You may recall I got a strange comment in January which I attributed to Russian hackers trying to bring me to Jesus. Well, he's back, although less Russian this time (hell, I don't know if it's a "he" at all). Jak really wants to convert me, and he does so by repeating things his youth pastor wore on a t-shirt one time. It's so great.
This was a comment for The Band is Back Together for reasons only Jak can explain, but hasn't.
Only 2 positions for a light switch, earthling,
UP or DOWN:
the UP position is pointing skyward,
toward ExtremeSupersonicSeventh-Heaven,
which is e.VERY.thang we want
(and I mean everything),
which is what America SHOULD be doing,
puh-ray-zin God in dis Finite Existence;
while the DOWN position is pointing toward our demise,
to the whorizontal,
toward the Abyss o'Misery,
where you [pl] shall feeeel the palpable,
LivingDarkness 4 eternity.
Again, only 2 eternities, earthling
...and 1 of em aint too cool.
And YOU alone decide.
NOT Jesus.
NOT slimy, nasty ol satan.
NOT your friends.
NOT your co-workers.
NOT your lover whom you aint married to.
YOU alone.
Many analogies we might surmise 4 that proposition... yet,only 1 belief in the King of Hearts
who gives U.S. His Magnificent Light.
If that's too difficult 4u2c,
here's what I suggest:
I suggest you getta pair of GodSpexfrom the Divine Physician, mortal.
God bless your indelible soul.
Yes, earthling, I was an NDE:
DO - NOT - TAKE - the - CHIP!!!
(hand OR forhead)
If you do, say hello to being burnt toast, baby.
F O R E V E R.
Make Your Choice -SAW
So much to unpack here and I'm not going to get to it all because it's all so good.
First of all, I don't take my theology from movies about people cutting their own legs off (or whatever that torture-porn shit is), so I sure hope that SAW stands for something else. Except I'm pretty sure it doesn't, because isn't the whole thing in SAW that he has to choose to cut his own leg off? I haven't seen it. I'm not sure Jak has either. His youth pastor probably wouldn't approve. So let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that SAW stands for "Sisters Against War." And I'm for that. I'll choose to be against war any day.
This seems less like Russian propaganda this time, which is a shame. I was hoping to hear more about J-Prog's further adventures.
But to return to the beginning: I hate to break it to you Jak, but there's a thing called a 3-way switch. Is the third position Purgatory? If I don't flip the switch the right way, will I wind up with the unbaptized babies and Aristotle? I mean, Aristotle sounds fine (though I doubt he'd think much of me, being a woman and all) but billions of unbaptized babies screaming for all eternity? I'll take Abyss O'Misery, who was an Irish pub owner if I recall correctly. We could listen to ExtremeSupersonicSeventh-Heaven, which was a Red Hot Chili Peppers album from the '90s if memory serves.
I'm not sure why Jak felt the need to reassure me that "you" was "[pl]" which I assume means the collective you, or "y'all" in the vernacular, or "youse" as he put it before. I guess he wanted to make sure I knew that he wasn't just talking to me, but to all sinners great and small, and I appreciate that, since we are all sinners and deserve God's infinite forgiveness and grace.
I'll give Jak this though: "whom you ain't married to" is indeed the correct use of "whom." Good for him. And he's also right that my lover and I aren't married (though I suspect he'd prefer it that way). I'm glad she doesn't get to decide my fate, because occasionally if I have to wake her up, she might doom me to burnt toast for all eternity. I hate burnt toast.
Where it goes off the rails is, "Many analogies we might surmise 4 that proposition..." I mean, yes, those are indeed words in the English language, but I don't think any of them mean what Jak would like to think they mean, to coin a phrase badly. But we should be lenient with him since he was obviously taught English by a mute who could only communicate via text message from a phone where most of the keys didn't work.
And then we get to the best part: Jak believes that we're going to be microchipped by the Antichrist! I was afraid this would all be boring, but good ol' Alex Jones whackery slides in at the end to save the day! So Jak, thank you for your concern, and rest assured that I won't be taking "THE CHIP" in any location on my body, not because I'm afraid of the Antichrist, but because it's a gross invasion of privacy and sounds uncomfortable. Plus SkyNet. Always SkyNet. In fact, Jak, I'll let you have that one for free: don't bow to the Antichrist, reach for the SkyNet!
Lastly, I am never not going to spell it "whorizontal" from now on. So good, Jak. When I'm whorizontal getting railed by a giant cock (to whom I'm not married, possibly to whom I'm related by blood in direct violation of God's laws) I will make sure to think of you. While I'm moaning out my sinful lover's name from a whorizontal position on the bed of our lust, I'll spare you a thought and perhaps moan a few times for you. "Oh Jak, yes, I'm so whorizontal right now!"
So Jak, thank you for your continued attentions, and please do keep sending me these because I want to hear more about GodSpex and J-Prog and whether J-Prog owns a pair of GodSpex and... and... and everything! God, it makes me so whorizontal!
2 comments:
Holy cow. lol That was pretty good. But, I have one question. What about the dimmer switch?
Oh, he also said he had a near death experience. Need to hear more about that. Seventh Heaven could also be Islam. Don't typically hear that in Christianity.
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