Bad Habits

Those of us who aren't me don't have the monopoly on doing things which aren't good, and just because I do some things which other people might consider to be bad but which I don't, doesn't mean that the rest of me is squeaky clean. I do my share of things which I think are probably not the best.

For instance, recently I've been drinking more frequently than I usually do, and it's not generally because I want to have a good time. When I was in college, I drank, and I did it to excess on numerous occasions, even did it to the point where I did many stupid things, drank in situations where I shouldn't have, all that. But I'm pretty sure I wasn't doing it because I had a problem; I was doing it to have a good time. Now that's probably no excuse, but at least I was just fooling around.

But recently, I've been drinking because I'm depressed. I believe the technical term is self-medication. Sometimes I drink to have a good time, but that's mostly because I'm moody enough that I think I won't have a good time if I drink. Yes, I'm a little tipsy right now. Nothing serious, certainly nothing I would call drunk. I had a drink. One drink. I'd have another, but I don't feel up to it.

Also, I've been having unpleasant thoughts. I think I'm bored with life, so I'm only excited by things which I know are wrong. I've thought about things like that, and seen things, and read things, and what's worst, I've been turned on to the point of orgasm by things which are totally wrong. I feel bad afterwards, but it's never enough to keep me from doing it again when I get bored enough.

I worry that either I'll become some horrible person who actually does the things I fantasize about, or that I'll become so jaded with life that I'll have to resort to more and more twisted, fucked-up things to get off, to feel anything at all. I'm pretty sure that either of those options is a mental illness.

And I'm scared of that, because I'm scared of doctors and opening up to people, and I'm sure that if I were to tell someone about my life, they'd say that my family is wrong and is fucking me up. And if that's true, I don't want to know about it, on top of the fact that I don't think that confidentiality would protect my father, let alone the rest of my family. So obviously, I can't talk about that stuff with anyone.

God, I'm really moody as hell recently. Maybe I should get back on the other pill, except my doctor said she didn't think I should be taking that one, too much hormones or something. Maybe I should try a third. Maybe I'm going crazy.

I just know that I don't want to stop being aroused by my Dad or Sveta or Mike or Mari or Shari, or any of the other great people who arouse me. And I don't want to become an alcoholic, for which there is a certain precedent in the genes of my family. I just don't have enough motivation to stop drinking or to stop doing the various nasty things I've been doing recently. It's making the whole Sveta situation incredibly tough: I can't tell her about my family, and I'm not going to tell her about other stuff, so I feel like I'm just not being there for her.

And I'll admit, I can't stand the thought of her going off to college and finding someone else. Frankly, I really enjoy the fact that I'm like the alpha and omega to her; she's got no one else but me, and being needed in that way really... I feel so guilty right now.

Anyway, you all already know about the fact that I have unprotected sex far too often, and the fact that I'm corrupting a minor and have done so in the past, and the drunken binges, and the self-destructive behavior in general at times in my life, so yes, I do things which aren't good, for me or others. Basically, all I want is for someone to tell me it's okay, that I'm okay, that my family is okay. I'm not a victim of abuse. My parents love me, and I'm not just blowing smoke or believing a lie. If that weren't true, my entire world would fall apart. Right now, I'm just moody.

This is starting to sound like justification. I'm not justifying. I just want to be mostly sane and happy. What more can anyone ask?

God, I promised a sexier update this time. Damnit. Hang on, let me think of a story or something.