Here's a question which no one has ever really asked but which has been approached by several people: "Hey Lexi, what's the strangest thing you've ever stuck up your ass?"
As a rule, imaginary questioner, I try not to stick things up my butt that I can't get back. That means it's got to have a strong cord or a spread base. I don't stick vibes up my ass unless they've got a way to get them out, and I don't use pussy dildos in my ass because that's why God gave us anal dildos and plugs.
So no, I don't have any stories of sticking a Coke can up my ass and then having to go to the Emergency Room and explain myself to a bunch of judgmental nurses. I know, they've seen it all, but I don't want that to happen. I don't need that in my life. But beyond that, frankly dear reader, if you stick something up your ass and you can't pull it back out, even if the ER isn't involved, it can get dicey. I'm not talking about things so wide the anal ring won't give them up. I'm talking things which you have to, for want of a better word, shit back out again.
I've done stupid things in my life. I've stuck things up my ass which shouldn't have gone there. And every time, I wind up making a mess, albeit that I know this will happen and so I make a mess in a toilet. Sorry, this is perhaps a bit more graphic than I'd like it to be, but let's just say that when things come back, no matter how clean you thought you were, they're likely to bring friends of a brown variety.
All that said, it's not an answer to the question. So let's try to answer it.
Strange is subjective, of course; a lot of folks would probably think my brother's cock is a strange thing to stick up my ass. But it's just a cock. Maybe folks think sticking one end of a double dildo up my ass and using it to fuck someone is strange, but hey, that's just Thursday.
I think the strangest thing I ever stuck up my ass might have been a yo-yo. Go with me here. A yo-yo is perfect for anal insertion because it's a nice strange shape so it feels interesting, plus it has a string so you can get it back. This wasn't a huge yo-yo or anything either. It was a small one.
How did I get into this situation? Well, I was with a guy and we saw it on the shelf at a toy store and started making jokes about how tiny it was, which moved on to jokes about how it looked like an anal bead (which it sort of did) and then I said, "I bet I could get that up my ass, easy."
Understand that at this point, it wasn't even really a date. We'd never seen each other naked. He knew I was sexual, and we'd been flirting as we went through the mall (because I hate malls and I needed something to do to keep from snapping and running screaming), but it wasn't like we both knew that we were going to leave and go someplace and fuck wildly with yo-yos involved.
"You could not," he said.
"I could."
"I dare you to try."
I don't think he meant it, but I grinned and bought the yo-yo. I don't think he knew what was happening at this point. I pulled a little bottle of lube out of my purse, waved it at him, and said, "You buy dinner if I come back with a string hanging out of my ass." And without letting him say anything, I traipsed off to the bathroom, put a little lube on the yo-yo, and pressed it up into my ass. No problem.
If this were a truly funny story, I would have pulled on the string to remove it only to have the string break off, and then hilarity would have ensued. But this isn't a terribly funny story. If you want that story, look up Jim Jeffries' routine about something similar, which is hilarious.
Instead, the Chinese orphans must have been working hard that day because the string was totally fine. In fact, I'd left a large part of it wound around the yo-yo and when I pulled a little, the yo-yo rotated a little without emerging. That was a nice feeling. I can't recommend it because it seems like you're likely to hurt yourself or lose the yo-yo in a compromising situation, but I had to pull a little harder before it came back out, and it spun a few revolutions in my backside before doing so.
Then I popped it back in, made sure the string was long enough to show down the leg of my shorts, and came back out. Yes, I was walking into a crowded mall with a yo-yo in my ass and the string hanging down, visible to all. It wasn't that visible.
He didn't believe me at first. I told him to give it a little tug, which felt nice. I was close to cumming from all the excitement. He said he thought I had it in my panties. I told him fine, we'd find someplace more private and I'd prove it.
That private place wound up being hard to find in a mall, but we eventually wound up in a unisex changing room at a clothing store, and the degree of skullduggery to which we resorted to get both of us in there at the same time would take way too long and be too embarrassing to relate, particularly since all that happened was I pulled my shorts and panties down enough for him to see, bent over a little, and waggled my butt to show that the string was in fact coming from my ass. "Go on, give it a little pull," I said, and he did so.
And then satisfied that I had won the bet, he bought me dinner.
No, only kidding. That wouldn't be much of a story. In fact, I pulled my shorts back up, tucked the string into my waistband, and said, "Did you like that?"
He nodded. Of course he liked that.
"Want to put off that dinner you owe me for a bit and see what else you like?"
He nodded again. That I had my hand on his crotch and could feel the hardon probably helped him make a decision.
So we skullduggeried our way back out of the dressing room and sprinted back to his car, then drove probably much too fast to the closest unoccupied bed we could find, then I let him spend probably too long yo-yoing in my ass, pulling the string to get the yo-yo to turn inside me, before I demanded that he fuck me, right there, right now, as hard as possible, as long as possible. Getting fucked with a toy in your ass is always fun, and this was no exception. He didn't last long, but I got a nice O in before he'd barely started, so I was fine with him finishing quickly.
Then I told him that if he could get the yo-yo out, he could replace it with whatever he might have on hand, hint hint, and he wasted no time pulling the yo-yo out and ramming his cock in, and I got a nice long assfucking. He was definitely a guy who needed a warm-up before the main event, so to speak, and while I usually would do that orally, this was good too.
Once he'd gone above and beyond the call of duty, we dressed again and he bought me dinner like a gentleman (I believe it was fast food, actually; we were young and I wasn't expecting much) and then I whispered to him that I wanted a longer time in my pussy, thank you kindly. He didn't complain, and we went back and fucked another respectable time. As I left, I said, "You can keep the yo-yo as a memento," or something similarly stupid.
I'm kind of sorry I let him keep it because it really was a fun toy and experience.
So that might be the strangest thing I've ever stuck up my ass, or at least in context it was pretty wild. But seriously, don't do it kids; you'll have bad luck and the Chinese orphans will have been sleeping on the job and you'll be having a great time pulling string until you realize that you've got the other end and the yo-yo is still in there. And then you'll blame me for corrupting you and forcing you to explain to the judgmental nurses that you must have slipped and fallen while yo-yoing naked and doing some crazy trick.
But if you do try it and it works out, tell me how it was. I enjoyed myself immensely.
No comments:
Post a Comment