TMI Non-Sexy Time

 I'm just going through the archives. I don't know. One of the questions might spark a recollection or something. We'll see.

What was the name of the first person you ever had a crush on? Why did you like them?

I had a crush on a girl named Margaret when I was very young. I liked that she was smart and pretty. She later turned out to be a lesbian, but it's probably for the best that we didn't get together because we were quite different people. I still occasionally think about her and her family.

Which parent do you identify with the most?

Mom. I love Dad, but I'm more like my mother than I usually like to admit. But I got something from both sides, so it's not like I don't identify with my father.

What food will you absolutely not, under any circumstances, eat?

Insects. I might if they were ground up, but I'm not eating them whole. I view this as a bit of a failing of mine, but I can't get over the squick factor.

Would you ever adopt a child?

My financial situation would have to change a lot for kids to be in the cards. Sveta feels the same way, don't worry. At this point, if a miracle happened and we suddenly were flush with cash, Sveta would probably want to have a natural baby, but if for some reason that wasn't possible, we'd totally adopt. That said, I know a certain amount about it and frankly, if getting pregnant was as complicated as adopting and took as long, the human race would have long ago died out. It's a hassle.

When was the last time you played a board game? What game?

You know, I can't think of the last board game I played. Sveta's not a big one for games. We've played Cards Against Humanity with friends that I can remember, but I can't think of a board game I've played in a really long time.

How old is your longest living relative?

I think my uncle Sam is the oldest living relative I have, oddly enough. Well, I may have some cousins a fair distance removed who are older, but I don't count them. Sam's 75 I think. It's terrible; I should know.

Do you hope to live to this age? Why?

It's not that old. Sure, I'll live into my 70s. I mean, the world may be an utter shithole by the time I get there, but I have no plans to die at 69 for the lolz.

What is your family’s native language? Your native language?

English and English.

How old were you when you started dating?

My parents let me start actually dating in late middle school. It was mostly innocent.

How old were you when you first had sex–any kind of sex?

I plead the Fifth, but I lost my virginity when I hit puberty, and before that I fooled around with my sisters a lot, which counts, so let's just say it was significantly before I was allowed to start dating.

How would you describe your sense of humor?

Dry, quirky, esoteric even, and a bit zany.

I'd be fascinated to hear what any readers would say in answer to that question. How would you describe my humor? Pop that, or any other questions you might have for me, in the comments or in my email (lexinaughtygirly[AT]gmail.com).

TMI Tuesday

From the archives.  Seriously, ask me questions or I'm just going to keep doing these stupid things.

1. Whasssssuuuupppppp?

Get out.  If you answer your phone like this, get a better brain.  Of course, my uncle, whenever he calls anyone he knows, starts with, "What're you doin'?"  Before the days of caller ID (which for me was not that long ago) you'd pick up the phone and hear, "What're you doin'?" and for a second, no matter how many times it happened, wonder if this was the day you finally got an obscene phone call.  I love Uncle Sam to death, but Jesus dude, what's wrong with, "Hey, it's your uncle?"

2. Where’s Waldo?

#2 in this article.  There, you're welcome.

3. The best part of waking up is?

Sex.  I hate waking up, but since you can't really enjoy sex when you're asleep, it's probably the best part of waking up.

4. Got Milk?

Actually, we do currently have some because we got a hankering for cookies and milk.  Usually we don't.  And as I'm unlikely to ever produce my own, that's probably where it'll be.

5. Have you driven a Ford lately?

No.  I can't think of the last time I drove a Ford.  I've never owned one.  Maybe a truck I drove for work at some point was a Ford?

6. What would you do for a Klondike bar?

Very little because I don't care for them.  Most of them are vanilla, which I don't like, and they're just not my thing in general.  I would do plenty for a good brownie though.

7. Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

I don't think I do.  I like Grey Poupon but even if I get Dijon mustard it's usually generic because I'm poor and only suckers buy the brand unless it's demonstrably better than the generic.  Seriously, buy generic.  Yes, there are some things which are better, but until you know, buy generic.  A lot of the time, (trade secret) the generic is made by the same company that produces the brand name item.  Seriously, this is true.  At my supermarket, the generic ketchup is made by Heinz, the chain buys it in bulk and then packages it as the store brand.  No, I don't mean buy sketchy generics from the dollar store, but if you've got a market you trust, the store brand is usually just as good if not better plus way cheaper.

8. Do you Yahoo?

Does anyone?  Wait, don't answer that.  You shouldn't.  I'm not saying you have to sell your soul to Google, but Yahoo has a very bad track record.

Bonus: Is a picture worth a thousand words? Elaborate.

The right picture is perhaps a substitute for the right thousand words.  But there's a reason we don't scrawl on cave walls with our own feces any more, and it's because language is descriptive in a way that images aren't.  Images are also descriptive in a way language isn't.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  Also, we don't like dying of fecal bacterial infections when appreciating art, to say nothing of the smell.  No, I'm not being serious and yes, I think cave paintings are wonderful. Just that I bet there were words to go along with them which didn't get preserved.

But we should all agree that, "If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you?" is just comically awful as a lyric.  Seriously Bread, get your head out of your ass.  I get what you're trying to say, but if a guy ever said that to me I'd laugh in his face.

Bang the Gong, Get It On

Okay, so we covered all the various permutations of threesomes at least cursorily, let's dive into my favorite sorts of action: the group that contains more than three people.

First off, I don't believe that a gangbang is really a gangbang unless it involves more than two guys.  I know, porn would sometimes have us believe that a gangbang is just two guys taking turns, but come on, that's just a MMF threesome with no DP.  I don't call it an orgy if it only involves four people, either.  I've got nothing against things that aren't gangbangs or orgies, but why devalue the terms.

I've told the story of my birthday gangbang, and frankly I've never had anything which was close to that as far as gangbangs were concerned.  After that many guys only concentrating on you, anything else is going to be small potatoes.  So I don't actively seek three-guy gangbangs, even if I'm happy to have three guys to myself.

I could split hairs.  A gangbang, for me, is one where there's one gal who's the center of the action.  I know that in many gangbang situations, there are other women to help out, but someone has to be the star of the show.  Also, a gangbang should, at its best, be somewhat serial in nature.  If there are only three guys, I can take care of all of them at once if necessary.  I'd like my gangbangs to involve too many guys to handle at once.  The traditionalist in me is even satisfied with one at a time in a line.  Sure, DP is great and sucking a cock while being fucked is great, but I can get that out of other things.  Part of the allure of a gangbang, for me, is that I'm being used by the line at the DMV.  I know many people don't feel that way, and that's totally fine.  And again, my opportunities for gangbangs of any kind have been limited.

I have some experience with three guys.  Sheri and I have been able to scrounge up three guys willing to fuck one or the other of us on a few occasions.  But it's not totally fair to the gal who isn't the center of attention, so on at least some of those occasions, it's wound up just being a general melee and that's totally fine.

When I was in high school, I got as close to organizing my own gangbang as I think I ever have.  Team spirit helps.  My high school didn't have a football team, so that cliche is out, but we had a basketball team and they had a JV squad.  I wasn't a cheerleader; the varsity guys got those.  Frankly, I was more in the league of the chess club.  I know, I seem like I should be Miss Popularity, but I wasn't.  Still, at a party I managed to talk four of the JV-est JVs into going to a quiet room and letting me suck their cocks.  Four is too many cocks for me to handle at once with my mouth, particularly if they're not interested in bumping together.

They were kind of drunk, so they weren't too self-conscious about pulling it out in front of their friends, plus I guess you see that kind of thing in the locker room.  But after a few minutes of round robin on the cock sucking, I said, "Hey, there's a bed; why don't one of you fuck me while I keep going with the other three?"  So the biggest man on campus in the group sat down and I pulled off my panties, let him clumsily paw at my ass for a few moments while pushing up my skirt, then sank down onto him.

He was all like, "Bro, she's so fucking wet right now," and they were all like, "Dude, I want to hit that too."  Or some such nonsense.  "Shit, I'm going to go off in a minute," he gasped right as I was just beginning to feel tingles.  So I hopped off, waggled my ass, gave it a smack, and bent over to suck him off, letting them fight over who was next.  The BMOC nutted in my mouth and I was being railed by another one, bigger and thicker, which made me cum, which made him pull out abruptly and pull my head over to take the shot, which pulled me out of my orgasm, which sucked.  But I just smiled, swallowed, then pulled off my shirt, lay back on the bed, and started fingering myself until one of the others got the hint and mounted me.

He lasted the longest, giving me a nice orgasm without breaking stride, though he did get all big-headed when he could tell he was making me cum.  I think there were high-fives.  He pulled out and the last guy popped in while he stuck his cock in my mouth to get finished off.  I don't know what the last guy was doing because I barely felt anything before he was out and wanting to cum in my mouth too.

And that was that.  They were pleased with themselves and went to go get another drink.  I was pleased with myself and lay there for a while stroking my pussy and wishing they had cum inside me.

And then a random guy and girl, both drunk, stumbled in on my nudity.  He said, "Oh shit, she's in here jerking off," and his girl started drunkenly laughing and saying I was a slut, but then she saw that he was just staring and started getting pissed at him.  He tried not to look, but come on.  The most he was likely to have gotten was a sloppy blowjob, and here was this girl lying on the bed, legs spread, looking well-fucked, who was playing with herself and didn't seem to give a damn what they were doing.  She stormed off.  He looked like he was torn.  I just said, "Room for one more," and licked my fingers, and he was inside me quicker than a cat up a tree.

He was too drunk to control himself, so he came inside me and then said, "Fuck, I've got to go find her," or something slurry, and stumbled off.  And I went back to playing with myself until I had a nice O, then seeing as no one else had stumbled in, I cleaned up a little, put my clothes back together, and left.

Gangbang?  Yeah, I guess so.  Enjoyable?  Sure.  Could have been better, but I really shouldn't complain.

Other than that, I've had a few foursomes with three guys in my life.  I've been triple-teamed by Mike, Uncle Sam, and Dad.  I've been in bigger groups where three guys were paying attention to me at a time.  But as far as actual gangbangs go, it's just a matter of logistics.  When I hit some milestone birthday, maybe I'll get another as a present.  But they're tough to organize.

Okay, that's all for gangbangs, unless you've got questions.  Maybe next, I'll talk about coed groups.

This Sort of Thing

"You're sure you've done this sort of thing before?" he asked me. I was naked on his bed; he was shirtless and sweating from working outside. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Yes, a million times." An exaggeration. Not a million. Probably not even a hundred. And never like this.

"Little lady, I don't think it's a million. I haven't done it a million times, and I've got a good few years on you." Still, he wasn't kicking me out. "You know I'm only interested in one thing," he said after a moment sizing me up, as if he were trying to convince me that it was a bad idea.

"Yes. I'm only interested in that too." I waggled my ass invitingly. "Come on, you know you want to."

He took a bit of further convincing which I'll gloss over, and then he took a few more minutes to get ready, but after what seemed like an eternity, during which I stroked my wet slit hungrily, he was naked in the bed with me. We didn't kiss, and he rebuffed my attempts to touch him. "Only one thing, little lady," he said again, like a warning, although it wasn't stern. Just a reminder.

His cock was as huge as always, and I suffered a moment of self-doubt; was this really a good idea? Sure, I had done this before, but that was all kids stuff compared to this. Would it work? Would he try and I'd just be too tight? I couldn't bear the thought of failure. "Do you think... you could maybe loosen me up a little... before..." I said hesitantly, dreading his response.

He laughed, not a cruel laugh but a kind one. "Little lady, if I don't loosen you up a bit, this ain't gonna happen," he said, still smiling. And he gave me a kiss on the cheek, not sexual, just reassuring. "You think you're the first tight thing I've fucked? Give me some credit. I know I'm ancient now, but back in the day I was very attractive."

He was kidding me now, and I laughed too, a little nervously but mostly relieved. "You're very attractive now," I said, and as I said the last word, I felt his thumb press against my asshole, running around the outside and then popping in. I grunted in spite of myself.

"Now you're just humoring me," he said, patting my butt with his other hand as his thumb probed deeper, his fingers resting on my pubis, not stroking, just sitting there. "I remember my first time like it was yesterday though. Not as pretty as you. I wasn't terribly discriminating when I was young. But tight like you wouldn't believe. I didn't prepare, and it wasn't pleasant, but we got through it." His thumb was completely inside my ass now, the palm of his hand resting on the space between asshole and pussy, fingers tapping lightly just above my clit.

"If it wasn't pleasant, why did you do it?" I was a bit breathless.

His thumb withdrew, and with it the feeling of depth, and I almost sighed with the loss until I felt two fingers probing my butt now; no, it was two thumbs, both left and right, his other hand resting above my ass now. "I wanted to prove something," he said as he widened my anus with his thumbs. It was different than being fingered, like I was being spread in a dimension I hadn't known existed before. There were twinges of pain, but if I flinched he relaxed the pressure for a moment. "Not a good reason. Much better to do it for love, or even pleasure. But I was looking to prove something, to myself, to the world, I don't know." He sighed, and the pressure of his thumbs relaxed slightly. "Hell, I should have never brought it up. We ain't here to psychoanalyze. Let's just say that I've learned from experience that you can't just go fucking away at a tight hole with no howdyedo." And then he spun his hands so they were resting on each cheek, the pressure suddenly coming from a completely different angle now. I gasped. "Like that? You've done this before, but I'm pretty good at it." He laughed again.

I could feel the muscles accommodating the pressure, and once I felt comfortable enough, I said, "I think I'm ready. Do I feel ready to you?"

"Just hungry to get to the good part," he said with a smile. Then he spit, the glob of saliva landing on my tailbone and drooling down into my ass. "Sorry, old habits," he said, withdrawing his thumbs. "We're plenty lubed up already. Don't worry about that, it's just my way." I liked knowing that I was getting the full treatment, liked knowing it was just his way, and I was still thinking about that when I felt the head of his cock press into my ass. It was large, larger than I expected, and I must have shuddered or clenched, because his hand was on my back, holding me in position, and he said, "Relax. Just relax." Maybe that was his way too.

A big cock won't save a bad lover, but there is something about a big cock, particularly being pressed up your butt, that can't be duplicated by a small one. In the hands of experience, the hands of skill, it's like it's inescapable. You know it's coming, you feel the strain as it slowly spreads you apart, but you don't want it to stop, even if it gets uncomfortable. As the shaft grows inside you, slowly but surely, you can't think, you just react. Your body is against you, and you have to strain to relax, which seems like an oxymoron; a tense relaxation. Some people don't like it, and that's fine, but some people do, and I'm one of them. It's perhaps an acquired taste, which is why I wouldn't recommend going with a monster your first time, but eventually, it just feels right as it feels wrong.

He stopped talking once he penetrated me, retreating back into the taciturn nature to which I was accustomed. The first thrust, in slow motion, he didn't try to bottom out; he got as far as seemed wise and held there, feeling my ass spasm on him. And he hadn't lied; he was only interested in one thing. His hands held me in place, but did nothing more, so after a while I reached back and began to stroke my dripping pussy, pace in the bed, panting as he pulled slowly out again, all the way out, then spit directly into my ass this time and pressed back in, a bit harder and a bit farther. He was never in a rush, he was never rough, but he didn't hesitate, even at the moments when it seemed like I was going to split in two.

He didn't seem to notice when I came the first time; it was a weak orgasm because my muscles were straining to contain him. Once I came, though, the pressure released and he was able to work up to the hilt, his balls bobbing against my fingers as they worked on my cunt almost as if on autopilot. He was no longer pulling all the way out, and he was moving more quickly now, small thrusts, withdrawing slightly and then burying himself again in my ass. And I was feeling better about him now, no longer straining, just the slight sensation from taut muscles that perhaps they'd prefer if I weren't taking a giant cock up my ass. I wondered for a moment if he'd switch over to my cunt, where the feelings would be more intense, more pronounced, more enjoyable. But I didn't say anything other than gasps and moans, my face in the blankets.

In the end, I came again, and he noticed this time and seemed to pick up steam. Perhaps that was also his way. It hadn't been long, comparatively speaking; I know he can go for much longer if he wants. But he picked up the tempo as he felt my spasms, and soon he was running almost the full length of his shaft in and out, just the head remaining inside. He popped out once and just pressed back in, an accident but a pleasant one. And then he grunted, "I'm going to fill that ass up," and pressed in, and I could feel the tension in the way he gripped my hips and the hardness of his cock in me, and then he groaned, a loud animal noise, and I knew he was doing as he'd promised. I didn't feel it; I was too overstimulated to feel it as he came into me. But I knew he was.

His cock softened as soon as he'd shot the force of his orgasm, and slipped out of me, and I felt the jizz run down my leg, watery and insubstantial. He'd tried for me. He'd had to work at it. I felt ashamed, in that moment, that I'd asked him, almost forced him, when clearly he would rather not have. I rolled over to look at him. He was smiling. "Little lady, I haven't had an ass that tight in a long while," he said. "Thanks. I might just get my strength back and do it again. There's something to be said for variety." Then he saw my face and frowned. "Did I hurt you? You want to..."

"No, I just thought you didn't like it, that you were forcing yourself."

"Not at all, little lady, not at all," he said, patting my thigh with his big hand. "I said I only wanted one thing, and I got that in spades. You just lie back and feel good. That ass of yours is a treasure."

Catching Up With the Joneses

I remember promising, way back when, that I would have some updates on the cast of characters in my crazy little life. That was probably back in November when I was making promises I couldn't possibly keep. Or keeping promises I should never have made in the first place. Or going crazy. One or more of those.

Anyway, even though it's coming up on Christmas and I'll have a bunch of things to say on that score as well, here's the updates on various persons of interest.

Sveta is finally done with finals and home. Since it's an official leave of absence, she can't spend it all at my place, which is too bad. Still, we have high hopes for Christmas frivolity and joyousness. She's about as tuckered out as I am, poor dear; both our brains were tapioca when I brought her home from college, so very little happened worth reporting, which is why I haven't really reported it.

My parents are my parents. Dad's been working pretty hard too, as has Mom, so we've been seeing less of each other this past month or two. But we've got some time off all together, and looking forward to that. I have a sneaking suspicion that they might celebrate a bit more physically with Sveta and I this year; I have hopes of a three-way pileup on Dad, which isn't unprecedented but is certainly rare.

Mari is doing okay, but we never see her. That makes me a bit sad when I think about it. Still, she said she'd call and talk to us on Christmas for an extended period, since we've all got free long distance now. It makes me wish we had a speaker phone so we could all talk at once. I'm hoping she calls when Sveta is here so they can meet, even if only over the phone.

Sheri is still holding down her high-paying job that makes me hate her just a little bit for always wanting to quit. We had a tiff recently, nothing major but some unpleasant things were said and phones were hung up in a huff and so forth. These things happen. I don't mind admitting I'm jealous of her sometimes, but not because I want her to do poorly, more like I wish I were doing better. Ah well.

She's still fucking her boss, and probably has other bits of fun on the side. I sometimes worry a little bit about how profligate she is with her body, but she hasn't had any problems yet, and I'm hardly one to talk. Maybe I'm a bit jealous of all the action she gets, doing all the things I wish I had the balls to do.

Mike has a job. It's not a good job, but it's a job. He's of course not within easy travel of us, because God or karma has apparently dictated that my family will never be able to be together for the holidays again. Still, I harbor a secret hope that he might make the trip down, if only to take advantage of Sveta being here to get some hot teen lovin' while the getting's good.

I can't believe he doesn't have a steady girlfriend in his new digs, but according to him he doesn't have one. He claims not to have such high standards as I have, but I don't think that's true; I think he has lower standards for sex, but higher for relationships. But then he's never been one to get into long-term relationships at all; he's quite similar to Sheri in that way, except she doesn't even go looking for them, whereas his never work out. He claims he can't find a girl who wants anal. I told him he's not looking hard enough.

I've been invited to Kate's New Year's Eve bash again, with instructions to bring Sveta or Mike or anyone else I know who's fun. I was initially rather skeptical because I didn't really want to deal with the jerks who are Kate's friends again, but Kate said she would make it worth my while if I showed up. Not sure what that means, but it's tempting. We'll have to see on that.

Pam is showing. The last time I saw her, she had this adorable Buddha belly that I just wanted to kiss until my lips wore out. Sadly, it was not in a situation where that would have been okay, so I had to contain myself and whisper my desires in her ear, which made her giggle and blush. Still no word on plans for the future with Kirk, but they're not breaking up anyway, and he hasn't fled for the hills from responsibility. Maybe I'll invite them to Kate's party...

Oh, yeah, Gwen keeps making noises about me going to visit her. I haven't had time to think about it, but Sveta is on the way to Gwen, so I could go visit Sveta (and take advantage of her offer of a threesome with her boy toy) and then keep going to Gwen's. Could be fun, if I can ever get the cash and the time.

Uncle Sam is doing fine too, although we don't expect to see him for a while. Indications were made that perhaps we might see him on his way to somewhere else in February. Dunno. Aunt Jenny is not doing well at all; we're worried about her. We were going to visit, but things went south. Maybe when Uncle Sam shows up, we'll all caravan to see Aunt Jenny. I think she'd like to see us, even if she's doing so poorly that she can't really enjoy it.

And that, said the cat, is that. Unless I've forgotten someone, in which case, let me know and I'll include them. These people, by the way, can all be found in the cast list over there on the right if you have no idea what I'm talking about, or you can click on the labels for most of them to catch up if you're so inclined.

Now, all I have left over from my extended period of business is filling everyone in on the brief moments of fun I had at work. But that'll probably have to wait until after Christmas... and then I probably will just keep on waiting until I forget about it completely.

Outside

"Hey Lex, don't be shy. The sun ain't gonna burn you now."

He was right. Evening was setting in, the cool summer evening you get less and less often the further south you go, smelling of country. Smelling a bit of cow shit too, but no one cuts the grass around here; it's a field, not a yard. So the cow shit was drowned out by the smell of grass growing, not shredded, and breeze blowing in from the hills.

Mari was doing her homework, Sheri and Derdre were out catting around, Mom and Dad were taking the opportunity of free babysitting to have a bit of alone time. Just me and Uncle Sam and Mike, and they were both outside, and I was inside wishing I didn't burn so easy.

"Come on Lexi, bring me a soda." Mike was ordering me around now. But I still brought him a soda anyway, stepped out into the gathering twilight. He was running around trying to catch fireflies, just dark enough that they lit up. Naked as the day he was born, his young body with no more baby fat, now a young man, the kind the Greeks would have worshipped. I saw Uncle Sam looking on with enjoyment, sitting in the grass with his back against a tree, naked too. I knew that Uncle Sam might not ever say anything, but he was enjoying watching his nephew in more ways than as an uncle.

"Sit down next to me, girlie," he said with a grin, and when he shifted to make room, my eyes fetched up on his cock, rock hard. He grinned. "Or maybe you'd like to sit down somewhere else?" He was giving me a hard time. It was the first time we'd visited his house since my first time, and for some reason I was feeling shy around him, in a way I never was before. Before, I had seen him make love with Mom, with Derdre, even with Palmer, and last visit with Sheri. I'd been fascinated then. Now that there was a possibility, it seemed strange somehow.

"Your dad tells me you're officially a woman," he said, not seeming to take offense at my reticence. "Tells me you've taken to it like a mare in heat, in fact."

"I guess so." I was simultaneously feeling like running away and moving closer. The two offset, so I kept standing right where I was, feeling the breeze on my body, looking at Uncle Sam without meeting his eye, feeling my arousal rise. He was right. I had taken to it.

"Come on, girlie, I won't bite," he said finally, with a small laugh. He spoke with a distinct twang that my father has lost, and he had that grin on his face that his younger brother describes as, "Sam's know-it-all grin."

So I sat. I'm not the outdoors type, really, and I'm not one to sit naked on grass under a tree. I worry about creepy crawly things. It's not comfortable. I don't even go barefoot outside most of the time. But I sat down next to him, and we didn't look at one another, just looked out at the gathering evening and Mike bounding through the grass grasping at bugs. During the day, it was crickets, and now that evening was upon us, fireflies. Give him a net and he'd probably hunt butterflies too,

"So you like it?"

"What?" I knew what he meant, even though a period of silence had followed our last conversation, even though he could have meant any number of things. But I wanted him to ask.

"You like your dad's dick." This time it wasn't a question, merely an assumption.

"Yeah." I blushed a little. It was odd; I had no problem talking about it, wasn't shy about it, in fact had given ample proof that I did like my dad's dick on the ride up. I would have even gone so far as to say that I liked Uncle Sam's dick, and I hadn't done anything more than look.

"He's got a piece on him, always has," chuckled Uncle Sam. A bug flew by and he swatted at it. "How about other dicks? You still just on your Daddy?"

I had looked, but not sampled anything but oral. My cunt was still entirely conquered be Dad and Dad alone. Perhaps that's why I was so reticent. I admitted as much.

"I figure you've got lots of time, and there'll be lots of boys who want some of that, so don't go jumping on the first one to offer," he said seriously. "Boys want to cum, that's all. They can do it in their hand just as easy." He grinned. "Come to think of it, I might do that right now, if you don't mind. Feeling a bit riled up, truth be told."

That was new. Mike still had to make do with masturbation, but Dad never went without a pussy to get him off, at least not when one of his girls was sitting right there with nothing else to do. But Uncle Sam just spit on his hand and started rubbing his hard cock, up and down, up and down. I turned all the way around to watch him. "Doesn't Derdre..." I started to ask.

"Your aunt's not in, and Palmer's out of town, and I'm not going to interrupt your sister. I get the feeling she likes the books more than me anyway." He grinned to show he meant no insult.

"What about me?" I blurted out.

"Girlie, you look about ready to jump out of your skin," he said with a kind smile. "I understand. The first few weeks with Derdre, I didn't want any other man looking at her."

"No, no, I just... I'm not used to being outside like this," I lied. Through my teeth. It was screamingly obvious. There were aliens on distant worlds who perked up their ears at that moment and said, for no reason, in their alien language, "Somewhere out there, a girl named Lexi is telling a whopper."

"Don't worry, I've done it many times before and I'll do it many times again," he laughed without acknowledging the planet-sized fib hanging in the air above us. "You do it too. It's no big deal."

"You did it with Sheri."

"Yes, she asked me to. Sheri's not you, and you're not her. If you're asking me to, well then that's different, but I'm not just going to bend you over and stick it to you because you're hinting." His hand on his cock had slowed, but not stopped.

"So I'm asking."

"No, you're telling me you're asking." He grinned that same grin. I could see why Dad hated it. Uncle Sam's a joker, but he's a smart-ass joker. "Ain't asking until you ask."

"If I asked, would you do it?"

"Do what?" That grin. I remember exactly how it looked.

My face flushed red. "Would you make love with me?" My parents didn't mind the word "fuck," but they insisted that what we did was making love. That wasn't always honored, and on more than one occasion the F word slipped out during moments of passion, but if I was asking Uncle Sam, I was asking for him to make love to me. I said with, but who's kidding whom?

"Sheri didn't ask so nice," he said with a laugh. He glanced over at Mike, who was sitting in the grass now, looking at a bug probably. It was still light enough to see, but the sun had gone completely out of the sky. I got the feeling that Uncle Sam would have welcomed Mike asking, and of course I was probably right. "You worried worms will crawl up your butt if we do it here?" He was kidding me again.

"If I get on top, worms will crawl up your butt," I said, with bravado I felt, but not completely. Maybe it would be different with another man. Maybe I was no good. Maybe Uncle Sam really didn't want to fuck me, maybe he wanted to go in and bother Mari instead. Was I his last resort before jerking off into the grass?

"No chance; my butt's too tight for worms," he said, reaching over and giving my ass a squeeze. "We could play it safe though. Are you wet?" And just like that, the conversation switched. A delightful trait of my family, which I have in spades, is the ability to ask questions like that when they need to be asked. What's more, there's something about being direct which makes it all easier. He asked me if I was wet, and I thought about it and then responded that, yes, I was, and all of a sudden it was easy. "The grass is soft on knees; believe me, I know," he said. "That way, it's like nature intended."

And with minimal fanfare, I was on my hands and knees on the grass, and Uncle Sam was behind me. Whether he didn't believe me when I told him I was wet or whether he just wanted to see for himself, he didn't immediately plunge in. I felt his big hands, rough but gentle, stroke my butt, then dip down and run over my pussy, which was definitely wet. Then I heard him spit, the same sound he made as he was preparing to jack off, and then his fingers were probing, and they felt slick with spittle. He spit again, and I looked around and saw him rubbing it all over his cock, and for a second I thought that maybe he was just going to jerk off on me. But then he stopped and shifted over behind me. "I love you, girlie, you know that," he said, not making any move toward penetration. "I was looking forward to this ever since your daddy told me. But it didn't seem like you wanted it."

"I do," I said, truthfully. "I love you too, Uncle Sam." And then I felt his cock against my lips for the first time, and it split me slowly, deliciously, different from Dad's but still so good, a moment of discomfort and then bliss.

He bottomed out in me and left it there, teasing a little but also letting me adjust to him, then he pulled all the way out. "That snatch is so tight, I just have to try it again," he said. "You ready? Can you handle another?"

I giggled without answering, and the emptiness was replaced by the firm fullness, never the same the second time, but keeping the emptiness away.

Mike looked over at us. "Aw man, you guys are doing it and I can't," he said with a groan.

"Wanna watch?" I asked, feeling Uncle Sam shift in and out of me slowly, building tempo. There was an orgasm right behind me, sneaking up on me, an orgasm I'd been dying for all day.

"Nah, I found this cool worm," Mike said. And with that, he ignored us again. Later, after I learned just how lucky I am, that seemed more amusing than it did at the time. Then, I didn't even think it was his loss. I understood that he didn't want to watch something that he couldn't participate in, that he might be a little bored with watching, and got back to feeling the orgasm coming up behind me.

But after Uncle Sam relented and flipped over and let me straddle him, grinning and saying, "I guess we'll have to chance the worms, huh?" I looked over and saw Mike and wished, just a little, that he would come over. I could have sucked him off, or stroked his cock, or something to bring him into the group. But feelings of vague guilt and orgasms don't mix, and I let the vague guilt drift away as I heard, through the fog, Uncle Sam asking me where I wanted it, as if there was even a question. After all, Mike would be old enough very soon.

Once my uncle's semen had been completely drained from him into my waiting receptacle, I lay down on his chest, thankful to feel him under me, not least because it meant that he was on the ground, not me. He gave me a kiss, very chaste considering what we'd just done, considering that his still-hard cock was even now slipping slowly out of my cum-filled pussy. "Love you, girlie," he said. "You're going to make a lot of guys happy, I bet. Just remember, you do the asking, and you do the choosing. Don't just hop onto the first guy you see." Then he grinned. "Unless you see me or your daddy first," he finished.

A Long Trip (Figuratively and Literally)

In the wake of yesterday's TMI, Jim asked me if I'd talk a bit about Uncle Sam. For those of you who haven't gone back through the archives (a daunting task, I know), Uncle Sam made an appearance early on and hasn't been back since because it's a hell of a trip from his house to ours, or vice-versa. Reading over it now, I'm struck by how crappy my writing was back then. Ah well. I've gotten a bit better at this.

Anyway, Uncle Sam lives in BFE with his wife Derdre (DEER-dree, not DUHR-drah, as some people pronounce it) and Palmer, who is Derdre's uncle or something, although I've never been solid on the familial relationship. Not that Sam and Derdre aren't in love or suited for one another, but Sam is definitely bi, and he's married to Derdre partially so no one thinks twice about him and Palmer being together a lot. Because Palmer is my uncle's gay lover. Pretty much gay, although he's been in my ass a few times.

I love them all. Sam's a joker, a few years older than my dad, and in private he's a goof, but in public he's a pillar of the community. Civic-minded, hard-working, and if his neighbors ever found out what he does behind closed doors, it's likely they wouldn't believe it. But he's in a place where people have different values; no one thinks anything of underage fooling around, many people implicitly condone incest if they don't practice it, or they at least turn a blind eye to it, a man marrying a woman many years his junior is nothing much, but there's no such thing as gays. It's weird. Uncle Sam's not quite as free of some of the trappings of his upbringing as Dad is; he didn't get out of his comfort zone, move away, start a new family. But that doesn't make him a bad man at all. He's a sweetheart, albeit a slightly white trash one.

Derdre is only a year or two older than Mari, which makes her really more like a cousin to us than anything else. Plus, she and Sam have an open marriage, obviously, since he and Palmer spend way more time in the sack than he and she do. Still, they love each other in their own way. And she's discreet about her extra-marital activities for the sake of public opinion. And she's a doll. I love hanging around with her; she's the cool aunt that all kids wish they had, I guess.

I previously said that Uncle Sam and I don't have a history of fucking, and that's true, as far as it goes. By that, I mean we've fucked, but so seldom as to be practically non-historical. I think I've been down to visit them twice since I was of an age to be able to participate, and they've been to visit us maybe four, five times. When I was a kid, we saw them a bit more, but now they blow into town travelling from point A to point B (Uncle Sam travels and really thinks nothing of driving up to see us, but it's not usually feasible). And my family travels seldom. We're not happy travelling.

I haven't seen Derdre in years. We talk on the phone sometimes, and she sends me great gifts (which is good because Uncle Sam can't give gifts to save his life; I've gotten totally ridiculous things from him before he let Derdre do the shopping). I have even less of a history with her; she and Sheri always used to go out and paint the town red, but with me, it's been mostly some mutual masturbation while we were watching Palmer stuff his cock into Uncle Sam's ass. Lucky for Uncle Sam, Derdre is a woman who gets off on watching gay guys go at it.

Sheri and Derdre (I never call her Aunt Derdre; it just seems weird to me) shared a guy in the back of a pickup truck once. I'm sorry I missed that. Mike's sorry it wasn't him. When he was still too young to fuck by parental fiat, Derdre gave him a blowjob. See, cool aunt. And of course, I've seen Dad and Uncle Sam team up on Derdre, because unlike Mom she's definitely okay with anal (which helps, I guess, when you're married to a bi guy). And she and Mari get along really well, to that point that I believe they've seen each other solo when none of the rest of the family were around. I'd fully expect Derdre to be Mari's matron of honor if she ever gets married (here's hoping). It makes me a bit jealous, I don't mind admitting, but it's okay. They're not really sexual, although they have had sex. They just are so close in age and Derdre relates to Mari in a way that I don't think any of the rest of us do. I don't know exactly why. That's just the way of things.

Even though I've had plenty of sex at Uncle Sam's place, most of my memories are of him and Palmer, because in the house, they're not shy. I mean, neither is my family, but both Sam and Palmer are outdoors types, and they have a big plot of land with no risk of being seen, so backyard fucking is definitely the order of the day. I got horribly sunburned once during a marathon session where Dad and Uncle Sam had a few beers and then bet each other than they could get me to cum more times without cumming themselves. Dad won, but only just. I was wiped out. That was the last time I was there, I think. And I suffered for it.

Anyway, up to a certain point, I could say with fair certainty that Palmer's cock was the biggest I'd ever had in the back door. Now I'm not totally sure, but he'd still be in the top five. It's only happened a few times, usually when there isn't anyone else around or Sam is too worn out or busy, but while he's pretty much completely gay, Palmer doesn't seem to have a real problem with fucking any ass, including mine. I have it on authority from Derdre (who I trust) that Palmer prefers men because he likes receiving as well as giving, but when he's giving, he only wants anal and doesn't care whose. And he cums like a firehose when he's had a cock in his own ass. But that's true of most guys.

Uncle Sam's house is a lot of fun, and if it were larger (it's tiny) I would totally consider visiting them by myself for a few weeks. Of course, I have no time for that and no money either, but it would be fun as hell. Maybe some day, I'll get to take Sveta there and introduce her around. She'd enjoy it. Derdre would love her; I've told them about her on the phone when they called last, and Derdre promised to send up something cute.

Drunken Revels

Oooh boy, blogging drunk, woo hoo!

Not really that drunk, but certainly I've had a few. Today was the last day of the show so there was a cast party afterward. I steer clear of beer (oh, poetry) but there was hard alcohol to be had, and the stage manager and I cornered a bottle of bourbon between us and sat out on stage and toasted each other. He's a hotty too, that stage manager, little younger than I am, about the same age as my brother. I would never jump him though because he's perfectly happy with his girlfriend, but if that ever changes, I might try my luck. Hope he's not reading this right now.

I am not a cheap drunk, which is why I don't do it often; I just don't have the money. But it wasn't my booze so why the hell not? Then as I was shutting off the lights and getting ready to head home, Glen cornered me and told me we had to talk. I knew what he wanted to talk about and I just wasn't in the mood. I just asked him whether he'd like a goodbye kiss or not. I guess I was drunker than I am now. Or maybe I still am. I don't know; I can type pretty well.

He started talking about something, guilt or his wife or how he wanted to see me again or something, and I just put my hand over his mouth. He shut up pretty easy. It's been my experience that guys would rather have sex now than worry about later. I had his pants down around his ankles and was giving him sloppy drunken head (not my favorite, but it seemed the thing to do at the time) before he realized it. It's probably a good thing there was still a party going on downstairs because by the time I got the condom on him we were both laughing and calling each other dirty names. "Tech Whore" was my favorite; if you don't get it you're not a huge geek and you can die happy, I guess.

He must have been fairly drunk too, I guess to get his courage up for the conversation. Once he was hard and rubbered, he pulled me back up and sat me down beside the light board, lifted my skirt and started rooting around in my panties. He got under my shirt with his other hand and was manhandling my tits. Ordinarily I prefer skilled hands, but we were both a little out of it. It didn't take him long to get my shirt over my head and my panties down around one ankle, and then he tried to penetrate. He missed the first few times, and we were laughing up a storm. Finally he got in, a little abruptly, started thrusting. It was messy.

After he came, inside the condom this time, he slipped out all floppy. I didn't even cum, and he wanted me to clean him up. That's what I hate about drunken sex; it's not considerate. But if I'd been in control I wouldn't have done it differently.

Then I came home. Uncle Sam and Palmer are leaving tomorrow, which is too bad because they're a lot of fun. They let me watch them fucking, which is pretty trippy when you're drunk. Palmer's huge cock looks like it's just pressing through my uncle's ass and down and becoming Sam's penis. When he thrusts, Sam's asshole disappears and his cock bounces and he gasps. So fucking hot. Palmer didn't mind when I came up behind them and started playing around with their ball sacks, then I worked a finger into Palmer's ass and wiggled it around. He laughed at first, but then he got really intent on fucking and it didn't take him long to cum. I was expecting him to just let go in Uncle Sam's ass but Palmer pulled out and sprayed Sam's butt and lower back with thick, ropey semen, seven or eight jets of it.

Sam let me lick it off of his asshole and back and Palmer even let me clean his cock off. While I was doing that Sam, who still had a raging hard-on, turned over and pulled me down onto it. It was just what I needed, reverse cowgirl right up into the top of my pussy. Finally had that fucking O. Uncle Sam kept bouncing me on him until he finally stiffened and was about to pull out, but I leaned back, arched myself a little, and he lost it before he could. There was a lot of cum in him; I guess prostate stimulation does that. I felt full to bursting by the time he was done. Then Palmer wanted to eat the cum out of me, so I just lay back and let his tongue probe my pussy. He's not much in the way of cunnilingus, but it was enough, and with a little help from my fingers I had a nice secondary O.

Hell, it's early yet. I think I'll ask Mom and Uncle Sam if they'll let me watch them say goodbye, and maybe Dad is feeling left out too. I'm buzzed and horny. Usually I'm just horny, so I might as well take advantage.

My Favorite Day

Saturday is fast becoming my favorite day. Last Saturday was so great, and this Saturday was even better because my uncle Sam came to visit and see the play I'm doing with a few of his friends. I would have been psyched about it all week but I didn't even know he was coming until they showed up yesterday.

Sam is my father's older brother, and we don't see him that much at all, once or twice a year. His wife Derdre (pronounced DEER-dree, by the way) is such a doll, but she had to stay home because of her job, which is too bad because we love to see her too. Sam married her late in his life, as it were, and he was robbing the cradle because she's only a few years older than my oldest sister Mari. She's like a cousin more than an aunt, and we love to go shopping, have coffee, pretend we're sophisticated.

But Sam brought his friend Palmer, and when I say friend I guess I should mention that Sam is unabashedly bisexual, so he and Palmer and Derdre have an arrangement: Sam married Derdre, who's Palmer's niece I believe, something like that, and in return Palmer and Sam don't have to go behind someone's back. I'll be honest; I don't know why they bothered with a marriage since it's like all three of them are living together most of the time, but where they live, I guess it's the thing to do. Sam doesn't mind when Derdre brings home a younger man, so I guess they both get their jollies.

I had a performance on Friday so I didn't see much of the two of our guests, or anyone else in fact. When I came back it was pretty late because I stayed out trying to pick up my fuckbuddy for a little romp, but he seemed kind of stand-offish, so I let him stew. Maybe he was feeling guilty, I don't know. So come Saturday morning I was horny as the day is long and hoping that Daddy would see fit to give me an extra long session in the shower.

Uncle Sam and I haven't got a history of lovemaking largely because we don't see him often enough. I know he and my mom have been lovers, but that was before he got married to such a choice piece of tail. And Derdre is, let me tell you, tight little body, gorgeous tits, and very responsive in the sack, or so Uncle Sam has led me to believe. I didn't expect to wake up and find them all in the rec room downstairs fucking.

I found out in bits and pieces that Sam and Palmer had gone down there early to try out a few of the toys (we have some fun ones) and found my mom already trying one, so they offered to help and that was that. My mom's never been one to turn down my uncle, and since Palmer was more interested in Sam, she didn't have to worry about paying attention to two. Then my father found the three of them, my mother under Sam and Palmer behind, and didn't want to break up a good thing. They didn't expect me up, so when I walked in they almost stopped and went to have breakfast.

I wasn't having any of that. My mom looked like she needed a break, since my dad and Sam had been taking turns rotating between her mouth and pussy, so I told Sam to see to Palmer, who was getting lonely, and pulled my mom off my dad before taking her place riding him. There are few things I like better than being fucked while watching another couple, and gay sex is something I don't get to see every day. Palmer has a big old cock too, and my uncle seemed to have a little trouble taking the whole thing; it must have been clear up in his intestines by the time Palmer bottomed out.

Uncle Sam was letting Mom suck him while Palmer had his way with his rear end, but she took one look at me, bouncing on Dad's upthrust erection, and whispered something into the two's ears, and Uncle Sam got a very pleased look on his face. I wouldn't have thought it would be possible, but he and Palmer managed to crawl over to me and Dad without stopping their fucking, and then Uncle Sam pushed me down onto Dad's chest, lubed my butt up with some spit, and pressed into my anus. That early in the morning I imagine it was pretty tight, at least it felt that way. I came almost immediately, and that drove Uncle Sam over the edge too, and with one thrust he buried himself in my ass and painted my foyer.

By the time I stopped panting Dad had filled my other side too, and I guess Palmer had finished up behind Uncle Sam because he was sitting on one side watching us. Mom didn't want anything to do with dicks that had been in assholes, so I cleaned Uncle Sam, Sam cleaned Palmer, and Mom did Dad. Then we all needed breakfast. God it was good to get my ass filled with hot cum. Made me feel like a million dollars.

After breakfast Uncle Sam asked my dad, all gentlemanly-like if he would mind sharing his wife again. Dad gave Uncle Sam a look and said that it was up to his wife, but since Mom was already upstairs taking a shower, Uncle Sam decided he would just surprise her. Dad, Palmer, and I had some small talk, which might seem odd to other people since we were all sitting around the table naked. Then I reached under the table and started stroking Daddy, and pretty soon he laughed to Palmer and said that his daughter was incorrigible, and would he please excuse her.

I ducked under the table and started sucking until Dad said to me that he was sure Palmer would enjoy a show, and Palmer said that that would suit him just fine. So we adjourned to the rec room. I wasn't sure whether Palmer was interested in joining in, but his cock certainly was hard and he was stroking it as he watched me go down on my daddy. Finally he came up behind me and stuck his cock up against my ass, which was still not limbered up yet since Uncle Sam had only penetrated me once before he came. And Palmer's cock is thick too. I got a little nervous.

Dad was talking to Palmer the whole time, and said that he understood that Palmer was only interested in men's asses. Palmer said that unless Dad was volunteering, my cute little butt would have to do. Dad just laughed and said something about any port in a storm. Around about that time Palmer started pushing into my ass.

Unless you've been anally penetrated it's hard to describe the difference between a tight fit and a really tight fit. Palmer was a really tight fit. I just had to try to relax and let him it; it's like constipation, but usually much more pleasant. I know that many women (and guys too for that matter) don't like anal, and I'll admit that it's a feeling you have to get used to, but even when it's so tight you think you're going to bust open, I still love it.

For all that Dad says he's not into exhibitionism, both being watched getting head and watching his daughter get rammed really got him off, and he came in my mouth. I wasn't expecting it, because I was still concentrating on not clenching my butt, and I regret to say that some of Dad's spunk wound up somewhere else than my tummy. Ah well. He sat back to watch as Palmer slowly but surely worked his mammoth hog into my butt hole.

Palmer wasn't harsh at all, and even though I could have stood with a little more lubrication, he didn't just grab my hips and go to town. I can understand why my uncle loves him. Once he was completely inside, or at least as far in as I think I could have taken, he pulled back a little and then pushed harder, and I took even more. The tip of a cock inside your butt tickles you sometimes, and his tickled me and I couldn't stop myself from clenching. I think he was afraid he'd hurt me and pulled out completely when I screamed.

I quickly motioned him back behind me, and he slowly worked his way in again. I fought the tickle for all I was worth, but when his hairy balls smacked against my pussy lips, I couldn't help clenching again. This time he just rode it, used it as an opening and thrust. He kept the tickle up, and pretty soon I could feel it rushing through me and I had a magnificent O. I realized I was going over the top and called Dad over, and he reached down and started diddling me, then when the spasms started he worked his finger into my cunt and pressed back against my ass. It's making me moist just to think about it.

The orgasm loosened me up quite a bit, like cumming from anal always does, and Palmer was able to start gingerly fucking me. Dad had his cock in my mouth again and when he came a second time, I'm proud to say that it was straight down my throat. I managed one more weak O (I was exhausted by this point) from the rear penetration, then I collapsed with just my butt in the air and let Palmer do his business. Talk about stamina; it must be hard for Uncle Sam. Actually, later on he told me that Palmer has trouble cumming from just anal; he needs stimulation in his own ass so Uncle Sam usually finishes him off with a blow job. I wasn't about to let Palmer get away without cumming in my ass though, and finally, after I thought I was going to pass out, he did.

Even after cumming once before (or maybe more, I don't know what he'd done earlier) he still gave me four hard blasts which, in any other circumstance, would have been enough to send me over the edge too. My ass was leaking his semen until I took a shit, and let me tell you, it was the easiest shit I think I've ever taken.

Then I took a nap before work.