Cliffs, Hanging From

I'm back. I won't skip ahead, but the drop-off has been made successfully.

So I had just said, "I have something I should probably tell you then," to Sveta as we were cuddling and talking about secrets and how good it is not to have any between us. I mean, can you blame me? It's been killing me to keep secrets from her, and we're talking about it, and... yeah, I could have killed me too, at that moment.

I was honestly going to try to fob her off with a more minor secret, maybe tell her about Kate or something. But I couldn't bring myself to do that either. So we both woke up completely, and I tried to be coy, and she wanted to know, and back and forth like that. "I can't tell you, I never should have said anything." "Yes you can, please tell me." "I can't, really, I'm sorry, forget it." "I know you want to tell me." And so on.

Sveta doesn't have a nasty bone in her body, I've decided, so when she started to get bothered by the fact that I was keeping a secret from her, getting a little emotional about that, either she is the greatest actress in the history of mankind, or she was not being passive-aggressive. I know she wasn't being passive-aggressive, in fact. I was fucking her over, and after I'd said I wouldn't. I couldn't tell her, and at the same time I couldn't not tell her. And it was unpleasant.

I was prepared for her to leave, camp out on the couch or something, and I offered to save her the trouble to leave the room, drive her back the next day, since I was hurting her and I didn't want to do that. I was miserable. Not a good sequence of events.

And then she looked me in the eye, gave me a kiss, got all mature on my ass, and said, "Don't you know that I love you enough that it doesn't matter?"

Let's break away for a moment to recap my life. I am very lucky, have a loving family, have been given many breaks in life. The only thing I think I can say hasn't been lucky is my love life. My sex life is terrific, lucky, all that, but other than my family, I've never had someone who loved me like I guess Sveta does. I've loved someone more than I love her, even, I'm afraid, but the feeling was not mutual. So suffice to say, if I have a button to press, it's that one.

I started to cry, she was crying a little too, I kissed her, and then I took a deep breath and said, "I know how you feel about my Dad, because I feel the same way." Maybe not the greatest opener to the conversation, but it got the point across. Her eyes widened a little, and she made an "oh" face without saying anything.

At first she thought I was simply saying that I was attracted to my father, which would have been taboo enough, I suppose. And maybe I could have left it there. But it was like lancing a boil; I wanted to tell her all of it, or at least enough of it that I wasn't keeping secrets from her any more. So I gave her the abbreviated version because I didn't feel like going into clinical detail. I won't quote myself, because I'm afraid I wasn't totally coherent. But suffice to say, Sveta found out about my family. She didn't hear every detail, but she knows about my family.

It felt really good to tell her, but when I finished, I looked at her and knew that she was horrified, that she didn't want to be with a pervert like me. You can "know" all kinds of things, as it turns out, that aren't true, but at that point, I said that I understood if she never wanted to see me again, and all I asked was that she please not judge me too harshly and maybe not tell anyone else. My head was in my hands, I was crying again out of despair. Believe me, if I were writing the romance movie of my life, this scene would have been played way differently.

I sat there for a while, my head in my hands, weeping softly, until I felt her hand on my shoulder, just a touch. I couldn't tell whether it was pity or love or what, but when I looked up, she gave me a look which said she wasn't sure how to act now. I asked her if she wanted me to sleep on the couch, and she shook her head no, but nothing else. "I know it's a lot," I said. "But it doesn't change me. I'm still who I am."

"I know," she said. And it sounded like she meant it. I put my hand up to touch hers, and she didn't pull away, so I held it between my hands and stared into her eyes, and we kind of communed like that for a while. We both, I'm sure, looked like Hell, teary-eyed, tired, unsure. But finally we both were smiling, and she said, "It's a lot. Let's sleep on it."

Well, I wasn't the only one who had trouble getting to sleep that night. Still, we lay there in bed, cuddling, occasionally shifting, being together, and it seemed like maybe, just maybe, she was going to surprise me. I mean, Sveta's got a lot of resilience in her; she has been okay with a lot of things. I don't know too many other people who would have been the way she has. So maybe I shouldn't be surprised that she reacted the way she did. Maybe if I'd just come out and told her, without all the drama, maybe it would have been better. Maybe I should have waited, planned a weekend which was for nothing but me telling her, instead of potentially ruining her birthday party. We'll never know now.

She finally fell asleep, and I stayed there for a long time, trying to fall asleep too, trying to shut my brain up, because even though now I can look back on it and see the positive, at the time, I was not optimistic. Finally, really late, I had to get up to use the bathroom, and I spent a fair portion of the night pacing around after that. But eventually I went back to my room and got back into bed, and she woke up a little, turned to me with a groggy smile, and kissed me before falling back asleep.

We slept in a bit, because Sveta hadn't gone to bed early by any means, and I had barely been asleep long enough to count. In the early afternoon, we both woke up, and for a few moments the previous evening didn't weigh too heavily on us. But then I remembered, and asked her if she wanted me to take her back to school, maybe just give it some space so she could decide. In trying to be as non-hurtful as possible, I might have seemed like I wanted her to reject me, but really, I just didn't want to hurt her. I think she knew that. She said no, she wanted to stay.

And then I was going to let her have the shower first, but she said she wanted company, and for the first time, optimism started winning out. It was different, the first time after she found out, but after that, it was like she didn't care. We went back to the bedroom totally naked, not even bothering with towels, and made love again on the bed, and the connection was back and maybe stronger than ever. Spent a long time basking in the afterglow, and then she asked me whether I was feeling better. And you know what? I felt terrific.

We talked about some things, somewhat awkwardly. She asked me some questions about family activities, whether or not it was okay for my parents to know she knew, whether I was expecting anything from her, that kind of thing. I said it would be best if I told them, but that I was going to right away, just so it wouldn't be awkward, and that it didn't need to change anything, that they would still be perfectly happy to be supportive parents, that sort of thing.

She said she'd never really had parents, at least not like mine, not a healthy family life, so maybe it was easier for her to accept it. And she said she liked my parents a lot, so obviously they weren't mean people who were abusing me. This is very true; if you met my parents, you wouldn't believe for a moment they could abuse anyone, let alone their kids. Then she asked if my Dad was interested in her. It wasn't a leading question; I think it was only logical.

I was tempted to tell her she should ask him, not me, but I told her that my Dad thought she was a pretty young woman, but he wasn't a rapist and he knew she was my girlfriend, so unless she was interested in him, that's all that needed to be said. My Dad hasn't shared many partners with me. He's never had Gwen, for instance, and she knows all about my family and has met my parents. Sveta blushed at the answer, but said she was still processing and it would take some time to figure out things. I said, sure, no problem, take all the time you want. It's a tough nut to crack, my family. Not easy to get your brain around.

But the worst was over. Sveta got her homework (poor dear, having to work at a time like that) and I went to talk to my parents. My mother was in the kitchen icing the cake, so I told her first, also because I wanted her input. She said, "You're serious about her, aren't you?"

That gave me pause. But she's right. I never would have thought, a year ago, that things would wind up like this. When I first met Sveta, I was sort of dating her boyfriend, and she was just a girl I was helping him bag. Then... well, if you've read, you know what happened (don't want to make this post longer than it already is). And now here I am, having told her about my family, basically going steady with a girl who is pretty much a generation younger than me, and yet I don't care. And I don't think she does either.

I feel like I'm announcing my engagement, and I don't really want to make it be like that. I'm just in love with her, maybe not in the marrying way, but certainly like she was family. And I want her to be part of my family even more now that I know how horrible her family is. She deserves better.

So yeah, my Mom was supportive, said she thought something like that was brewing. I said, "I wish you'd warned me!" Then Dad came in to find out what the conversation was about, and I told him too. He was a little more personally interested in the situation, particularly when I told him Sveta had a crush on him. He kindly refrained from making Daffy Duck noises too. Mom just laughed and said she was glad she wasn't a woman in a traditional marriage because she would have to spend all her time keeping Dad at home. It's true; my Dad would never cheat on Mom, but if things were different, he's quite the lady-killer.

Dad said I was exactly right, that he was not interested in Sveta in any other way than wanting the best for her, that it was incredible that she had taken it so well but that nothing should be done without her doing it. My Dad is a gentleman. It might not seem like it if you think he's abusing me, but he's nothing but a good man who only wants what's best for people. People take advantage of him because of it, if you can believe it.

Well, the party was still on, so I had to cook. I went back up to my room briefly to check on Sveta, and she gave me a smile and asked how my parents were taking it. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and said they were thrilled, couldn't wait to see her at dinner, but it was up to her whether anything was said about it ever again. She said that was okay. Then she got a bit of a sly look on her face and asked me, "Now that I know, does this mean I have to worry about you sneaking off late at night to get satisfied in ways I can't?"

I could tell she was joking, but only a little. I joked back, "My Dad wouldn't let me wake him up late at night." Then I kissed her, on the lips this time, and said, "Besides, you're all I need." A tiny little white lie, because I do love me some cock, but when Sveta's there, she is all I need. I don't sneak off and fuck my Dad when she's there, and I'm not going to start now. I think she appreciated the reassurance.

Okay, this post is getting long again, and I think it's time to break, since the cliff has been successfully scaled and what's left is just gravy. Tasty gravy, believe me, but it doesn't change the central situation. So I'm going to break off and then come back and talk about the birthday party a little later. Believe me, you'll get through the whole weekend, I just have to pace myself a little. I'm not going to skip over anything.