Picture the child you once were, what did that child do very well?
My imagination was pretty good as a child. Also I was pretty good at learning things. I don't think the latter has decreased much, but the former... well, a child's imagination is a wonderful thing but I'm not sure it's possible to have a childlike imagination without being a child.
What are you really good at now?
Sex. I mean, I'm not going to brag, but I'm decent. Beyond that, I'm still pretty good at self-education. I grok computer programming pretty well too, even stuff I've never seen before. I wish I felt this way about myself outside of my rational mind.
Did you ever expect love in return and not get it?
Yes. I've fallen in love with a few people and it wasn't reciprocated. That's not so bad as falling head-over-heels in love and the reciprocation comes with all kinds of conditions and problems and it's just on the whole a terrible idea and yet I still loved him madly.
Who do you need to get in touch with because it has been so long?
Too many people. My species of brain illness leaves me extremely open to having this happen.
What are your thoughts on this: “Every woman deserves her special day. I get that. But does it really have to cost so much fucking money? I mean, c’mon. If you’re serious about building a future with a guy, why bankrupt him?”
Okay, so first of all, why "him?" And if we're going to embrace the patriarchy, the man doesn't pay for the special day, the bride's parents do. I don't know what this is a quote from so without context that's my visceral reaction.
Beyond the viscera, I sort of agree. Weddings cost way too much money. We had a very nice, very cheap party of sorts and it was some of the most fun I've ever had at a wedding, and I think those who attended agree. Blowing your future on one day, particularly when there's a decent chance you'll get divorced and the whole thing will be kind of wasted, seems extremely prodigal to me. But then I've never been your typical girl.
For the record, Sveta's dad ponied up some dough, as did my parents, so the brides' families did pay for our wedding, I guess. Hooray for the patriarchy.
Are you a starter or a finisher?
Starter. Except in bed. In bed I'm a major-league closer with a 0.0 ERA. When they call me up from the bullpen, they play Taps. I finish like tung oil.
When did your heart last ‘skip a beat’? Why?
I can't recall exactly when, but I described Sveta as "my wife" to someone and it still sends me a-twitter a little.
What does your perfect day look like?
Well, the sun would remain down until I was ready to get up and not before. I would awake to a bevy of attractive people of all genders offering me breakfast, sex, and large-denomination greenbacks. Sveta would get to enjoy all this too. Then we'd go to a used book-and-DVD store where I could select anything I wanted, then a leisurely few hours in a pool or a private beach which magically had been made so that the sun couldn't burn me. Then dinner at an all-you-can-eat buffet of exciting foods I'd never tried before, followed by returning to my mansion for a night of debauchery with my harem.
And while I'm dreaming, I'd like the US Mint to issue me a free pass to collect as much filthy lucre as I desired for the rest of my life. I don't need phenomenal cosmic power. I just need a little moolah.
What would you call your autobiography?
I mean, I'm writing it right now and it's called Lex-Ploits, which seems fine, although I've never admitted that that's my real name. I suppose if I got famous enough to warrant an autobiography I could also assume a nom de guerre. Not that I need one. Maybe. You'll never know.
How does it feel to be photographed?
I have to say, I don't love it. I never like the way I look and while I don't believe it's stealing my soul, I do think that people put too much stock in image over substance. I prefer bas relief anyway. Get carving, slaves!
If each of your index fingers could spew a liquid for the rest of your life, what liquid(s) would it be.
This is a fun one. So no, I wouldn't have my fingers spew lube for the rest of my life or something in-character like that. Frankly, lube is cheap. I think I might go for chocolate milk on one hand. In this scenario I can make this chocolate milk completely calorie-free without sacrificing any taste. And then the other, the perfect magical hot sauce which wouldn't make my stomach acidic. Magic. You can't stop me. But spewing... I think I'd like a slower flow than "spew," but on the other hand it's a hell of a party trick, plus I could fend off attackers by spewing hot sauce into their eyes.
If you could talk to everyone in the world for 5 minutes, all at once, what would you say?
"I am the Lord your God! I have made Lexi my representative on Earth. Whatever she says goes." After that, I'd probably make some new commandments.
What? I would make an excellent god. And being able to talk for 5 minutes to everyone in the world is godlike power, so why not play the hand you're dealt? What else am I going to say? I know, not everyone would buy it, but enough people would that I'd at least be in charge of a fairly devoted group of worshipers.
I guess phenomenal cosmic power is tempting after all.
What is the best perk of your job? What is the best perk you have ever had at any job?
My current job: access to random areas of the building in which to make hanky with the panky. Of any job? Access to the costume shop for costumes in which to make hanky with the panky. I really haven't had jobs with great perks. I suppose I could say, "Health insurance," but that wasn't really a perk. God our healthcare system sucks.
Just how naughty are you?
Fair to middling. I'm no naughtier than the next gal, assuming the next gal is my sister Sheri. I don't know. You tell me: how naughty am I?
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