So it's another work story. Not that I work in such a slutty place or anything, just that it's the only reason I leave the house at the moment.
One of the perks of my job is that I currently work at a theater where they do things other than theatre (notice how pretentious my spelling is?). So I get to watch dance and concerts and so forth. This evening, there was a rehearsal for a concert coming up in a few days, which meant that I basically sat around and got paid. I am totally fine with this.
But one of the musicians was this woman whom I wouldn't normally find attractive at all. She was a nice-looking woman, but she was definitely too old for me. Possibly even as old as my mother. I love my mother, but in women I tend to skew young. Not always, but even when I lust after someone who's older than I am, it's usually someone who looks younger and isn't much older than I am. I know, I'm a terrible person, but it's just the way my attractions go.
To keep from having to refer to her as "the musician who is older than I usually find attractive," let's call her Jen (as a side note, I've never gotten into the whole "anonymize people by just using their first initial" thing because I like names rather than letters and also because it's not anonymous enough, so while I do try to pick names which I think fit the person, don't expect them to be close to their actual names; Sveta is not Russian, for example). Jen has long gray hair, she plays a woodwind, she's curvy in a way which is fairly attractive, and she has these sad, beautiful eyes. I've seen her smile but her eyes still look like pools of sorrow. But beautiful sorrow. And that's what initially made me notice her. I didn't lust after her because of her eyes, but they were pretty eye-catching.
Anyway, rehearsal is over, she's packing up, and I ask her if I could close up or something along those lines. Not hurrying her along, but hurrying her along. It was getting late and I wanted to lock up. She smiled with those sad eyes and said no thank you, then she looked at me and said something which... let me back up.
I've been feeling pretty lousy lately. There's been a marked drop off in quantity of posting around here, as you might have noticed, and that's because I've been in a slump. I'm a depressive. I get this way. Eventually I'll probably pull out of it. But anyway, I've been holding on to sanity by my fingernails some days.
So she looked at me, and said, with these sad eyes and this very nice tone, "You really are a beautiful young woman, you know that?" We'd spoken previously in the evening, so it wasn't out of the blue, but we certainly hadn't spoken on the subject of my being beautiful. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She didn't mean it sexually, she was just saying it to be nice I think, but I really needed to hear that from someone I guess because I practically burst into tears.
She thought she'd said something wrong. She was apologizing and saying that she didn't mean anything by it and so forth, and I managed to pull myself together and tell her it was okay, that it was very nice of her to say and that I was just having one of those days. And then we started talking. Everyone else left and we were still talking. I don't remember half of the conversation. It wasn't important. She was a good listener, but I also learned that she was a lesbian because that all came up in the whole, "Being queer around here is difficult," phase of the conversation.
And then she somehow managed to get me to talk about my medical difficulties and I was breaking down again and I found myself being held by this woman whom I didn't really know. It was nice. And then, well, it was so nice that I kissed her. I don't know if I intended it to be a come-on; I was just overloaded.
She pulled back a little. "I hope I'm not giving you the wrong idea," she said, and I was kicking myself inwardly because clearly she wasn't at all interested in me and what the fuck was I doing and shame spiral and so forth. "I don't want to take advantage of you in a fragile situation. I'm sorry if I was out of line complimenting you earlier. I just... you are a beautiful young woman and it made me happy to look at you, I guess."
Nope. She was apologizing for leading me on because she thought she was leading me in a direction I didn't want to go. Oh Jen, you are adorably wrong about that.
"You're not taking advantage of me," I said.
"Oh." Her eyes were limpid pools. Seriously, I wish I could share a picture without compromising identities, because they were beautiful sad eyes. Then she leaned back in and kissed me back.
And things got a bit more heated. I love women who aren't afraid to kiss me. I find that plenty of women, even if they're curious, are terrified to kiss another woman. Jen was not scared of me at all. "We really shouldn't do this," she said after a moment of increasingly passionate kissing. "I feel like I'm taking advantage of you."
I also love that she wasn't saying, "We shouldn't do
this, it's forbidden." Porn is so much more boring than real life
sometimes. It clearly wasn't something she was shying away from because
she was trying desperately to repress her forbidden urges or some such
nonsense.
"I promise, you're not." This carried some weight because I was unbuttoning her blouse as I said it. But then I had a bit of clarity. "But we shouldn't do this here. Someone might come in and that would be awkward."
We moved off the front of the stage in front of God and everyone to a more secluded location. We didn't go hide in another room because I was pretty sure we were the last people there, but no point in taking chances. And then I proved just how not-taken-advantage-of I was by slowly undressing her. Jen's body is different than I'm used to, I have to admit. Definite signs of aging, and she's not exactly in shape. But honestly, I didn't care and still don't. She was definitely not wearing "gonna fuck tonight" underwear: her bra was built for comfort, not speed. But you know what? The hell with speed. Women should be allowed to be comfortable even if they're gonna fuck tonight.
Her skin was very soft, and she smelled of baby powder, which I find incredibly arousing actually. And her breasts, once I got the bra off, were worth the effort. Whatever she does to maintain them, it works. They're large, with a little droop, but the nipples are still perky and very sensitive, as I found when she started moaning softly as I circled one with my tongue. When I started sucking on it, she arched her back a little and held my hand in hers and squeezed it.
What was she keeping under her skirt? I had to know. Turns out her panties were likewise sensible but still cute, plain white cotton (which I also find arousing), not granny panties at all. And the best part was that the fabric covering her pussy was drenched already.
I didn't waste much time getting those off, spreading her legs, and there was her pussy. A light fuzz of gray was the only thing giving away that this pussy had probably seen a few miles. Jen is fairly dark complexioned and the lips were tan, but they were cute little lips and just dripping wet. I dove in. I couldn't wait. She had both of my hands in hers, our fingers knitted together, so I couldn't do anything but use my tongue. She had very little taste, just the smell of baby powder I already mentioned, a little sweat but not stink, and a hint of the usual vaginal tastes. And she was responsive. I ran my tongue up over the slit and lingered a moment on the clit and she spread her legs wider and practically forced her vulva up into my mouth.
She was fun to eat out. Doing it hands-free, at least to start, was a novelty (which I think I'm going to incorporate into my repertoire with Sveta, although I know my girl will take some fingers to really get going). And I could look up and see those beautiful sad eyes look down at me while I worked her up until she gasped, "Oh Lexi, I'm so close, please make me cum!" Like she needed to ask my permission. She freed my hands and I put my fingers to work, and when that happened she was pulling me up again, pulled off my shirt, pulling me into an embrace with my fingers inside her.
We ground into each other, kissing, embracing, both hungry for skin to skin contact, until finally my fingers hit a sweet spot and she moaned weakly and buried her head in my neck, whispering, "Right there, don't stop!" Finally after she held me about as close as was possible without somehow merging bodies, she started breathing again, sighed, and relaxed a little, then smiled with those sad eyes and said, "Do you know how long it's been?"
No, I did not, so I got a bit of her life. It isn't easy being a lesbian in this town. There's one gay bar for gay guys in the area and if you want anything else you've got to go to the nearest big city, which is hours. And she's too old for online dating. So she's very lonely.
We talked and it was my turn to listen and I was happy to do so. We just held each other, me half-naked, her totally naked, and cuddled and talked. And then I finally said, "Well, if it's been so long, I can't let it go at just one."
"First I want to see that beautiful body without those bulky clothes on," she said, smiling. It was a little strange, being in the position of being the junior member of a same-sex duo. Usually I'm the experienced one. And who knows, maybe I was more experienced than Jen was in the bedroom, but she was definitely playing the role I usually play in these sorts of relationships. And I enjoyed that as a novelty too. I think I may like being the "older sister" more, but it reminded me of Mari, who was always the older sister in our relationship.
I wish to add that my clothes weren't bulky. I too wasn't wearing "gonna fuck tonight" underwear, or even clothes. Just my usual work attire. The shirt was already off, the pants came off too, and then I let her kiss me and take my bra and panties off, then after she'd enjoyed herself with my breasts a little she leaned back and said, "Lexi, you really are beautiful." It almost made me cry again, but I held it together. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here; I don't think I'm beautiful most days. Particularly not now. But she was enjoying herself. "Lie back. I want to taste that cute little flower."
I let her spread my legs and kiss gently up my thighs, teasing her way between until her breath was hot against my cunt. "I'm probably not going to be able to cum," I told her apologetically.
"I like a challenge," she said, looking up at me with those beautiful sad eyes. I could keep hitting the thesaurus for synonyms for beautiful and sad, but that's what they were. And then she slid two fingers deftly into me and started doing something inside me which was very, very pleasant indeed. After a moment she pulled her fingers out and sucked them into her mouth. "I'd almost forgotten what a girl your age tastes like," she said with a smile, then slid in again and kept doing whatever she was doing. I'm no slouch when it comes to pussy manipulation, but she was doing some move I couldn't quite place. There was "come-hither" motions, but a little twisting as well, and it got me to the point of painful arousal quicker than I expected.
"Am I hurting you?" she asked, looking worried. I guess I winced or something in between panting for more.
"God, please don't stop," I begged her. It hurt. Not going to lie. But it also felt incredible. I tried to relax, to put the pain behind the wall of pleasure, and it sort of worked until she started licking my clit and I came, harder than I have in a while, which set off all the savage pains that a softer orgasm usually avoids and snapped me right back out of it. I got one or two hard waves before I realized I was moaning rather more loudly than I meant to and she was apologizing and wrapping me up in her arms.
After I managed to assure her that it wasn't her fault and that I wasn't dying and was in fact incredibly impressed with her technique, we snuggled again briefly before snuggling turned to kissing turned to my fingers sliding into her again and then I tried my best to match her technique, with some helpful pointers. She wasn't as turned on to start so we could even discuss a few of the finer points, and you'd better believe I'm going to add some things to my arsenal. Eventually though I got her worked up again and she made it clear that she was totally ready for me to suck on her clit until it broke off if necessary, so I did that, smelling that baby powder and woman smell which was super arousing, until with my tongue and lips and fingers I managed to get a long, tense moan out of her, then I sped up until she gasped and said, "Oh fuck," in a surprised tone and tightened down on my fingers until I was afraid I'd lose circulation. "The clit, fuck, the clit," she gasped, and I kept hitting her clit hard, trying to keep her cumming as long as I could, until finally she relaxed and pulled me up into her arms again.
We kissed, and then we realized that we'd probably been going at it for so long that it was no longer just a little late. So we had to say goodbye. She gave me her number, "Not to hook up, just in case you need someone to talk to," and then we both left and went our separate ways. And while I believe she's local, I have no idea if I'll ever see her again. We were both pretty clear that we weren't looking for this to be a long-term thing. I think we both just needed it. Needed sex, needed love, needed to be told we were beautiful, needed to cry, whatever it was.
Sometimes I wish that my mother were open to making love with me. Most of the time, I'm fine with it, but sometimes I wish. Maybe that's all this was. Or maybe not. I don't know. I can still see Jen's eyes. The rest of her was pretty, but her eyes were beautiful. I wonder if she'll remember me at all.
Friday, October 21, 2016
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
TMI Tuesday
From the archives.
1. Have you ever had an orgasm at work? How? Tell us the circumstances.
All the time. I've talked about a lot of them. I mean, I've fucked in nearly every place I've worked, and until recently that meant cumming.
If we're talking about having an orgasm while sitting at a desk surrounded by coworkers or something, yes, I've done that too. I was horny as hell and it was a long day, and I kept tensing and relaxing and pressing my legs together, and eventually before I really realized it I came. It was a small O, just a little taste of the roller coaster, and fortunately no one was looking at me; too busy doing work. I didn't scream or anything, I just shivered and tensed and relaxed and then had to go to the ladies room to make sure I didn't wet myself.
2. Do you ever fantasize about your significant other while you are at work?
All the time. If I'm not eyebanging someone else and I'm thinking about sex, I can pull up the archives and have all sorts of sexy nudes of Sveta at my disposal. But also other sexy nudes of other lovers. And recollections. I've come up with plenty of blog posts that way.
3. How old was the oldest person with whom you’ve had sex.
I told this story ages ago. I think he was in his seventies. Other than that, I've had plenty of guys who were older, and I don't conduct a census, so it would be hard to say, but that was definitely the biggest age difference, given how young I was at the time.
4. Have you ever fallen asleep during sex?
No. I've had sex which was boring, but I don't drop off at the drop of a hat. I've fallen asleep and then woken up having sex, and I've fallen asleep right after sex to the point that we woke up still in the position we left off in, but never during, that I can recall.
5. Have you ever cross-dressed or worn undergarments of the opposite sex?
For girls, this is a harder question. I wear men's clothes all the time, but that's largely because in my line of work (one of them anyway) I wear clothes that are built for comfort, not style, and it's harder to find appropriate work attire in my size in the women's section. I wear boxer shorts all the time, although not out and about under clothing. It's not a terribly sexy thing for me to wear pants. I just do sometimes.
Bonus: You have the power to banish one person from earth, who would you banish?
So many options. I won't answer this because I don't feel like talking politics, so take that to mean whatever you want.
1. Have you ever had an orgasm at work? How? Tell us the circumstances.
All the time. I've talked about a lot of them. I mean, I've fucked in nearly every place I've worked, and until recently that meant cumming.
If we're talking about having an orgasm while sitting at a desk surrounded by coworkers or something, yes, I've done that too. I was horny as hell and it was a long day, and I kept tensing and relaxing and pressing my legs together, and eventually before I really realized it I came. It was a small O, just a little taste of the roller coaster, and fortunately no one was looking at me; too busy doing work. I didn't scream or anything, I just shivered and tensed and relaxed and then had to go to the ladies room to make sure I didn't wet myself.
2. Do you ever fantasize about your significant other while you are at work?
All the time. If I'm not eyebanging someone else and I'm thinking about sex, I can pull up the archives and have all sorts of sexy nudes of Sveta at my disposal. But also other sexy nudes of other lovers. And recollections. I've come up with plenty of blog posts that way.
3. How old was the oldest person with whom you’ve had sex.
I told this story ages ago. I think he was in his seventies. Other than that, I've had plenty of guys who were older, and I don't conduct a census, so it would be hard to say, but that was definitely the biggest age difference, given how young I was at the time.
4. Have you ever fallen asleep during sex?
No. I've had sex which was boring, but I don't drop off at the drop of a hat. I've fallen asleep and then woken up having sex, and I've fallen asleep right after sex to the point that we woke up still in the position we left off in, but never during, that I can recall.
5. Have you ever cross-dressed or worn undergarments of the opposite sex?
For girls, this is a harder question. I wear men's clothes all the time, but that's largely because in my line of work (one of them anyway) I wear clothes that are built for comfort, not style, and it's harder to find appropriate work attire in my size in the women's section. I wear boxer shorts all the time, although not out and about under clothing. It's not a terribly sexy thing for me to wear pants. I just do sometimes.
Bonus: You have the power to banish one person from earth, who would you banish?
So many options. I won't answer this because I don't feel like talking politics, so take that to mean whatever you want.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
TMI Tuesday
From the archives.
1. Do you believe in ESP (extrasensory perception)? Do you have those abilities?
I'm agnostic. Do I think it's likely? No. Is it possible? Sure. I'm willing to believe that there are human senses which are, as yet, undocumented by science. Do I think it's magic? No. Do I have these powers? I've never noticed it.
2. Do you laugh when someone tickles you?
God yes. Sveta tickles me mercilessly sometimes, but she'd better watch out because she's more ticklish than I am.
3. Do you like teamwork?
Yes and no. Yes, I like people getting together to accomplish something. That's what I love about theatre. But I don't believe in the bullshit kind which managers try to promote with pointless buzzwords and meetings and so forth. And I hated group projects in school. There are some things which must be done as a team, some which can be, and some which shouldn't be.
4. What one thing can you do today to feel you have been productive? Will you do it?
Get up and do something other than things I want to do. Leave the house. Go to work. Write something that isn't meaningless fluff. Practice something I'm learning. Really, any of those things, because in my current state, just getting up can be a victory. I don't want to sound over-dramatic; I have a limited stock of energy and simply waking up can deplete quite a bit of it. I don't sleep well and I'm always tired. So usually all I want to do in a day is fuck around doing basically nothing. If I can resist that urge, I'm being more productive than I would have been and that's a win for that day's column.
Wow, that got a bit dark.
5. Finish this phrase: “Hell hath no fury like … ”
A woman scorned? I don't believe it, but that's the quote so it's all I can think about when I see it.
I don't know. Maybe, "...a cat when you pull its tail." First thing that came to me. Not a great answer.
Bonus: Pick one – Sex:
1. wild or mild
Depends on the mood and the person. Some people are great at wild sex. Some aren't, but can be equally enjoyable if they go with their strengths.
2. day or night
Probably night, just because that's when I'm more awake and that's when I seem to have more of it. But I'm not turning down day sex if offered.
3. top or bottom
I'm a bit more of a bottom. I like missionary more than I like riding, and I'm a bit more submissive than I am dominant, although that can change in the right circumstances.
4. weekly or monthly
Daily please.
5. noisy or silent
Again, there are joys in both. Noisy, shake down the house sex is great if it's warranted. I don't believe in being noisy just for the sake of being noisy. But silent, furtive sex is also great. I guess I'm typically in the middle if the situation isn't calling for silence: I make some noise but nothing that will wake the neighbors. I do appreciate the strong silent type in guys. Sorry guys, but you can make some pretty funny noises if you're trying too hard.
1. Do you believe in ESP (extrasensory perception)? Do you have those abilities?
I'm agnostic. Do I think it's likely? No. Is it possible? Sure. I'm willing to believe that there are human senses which are, as yet, undocumented by science. Do I think it's magic? No. Do I have these powers? I've never noticed it.
2. Do you laugh when someone tickles you?
God yes. Sveta tickles me mercilessly sometimes, but she'd better watch out because she's more ticklish than I am.
3. Do you like teamwork?
Yes and no. Yes, I like people getting together to accomplish something. That's what I love about theatre. But I don't believe in the bullshit kind which managers try to promote with pointless buzzwords and meetings and so forth. And I hated group projects in school. There are some things which must be done as a team, some which can be, and some which shouldn't be.
4. What one thing can you do today to feel you have been productive? Will you do it?
Get up and do something other than things I want to do. Leave the house. Go to work. Write something that isn't meaningless fluff. Practice something I'm learning. Really, any of those things, because in my current state, just getting up can be a victory. I don't want to sound over-dramatic; I have a limited stock of energy and simply waking up can deplete quite a bit of it. I don't sleep well and I'm always tired. So usually all I want to do in a day is fuck around doing basically nothing. If I can resist that urge, I'm being more productive than I would have been and that's a win for that day's column.
Wow, that got a bit dark.
5. Finish this phrase: “Hell hath no fury like … ”
A woman scorned? I don't believe it, but that's the quote so it's all I can think about when I see it.
I don't know. Maybe, "...a cat when you pull its tail." First thing that came to me. Not a great answer.
Bonus: Pick one – Sex:
1. wild or mild
Depends on the mood and the person. Some people are great at wild sex. Some aren't, but can be equally enjoyable if they go with their strengths.
2. day or night
Probably night, just because that's when I'm more awake and that's when I seem to have more of it. But I'm not turning down day sex if offered.
3. top or bottom
I'm a bit more of a bottom. I like missionary more than I like riding, and I'm a bit more submissive than I am dominant, although that can change in the right circumstances.
4. weekly or monthly
Daily please.
5. noisy or silent
Again, there are joys in both. Noisy, shake down the house sex is great if it's warranted. I don't believe in being noisy just for the sake of being noisy. But silent, furtive sex is also great. I guess I'm typically in the middle if the situation isn't calling for silence: I make some noise but nothing that will wake the neighbors. I do appreciate the strong silent type in guys. Sorry guys, but you can make some pretty funny noises if you're trying too hard.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Poll
I've got this one going on Twitter too, but if you're not on Twitter or are lazy, feel free to answer here.
For the gentlemen: before you saw your first naked woman and found out the reality of the situation, where did you believe the vagina was located?
1) Exactly where it wound up being located
2) Higher on the belly than it actually is
3) Where the asshole actually is
4) Some other location
I ask because I read an article by a man saying that he spent his youth thinking the pussy was somewhere else, but he didn't specify. I'm just curious what the kids these days think. Also, ladies, if you happen to be able to answer this informal poll with a response other than, "Duh, I could look at my own," please chime in. I'm genuinely curious where people think the pussy actually is. There's no right or wrong answer, and I know you all know where it is now. We're talking young and dumb.
If you answer on Twitter or here, give specifics. I'm not going to shame you, I promise. I was young and dumb too.
For the gentlemen: before you saw your first naked woman and found out the reality of the situation, where did you believe the vagina was located?
1) Exactly where it wound up being located
2) Higher on the belly than it actually is
3) Where the asshole actually is
4) Some other location
I ask because I read an article by a man saying that he spent his youth thinking the pussy was somewhere else, but he didn't specify. I'm just curious what the kids these days think. Also, ladies, if you happen to be able to answer this informal poll with a response other than, "Duh, I could look at my own," please chime in. I'm genuinely curious where people think the pussy actually is. There's no right or wrong answer, and I know you all know where it is now. We're talking young and dumb.
If you answer on Twitter or here, give specifics. I'm not going to shame you, I promise. I was young and dumb too.
Hello
I'm so sorry about this. I couldn't help myself. I don't know what came over me. And I know it's not exactly a new reference, but I heard it today and it practically wrote itself.
To the tune of Hello by Adele:
Hello.
It's me.
You've been at it for so long I think I almost fell asleep.
It's okay.
You can cream.
Don't get me wrong; I love that cock but now my insides need some healing.
Hello.
Can you hear me?
I've been screaming in your ear so maybe all you get is ringing.
If I were younger,
Maybe.
But I've forgotten how it feels not to have ears beside my feet.
There's lots of different ways to get off
And my pussy's tired.
Hello, lick my insides!
You've got a cock a mile wide,
And I'm sorry, but it's only making me numb,
And I think you might try using that tongue.
Hello, get between my thighs!
You'll like it if you only try!
Just give me some head and maybe we can restart,
But that cock of yours just really tears me apart at the mo'.
Hello.
How are you?
I'm enjoying it a lot and you're still hard, I know it's true.
I came twice.
That's swell.
Now I think you need rewards because you made all that shit happen.
It's no secret that the both of us
Are up for one more time.
Hello from the other side!
Lube it up, don't do it dry!
'Cause the thought of anal is really making me hum
And I'll drain those balls of every drop of your cum.
Hello to my backside!
I'll make you groan a thousand times.
Spread those cheeks and press it in to the heart.
Don't be shy, you aren't gonna tear me apart in that hole.
Oooooh, in that hole.
Oh, do it in that hole.
Yeah, baby, in that hole.
In that hole.
Hello, now you're inside!
I took it all, I really tried
To stuff you so far up inside of my bum
That I'll sneeze your jism every time that you cum.
Hello from the bedside!
That was quite a wild ride!
Now the semen's dripping every time that I fart,
And if we go once more, you might tear me apart. Maybe no.
To the tune of Hello by Adele:
Hello.
It's me.
You've been at it for so long I think I almost fell asleep.
It's okay.
You can cream.
Don't get me wrong; I love that cock but now my insides need some healing.
Hello.
Can you hear me?
I've been screaming in your ear so maybe all you get is ringing.
If I were younger,
Maybe.
But I've forgotten how it feels not to have ears beside my feet.
There's lots of different ways to get off
And my pussy's tired.
Hello, lick my insides!
You've got a cock a mile wide,
And I'm sorry, but it's only making me numb,
And I think you might try using that tongue.
Hello, get between my thighs!
You'll like it if you only try!
Just give me some head and maybe we can restart,
But that cock of yours just really tears me apart at the mo'.
Hello.
How are you?
I'm enjoying it a lot and you're still hard, I know it's true.
I came twice.
That's swell.
Now I think you need rewards because you made all that shit happen.
It's no secret that the both of us
Are up for one more time.
Hello from the other side!
Lube it up, don't do it dry!
'Cause the thought of anal is really making me hum
And I'll drain those balls of every drop of your cum.
Hello to my backside!
I'll make you groan a thousand times.
Spread those cheeks and press it in to the heart.
Don't be shy, you aren't gonna tear me apart in that hole.
Oooooh, in that hole.
Oh, do it in that hole.
Yeah, baby, in that hole.
In that hole.
Hello, now you're inside!
I took it all, I really tried
To stuff you so far up inside of my bum
That I'll sneeze your jism every time that you cum.
Hello from the bedside!
That was quite a wild ride!
Now the semen's dripping every time that I fart,
And if we go once more, you might tear me apart. Maybe no.
Random Sunday
I'm not on Facebook (that you know about anyway) so since this stupid thing is making the rounds and I can't play along, I figured hey, why not share here? And since it's not Facebook, I can do whatever I want with it.
Tattoos - 0
I'm not against them, I'm just scared of them. I've considered it.
Also, the original has it as "tatoo's" because people on Facebook are idiots. There, I fixed it for you.
Piercings - 2
Each ear counts as one, right? I got my ears done because it was the thing to do, but when I was growing up it wasn't really a normalized thing to pierce a lot of other things. I suppose in my rebellious phases I might have tried it, but it just never happened. It doesn't help that I'm scared of needles. I know, piercing isn't needles, but it's the part of needles that I'm scared of.
Marriages - 0
I don't plan on needing to do more than put a check mark in this column. But man plans, God laughs. Also, a man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
Divorces - 0
I'd love to be able to break people's brains here and say that while I've never been married, I've been divorced 17 times. But it seems like, for logical reasons, your number of divorces must be no more than your number of marriages and no less than your number of marriages minus one.
Because I'm a math geek:
Let M be number of marriages.
Let D be number of divorces.
M >= D >= M-1
Please tell me how I can make this invariant untrue, because I'd be interested to know.
Children - 0
We all know my feelings about this one.
Surgeries - 0
I've been to the hospital a few times, but never for surgery.
Been to Jail - no
I don't know that I've ever done anything which would have put me in danger of going to jail, actually, other than sex things. White privilege here.
Shot a gun - no
I'd try it. I've shot BB guns and bows, but never a firearm.
Quit a job - yes
Several times, in fact.
Got fired - yes
Only the once. It was unpleasant. Not something I'd recommend.
Flown on a plane - no
I don't believe in Bernoulli. I think all you people who fly are participating in some kind of mass delusion. So I stay off planes for your safety, so my lack of belief doesn't cause the plane to fail.
Gone over 100 miles in a car - Yes
Regularly.
Drove over 100mph in a car - Yes
Pretty sure I've done this a few times. I went driving with a guy who was dead-set on trying to impress me with his driving skills. We did 100, did a bootlegger turn, a number of other things. Which would seem like fun, except it was terrifying and I wasn't impressed with it.
Hit a deer - yes
Not while I was driving though. You can probably hear that knocking sound as I slam my knuckles through my desk in an effort to ward off bad juju.
Gone zip lining - no
I'm not such a big fan of heights.
Cried over someone - Yes
More than once.
Fell in love - yes
More than once.
Skipped school - yes
I don't know if I've ever cut out of school after having gone there, but that probably happened too.
Watched someone give birth - no
It's a miracle of life, but it also sounds terrifying.
Watched someone die - no
I shot that guy in Reno, but he wound up surviving. I felt robbed.
Been to Canada - no
Never been much of a traveler for travel's sake.
Ridden in an ambulance - sort of
I wound up not riding in the ambulance they sent once because it would have cost a lot of money and I was in stable enough condition that someone was able to just drive me to the hospital.
Been to Hawaii - no
Never been on a plane, so if I said yes here it would mean that I'd pulled a Thor Heyerdahl and made the crossing in a primitive outrigger or something. I guess I could swim, but I'd have to get to the West Coast first, and then I'd drown. Do they take cruise ships to Hawaii? I don't even know. I'd love to go if it were next door, but as a destination, it's pretty far for me.
Been to Europe - no
This time I took a torpedo. I actually thought about taking a ship to Europe at one point but money and so forth.
Been to Washington D.C. - yes
I grew up close enough to DC that this isn't really a big deal. I remember we did a contest once in school where the grand prize was going to DC and everyone was pretty underwhelmed.
Visited Florida - no
Meh. I'm sure there are lovely parts of Florida, but again, not a traveler.
Visited Mexico - no
Rinse, repeat.
Visited Las Vegas - no
I know people say it's fun, but I don't gamble and I don't like casinos, so I can't say it's on my list.
Sang karaoke - no
And I won't. If I could go the rest of my life without even being around karaoke, I would consider it an accomplishment. Open mics, yes. Karaoke can go screw.
Laughed so much you cried - yes
I've laughed so hard that my brain stroked out and I started screaming, actually. Yeah, mental illness is a joy.
Caught a snowflake on your tongue - yes
I must have, right? It's a thing you do.
Had a pet(s) - yes
Several, in fact.
Been sledding on big hill - yes
What are we defining as "big hill?" Because I've been sledding on some decent hills.
Been downhill skiing - yes
And what a waste of time and money that was. I would totally go sledding on a downhill ski slope though. Some day I'm going to get it together to go snow-tubing or whatever it's called. I remember once when I was skiing I gave up and just sat on my skis and tried to sled down the hill, which worked but was painful. It just gave me a taste for what it could be like if skiing didn't suck buffalo scrotum.
Rode on a motorcycle - no
I've been on a moped a few times, but I've never been on an actual motor cycle.
Rode a horse - no
I never went horse-crazy as a little girl. I was supposed to, I know, but it never happened. All my friends did and I played along, but I actually think horses are a little scary up close. Never wanted to own a pony, despite my jokes to the contrary.
Sometimes I wonder if girls go horseback riding as an excuse to break their hymens so they can fuck and still pretend to be virgins. I know a few ladies who've told their partners they were virgins when they weren't and used that as an excuse. I'm being a little silly here, and no I don't think all women are manipulative lying bitches. But sometimes you want a mulligan.
Stayed in a hospital - no
I've never stayed. I've been once or twice, including that ambulance incident I mentioned above, but it was outpatient.
Donated blood - no
I want to, but I'm scared. I should. Despite the fact that they might not take me if I gave them an inkling of my sexual history. I could get tested first. I get tested regularly. But I'm still scared to do it.
Driven a stick shift - yes
I learned on a stick. This is not innuendo. But while I might be able to drive stick in a pinch, most of it is just masculine posturing. I don't feel insecure in my driving abilities because I can't drive a stick. I've driven massive trucks and fork lifts and so forth. I handle plenty of sticks. Automatics are just fine.
Rode in the back of a police car - no
Not on my bucket list.
Tattoos - 0
I'm not against them, I'm just scared of them. I've considered it.
Also, the original has it as "tatoo's" because people on Facebook are idiots. There, I fixed it for you.
Piercings - 2
Each ear counts as one, right? I got my ears done because it was the thing to do, but when I was growing up it wasn't really a normalized thing to pierce a lot of other things. I suppose in my rebellious phases I might have tried it, but it just never happened. It doesn't help that I'm scared of needles. I know, piercing isn't needles, but it's the part of needles that I'm scared of.
Marriages - 0
I don't plan on needing to do more than put a check mark in this column. But man plans, God laughs. Also, a man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
Divorces - 0
I'd love to be able to break people's brains here and say that while I've never been married, I've been divorced 17 times. But it seems like, for logical reasons, your number of divorces must be no more than your number of marriages and no less than your number of marriages minus one.
Because I'm a math geek:
Let M be number of marriages.
Let D be number of divorces.
M >= D >= M-1
Please tell me how I can make this invariant untrue, because I'd be interested to know.
Children - 0
We all know my feelings about this one.
Surgeries - 0
I've been to the hospital a few times, but never for surgery.
Been to Jail - no
I don't know that I've ever done anything which would have put me in danger of going to jail, actually, other than sex things. White privilege here.
Shot a gun - no
I'd try it. I've shot BB guns and bows, but never a firearm.
Quit a job - yes
Several times, in fact.
Got fired - yes
Only the once. It was unpleasant. Not something I'd recommend.
Flown on a plane - no
I don't believe in Bernoulli. I think all you people who fly are participating in some kind of mass delusion. So I stay off planes for your safety, so my lack of belief doesn't cause the plane to fail.
Gone over 100 miles in a car - Yes
Regularly.
Drove over 100mph in a car - Yes
Pretty sure I've done this a few times. I went driving with a guy who was dead-set on trying to impress me with his driving skills. We did 100, did a bootlegger turn, a number of other things. Which would seem like fun, except it was terrifying and I wasn't impressed with it.
Hit a deer - yes
Not while I was driving though. You can probably hear that knocking sound as I slam my knuckles through my desk in an effort to ward off bad juju.
Gone zip lining - no
I'm not such a big fan of heights.
Cried over someone - Yes
More than once.
Fell in love - yes
More than once.
Skipped school - yes
I don't know if I've ever cut out of school after having gone there, but that probably happened too.
Watched someone give birth - no
It's a miracle of life, but it also sounds terrifying.
Watched someone die - no
I shot that guy in Reno, but he wound up surviving. I felt robbed.
Been to Canada - no
Never been much of a traveler for travel's sake.
Ridden in an ambulance - sort of
I wound up not riding in the ambulance they sent once because it would have cost a lot of money and I was in stable enough condition that someone was able to just drive me to the hospital.
Been to Hawaii - no
Never been on a plane, so if I said yes here it would mean that I'd pulled a Thor Heyerdahl and made the crossing in a primitive outrigger or something. I guess I could swim, but I'd have to get to the West Coast first, and then I'd drown. Do they take cruise ships to Hawaii? I don't even know. I'd love to go if it were next door, but as a destination, it's pretty far for me.
Been to Europe - no
This time I took a torpedo. I actually thought about taking a ship to Europe at one point but money and so forth.
Been to Washington D.C. - yes
I grew up close enough to DC that this isn't really a big deal. I remember we did a contest once in school where the grand prize was going to DC and everyone was pretty underwhelmed.
Visited Florida - no
Meh. I'm sure there are lovely parts of Florida, but again, not a traveler.
Visited Mexico - no
Rinse, repeat.
Visited Las Vegas - no
I know people say it's fun, but I don't gamble and I don't like casinos, so I can't say it's on my list.
Sang karaoke - no
And I won't. If I could go the rest of my life without even being around karaoke, I would consider it an accomplishment. Open mics, yes. Karaoke can go screw.
Laughed so much you cried - yes
I've laughed so hard that my brain stroked out and I started screaming, actually. Yeah, mental illness is a joy.
Caught a snowflake on your tongue - yes
I must have, right? It's a thing you do.
Had a pet(s) - yes
Several, in fact.
Been sledding on big hill - yes
What are we defining as "big hill?" Because I've been sledding on some decent hills.
Been downhill skiing - yes
And what a waste of time and money that was. I would totally go sledding on a downhill ski slope though. Some day I'm going to get it together to go snow-tubing or whatever it's called. I remember once when I was skiing I gave up and just sat on my skis and tried to sled down the hill, which worked but was painful. It just gave me a taste for what it could be like if skiing didn't suck buffalo scrotum.
Rode on a motorcycle - no
I've been on a moped a few times, but I've never been on an actual motor cycle.
Rode a horse - no
I never went horse-crazy as a little girl. I was supposed to, I know, but it never happened. All my friends did and I played along, but I actually think horses are a little scary up close. Never wanted to own a pony, despite my jokes to the contrary.
Sometimes I wonder if girls go horseback riding as an excuse to break their hymens so they can fuck and still pretend to be virgins. I know a few ladies who've told their partners they were virgins when they weren't and used that as an excuse. I'm being a little silly here, and no I don't think all women are manipulative lying bitches. But sometimes you want a mulligan.
Stayed in a hospital - no
I've never stayed. I've been once or twice, including that ambulance incident I mentioned above, but it was outpatient.
Donated blood - no
I want to, but I'm scared. I should. Despite the fact that they might not take me if I gave them an inkling of my sexual history. I could get tested first. I get tested regularly. But I'm still scared to do it.
Driven a stick shift - yes
I learned on a stick. This is not innuendo. But while I might be able to drive stick in a pinch, most of it is just masculine posturing. I don't feel insecure in my driving abilities because I can't drive a stick. I've driven massive trucks and fork lifts and so forth. I handle plenty of sticks. Automatics are just fine.
Rode in the back of a police car - no
Not on my bucket list.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
TMI Tuesday
From the archives again.
1. Toilet paper. How do you hang your toilet paper? The end coming over the top or with the end coming from around the back and at the bottom?
I'm ashamed to say that, at the moment, we don't hang our toilet paper at all. When we fixed up the bathroom we had to take everything out and we still haven't gotten around to putting up a toilet paper holder. So it sits loose by the toilet. I'm a terrible homemaker.
But if I were, I would hang it end out. Except the cats grab it then. So I don't know.
2. Towels. Do you use a new one each time you bathe or reuse?
Reuse. I'm not made of towels, nor do I feel like washing them every day.
3. Bathing. Do you use a washcloth to clean your body or use the soap directly all over your body with no washcloth?
Why is "loofa" not an option? Who uses a washcloth to bathe anything but their faces any more. That said, while Sveta is a loofa and body wash gal, I am definitely a bar of soap and no frills gal. Different backgrounds. I tried the loofa, but it just doesn't work for me.
4. Bra. Do you remove your bra by taking your arms out of the straps first, then inching it around your body until you can reach the clasp and undo it or do you contort your arms, and reach around and unclasp.
It depends on how lazy I'm feeling. I'm pretty good at taking off a bra without having to twist it, but sometimes I just slip it down and spin it. Hell, sometimes I just slip it down over my waist and then throw it on the floor. You don't want to visit my house. We'll go somewhere else. My house is a disaster.
5. Dishwasher. Rinse/pre-wash all dishes before loading or just load.
I presoak stuff which is caked on. Part of that is because sometimes I don't feel like putting it in the washer right away and I know that the washer won't be run for a while, so it would just desiccate in there. And part of it is that our washer isn't the greatest. It's a nice washer and it does okay, but it's not great at caked-on gunk.
6. Breakfast cereal. Cereal in bowl first, then pour on milk or put milk in bowl then add cereal?
Neither. On the rare occasions I allow myself cereal (because I will eat an entire box of it in a sitting if I keep it around) I pour a glass of milk and eat the cereal out of the box while drinking milk. I used to pour a bowl of milk and add a handful at a time to keep it crunchy, but I realized at a certain point that I didn't want to eat it with a spoon, so I treat it as it should be treated, as a dessert chip. Cereal isn't part of this wholesome anything, kids. It's dessert. Nothing but sugar and carbs. If you want healthy cereal, eat oatmeal. Which I also eat uncooked out of the box with a glass of milk. I'm weird.
7. Toothpaste. Squeeze from bottom working way up tube as it empties or squeeze from middle or wherever you want?
I start out sort of piecemeal but then work from the bottom. Since all toothpaste tubes now seem to only come in plastic, it's harder to roll it up like one used to do to keep it all at the end, so I wind up having to squeeze it all up from the bottom regularly when the folds come undone. I know there are things you can do to prevent this, including various gadgets. I can get all the paste out of the tube without fancy geegaws, thank you kindly.
8. Condoms. Do you put it on your lover or does he put it on himself?
Depends. I've never been able to pull off the trick where you put the condom on top of the cock and then deepthroat it on. Other than that, it really depends. If I'm lying back waiting to get fucked, he's putting the condom on. If I'm going to be on top or I'm sucking him off beforehand and that's when it happens, I'll put it on. But honestly, while this is not an example to be followed, I don't use condoms as much as I should, so I don't really have a preference.
9. Condom disposal. In the garbage bin or flush down toilet?
Dear God, don't flush condoms. The only things that should be flushed are things which are designed to be which will break down and not clog pipes. You shouldn't even flush those ass wipes that are basically baby wipes. Or baby wipes. I've had experience with plumbing disasters caused by flushing that which should not be flushed. If the condom is messy, toss it in a bag before you throw it out. Otherwise you'll make some plumber rich or have sewage back up into your kitchen or both. Of course this has happened to me. Why wouldn't it? The joys of old plumbing.
1. Toilet paper. How do you hang your toilet paper? The end coming over the top or with the end coming from around the back and at the bottom?
I'm ashamed to say that, at the moment, we don't hang our toilet paper at all. When we fixed up the bathroom we had to take everything out and we still haven't gotten around to putting up a toilet paper holder. So it sits loose by the toilet. I'm a terrible homemaker.
But if I were, I would hang it end out. Except the cats grab it then. So I don't know.
2. Towels. Do you use a new one each time you bathe or reuse?
Reuse. I'm not made of towels, nor do I feel like washing them every day.
3. Bathing. Do you use a washcloth to clean your body or use the soap directly all over your body with no washcloth?
Why is "loofa" not an option? Who uses a washcloth to bathe anything but their faces any more. That said, while Sveta is a loofa and body wash gal, I am definitely a bar of soap and no frills gal. Different backgrounds. I tried the loofa, but it just doesn't work for me.
4. Bra. Do you remove your bra by taking your arms out of the straps first, then inching it around your body until you can reach the clasp and undo it or do you contort your arms, and reach around and unclasp.
It depends on how lazy I'm feeling. I'm pretty good at taking off a bra without having to twist it, but sometimes I just slip it down and spin it. Hell, sometimes I just slip it down over my waist and then throw it on the floor. You don't want to visit my house. We'll go somewhere else. My house is a disaster.
5. Dishwasher. Rinse/pre-wash all dishes before loading or just load.
I presoak stuff which is caked on. Part of that is because sometimes I don't feel like putting it in the washer right away and I know that the washer won't be run for a while, so it would just desiccate in there. And part of it is that our washer isn't the greatest. It's a nice washer and it does okay, but it's not great at caked-on gunk.
6. Breakfast cereal. Cereal in bowl first, then pour on milk or put milk in bowl then add cereal?
Neither. On the rare occasions I allow myself cereal (because I will eat an entire box of it in a sitting if I keep it around) I pour a glass of milk and eat the cereal out of the box while drinking milk. I used to pour a bowl of milk and add a handful at a time to keep it crunchy, but I realized at a certain point that I didn't want to eat it with a spoon, so I treat it as it should be treated, as a dessert chip. Cereal isn't part of this wholesome anything, kids. It's dessert. Nothing but sugar and carbs. If you want healthy cereal, eat oatmeal. Which I also eat uncooked out of the box with a glass of milk. I'm weird.
7. Toothpaste. Squeeze from bottom working way up tube as it empties or squeeze from middle or wherever you want?
I start out sort of piecemeal but then work from the bottom. Since all toothpaste tubes now seem to only come in plastic, it's harder to roll it up like one used to do to keep it all at the end, so I wind up having to squeeze it all up from the bottom regularly when the folds come undone. I know there are things you can do to prevent this, including various gadgets. I can get all the paste out of the tube without fancy geegaws, thank you kindly.
8. Condoms. Do you put it on your lover or does he put it on himself?
Depends. I've never been able to pull off the trick where you put the condom on top of the cock and then deepthroat it on. Other than that, it really depends. If I'm lying back waiting to get fucked, he's putting the condom on. If I'm going to be on top or I'm sucking him off beforehand and that's when it happens, I'll put it on. But honestly, while this is not an example to be followed, I don't use condoms as much as I should, so I don't really have a preference.
9. Condom disposal. In the garbage bin or flush down toilet?
Dear God, don't flush condoms. The only things that should be flushed are things which are designed to be which will break down and not clog pipes. You shouldn't even flush those ass wipes that are basically baby wipes. Or baby wipes. I've had experience with plumbing disasters caused by flushing that which should not be flushed. If the condom is messy, toss it in a bag before you throw it out. Otherwise you'll make some plumber rich or have sewage back up into your kitchen or both. Of course this has happened to me. Why wouldn't it? The joys of old plumbing.
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