me, for Sveta, for anyone else I can ask.  I'm happy to ask them.

Being Fresh

Bob has a question:

"Here's a question for you: Have you ever slapped a guy? Like, for being 'fresh' or whatever?"

Good question.

I try not to be violent, as a rule.  When I was younger, I was always larger than my peer group, and definitely larger than kids younger than me (what can I say? I've always been tall), and I got into trouble a few times "not knowing my own strength" and so forth.  So I try not to get violent simply because it usually winds up blowing up in my face.

That said, leaving aside times when I've been mostly kidding (Mike has been slapped because he was being a jerk, but I pulled those punches), I can only think of a few times when I've even been tempted to slap someone.  Shockingly, despite the fairer sex's reputation for bitchy catfights, I don't think I've ever slapped another girl.  That's not to say I've never hurt another girl, just that it wasn't a slap.

With guys... I guess "fresh" has never been an issue for me.  Or rather, that my level of "freshness" is different and if you cross that line, you're getting more than a slap.

Hey, I don't usually do this, but this next paragraph is about attempted sexual assault, so... unsexy, might be triggering, if you don't want to read it, skip it.

I kneed a guy in the balls once.  In my defense (not that I think my action needs defending, but I know it's a painful area) he was beyond fresh, and I genuinely feared for my safety.  It also didn't really work, in that he probably would have just gotten madder, but it did draw attention to the situation and brought things to a crashing halt.  Had we been in a more secluded spot, I would probably have been in trouble, and had the police not been called, he would probably have assaulted and/or raped me.  Fortunately for me, the situation resolved itself more pleasantly, which is to say that it was a giant pain in the ass and I wound up having to talk my way out of an assault charge myself because he claimed I was the aggressor, etc. etc. but I wasn't assaulted or raped and I didn't get charged with anything because a cop showed up who wasn't a total dick and believed me enough to realize that the guy was drunk and belligerent and I was not.  Didn't believe me that the guy was trying to rape me though.  Fun times.

But that's not really an answer.

The answer is that I've never slapped a guy for being "fresh."  At the point in my life where guys were being "fresh" rather than assaulting me (and really, there's no difference, just that we excuse a lot of bad behavior in certain groups) I either was okay with it or I pushed them away but didn't slap them.

I have, however, slapped guys for things other than "freshness."  They don't stand out in my memory particularly, but I can remember a few.  I remember I gave a guy head once but told him in no uncertain terms that he was to cum in my mouth and not make a mess, so of course he proceeded to pull back and cum all over me.  I stood up, gave him a look which should have terrified him, and he laughed and said something, I don't remember what, so I slapped him.  Not "fresh" exactly, but I suppose if I were a different person it would have been a different situation and he would have gotten slapped for something more minor.  He got pissed and stormed off, I had to endure the humiliation of people knowing what we had been doing because there was no way to clean up without walking past other people.  I didn't care overly; I'm less prone to sexual humiliation.  But I still cared, and it still made me embarrassed.

I also recall slapping a guy because he didn't ask whether he could just jam his cock up my ass.  He had no way of knowing that it was okay.  It was more fight-or-flight response than anything else, and he jammed and I whipped around and smacked him hard.  And then screamed at him to get his shit and get the fuck out, if I remember correctly.  I was supremely pissed because had he asked, anal was totally on the table, but you don't jam an unlubed cock up an unsuspecting ass, particularly if it's your first time with this person and you don't know whether she's even okay with the idea of anal.  It's possible that I had a reputation for being okay with it, but it still wasn't cool.  If he'd made moves in that direction without asking, maybe started working toward it like he was going to pull a fast one on me, most girls still would have slapped him even if I wouldn't have.  But he just got me naked, bent me over, and with no prep work tried to fuck my ass.  No sir.

I feel a little worse about that one because it was partially my state of mind at the time.  If he'd caught me on a good day, the reaction would have been a lot less.  I was just not interested in putting up with his shit.  Not really an excuse, but I don't feel too bad about it.

Other than that, I can't think of any slaps which were memorable.  I'm pretty sure I've slapped people in non-sexual situations too, not for any sexual license on their part but because I was pissed at them.  But maybe not.  Like I said, I try very hard not to get physically violent.

Q&A With Mike

I did one of these ages ago with Sheri and I got to talk with Mike the other day, so I decided I'd ask him if he'd be willing to do a bit of Q&A.  That's not a double entendre for anything.  Just questions and answers.  As always, you can join in by emailing or DMing or commenting or any other way you can get ahold of me, if there are questions you'd like answered by my supporting cast.  I'll be asking the same questions this time around, with edits and so forth just like last time.  If it sounds like my phrasing, it's because it is.  I punched up a few things to make it more interesting to read; most of the dialogue is interpreted and probably not actually what was said, but close enough.  Yeah, like you were expecting the New York Times.  I interpret.  I enliven.  It's all what he said, just finessed a bit.

---

#1 - What's your favorite position?

Depends on the girl.  And what we're doing.  With anal, it's got to be doggy.  With you, I love missionary, and if the girl is good looking and has nice tits, missionary is very nice.  But lately I've been into getting ridden, which has all the good stuff from missionary plus we can get a rhythm going better with both of us working at it.

#2 - What kind of porn are you watching lately?

Mother-son stuff.  I guess I miss Mom.  I like it when there's a younger girl involved too.

#3 - Who was the last girl you fucked?

[Lexi note: Mike has a fairly steady thing right now, so this question took a bit of drawing out, since initially he just said, "Come on, what kind of dumb question is that?"]

Mia [his current thing].  Last night she got home from work and wanted two orgasms.  She said she wanted at least two, right out of the gate.  I thought she meant her, but she wanted two from me.  So we ordered a pizza which got cold, I fucked her mouth until I came on her tits, then she rode me hard, said the first one didn't count, made me get hard again, and told me it was all on me this time.  She lay back and let me plow her, cute little wails and cumming and so forth, then I came on her face.  She said that was what she wanted and then went to bed.  I wasn't complaining.  Sometimes Mia just needs to get fucked to destress a little.

#4 - How about the gentlemen?

[Lexi note: my brother has some bi curiosity, but he doesn't indulge in it beyond sometimes some ass play with toys.  So he said, "Copying and pasting from Sheri's responses isn't going to work here."  Which is true.  But I wanted to copy and paste, so you get this instead.]

#5 - Most interesting recent partner?

[Lexi note: Mike and Mia aren't totally exclusive, but they share rather than going outside the partnership.  As far as I know, she doesn't know about his family matters, so he's cheating on her if he has sex with any of the family, but I can't judge him both because he's my brother and because I've been in the same situation.]

Mia.  Okay, no, that's not fair.  Sheri's answer was all about deflowering a guy, and I've got nothing recent which was anywhere near that fun.  Should I talk about the last time I popped a virgin?

[Lexi note: yes, because that sounds more interesting than your recent stuff.]

Okay, so the last girl I popped was legal but just, drunk at a party I was at, started coming on to me because she thought I was with the band.  I wasn't, but she was hot and no other fish were biting, so I let her think I was.  We started making out, she said she wanted to go somewhere quieter, so we went back to my room [Lexi note: it should be said here that Mike was not barely legal; this was probably last year and he's talking about a hotel room, not a dorm room.]

We got there, she's starting to get a little more sober and realizing she's committing to something she doesn't really want to commit to, so I told her it was fine, she could go, no biggie, I wasn't expecting anything [Lexi note: Mike, for any flaws he might have otherwise, is pretty decent].  I mean, I totally was expecting something, raring to go, but you know [Lexi note: I do].

So she leaves and I'm thinking about finding someplace to go, maybe pick up another girl, something.  But I wound up jerking off in my room because I'm not as young as I used to be [Lexi note: then what were you doing at the party in the first place, dingus?].  I finished up, put something on the TV, and was getting ready to drift off when there's a knock on my door.

It's the girl again.  I told her I'd be right there, threw some clothes back on, let her in.  She says, "I'm sorry, I led you on, you hate me."  Don't you just love drama?  I really wanted to say, "No, I don't, get out and let me sleep," but she said, "You were such a good guy.  Most guys would have just taken advantage.  And... I just was nervous because I've never done anything like this before."

"Never hooked up in a hotel room after a party?"

"No, I mean..." And she was blushing and stammering and I could see what she was actually trying to say.

"You've never hooked up at all."

"I mean, I've made out with guys.  But I came to college and I figured I'd, you know, and it just..."

"Look, you were drunk, people make mistakes, whatever.  I'm sorry I put you in this position.  You didn't need to apologize.  And maybe next time, don't go back to a stranger's hotel room because bad things happen.  You should have someone to watch your back."

Turns out that her buddy was even more drunk than she was, so yeah, choices.

But then she said, "You're so awesome.  I... I want to do it with you.  I want you to.  I'm not drunk any more and I want to do it."

Well okay then.  So we started making out again, and she was still pretty shy about it, and I kept telling her we didn't have to do this, but she seemed like she was going to go ahead with it.  "I just want to do it," she said.

Her body was very nice, once I got her clothes off, and her being shy was kind of cute.  Innocent, you know?  I was ready to go again [Lexi note: when isn't he?] but you'd be proud, I took my time, I got her comfortable.  Once I gave her permission to be sexual, she even rubbed her pussy a little before I said I was going to get her really comfortable and ate her out.  No orgasm but she relaxed.

Then I got my own clothes off.  She wasn't surprised by my cock like some girls are [Lexi note: he's not saying he's huge, although he's perfectly respectable, just that virgins sometimes haven't even ever seen a cock before] and she asked me if I wanted her to do anything.  I just told her I was going to fuck her and that was all she had to worry about [Lexi note: I sure hope those weren't the exact words he used, because that's all you need to do is bring up worry at a time like this].

She took me like a champ.  Between her juice and the condom, I didn't have to do much to get inside her.  No blood, which I'll admit disappointed me a little.  It didn't even hurt her.  She just lay back and looked happy until I pulled back and rocked a little, and then her eyes got wide and she started gasping.  Didn't want to wear her out, but after having jerked off not too long ago, I was going to last for a while, so I tried to go slow and steady.

I think she came on me.  I'm not sure.  I hope so.  She certainly seemed to be enjoying herself.  But after a while, she asked me if I wanted to switch positions, so we spooned.  I wrapped her tits in my hands and God they were nice college teen tits.  I felt like I was going to go on forever though, so I sped up a little and she begged me to be gentle.  So I had to slowly, slowly fuck, and after the novelty wore off, it wasn't that great.  I mean, she felt great, and her body was amazing, but she was kind of like a warm sex doll, not much reaction beyond moaning and occasionally squeezing her pussy on me.

But I can force myself to cum if I have to, so I did.  I asked her where she wanted her first jizz, and she looked a little startled.  "I don't know, where do you usually cum?"

I didn't tell her I usually like to cum in a pussy or an ass.  "If you don't feel like it in your mouth, that's okay.  I can just cum in the condom."

But she wanted the full experience, so I pulled out and did the porno thing where the guy stands there forever wanking for the money shot.  I settled on her tits because she didn't seem like she wanted a facial.  The orgasm was lousy and forced, but she thought it was the greatest thing ever.  She played with it with her finger, but she didn't taste.

She wanted to know if she could stay the night because she had nowhere else to go.  I really needed to get to sleep because I actually had things to do the next day.  She said she'd make it worth my while and was reaching for my cock like she was trying to pick up a hot poker, but I told her that wasn't necessary, and if she wanted to stay that was fine but she didn't need to sleep with me.  But she was all over me, even if she wasn't all over my cock, saying how great I was, and damn it I have an ego just like everyone else.  So even though I had planned on giving her the bed and sleeping on the couch, we wound up sleeping together.

Even though she said she was up for more, she was out like a light about five minutes later, curled up next to me.  In the morning I was all set to get up and go for the continental breakfast, but she was there all big-eyed and naked and saying she knew she'd never see me again and that I was the best and she wanted me again before I left, so what was I going to do?

I fingered her while we kissed and she even got up her courage and started stroking my cock.  Then I pulled on another condom and let her straddle me.  I think she was sore because it was even slower and gentler than before, and I really just wanted to grab her hips and fuck her silly and get it out of her system so I could maybe get a shower and then maybe grab the dregs of continental breakfast.  God though, she had a tight little body and it was fun watching her giggling and rocking.  I told her I wanted to make her cum and she liked that idea, so I tweaked her nipples and she rubbed her clit while bouncing and finally she said, like she was proud, "I'm going to cum."  Her orgasm was disappointing too, a quick gasp and flutter and then she was lying on my chest and telling me how amazing I was again and I was getting tired of it all.

"I'm going to fuck you a little harder, okay?"

"Okay."  And to her credit she put up with a bit more rough, maybe a 2 on the dial instead of a 1.  I let her lie there and grabbed her ass and pressed up, speeding up until she said no more.  She even let me run my fingers over her ass without saying anything.  And I didn't bother to ask, just rolled her off me like a sack of potatoes, pulled off the condom, and jerked it again until she moved her head over without saying anything and opened her mouth.  So if she was going to let me...

I even got a few little licks and sucks, which was enough, and I held her in place and then shot onto her tongue and lips.  Another really weak orgasm, but the volume was impressive.  I don't think she was expecting as much as there was, and I certainly wasn't.  She looked like I had splashed her face with cold water.  But she let me cum on her tongue with only a little flinching.

Honestly, the best part, and the part I wish had happened sooner because we could have have way more fun, was that she said, "It tastes a little funny," but then swallowed and licked her lips.  "Not bad though.  I could do that again."

We didn't though.  I didn't get breakfast.  She wanted to stay, I think, but I told her that I really did have places to go, people to see, things to do, and no, I wouldn't be going to that party tonight.  So she left after showering and I never saw her again.  I mean, it was fun, but it was also kind of a drag.  I like the virgins who are raring to go and want to learn.  I bet she went back to college with a story to tell and got fucked by a bunch of assholes while drunk.

#6 - Worst sex recently?

Mia brought home this woman a few weeks ago, older than us, and I wasn't attracted to her at all, but I went along with it for Mia because she was so proud she'd picked up a woman for a threesome [Lexi note: I guess Mia is as inexperienced in this regard as Sveta is, or they usually pick up a third together or something].  The woman was not my type.  Mia said after that she wasn't really her type either, but had said yes.  So we had a pretty pedestrian threesome with this woman who was mostly looking to get hers from both of us, like she was doing us a favor by agreeing to be shared.  Mia didn't get any oral at all, and I only got some while Mia was eating the woman out.  Her pussy was sloppy, her tits were saggy, and she just wasn't much of a lay even leaving out the shallow stuff.  She had a great time, drank a bunch of our liquor, and has asked us if we want to do it again, but we're always busy, wouldn't you know.

---

Again, if you've got any questions for anyone I can ask, including me, send them along. This was just some random shit questions I thought up way back when, and while we managed to get a good virgin story out of them, they're pretty basic.  Feel free to ask specifics.

Tight Like Prom Night

Another mini-episode.  Please ask questions.  Or something.  I don't know.  Is anyone even reading this?

This isn't a question, but rather a conversation I had with a friend made me ponder vaginal tightness.

As a lady interested in other ladies (as well as gentlemen, but that's beside the point) I get my hands on a fair number of lady parts.  I would like to stress, for the benefit of anyone who might see this while I'm running for political office (yeah, right) that this is entirely consensual (and that's all you'll hear from me about politics).

But I know there's been a fascination among men about "tightness" which has probably been going on for as long as there were virgins but which has been coming to the forefront lately, probably because of porn and unrealistic depictions of sex and women in mainstream culture.  If it's not "thigh-gap" it's "tight pussy."

Now, I don't possess a cock, so I can't speak for that, but as far as I'm concerned, while there is a bit of a thrill which comes from sliding a finger or two into a nice tight pussy, for the most part, in my interactions with the vagina, tightness doesn't really make much of a difference.

I think that most of what people mistake for "tightness" is actually "lack of foreplay."  Guys, if your lady is so tight that it takes force to penetrate her, you're hurting her and you're doing sex wrong.  A pussy should be able to accommodate a gamut of penises from the small to the large without much effort, provided they've been warmed up first.  The vagina is elastic, and most of them, when they're not prepared, are too tight.  Too tight isn't sexy, it's unpleasant.

Or if you'd like to look at it another way, if a lady is "too tight" for your monster hog, that's like trying to stick a pencil up your urethra.  Sounding might feel great, but you don't want it to be "too tight."

I imagine it stems from both a desire for the virginal and from a desire to think that your cock is massive.  Guess what?  Virgins aren't any tighter than anyone else.  Being a slut doesn't stretch your pussy out.  "Too tight," is just "unprepared," which many virgins are because first times tend to be nervous, speedy, rough, or all three.  They absolutely do not have to be.  First times can be wonderful.  Mine was, but that's because it was loving, slow, and while there were some nerves, there was plenty of prep.

Now, for the ladies, "too tight" isn't pleasant.  Taking something which is too big, I mean really too big, not just big enough to make you think, "Wow, that's going to be pretty big," is painful.  And the thing is, if everything's always "too tight" even with plenty of gentle, loving prep (read: he ate you out for an hour, you used a bucket of lube, and still he's not able to work his way in), that's a medical issue.  So aspiring to "tightness" isn't necessarily a thing one should do.

That said, some people want to tighten things up a little.  Not "too tight" but just maybe a little.  And that's fine.  But the more I read, the more I become convinced that there's very little you can do.  Sure, you can do your kegels and so forth, but abstaining from sex isn't going to make you tighter.  And most women don't need to be tighter.  Pussies are all different and they're all wonderful, and if you've got a guy who's complaining that you're not tight enough, chances are he might not be the guy for you.  I understand that childbirth can affect things, but sex will not make you loose and flappy.

Arousal makes the lady parts more elastic (it has to because the lady parts are pretty shallow and tight without it) but it also makes them swell up, so proper foreplay can help make things more pleasant for everyone.  And kegels... well, doctors now seem to be on the fence about them, but even if you do them, it's not going to make your pussy shrink.  You don't want it to.

Enough of a PSA, I think.

I have had "tight" and "not so tight" but I've never had "pencil down a well."  I don't have the requisite pencil, so maybe that's just me.  Ladies, if your man is complaining about tightness and being a jerk about it, find yourself a nice lady friend because she's unlikely to care.  I certainly don't.  And "tight" doesn't necessarily mean capacity either.  I've been with women who were quite snug, but who could take a baseball bat.  Just not first thing in the morning with no foreplay and no lube.  Everyone's tight without prep.  Guys, try jamming something up your ass without lube and see how tight that is.

Sorry, that was nasty.  I'm sure there are exceptions and that not all guys and so forth.  Just please, foreplay.  Foreplay.  Foreplay.

Swallowing

I've got a few mini episodes I'm going to post over the next couple of days because I've got to keep posting.  I'm sorry they're short.  And they're just Q&A.  But please ask questions because I need to have writing prompts.  You can comment (I read them all even if I don't say anything back), or email me at lexinaughtygirly[AT]gmail, or hit me on Twitter.  Or if you've got another suggestion for platforms where you can AMA, while I don't think reddit is a possibility, please let me know.  Anyway, on with the show.

Here's one I get in various forms.

"Lexi, do you always swallow?  Like, always?  Really always?  You say 'good girls swallow' but is that fair?  Aren't you judging people who don't like the taste?"

First off, I'm not judging.  Okay, I am, but I shouldn't, because while I think it's the bee's knees, semen isn't for everyone.  I've met plenty of women who don't like it or can't do it for whatever reason.

However, if you don't like the taste, my suggestion is to keep it out of your mouth entirely.  I know, he wants to nut on your tongue, but gently tell him that there are plenty of other sexy things he can do with his seed.  If you're going to wind up with it in your mouth, spitting it out isn't going to stop you from having to taste it.  Just don't wind up with it in your mouth.  That, at any rate, would be my suggestion.  I know there are women who aren't put off by the taste but get squicked by swallowing or who get indigestion when they swallow, and to them I say, "Sorry, you can still be a good girl and I'll try not to be judgmental about it in future."  Except I'll probably say, "Good girls swallow," without thinking about it.

Second, I don't always swallow.

Cue aghast looks from my audience, who now think I'm a horrible liar and hypocrite.

I usually swallow.  I enjoy the taste (it is a slightly acquired taste, I'll admit, but I acquired it early).  Of course, I confess that I prefer other things than swallowing a load.  But if it's not going to be in my pussy or in my ass, I like it in my mouth.

That said, there have been a few times, maybe more than a few, where something wasn't right, biologically, or something.  I've been with a few guys where once or twice their cum tasted absolutely foul.  Supposedly diet can affect it, but I've also seen things which say that's not true, and I can't point to a culprit.  A few times I've been drunk and feeling a little queasy and it wasn't them, it was just my taste buds being fucked up.  But sometimes it just doesn't taste good.

Sometimes I swallow anyway, because hell, it's in my mouth already and as I said spitting isn't going to wash away the taste.  At least not for me.  I've had to go get something to drink after (not necessarily alcoholic, although that's happened too) to wash out the taste.  But sometimes the taste is so off-putting that I either spit without really thinking or I can't stand the thought of swallowing something that tastes that bad, so I don't.

I've been with a couple of guys who were always terrible tasting.  Without fail.  That's got to be personal chemistries not meshing or something.  I've been with a few guys who, no matter how clean they were, always smelled bad to me too.  Just a few: smell is a turn-off for me, not BO but smelling bad.  No pattern there either, but it happens.

When I was giving a lot of blowjobs to the exclusion of other activities (read: high school and college) I usually didn't make a scientific study of it, so I don't know whether a lot of those were always bad or just on that occasion.  If it's going to go further than head and he tastes bad enough I have to worry about it, some other option is on the table and most guys don't complain if you tell them to cum inside you rather than cumming in your mouth.

So no, I don't always swallow.  I make it a habit, but sometimes it's just not happening.  And I think at this point I've had more cum inside me and on me than in my mouth, although there was certainly a time in my life where that wasn't true, at least per capita (by volume I don't know, because I got a lot of semen from a few guys in my early years.

Bad Decisions and Anal Play

Here's a question which no one has ever really asked but which has been approached by several people: "Hey Lexi, what's the strangest thing you've ever stuck up your ass?"

As a rule, imaginary questioner, I try not to stick things up my butt that I can't get back.  That means it's got to have a strong cord or a spread base.  I don't stick vibes up my ass unless they've got a way to get them out, and I don't use pussy dildos in my ass because that's why God gave us anal dildos and plugs.

So no, I don't have any stories of sticking a Coke can up my ass and then having to go to the Emergency Room and explain myself to a bunch of judgmental nurses.  I know, they've seen it all, but I don't want that to happen.  I don't need that in my life.  But beyond that, frankly dear reader, if you stick something up your ass and you can't pull it back out, even if the ER isn't involved, it can get dicey.  I'm not talking about things so wide the anal ring won't give them up.  I'm talking things which you have to, for want of a better word, shit back out again.

I've done stupid things in my life.  I've stuck things up my ass which shouldn't have gone there.  And every time, I wind up making a mess, albeit that I know this will happen and so I make a mess in a toilet.  Sorry, this is perhaps a bit more graphic than I'd like it to be, but let's just say that when things come back, no matter how clean you thought you were, they're likely to bring friends of a brown variety.

All that said, it's not an answer to the question.  So let's try to answer it.

Strange is subjective, of course; a lot of folks would probably think my brother's cock is a strange thing to stick up my ass.  But it's just a cock.  Maybe folks think sticking one end of a double dildo up my ass and using it to fuck someone is strange, but hey, that's just Thursday.

I think the strangest thing I ever stuck up my ass might have been a yo-yo.  Go with me here.  A yo-yo is perfect for anal insertion because it's a nice strange shape so it feels interesting, plus it has a string so you can get it back.  This wasn't a huge yo-yo or anything either.  It was a small one.

How did I get into this situation?  Well, I was with a guy and we saw it on the shelf at a toy store and started making jokes about how tiny it was, which moved on to jokes about how it looked like an anal bead (which it sort of did) and then I said, "I bet I could get that up my ass, easy."

Understand that at this point, it wasn't even really a date.  We'd never seen each other naked.  He knew I was sexual, and we'd been flirting as we went through the mall (because I hate malls and I needed something to do to keep from snapping and running screaming), but it wasn't like we both knew that we were going to leave and go someplace and fuck wildly with yo-yos involved.

"You could not," he said.

"I could."

"I dare you to try."

I don't think he meant it, but I grinned and bought the yo-yo.  I don't think he knew what was happening at this point.  I pulled a little bottle of lube out of my purse, waved it at him, and said, "You buy dinner if I come back with a string hanging out of my ass."  And without letting him say anything, I traipsed off to the bathroom, put a little lube on the yo-yo, and pressed it up into my ass.  No problem.

If this were a truly funny story, I would have pulled on the string to remove it only to have the string break off, and then hilarity would have ensued.  But this isn't a terribly funny story.  If you want that story, look up Jim Jeffries' routine about something similar, which is hilarious.

Instead, the Chinese orphans must have been working hard that day because the string was totally fine.  In fact, I'd left a large part of it wound around the yo-yo and when I pulled a little, the yo-yo rotated a little without emerging.  That was a nice feeling.  I can't recommend it because it seems like you're likely to hurt yourself or lose the yo-yo in a compromising situation, but I had to pull a little harder before it came back out, and it spun a few revolutions in my backside before doing so.

Then I popped it back in, made sure the string was long enough to show down the leg of my shorts, and came back out.  Yes, I was walking into a crowded mall with a yo-yo in my ass and the string hanging down, visible to all.  It wasn't that visible.

He didn't believe me at first.  I told him to give it a little tug, which felt nice.  I was close to cumming from all the excitement.  He said he thought I had it in my panties.  I told him fine, we'd find someplace more private and I'd prove it.

That private place wound up being hard to find in a mall, but we eventually wound up in a unisex changing room at a clothing store, and the degree of skullduggery to which we resorted to get both of us in there at the same time would take way too long and be too embarrassing to relate, particularly since all that happened was I pulled my shorts and panties down enough for him to see, bent over a little, and waggled my butt to show that the string was in fact coming from my ass.  "Go on, give it a little pull," I said, and he did so.

And then satisfied that I had won the bet, he bought me dinner.

No, only kidding.  That wouldn't be much of a story.  In fact, I pulled my shorts back up, tucked the string into my waistband, and said, "Did you like that?"

He nodded.  Of course he liked that.

"Want to put off that dinner you owe me for a bit and see what else you like?"

He nodded again.  That I had my hand on his crotch and could feel the hardon probably helped him make a decision.

So we skullduggeried our way back out of the dressing room and sprinted back to his car, then drove probably much too fast to the closest unoccupied bed we could find, then I let him spend probably too long yo-yoing in my ass, pulling the string to get the yo-yo to turn inside me, before I demanded that he fuck me, right there, right now, as hard as possible, as long as possible.  Getting fucked with a toy in your ass is always fun, and this was no exception.  He didn't last long, but I got a nice O in before he'd barely started, so I was fine with him finishing quickly.

Then I told him that if he could get the yo-yo out, he could replace it with whatever he might have on hand, hint hint, and he wasted no time pulling the yo-yo out and ramming his cock in, and I got a nice long assfucking.  He was definitely a guy who needed a warm-up before the main event, so to speak, and while I usually would do that orally, this was good too.

Once he'd gone above and beyond the call of duty, we dressed again and he bought me dinner like a gentleman (I believe it was fast food, actually; we were young and I wasn't expecting much) and then I whispered to him that I wanted a longer time in my pussy, thank you kindly.  He didn't complain, and we went back and fucked another respectable time.  As I left, I said, "You can keep the yo-yo as a memento," or something similarly stupid.

I'm kind of sorry I let him keep it because it really was a fun toy and experience.

So that might be the strangest thing I've ever stuck up my ass, or at least in context it was pretty wild.  But seriously, don't do it kids; you'll have bad luck and the Chinese orphans will have been sleeping on the job and you'll be having a great time pulling string until you realize that you've got the other end and the yo-yo is still in there.  And then you'll blame me for corrupting you and forcing you to explain to the judgmental nurses that you must have slipped and fallen while yo-yoing naked and doing some crazy trick.

But if you do try it and it works out, tell me how it was.  I enjoyed myself immensely.