Fucking Insomnia

Sveta is asleep in my bed. I am not. After a certain point, I got up because all my tossing and turning was going to wake her up. In fact, it sort of already had, to the point where she was sort of whimpering at me. Poor cookie. But it's ridiculously cute though.

I spent the entire drive, to and from, in a haze. It's a miracle that I didn't kill myself or others, frankly. Except that it was the type of zombie haze I can get into when I haven't slept enough, not the type of haze where I'm actually asleep while I'm walking around. So yes, I managed to get there and back with Sveta, although I couldn't tell you how, nor could I accurately describe any landmarks or sights of interest. It was twilight for part of it anyway.

She was kind of tired too, but she was really trying to be peppy in spite of it, which made me feel horribly guilty for being so out of it. But she kept me going on the ride home. We had a late dinner of leftovers from my parents' dinner (classy) and then she was falling asleep on her feet, poor dear. Got to say hi to my parents, but no big conversations, just meet and greet. They were heading to bed when we got in. And like a peach, she wanted to spend some time with me, so we didn't head right to bed either, sat on the couch, put on a movie, and then she was basically out on my shoulder. And I was drowsing too, but the kind which disappeared the moment I saw my bed. That is the most annoying thing in the world to me: I can be asleep on my feet, unable to look at books, TV, or anything else without going cross-eyed, and the second I lie down, I'm unable to sleep. I'm no good to anyone, but I still can't sleep. And if I can't fall asleep after a certain length of time in bed, my joints start to hurt and I toss and turn, and then, well, here I am.

The worst part is that I'm unbelievable horny. I mean, I was naked in bed with my girlfriend (yes, I'll call her that, I really should start), we were bundled together under the covers, and my God I wanted to start something. But she would have fallen asleep halfway through. Poor tuckered out little gal.

So instead, here I am, trying to figure out the best way to knock myself out. If I wind up sleeping on the couch or the guest bed or something, I'm going to be pissed. But I can't wake her up either. Maybe I need to cum. Well, that's obvious, but it's not necessarily the root of my insomnia.

The root of my insomnia is probably complicated, but it is contributed to in part by the fact that I'm anxious about this weekend, how it will go. It's ridiculous, but I'm getting serious about this, and you know, I want things to go well. It's a big deal for me. So nerves aren't helping.

I was hoping that tomorrow we could do something more than just sit around. I don't know how likely that is now that I can't get to sleep, but maybe I'll be able to pull myself together. And I've got to go shopping for the party (well, I call it a party, and it is, damn it, but it's not like I'm giving a dinner or anything; I just have to shop for Sveta's birthday meal). I have to wrap her present (you'll find out when she does). I have to try to satisfy her physically, mentally, and emotionally. Yeah, I'm not expecting much of myself. Not much at all.

This isn't a surprise party, by the way. I don't believe in surprise parties. I wouldn't want one thrown for me. Surprise gifts I love, but surprise parties... I like to know when to expect a party. I'm not very big into birthdays because some unpleasant things have happened on my birthdays, but I like to acknowledge them festively, just not with huge surprise parties with hundreds of people. Despite the impression that might come across, I'm not a party person. When I wind up doing crazy shit at parties, it's partially me trying to be something I'm not, and partially a reaction to my supreme disinterest in parties, which leads me to drink too much or feel awkward or whatever.

Anyway, big plans, and thinking about them isn't helping at all, and why am I doing it? Plus I'm thinking about some other plans unrelated to this weekend's plans, and yeah, mind going a mile a minute, only in neutral because it's incapable of actually doing anything.

I think I'm going to find something pornographic, I'm going to open the bottle of vodka I have in the freezer, and I'm going to have a glass and get off as many times as I can until I can fall asleep. Not a good plan, but the only one I have right now. Then brush my teeth so I don't smell like a lush and return to my bower and snuggle with my sweetie. And if I don't fall asleep then, I'm fucked.